Christian woman has abortion, regrets it

A post-abortive woman named Bell told her story:

“I had been raised in church. I was trying to live a Christian life… What made it worse was my boyfriend, who grew up his whole life in the church…

My best friend, who was also a Christian, tried to talk me out of it. But I didn’t listen, I remember going to the clinic in a daze. They put me under, so I don’t have any recollection. I just remember waking up in a panic. The realization of what I had done was overwhelming.

Before the procedure was done, I had an ultrasound and I saw my unborn child. When I woke up that was the first thing I saw before my eyes closed. A few weeks later, I had to go back to the clinic for a checkup.

I just remember sitting there in the waiting room, wanting to tell the girls there not to do it. I wanted to say something to make them turn back from what would probably be one of the biggest mistakes of their lives. But I didn’t know what to say…

My boyfriend and I stayed together, it made us stronger, but sometimes I threw it in his face. If only he had been more supportive. If only, I had to realize that it hurt him just as much as it hurt me.

I was really hurt when his little sister became pregnant. His family was so happy, and I felt so guilty that I had denied them a chance to get to know their grandchild and nephew, for, in my heart, I know it was a boy. I still struggle with it.”

Martha Jensen Abortion: Information and One’s Own Journey (2020)

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Death of kitten triggers woman’s post-abortive grief

Lurlene McDaniel recalled the following story, told to her by a post-abortive woman:

“My son’s kitten died and we had a funeral for it in the backyard. I watched his tear-stained face as he lowered the box that held his pet into the ground and felt a huge lump inside my throat. And then it occurred to me that I was shedding tears over a dead animal…a creature without a soul.

Years before, I had an abortion and never in all this time had I consciously thought about that unborn baby. I never cried for it, or about it. The revelation shook me so profoundly that I started to cry and I couldn’t stop. My son kept asking, “What’s wrong, Mommy?” And I couldn’t tell him.”

Lurlene McDaniel “And Rachel Wept” in Phyllis Tickle, ed. Confessing Conscience: Churched Women on Abortion (Nashville, Tennessee: Abingdon Press, 1990) 66 – 67

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Post-Abortive women tells her story

Renée Smith had an abortion when she was 18. She writes:

“While I soon healed physically from the procedure itself, it has taken many years for me to heal emotionally and spiritually. Not long after having the abortion I became depressed and withdrawn. It became difficult to engage with my daughter or find joy or fun in anything. I also quickly jumped into another relationship within a few months with a man old enough to be my father…

I was looking for a way to drown out the memory of the abortion. Life had little meaning for me; I was trying to dull the pain of what I had done…

Two years later I got pregnant again. This time I gave birth to a baby boy. Financially, I was in no better place than when I became pregnant the prior time. But, having had an abortion before and still dealing with the emotional turmoil that the abortion brought about, I was determined not to abort my baby this time.

I never spoke about the abortion to anyone, not even my two children. Now, over 20 years later, when I hear certain sounds, like that of a vacuum sealer for food, I am immediately transported back to that moment when I ended my baby’s life. Some things don’t ever go away. Sometimes, I’ll think about him/her and what age they’d be, what type of child or young adult they would have been. Whenever I see another child who is the same age as my unborn baby, I think that could be my child. Every year around the time of the abortion, I could feel a sense of sadness overtake me.”

Renée Smith Hope beyond Abortion: A Story of God’s Redeeming Grace (undated)

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Post-Abortive woman: I suffer every time I see a baby

A woman named Bella writes:

“My boyfriend married me. We are still together. Now he regrets our decision then. I still feel the pain. I suffer every time I see a baby, a pregnant woman. I wonder if it was a she or he. What the baby would look like. And sometimes when we fight, I tell him how much I still hurt and how much of a coward he was. I don’t advise abortion to anybody.”

Martha Jensen Abortion: Information and One’s Own Journey (2020)

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Woman bravely resists husband and mother-in-laws pressure to abort

A woman named Liz told her story:

“I had been married to my ex-husband for only a few months when I discovered I was pregnant, even though I was on the pill. We hadn’t planned on having any children so soon, if at all… We weren’t well-off financially, and my income was our primary income.

My ex was against me having the baby, so, much so that he enlisted his mother’s “help” to convince me to get an abortion. At one point his mother offered me $1000 to do it, but I couldn’t entertain the idea. Fortunately, my parents backed me up, my mother especially. I knew it would be wrong in God’s eyes and in my own heart to destroy my own child. My pregnancy went well despite my ex-husband’s whining about it until the last eight weeks.

I got extremely ill (preeclampsia) and had to be on bed rest. My son was born 11 days early, healthy and perfect even though I had almost died while in labor, and he had to be delivered through an emergency C-section. I went into seizures later that evening after the birth, and had to be resuscitated three times that night… As my ex was nowhere to be found, my dad had to sign papers claiming responsibility for me. Granting temporary custody of my son if I did not live through the night…

Sometimes the decision for life is a hard one. Even though my ex made life difficult throughout my pregnancy, and he was even worse once my son was born. This is the reason why divorced him. I wouldn’t have traded my son’s life for “pleasing” my ex and his mother. I’m especially grateful to God for the gift of my son and his timing because I have medical problems, due to high blood pressure, arthritis and a known tendency for preeclampsia that make pregnancy difficult or impossible, and the risks increase with age. On medical advice, I chose permanent sterilization and cannot have any more children.

If I hadn’t had my son when I did, I doubt if I would have been able to have any children at all…

A man who despises and would willingly kill his own child is not worthy to be your husband!…

My son is 11 now… Don’t let “well-meaning” so-called friends or relatives try to make you do something you know is wrong.”

Martha Jensen Abortion: Information and One’s Own Journey (2020)

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Post-abortive woman writes letter to her aborted baby

A woman wrote the following letter to her aborted baby:

“I was supposed to keep you safe and protect you from harm and getting hurt. I took you from the safest place you could ever be. I took your life… You were torn apart inside me and flushed down the drain. Your arms and legs were torn and mangled. Your little arms and legs. That mommy should have kissed and put lotion on. Your feet that mommy should have put a little sock on. Your small hands that mommy would wipe off after lunch, and would pull my hair. Your little heart that should beat strong, day and night while you explored your new world, until you would grow old and God would take you up to his house…

I love you right now, I miss you right now, I want to hold you right now, I’m empty right now, I’m sad and I’m crying right now. Please forgive me… I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how much I loved you until it was too late.”

Martha Jensen Abortion: Information and One’s Own Journey (2020)

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Post-abortive woman describes her remorse

Michelle Bollom is a post-abortive woman who wrote a book about post-abortion trauma. She gives the following heartbreaking testimony in her book:

“I justified my actions for years: I wouldn’t have the life I have now if I wouldn’t have made the decision to have an abortion… I am not one to sugarcoat, so please don’t be offended. I had committed murder and here I was just defending and justifying why I did it. I never peeled it back really far enough to say I am truly sorry for participating in the decision of murdering my unborn child…

I remember sobbing so uncontrollably. I actually had gotten face down on my knees on the ground. I simply cried over and over [to God] – saying “how can you forgive me when I can’t even forgive myself?”

Michelle Bollom The Forgivable Sin: Shattering the Silence and Shame of Abortion (undated) 15, 16, 17

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Woman who has abortion becomes hysterical when she sees her aborted baby

A British woman who had a late-term abortion describes what happened:

“15 years ago, when I was 17, I had to have a late-term abortion at 21 weeks… I had been taking the pill throughout my relationship with my boyfriend, and when I missed a period, I went straight to my doctor to have a pregnancy test. It came back negative…

Weirdly, I was still missing periods. I returned to my doctor, who said that I had nothing to worry about – it was probably due to the hormonal changes of stopping my oral contraception… [Her boyfriend had gone away to school so she stopped using the pill]

I did another pregnancy test, which came back positive. I was 18 weeks along…

[I]t just seemed impossible for me to have a child… the decision was made as soon as I heard that I was pregnant.

I arranged the abortion myself, and my GP was very helpful. I think she felt quite guilty. It took about two weeks to set up the appointment, and I told my parents the night before I went into the hospital. They were shocked, but supportive too.

I went in on a Tuesday and the doctors administered a pessary to induce dilation and labor. But nothing happened. They waited and tried again, but still nothing… They administered three pessaries and none worked.

It was Thursday by this point and they decided to send some sort of psychologist in to see me. “Couldn’t you just go through with the pregnancy?” She asked. “I mean, you’re already halfway through.”

The doctors and nurses were all pretty unpleasant to me… I was stuck in a room just off the maternity ward, too, so all I could hear was families with their new babies.

After three days, they told me that they could only try the chemicals once more, and if that didn’t work, I would have to have a cesarean. I was horrified.

Eventually though, on Saturday, it worked. I still hadn’t been told though, that essentially, I would have to give birth. My breasts swelled up, I started producing milk, my water broke, and I had contractions. It was terrifying.

Eventually, the fetus came out and I just started screaming and couldn’t stop. It was visiting time in the maternity ward and so the doctor told me to shut up. They had me fall asleep and then took me away to remove the placenta. When I woke up, I was on my own in a bed full of blood…

I felt physically empty in a way that I have never felt since. Despite the trauma of the experience, I have still always known it was the right thing for me to have done, and I have never regretted it.”

Martha Jensen Abortion: Information and One’s Own Journey (2020)

This woman may be unable to cope with her abortion unless she convinces herself it was the right thing to do. Nevertheless, her experience was traumatic, and she was not informed about what would happen to her and her baby.

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Husband pressures wife to abort twins

A woman who regrets her abortions tells her story. She had had two abortions with the same man and got pregnant again:

“… My husband and I were having problems… This time I wanted to have my baby. He told me no, it was better to abort. We scheduled an appointment and I still was trying to convince him to let me keep the baby. He told me it would be better not to have it.

I entered the room so they could prepare my cervix to contract. I would go home and come back the next day. They did an ultrasound and discovered I had twins. I asked for a moment to speak to my husband. I found him outside. I sat down beside him and begged him to let me keep the babies. He convinced me we could not afford them. I went back inside and killed my twins.

Less than a year later, I was divorced and my ex-husband and his girlfriend were expecting a baby…

I have paid the price dearly and even though God has forgiven me I still struggle with a life sentence of guilt… Please know that the simple and quick solution is usually not always the right one. This quick fix will haunt you till you die….I murdered four of my babies!”

Martha Jensen Abortion: Information and One’s Own Journey (2020)


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Woman’s abortion leads to “heartbreak, shame, guilt and regret”

In an email sent out by Live Action, a woman called “Maria” told her story:

“I was 16 when I got pregnant the first time. I was on the pill—actually, I was on the pill both times I got pregnant. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t get pregnant if you’re on the pill, because it’s a lie.

I knew I was pregnant at the moment of conception. I know it sounds crazy, but I felt the presence of another life like an epiphany. I know she was a girl the same way I knew I was pregnant. I can’t explain it. I just know.

It seemed to be a foregone conclusion that I would have an abortion. Everyone in whom I confided my situation presumed that’s what I would do. Not a single person asked me if I wanted my baby, or suggested adoption as an alternative.

In that echo chamber of voices telling me to kill my baby, my own voice was drowned out.

And so, my way of “not hurting” my daughter was to sentence her to death. A culture that had been obsessed with sexual pleasure longer than I’d been alive had brought me up to believe this was the lesser evil.

It bombarded me with stories of women going on to great successes after their abortions, without ever shedding a tear over the dead babies they left in their wakes. It whispered to me that nobody else regretted their abortions, so there must be something wrong with me for regretting mine.

And I believed it. I believed it so sincerely that I did the whole thing over again three years later. I felt the same heartbreak, shame, guilt, and lamenting regret afterward; yet if you’d asked me about it any time over the following 13 years, I would’ve given you 1,001 reasons why what I’d done had been the “right thing.”

I would never have admitted my secret sorrow, because I believed to do so would be to admit my defectiveness. And yet, I had a nagging feeling of empty despair, which ultimately led to an (failed) attempt to take my own life.

Every day since the deaths of my children, I have felt the two holes in my life where my son and daughter should be. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that your life will be more complete after an abortion, because it’s a lie. It will feel like something is missing for the rest of your life.

I’m telling my story with the hope that I might save even just one woman or girl from the suffocating sorrow I have felt all these years—and that I will continue to feel until the day I die.”

Jun 22, 2021 email from Live Action

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