Month: September 2012

“I just want people to know that it’s not over in the operation room and they should think long and hard about their decision.”

I would just like to say I am glad someone put this website up, only I wish I had seen it two years ago when I had an abortion. I know it was probably the right thing to do considering my age (14). But it was not my choice it was my mother’s ….. I remember on the day of the abortion I refused to go to the clinic I was only forced to by my mom, my dad and his girlfriend told me I didn’t have to go through with it if I didn’t want to but the next morning my mom arrived to drive me and my ex-boyfriend to the clinic and I was in tears at the thought of what I was doing to my child but in the end I had the operation done. It was on of the most painful things I had ever felt. The procedure itself was only two minutes long but the pain physically and emotionally was enough to last me a life time. I threw up after and the recuperating room and my ex-boyfriend bought me roses and gave them to me, and to this day I have kept them dried in a safe place, and I also kept a copy of the ultrasound that is one of the most valuable things I own. I thought my pain and suffering was over that day but I was wrong ……. that night at my ex’s birthday party I fell asleep on his couch and I had this dream of my child screaming and when I found her she was torn and covered in blood and woke up crying. For months after that I still got dreams when ever I slept, and developed a slight case of insomnia because I was too scared to sleep because of my dreams. I am over the worst part now but I still do get dreams at least once a week, and I wish I had never had the abortion. I just want people to know that it’s not over in the operation room and they should think long and hard about their decision. I hope this helps some people as well on their choice.

~Lydia

Hi my name is Amanda! I am 16 but will be 17 in 15 days. The date is Jan.5th. But on Oct.15th I had my first abortion.I think abortion is really wrong and I would have never got one if I really knew what was going on.

I was actually forced to by my parents and I say this b/c I had to choose between the love of my baby and my parents.

Well, here’s my story I began having sex at early 15 only looking for love and attention. Which later realized that is not what I was getting. I had sex with a guy I knew maybe a year and then later on found out I was pregnant. I was shocked but in a way glad b/c I love kids.
As I told my parents I got the impression which I never expected ( it was only b/c I’m white and he was black). I had no one on my side. I was so upset. All I wanted was for someone to tell me they loved me and they would be behind me 100%. I never got that so mom made the appointment. As I walked in the doors for the appointment everyone looks up. I sit down embarrassed of being there. My eyes are filled with tears. They begin calling names and I am the next to be called back and asked to get dressed in some little pieces of clothes. I go and sit back down and am asked to go get my ultrasound. I go into a room and some jelly stuff is spread on my belly, it’s cold and as I look into the monitor I see my tiny baby. I can see the whole body, I see the heart beating and I ask the women is the baby healthy she says yes. She tells me that I was 12 1/2 weeks so then I know it is not my boyfriends it is a guy I slept with only one time. I go outside to tell mama thinking it would be a bit easier now. Then I’m called back to the room it would all take place. I am asked to climb on the table , lie down ,and put my feet up. As I lie down on the cold table I had a feeling like no other. My heart began to beat fast, It almost hurt to breath, I began to shake all over and am asked to stay still. I tell mama I didn’t want to do this, please mama I say, she replies it will all be over in a minute. I lay there knowing what’s going on and cry loudly. What is said to be six minutes seems a lifetime. Then I’m sent to a recovery room for an hour. Everyone seemed so relieved but not me I’m longing for what I have just let go. I go home and still remember the sounds of the machine,the cold table, and every thought. Not until a couple days later did it really seem to hit. I began to go into a deep depression and still blame my parents. I always think about on may 15th I would be having a baby. I’m young but still know the feeling of heartache. I cry out all the time. I have nightmares that are awful and wake up screaming. I have flashbacks all the time. And sometimes I dream of what the baby would have been like and think of the fun things we would have been able to do together. The crazy thing is sometimes I still imagine the baby being there and feel something that is almost like a baby kicking in my stomach. I truly regret this and only wish I could take it back. The baby is in my every thought.

Thanks, Amanda

August 9th 2000. That’s the day my life changed forever. I was 17, going into my senior year of high school. I am the youngest of five children, and my parents are extremely old fashioned. But anyway, here’s my story:

I had been with my boyfriend for about 3 months and we had just started having sex. We used protection and took precautions, but apparently not enough. I knew I was pregnant even before I took the test. I don’t know how to explain, I guess it was “mother’s instinct.” I told my boyfriend that I was a day late…a day! I just knew. so we waited until I was a week late and we went to the store and he bought a test. the next morning I took it and it came out positive. I just sat there….with no emotion. I called and told him. he didn’t have anything to say, he didn’t know what to say. we just decided that we’d talk about it when we could be together. I never wanted an abortion…not for one second through the entire ordeal. I
couldn’t tell my parents because I thought they would kick me out and I didn’t want them to be disappointed in me. I was seven weeks pregnant when we found out. I was in a trance so it was basically all up to him. I didn’t really know too much about abortion at the time. I went to a catholic high school so all they tell you is not to do it. he found the place but I had to call. it was the hardest phone call to make. the date I was scheduled was august 9th. my baby had a scheduled date to die. my baby. it’s an amazing feeling to have a living thing inside of you. knowing that it needs you to survive.

so august 9th came. my boyfriend went with me. neither of us realized what was actually going on. we did what they told us and that was it. I didn’t look at my sonogram, they had the screen facing away. I didn’t admit that I was really pregnant until I heard the doctor say, “yup your definitely pregnant.” the doctors there were extremely nice and they reminded me I had other options but I insisted that my parents would kill me. I went into
another room a bit later and there were like 5 or 6ish other girls in there. it was a weird feeling in that room, like we all knew it was the wrong thing to do but we all tried to make each other feel better about it. it was a support group of sorts. I was the last one of my group to get it done. it was torture waiting there, listening to the machine run for a few minutes, knowing another baby was being killed. but I was called and taken into the room. I laid down and they put the shot in my arm. they told me to count to ten and everything got all fuzzy. I was crying through the whole thing. it hurt..yeah like cramps but I kept thinking of what I was doing. when it was
over I was so hysterical, screaming and crying they had to get a wheelchair to take me to the recovery room. I couldn’t walk. I just kept saying “my baby, my baby”. it was over, my baby was gone. just like that.

I haven’t been able to really laugh, or been happy, or enjoy anything since that fateful day. I think back now, and I realize that my parents are my parents forever and they can’t hate me, just like I could never hate my baby. they love me the way I love my baby. I wish I would have understood that a year and a half ago. my boyfriend and I are still together and he’s admitted that when he saw me walk out after it happened that it really hit him and he knew it was the wrong thing to do. I know that if you haven’t decided what you’re gong to do about your pregnancy, you feel very alone. but you have to know there are a lot of women out there who do understand. I need to talk about it. I don’t know how I’m ever going to feel better about it, I doubt I will. I just know that my baby will always be in my thoughts and prayers, and someday I will be with him, and then I can apologize, but
until then I will live with this pain for the rest of my life.

I’m not gong to tell you not to have an abortion, because I heard that my whole life and I still did. the only advice I’m going to give is this: don’t let anyone change the way you feel. do what feels right to you and no one else. I know you’d be embarrassed to be young and pregnant, but you’ll be able to look back 10 years from now and tell you child you love them and see the smile on their face. I will never see my baby smile. I will never hear him laugh. I will never watch him play baseball or graduate high school, or get married. I can’t because I made the wrong decision and I let people influence what I believed in. there are so many people out there who want to
have children that can’t, but you can, and you can give both your child and a deserving couple life and happiness.

remember, you always have a choice…a choice NOT to. thank you for reading this. (by the way, I named him Noah…)

~Julie

I have written and told my story before about my abortion and how sad I got afterwards and how I wish I never did it and how I cry so much still even though it has been a while since I had to lose my baby.

I wish I could have seen your site before I had my abortion, may be I would have keep my baby. But the reason I did not was because wanted to but because I was young and had no where to go if my dad had found out and kicked me out of my house. I am still with the same wonderful guy but we are missing a big part of us. Our little baby. I had the abortion in march and I cry almost every night still. I often come to your site and read the letters that people have sent and how some women/girls feel sad and depressed after having their abortions. I understand how they fell. I understand 100% because I went through the same thing. If you are thinking of having an abortion make sure that it is what you really want to do. Or you will wind up like me wishing you could go back in time, and make every thing ok.

When I found out that I was pregnant I was not the least shocked. I had told my boyfriend who I have been dating for almost a year at the time. he was so happy at first. and as the time went on he was changing his mind about things. I was supporting him and me and I could not support someone else. I was still going to school and working a full time job.

when I finally made up my mind that I was going to tell my mom what was going on I was 16 weeks pregnant. I had told my boyfriend that I was going to move back in with my mom and that I was still planning to have this baby, but that I wouldn’t be able to support him so that he had to move back home. I never thought that he would punch me in my stomach and say that he was more important than my unborn baby. I cried for 2 weeks and I didn’t tell my mom but she suspected that I was pregnant. now I was almost 20 weeks pregnant and I couldn’t do it all by my self, so I went with my exboyfriend who was 4 years older than I and got an abortion. because I was almost half way through my pregnancy they had to dilate my cervix and then I had to go the next day and get the abortion. that day I was so scared I remember when I was at the abortion clinic how cold it was and the therapist asking me if I really wanted to do this. and all I kepted saying was that I had no choice and my friend begged me not to. I could feel some cramping but not much and I got up and I was bleeding alot. I remember walking to the operating room and I remember when they started the IV and how I looked up and told one of the nurses to tell me what was the sex of the baby and to tell the baby that I loved it and I had no choice. from there I don’t remember anything but when I woke up in the recovery room crying and checking my stomach to see if it was a horrible dream. I remember screaming from the top of my lungs and saying I wish I could die too. I fell into a deep depression and I bearly made it to senior year. I tried to commit suicide. I didn’t care for my self or anyone else at the time I was a murder. I rember going to the police station and saying that I had murdered someone and saying that I killed my own baby. I thought that I would never be happy again. now im 19 years old my first year in college and im 5 weeks pregnant and happily married to my exboyfriend who accompanied to the abortion clinic. I could never think of getting an abortion ever again!!

Nelly R

I had an abortion on February 17, 2001. I had just turned 18 on January 31, My parents had once told me that if I ever had an abortion that they would disown. I really didn’t believe in them myself. I remember the day of my birthday I skipped school and me and my boyfriend of about 2 years went to the clinic to take a pregnancy test and of course it came back positive. After that he did not talk to me about it for a week

I knew how he was feeling he didn’t want a baby and I knew he was for abortion, but he didn’t understand how I felt. So I told him I would have an abortion for him. He didn’t even think about my feelings and I wasn’t thinking about my babies feelings or mine I was only thinking about him, and to this day I don’t know why he didn’t care. The next day I called a clinic in a nearby town and I scheduled and appointment to go in and talk to someone about having the abortion they told me that it wasn’t very painful and it was a quick process. They gave me an ultrasound just to make sure that I was pregnant. The day finally came February 17 I was scheduled to have my abortion on this Friday at 1:30 up.me. a day that I will never ever forget. I remember they told me not to eat that more because it may make me nausea. I got there about 15 minutes early I could not believe how many girls were there. There must have been at least 40 of them and I just thought to my self its like this is no big deal hundreds of girls do this every day, I thought of myself as just another statistic, but I wasn’t. I was sitting there for at least 3 hours before they even got me into the prep room. As I sat there I just wanted to run out, I had already paid the 350 dollars it cost but I didn’t care I just wanted to run, but something wouldn’t let me and I remember wanting to cry but I couldn’t do that either I just sat there not saying a word. Then I heard my name being called by a nurse. I went back into the prep room and nobody was aloud to come with me. I was so scared. The nurse took my blood and gave my a couple pills to swallow. Then I sat down were 4 girls were sitting that had been called in right before me. They put a movie in that explained what was going to happen I didn’t even want to watch it so I got a magazine off the shelf and started flipping through the pages not even really paying any attention to the magazine. Then I started to get really dizzy and felt sort of numb I figured out that it was one of those pills they gave me to relax my muscles. I was the next girl to be called in and by this time I felt like there was nothing I could do but wait my turn. I remember seeing a girl that had just got through with having hers they were walking her down the hallway to the recovery room and she was screaming saying it hurt so bad and I started to get really scared and then they called me in. There was a nurse there with me to hold my hand and they gave me a couple shots down there to numb things and I think those hurt more than the actual abortion itself. I remember then the nurse said do you want to hold my hand and I squeezed so hard not really because it my body because they were sucking my baby out of me with a machine and what kind of sick person would let this happen to something that was apart of them. Then it was all over all I could think is that God should punish me and I hope I will never be able to have babies again because that is what I deserve for doing this. After I got home and for about 3 months after all I could is cry and I hated my boyfriend for I blamed him for everything, but I was the one who did it, I did it to myself and my baby. I kept telling him I wanted my baby back. And I told him if you can’t give me what I want I don’t want to be with you. I was horrible. Those couple of months afterwards I didn’t even know who I was. Well things started settling down and I started being myself again but believe me I will never forget what mistake I made I am just dealing with it a little better now. Me and my boyfriend moved in together in May of that same year. In June I found out I was pregnant again and that brought every thing back I was so mad at myself. How could I have this baby but I couldn’t have the last one. I hurt so bad. Me and boyfriend decided that the best bet would be to keep this one. Know I kind think I am just trying to replace the baby that I so easily killed. My baby girl is due in 2 months march 3, 2002. And I will never do anything to hurt this baby. There are so many people out there they can’t even have children and there are even more people out there like me that can get pregnant and are so selfish and can just kill there child. I made the worst mistake of my life.

unknown

I was 14 when I had my abortion. My boyfriend and I had been having unprotected sex for almost 4 months and I just assumed it wouldn’t happen to me. But then of course it did. My mom caught him at our house one day, and dragged me to the hospital that night to have a pregnancy test.I already knew I was, I hadn’t had my period for 5 weeks. When the doctor confirmed it, I felt the room start spinning and go black. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t breathe. Later that night my mom called my boyfriends parents and informed them. She asked if I would like him to accompany me and I said no. He ended up paying for it. $360. I remember sitting in the clinic shivering, but I wasn’t really cold. I filled out page after page of useless paperwork. I was then instructed to take off my clothes and change into a gown. I then sat in a room with about 20 other women. They all looked strangely expressionless. I sat there for about an hour, tears welling up in my eyes from time to time. I almost ran out 4 times but I knew that my life would be impossible with a baby. My life. That’s all I was concerned with. One of the doctors that did my ultrasound asked me if I wanted to see it, and I quickly said no. It was bad enough that I was actually laying there going this far with it there’s no way I wanted to see it. I talked to a girl in the clinic with me who slept with her friend then he decided that he didn’t even want a relationship with her, she was 3 months, I was quite happy not to be that far along. During the procedure, I had every anesthetic available. Including nitrous oxide. It felt like someone ripping me apart from my insides. i started screaming for my mom and she came in there and held my hand. I feel so bad not only for what I did to her, but for what I did to my baby. She told me not to think of it as a baby…but as a mistake. I suppose I did for awhile. Long enough to regain some sanity. But as time wore on, it became inevitable. The first time I realized what I did was a few days afterwards. I got out of the shower and noticed a small stream of blood running down my legs. I fell on the ground and starting screaming for God to help me and that I was sorry. It took me 6 months to be able to talk about it and even now I get shaky. I’m currently with the guy that got me pregnant, 2 years ago. I refuse to have and kind of sex now, and I’m glad that he respects that. I get very depressed on the anniversary of it every year. I keep praying that God will forgive me, and I try to do everything I can to make it up. Although I know in my heart that nothing will ever be enough. I plan to have children one day. When I know I can provide and take care of them. When I’m not just a child myself. The procedure caused me to mature and look at life in a different perspective than my friends. Most of them know about it now, and they think I am a strong person. If that is so, then why did I make such a weak decision? God forgive me.Jane