Month: September 2012

Hi. I realize that on this site there are many personal testimonies to read but I’m hoping mine will be one of them. When I was 20 years old, I found out that I was 4 weeks pregnant. I was shocked and surprised, as for some reason I never believed I could get pregnant. The father wanted me to have the baby and he asked me to marry him.

He even bought an engagement ring and wedding bands for both of us. I turned him down and told him about how fearful I was of having a baby at that time in my life. He was trying too see the positive aspects of me having the child and since he was 8 years older than I, he was in a much better position to become a parent, except for the fact that we weren’t married. There were times when he would lay his head on my stomach and talk to the baby as he cried. One time as he did this he said, “I’m fighting for your life, I’m trying my best to save you.”

At 5 1/2 weeks along, I had an ultrasound and saw my child’s heart beating. I was touched by it but at the same time I was frightened by the reminder that the whole situation was really real. I was so afraid of having a baby this young and all I could think about was how fat I would get and how it would ruin my life. It was all about ME ME ME and how I felt.

Soon I was 10 weeks along and was having a hard time on the decision as to whether or not to have the abortion. I was on an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. One relative bought me maternity clothes…other relatives told me that having an abortion was best and all their negative comments about me having the child reinforced my fears. I made an appointment with another OB/GYN to discuss the possibility of abortion. On the day of the appointment, I heard my baby’s heart beat and the doctor told me that I was a little over 10 weeks along. She said that if I was going to abort, I should do it within a couple of days because the baby was pretty much formed, (including the major organs) and that it just needed to get bigger.

On the rainy, gloomy day of January 16, 1996, a relative drove me to a clinic for an abortion. In the car on the way there, part of me was hoping that we would get in a wreck because of the weather and that I would miss the appointment as a result. We arrived at the clinic and I cried hysterically as my relative went to the counter to check me in. During this time I noticed a big bellied pregnant woman announcing to someone that she was having twins and talking about how excited she was. This made me cry even harder. My relative came over to me and said, “What’s wrong? I know it isn’t easy but this is the most caring and responsible decision you can make.” She previously had 2 abortions and told me it was “best” for her and the child. To me, for someone to think that killing a child is a “best” and “caring” action is sick.

Soon I was lead into a pre-surgery room and was asked to remove my clothing and put on a gown. As the nurses wheeled me down the hall towards the surgery room, I remember thinking, “My baby’s heart is beating at this very moment and in a few minutes it will stop.” Part of me wanted to jump up onto my feet and scream, stating that I wasn’t going to let them kill my child. Yet another part of me thought illogically, “Everything is already paid for, so I can’t back out now. My relative probably won’t be able to get a refund and she will be angry at me after all this trouble.” As I was wheeled into the surgery room, I remember soft cheerful music playing…by the sound of it, one would never guess that an innocent child was about to be murdered in that very room. The nurses quickly put my legs up in stirrups and they asked me if I wanted to be awake or asleep during the procedure. As I looked around the room, I noticed a table with many unfamiliar items on it, but one thing I did recognize was a long coiled see through tube, which I knew my dismembered child would be sucked through. I panicked as I said, “I don’t want to see anything. Put me out.” The next thing I knew I was in the recovery room. My first feeling was a sense of relief but then a feeling of darkness replaced it when I was hit by the reality that my child was gone forever.

I’m 26 years old now and my child would have been 5 1/2 years old. Every time I see a child of this age, it kills me inside. I can’t help but wonder what my child would have been like or looked like. Nobody will ever know how my child could have touched their lives, nor will we ever get to see how my child would have contributed to this world. I will never be able to look into my child’s eyes; my child will never be able to call me “mom.” My child will never be able to play like living kids can. My child wasn’t given the chance. The only proof of my child that I have is the ultrasound picture and the memory of being pregnant, rather than his/her existence here on this earth. I still have the maternity clothes and every time I see them, sadness fills me because I never needed to wear them. All I can do is pray that I’ll meet my child one day in heaven. I will beg and plead for others not to abort their children. NO MATTER WHAT THE SITUATION, IT’S NOT THE CHILD’S FAULT; AN INNOCENT CHILD SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO DIE BECAUSE OF IT. Abortion is murder in the womb, despite the fact that people and doctors will try to change the words to make it seem like any “medical” procedure, while attempting to make it seem less harsh and cruel than it really is.

I hope that this letter will help save your unborn child. Thanks for taking the time to read this and please…don’t let your unborn child be just a memory. To my child: I love you very much and you will be a part of my life forever.
THANK GOD FOR THIS WEBSITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Share on Facebook

Hello. I am 17 yrs. old. I was 16 yrs old when I found out I was pregnant. I knew befor I took the test. I kept pretty good track of my monthly. And sometimes it did come a couple days early or late. But when it was one week late I started to get worried. Then every time Id eat something it just came right back up and thats when I knew. My boyfriend at that time got me a test to make sure.

It came up postive very quick, but it didnt shock me at all becuase I just knew that I was. Well, we never even discussed abortion becuase I was totally against it and I still am to this day. My mom kept on bugging me about my period. She said she knew I didn’t have it for a while. And that I better not be pregnant. Of course I was too scared to tell her that I was pregnant. So I hid it the longest I could. I had left a letter that Id wrote to one of my friends in Ct about my situation and of course my mother found it. I was over my boyfriends house one day and she called and told me she found out that I was pregnant and she told me well you do know what your gonna do about it right? I told her Im not having an abortion! She told me fine then you are going to tell your father. Well one night at my house me and Mike were going to tell my father. My mom told my dad that I had to tell him something. I was in the bathroom trying to run away from telling him and somehow he just knew what I was going to tell him! My mom told him that I was pregnant! At that moment I knew I had let my parents down! I felt the world come crashing down on me. They both told me the bad things about being 16 and having a baby. My dad gave me one week t o decide what I wanted to do. But honestly it was what they wanted me to do! They failed to tell me about what having the abortion could do to me emotionally. All that they could say was it was for the best! And honestly I started thinking it was for the best. I didnt have a good relationship w/ the father he was a drug addict and alcoholic. And the more and more my parents talked to me the more and more I thought they were right. So my mom called the clinic and made my appointment on July 21,2001! I was scheduled t go in at 2pm. The night before I was planning on not going, or going and not getting out of the car because I did not want to do it. But all I kept thinking about was when my dad told me the night I told him I was pregnant about all the bad consequences of raising a baby at age 16, and how he would throw me out of the house and not to come around until the baby was born. I couldnt sleep at all the night before I had to go in. On July 21,2001 me my mom and my dad got in the car and headed to the clinic. When I got there I felt so sick to my stomach. I couldnt believe I was actually in there, I just wanted to walk out and forget I ever stepped in that horrible place. But then it kept running through my mind of what a disappointment I would be to my parents if I didnt go through w/ it. I was taken in the back room. The nurses checked my blood pressure and pricked my finger. And I asked the nurse if I was gonna be completely knocked out for it. And she told me I would be given a .05 valium and some laughing gas. Thats when I had the nurse call my mom back there and I told my mom that Id basically be awake through it and I couldnt do that. I didnt want to do it anyways so I thought that thatd be the excuse Id use. But it did not work. My mom kept telling me youll be drugged itll be fine, its for the best! So I said well maybe it is for the best. I was then taken back and told to change into the gown thing. And I was in a room w/ about 20 other girls watching a video of one of the nurses telling us how theyd be performing the abortion. I was so shaken up and I couldnt stop crying. I was literally shaking! Then one girl asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through w/ this and I told her not really, because I dont want to do it but my parents will be so disappointed if I dont. Then it was time to go have the sizing done. I layed on that table while the doctor told me I was 14 weeks along. I did not expect at all to see my baby on a screen. I cant believe that they show you the picture of the baby on the screen. I was so shaken up already so after that I ran out of that room and went to the most caring nurse I have ever met and I told her to get my mom back there again! I told my mom I cant do it becuase they showed my the baby on the screen! And all I heard was do you want to disapoint your dad? So then again I gave in and decided I was gonna go through with it. I was still so shaken up that the nurse who talked to me the whole time I was there told me that I do have a choice and that my parents cant make the decision for me. And I didnt say anything, but in my eyes I was being forced to do it. So the nurse got the Dr. who was performing it on all the girls to talk to me and told me to make sure this is what I wanted and no one else, but its hard when you have your parents telling you all of these horrible things about this and that, so I told him it was. So he then took me and my mom in a room and told my mom that I was so shaken uo that when he performs the abortion that hed have to give me more drugs then the others because if I didnt calm down that I could hurt myself during the procedure. When he was in there w/ me and my mom all I wanted to yell out was that I didnt want to do it and how I hated my parents for doing this to me. Well I kept my mouth shut and the nurse then gave me two .05 valiums to relax me. The nurse had to help me walk into the room where Id have the abortion! I was so out of it! I cant even remember how I got on that cold cold table and how my feet got in the stirrups. All I remember was two nurses holding each of my hands. Then I remember seeing the doctor come in w/ a mask on and all these tools. Then I felt so much pain. Like someone ripping my insides out and the horrible noise. I couldnt stop crying and screaming for him to stop becuase I didnt want him to do it. And it hurt so bad! All I kept thinking was how could I have done this? Then I said to myself at least Ill still be loved by my parents. At least they wont hate me! I did it because of them and there’s no denying that! I sort of feel like I was taken advantage of because I know if they didnt drug me up the way that they did that as soon as I walked in that room I wouldnt have done it and I wouldnt have cared what my parents think. I screamed for the doctor to stop but he wouldnt stop! Thats what I did through the whole 10 min of it was cry and scream. On the way home I didnt even speak to my parents, ever since I had it done they act like it never even happened. And so do I! But thats the thing, I keep it all inside! I get so depressed everytime I see a baby! It just brings back reminders of what I have done to my baby that couldve been! Its almost time for my yearly exam and Im so afraid to go get my pap smear becuase its just gonna remind me of what I did to my baby! I always wonder if the baby was a girl or boy what color eyes and hair. No one has any idea of how this is effecting me. No one knows what Ive gone through emotionally since Ive had it done! I have to deal with this until the day I die. I urge woman who are even giving abortion a thought, it may sound like the best thing to do at that time but you have absolutely no idea of what woman have to go through afterwards. Its the worst pain I have ever felt in my life physically and emotionally. And the worst part about it for me is that I have no one to talk to becuase all they tell me is it was for the best! So if anyone wants to talk please contact me anytime!

 

 

Share on Facebook

I had my abortion on February 21st 2000. I was 22 years old and living it up with my boyfriend at the time. I was a bartender for a hot nightclub and raking in dollars so I thought I had it all. It was dinner and drinking out every night of the week, snow-boarding trips every weekend, life was one big party, then the pregnancy test came back positive.

When I saw the blue line I had mixed emotions. One part of me was saying, “Oh no! This can’t be happening, a baby’s gonna ruin my lifestyle!” and the other part of me started feeling the soft pulls of maternal bonding. My boyfriend freaked and insisted I have an abortion right away. I called the clinic the next day and everything was arranged for the following week. I walked around in a daze for the rest of the week. The morning of the appointment I remember standing outside the clinic and crying that I didn’t want to go in and my boyfriend insisting that I should. I went in and talked to the so called counselor (salesperson). She was the nastiest most inconsiderate B-word. I went through the blood test, changing my clothes and sonogram crying. There were 4 girls ahead of me in the inner waiting room and I got to talking with one of them and she had been to this clinic 4 times before. 4 TIMES!!! When it was finally my turn I remember getting on the table and having my feet put in stirrups roughly by the doctor and having an IV inserted for the general anesthesia, I felt so trapped like a cow before slaughter, everything felt like it was going in slow motion. The last thing I remember, I was crying and saying that the IV burned and then everything went black. I woke up in pain and crying in the recovery room. The doctor (abortionist, murderer) came in all annoyed and asked me “What are you still crying for?” He then told me that I cried through the whole procedure even under general anesthesia and that it was very distracting. I ignored him and kept on crying and a woman sitting in a recovery chair next to me held me and rocked me and stroked my hair even though she must have been feeling just as bad as I was. Then I went home. I thought it would be all a bad memory and that I’d be fine but all I saw on tv when I got home were diaper ads and formula ads. My boyfriend and I sank into a year long period of uncontrolled drinking and drug abuse. Both he and I would cry over our dead baby and we’d drink and snort cocaine until we couldn’t feel anything emotionally anymore. What was once just fun and games became almost an obligation because we felt we killed our baby for the privilege of living it up and if we cleaned up our acts it would mean our baby died in vain.I also became physically violent towards him whenever I would have flashbacks to that horrible abortion. What made us both realize that we couldn’t go on living the way we were was I had an overdose one night and it’s only by the grace of God that I didn’t die. We both started down the road of recovery and 2 months later we were married and 2 months after that I was pregnant. Oh what tears of joy we shed. I had one scare during the pregnancy when at 6 weeks along (6 weeks was when I had the abortion with the first baby) I started bleeding. We rushed to the hospital and discovered that I was not miscarrying and heard his little heartbeat for the first time. That was when I started researching fetal development and abortion because the clinic never told me that the “clump of cells” as they called my baby had a heartbeat. I am very angry at abortion clinics because they never tell the woman that she could get a perforated uterus or bowel, become sterile, contract a disease from unsanitary equipment, increase her risks of breast cancer, get an infection from leaving parts of the baby behind in her womb, post abortion syndrome which pro abortion people like to deny the existence of, which my husband and I went through and the list goes on and on. My husband and I are today the proud parents of a healthy and beautiful 4 1/2 month old boy. We have a wonderful life now free of drugs and heavy drinking, he works hard and provides very well for our son and myself. I am now a volunteer counselor for a wonderful crisis pregnancy center(my husband also volunteers). Even though I couldn’t save my own child’s life or saved myself from the aftermath of abortion I am dedicated to saving other women and their babies from this horror they call Choice.

Share on Facebook

I had an abortion this past spring. My baby would be a few weeks old if I had of had the strength to stand up to social pressures and just give it a chance at life and love. I know some people looking to this website are either considering abortion or trying to understand it,

I really hope you don’t walk away thinking everything you’re reading is correct. I hope you seriously take some time to yourself to let it all sink in, without the pressure, without the drugs that the hospital gives you and just figure out what is good for you? And how a life with a baby is possible. My sister had a teenage pregnancy and we live in a lower middle class family. She was left alone by her partner, and I can honestly say that with hard work and loving family/friends she was able to finish school and college and begin her own business within 9 years…I am very proud and almost envious of her…I love her and my niece.

I however, wasn’t able to process everything. I made a serious connection with the baby, I even promised I would love it even if its father did it approve of its being. I am an educated woman with no real work opportunities; in fact, I am not finished school yet. Living at home with my family was a major reason, that and my then boyfriend was a teacher in a catholic school system. I seriously regretted my abortion. It causes me to be depressed and change as a person all together. I stopped hanging around my friends or anymore who tried to make me feel good or happy, because I didn’t think I deserved the attention or love. I never visit my family and it’s usually short visits…I have increased my alcohol intake significantly…I would rather be living happily at home with parents with my baby, than being someone who is living at home unhappily, with a drinking problem not to mention mood swings and depression. I have serious anxiety issues now too. I wake up crying and end up messing opportunities up with work or social functions…I have serious sleep issues and I try to shake it off and smile and act like I’m okay, but I’m really not.

Please, if you can raise the baby you are carrying, just do it or at least think about it. If you can live with it, then go ahead….I thought I could live with it then 6 months later I am still severely upset and cry. You can’t escape the reminders of life, someone is going to show you a picture of their ultrasound at some point and what can you say? awwwwwww how cute, I killed something that look just like that picture you are smiling at…..seriously….it’s rough, unpleasant and you like I said, you cant escape life, it’s all around you and it will remind you.

I was at a funeral for a baby 2 weeks before I terminated my baby’s life….that attributed to my pain on many levels….I still talk to my baby, I thought it was a girl, but I will never know. She / he is in the hands of my loved ones who went before me on the other side…they are with her soul and I know she forgives me and will come again when and if I am blessed with life inside me again, she will enter my body and I will give her the best life that I can, I long to feel her again, to feel her love and the connection….

if you are a boyfriend reading this….offer love and only love and support….don’t even mention doubt into your g/f, wife or friends ear…it’s wrongful and causing a lot of problems on top of the hormones. If it’s right she will know…but if she has time to think about it, I know she will make the right choice….men become fathers and fall in love with their child when they see it, women do when they feel it.

If you won’t love it, then simply let someone else love it. but don’t leave her, support her as a friend, if anything.

I hope this helps anyone out

 

 

 

Share on Facebook

I am a 32 yrs. old and have 2 children. When a good friend told me about your site I decided to check it out, never in my dreams was I prepared for what I saw. I have had several abortions but have never seen it as I have today.

The pain, hurt and disappointment that I feel for myself and for what I have done are worse now than ever before. The thought of what I had done has always been there but I had never pictured it as I do now. To think that my oldest son is 10 and I had made three separate appointments to have an abortion when I was pregnant with him just breaks my heart. How could I even think of life without him right now…there is no way. So now I feel the pain for the others that I did not give that chance to…why? My youngest is 2 and at first I had doubts but I live a different life now than I did then so I know I have become a better person…for the better of us all.

But I cannot contain the pain that I feel right now as I am writing to you I am in tears for those other children which I never gave a chance to live. My last abortion was done in March of 1995 and I was about 16 weeks into that pregnancy and I had to be dilated for a day before having the abortion. I never thought that it was so developed at that point I figured that like my previous pregnancies it was just tissue or something else. I lied to myself for I knew it wasn’t right and now that I have seen what I have done it just tears me up inside. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have not gotten more information and tried to know exactly what I was doing…though I knew that in God’s eyes it was wrong that is the only thing I thought of. Now I only ask that he forgive me and help me to bring knowledge to those who don’t. It is something that I have always felt bad for doing but today I see it in a new light…it is much worse than I thought.

If there is anything I can do to help others and help them with this choice I will be more than willing to do so. The pain that your heart will eventually endure has no measure. May God forgive us all.

 

 

Share on Facebook

When I was 16 years old I became pregnant and subsequently had an abortion. This decision, which was based upon lies and lack of knowledge, has caused me many years of anguish and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. Here is my story:

August 1977–I was 16 and I was pregnant. I knew this because I had gone to the local Health Department for a free pregnancy test and they had called me back that morning. The counselor on the phone asked me what I was going to do. What was I going to do? I had just began “experimenting” with sex. I wasn’t suppose to get pregnant. That happened to other people, not me. I answered the counselor, “I don’t know, maybe an abortion. I just don’t know.” The counselor picked up on this statement and offered to make an appointment for me at a Dallas abortion clinic. I agreed. I was never counseled towards anything, or offered any alternative other than abortion. My abortion was publicly funded.

A few days later I was taken to an abortion clinic in Dallas. Upon arrival I was “counseled.” The counselor showed me a picture of a six week old “fetus.” This picture looked like chopped liver. I was told by the counselor that at this stage of development, the fetus was not a baby, that it was no more than a “wad of tissue.” I was informed that there was nothing to the procedure. It would not hurt any more than menstrual cramps, and there were few side effects. I was told that I would have to stay there for an hour after the abortion (which I did not do) to make sure my bleeding was not too severe. They gave me a morphine pill to relax me and said I could have a morphine shot with the pill if I wanted it. I did not.

I was taken to an exam room where I was placed in an examination position. The doctor dilated my cervix and proceeded to insert the vacuum aspirator. I felt when the baby caught and immediately began having severe cramps. The doctor finished and they rushed the bottle (which contained my baby) out of the room before I could see it. This tends to disturb the patient when she sees her baby (who only minutes ago was sleeping peacefully in her womb) ripped to shreds in a glass jar. I was then taken to a waiting area to make room for another woman who had made the “choice” to murder her baby. I continued to have severe cramps for the rest of the day. I felt sad and empty, as if a part of my soul had been taken away.

As I look back at my post-abortion life, I realize that so many of the mistakes that I made and created for myself were due to the subconscious image I had created of myself, I had killed my own baby. How could anyone love me when I couldn’t love myself?

I began to drink heavily and use drugs. I had severe depressions in which I contemplated suicide. I had, and still have, horrible nightmares involving babies and people trying to kill me. I still get depressed and cry a lot. I pray at night that God will let my baby know that I didn’t kill him because I hated him. I long to hold him so much now that it hurts, and I want him to know that.

I harbor secret fears that one of my children will be taken from me because of this horrible act that I have committed. This fear was compounded when I almost miscarried one of my children at twelve weeks. I feel sure the problem was connected to my abortion. The problems go on and on. I had never allowed myself to calculate the month that my baby would have been born. Recently I figured out when the baby would have been born and was horrified when I realized that it was within weeks of when both of my children were born. I had felt intense pressure from within myself to become pregnant at this particular time with both my children. And now the realization has hit me that subconsciously I have substituted my live children for my dead child, by conceiving and giving birth at the same times.

I have spent many years trying to push the memory of what I have done to the back of my mind, but it won’t stay there. I have constantly compared my dead child to what he would have been doing had he lived. I understand that most women who choose to abort experience the same feelings. My child would have been in first grade this year. It’s very hard for me to look at a first grader.

I have shed many tears over the last few years and now I’m angry. I’m angry at myself, my family, the abortion clinic, their counselors, the doctors (who can commit murder on a daily basis), and most of all I’m mad at my government, who prints “IN GOD WE TRUST” on our coins, yet has legalized the daily painful, violent slaughter of the youngest members of our society.

I hope and pray that our great nation can turn this thing around before it is too late for all of us. And most of all before we as individuals have to stand before God and confess what we have done to His most perfect creation.

Originally published in The PostAbortion Review 3(4) Fall 1995.

Elliot Institute, PO Box 7348, Springfield, IL 62791-7348

Additional material is posted at www.afterabortion.org

 

Share on Facebook

In 1979, I was nineteen years old. I was sharing an apartment with a co-worker. One night I went out for a drink with my 34 year old step-uncle. After a few drinks we left and the next thing I knew we were back at my apartment. I did not have much contact with him after that until the day that I called him to tell him I thought I was pregnant. His first response was how did I know it was his. His second response was “I thought you were on the pill.”

When the pregnancy test came back positive, I set up an appointment with my doctor. He told me how far along I was, when the due date was, and that he would be happy to see me through my pregnancy. By this time, reality was setting in and I was very scared. I asked him about abortion. His only response was that he didn’t do abortions. That’s all. No information at all.

When I called my step-uncle back to report all this, he told me that he had talked to several of his female friends and they told him an abortion was “no big deal.” I then went to tell my mom and stepfather that I was pregnant. By now I was really trying to reach out to find some help, but I didn’t find any. My mom and stepfather simply told me I was an adult and was my decision. Once again there was no support or information given. I was so scared. I just wanted the nightmare to end. I made the decision to have the abortion.

From the moment that I found out that I was pregnant, I had begun to shut down emotionally. This emotional shutdown became even more complete when I walked into the clinic. The people at the clinic were very cold. They showed no emotions at all; they told me nothing. I was not prepared at all for what was about to happen to me. Again, I received no real support or information.

My mother had driven me there, and she paid for it. Most of the girls there were young, and their mothers had brought them, too. I remember that while we were all having our abortions the mothers all went out for coffee, as though we were in there having our hair done.

I felt so dirty and worthless. I remember after leaving the clinic, I went home with my mother and I remember her saying to me, “You basically had a D & C. You’re young and will get over it. Just forget it ever happened and go on with your life.” I did just that. Or so I thought.

I met my husband, got married. But I didn’t tell him about the abortion. I didn’t think I could tell him or he would hate me and leave me.

We had our first daughter and I never felt the deep love for her I should have. For several reasons, I guess. The first is that I had never grieved over the loss of the child I had aborted. I was also afraid to love her too much. I felt that God was just going to take her away from me to punish me for killing my first child. We then had a second child which I loved deeply.

We were married about ten years, and the pain of my abortion was becoming unbearable. One morning I tearfully told my husband the truth. I remember telling him that I really needed to tell him something, but he would probably hate me for it. I told him about the abortion and was then shocked to hear all the support and compassion that he gave me. I feel that the support that I received, for the first time in my life, had a lot to do with my seeking help. Before this, I never felt that I was worthy of love, nor did I love myself.

I contacted Project Rachel in Omaha, who referred me to a counselor. I saw this counselor about three times. She then told me about a Bible Study group through Project Rachel which I could attend. Going through the Bible Study brought to the surface a lot of feelings which I needed to work through in counseling, which I then received.

We finished our Bible Study group and from there we have started a monthly support group. I have also talked to other groups about my abortion experience and just how it has affected my life. I feel that is so important to tell my story so people might begin to understand the true devastation of abortion.

I lost a very special child, and I will always miss and love her with all my heart. But I truly believe that this same child has shown me that it is possible to love again.

Originally published in The PostAbortion Review 2(3) Fall 1994.

Elliot Institute, PO Box 7348, Springfield, IL 62791-7348

 

Share on Facebook

I was 18 and dating a man my parents strongly disapproved of. So they “made a deal” with me: they would send me to college if I would break up with him. I agreed, though I never really meant to keep my end of the bargain.

I realized I was pregnant when the smells from chemistry class kept making me sick. A friend convinced me to go her doctor in town. He diagnosed pregnancy immediately, saying, “Such a shame, another young one.” He told me not to worry, that “it” could be “taken care of.” He never once said anything about keeping the baby, but gave me a card from the local abortuary.

Although I had no strong religious convictions, the visit to the clinic for my initial “consultation” left me feeling bad. The nurse told me to come back in a week with the money to have it done.

I had heard some things about abortion, and I knew it was probably wrong. So that whole week, I talked with friends and teachers, looking for advice. One female teacher in particular advised me to have it done. She told me that she had had several abortions, that it was “nothing,” and that I didn’t need this trouble in my life right now.

No one, at any time, told me anything about adoption or keeping the child. In fact, one of my teachers was a nun – and I approached her, too, with my problem. I think now that I really wanted someone to say “No! Don’t do it!” But even the nun told me that abortion was the best route for me.

My boyfriend didn’t have the money, so my parents volunteered to pay for it. When I broke down in front of them, saying that I thought it was wrong to do this, they told me they would kick me out of the house if I didn’t have the abortion. My father said he wouldn’t have any “little brown babies in his house!” (My boyfriend was Italian-Puerto-Rican.) They told me that if I had the baby, I would be completely on my own. I felt like there was absolutely no way I could escape the inevitable.

When the time came, my boyfriend and some friends from school went with me. There were no protesters, no pro-life people. In fact, during the whole time of this crisis, I never heard a word about or from the pro-life side.

I was led to a room with a whole group of girls, just like me, waiting to have their babies killed. No one talked. No one looked at anyone else. They called our names, one by one.

I was very scared, mostly of the pain they said I might feel. With the counselor, I mostly cried. But she just agreed with everyone I had talked to. Yes, this is a bad time to have a child. Yes, you’re too young. Yes, having a child costs a lot of money. Yes, it would be so hard for you to raise a child on your own. Yes, this is the best thing to do.

Waiting to have my name called, I tried to convince myself of these things. I just wanted the whole thing to be over with.

Finally they called me in and put me on a table. The dilation was extremely painful. A counselor held my hand and told me not to cry, it would be over soon.

The suction machine was very loud – a horrible noise. They had a picture on the ceiling for you to look at so you wouldn’t have to think about what was happening to you. The image of that picture is burned into my memory. They took my baby from me while I looked at people walking in the rain.

My boyfriend got drunk while I was in the clinic. He could hardly drive me home. He was late picking me up and I stood on the corner in front of the clinic, bleeding and embarrassed until he came.

When we got back to my dorm room, I was crying. I told everyone how awful it was, and how I wished I hadn’t done it after all. My boyfriend laughed at me – laughed at me! – and said, “Well, that’s what you get for screwing around!” One of the guys from school tried to throw him out, and they got into a fight. It was a horrible scene. I’m sure he got drunk to try and deal with it; he knew, deep down, that it was wrong. He was only trying to blame me for it so the responsibility for it wouldn’t weigh on his shoulders.

In the end, the abortion did not “solve all my problems” as everyone had promised. My parents still kicked me out. I had to quit school. I married the boyfriend. It didn’t work out. He became an alcoholic and a drug addict. He beat me up and brought other women into our bed.

One night during a drunken spree, he held a knife to my chest. I told him to kill me, that I wanted to die. I had nothing. No parents, no husband, really, no baby, and no self-respect. How could he respect me? I had killed our child. How could I look at myself in the mirror every day? I was a murderer. I truly wanted to die. Soon after this, we were separated and divorced.

My abortion was about ten years ago. To me, it’s like a bad, bad nightmare, deep in the past, best forgotten. I still haven’t told anyone in my present life (my husband, my church friends, anyone I respect) about the abortion. I can’t. I know that they would see me differently, and I couldn’t stand that.

I’ve had one child since then, and I’m pregnant again. These children are my joy — and my forgiveness from God. My little boy is so, so precious and wonderful. If I had only known how sweet and wonderful a baby is, I never would have done it – not in 2 million years.

I now picket the clinics in the area, and I write letters to the paper and give money to pro-life groups. This helps a little — I feel that I need to do at least this much.

It’s obvious that the abortion wrecked my life. Emotionally, I was a different person before and after it. It left a path of destruction in my life. My family, my first marriage, my image of myself – all a total wreck. Nothing will ever be the same.

I know now the lies I was told, the truths that were withheld from me, the facts that were glossed over or left out. As a pregnant woman, I go to my doctor’s office and see pictures of babies in tummies. Month by month, I hear my baby’s heartbeat. I’m told how to do everything that’s best for my baby’s health. Why is it legal across town to NOT tell these things?

I am just glad that I’m able to tell others. I’m glad that I can be outside that clinic when no one was there for me. I may not be able to confess my abortion, but I can fight abortion!

Originally published in The PostAbortion Review 1(3) Fall 1993.

Elliot Institute, PO Box 7348, Springfield, IL 62791-7348

Share on Facebook

9/8/09

My goodness i thought i was alone! i remember the smell, that awful chair!!!! i didnt know any better, they were telling me its just sells. I was so young, i wanted them both! i have lost my mind! i drink to take away my pain… i will never forgive myself for not being strong! when i have kids.. how can i look them in the eyes without thinking of what could have been? NEVER HAVE AN ABORTION NO MATTER WHO TRYS TO FORCE YOU! NICK CANNON- CAN I LIVE.. LISTEN TO THAT SONG !

Chantelle S.

 

This is part of a collection of stories from a pro-life website’s (AbortionTV) mail desk. All of these women have written in after reading the information on the site, which includes women’s stories and photos of aborted babies.

Letters are presented as they are, with no changes or corrections.

Share on Facebook