August 9th 2000. That’s the day my life changed forever. I was 17, going into my senior year of high school. I am the youngest of five children, and my parents are extremely old fashioned. But anyway, here’s my story:
I had been with my boyfriend for about 3 months and we had just started having sex. We used protection and took precautions, but apparently not enough. I knew I was pregnant even before I took the test. I don’t know how to explain, I guess it was “mother’s instinct.” I told my boyfriend that I was a day late…a day! I just knew. so we waited until I was a week late and we went to the store and he bought a test. the next morning I took it and it came out positive. I just sat there….with no emotion. I called and told him. he didn’t have anything to say, he didn’t know what to say. we just decided that we’d talk about it when we could be together. I never wanted an abortion…not for one second through the entire ordeal. I
couldn’t tell my parents because I thought they would kick me out and I didn’t want them to be disappointed in me. I was seven weeks pregnant when we found out. I was in a trance so it was basically all up to him. I didn’t really know too much about abortion at the time. I went to a catholic high school so all they tell you is not to do it. he found the place but I had to call. it was the hardest phone call to make. the date I was scheduled was august 9th. my baby had a scheduled date to die. my baby. it’s an amazing feeling to have a living thing inside of you. knowing that it needs you to survive.
so august 9th came. my boyfriend went with me. neither of us realized what was actually going on. we did what they told us and that was it. I didn’t look at my sonogram, they had the screen facing away. I didn’t admit that I was really pregnant until I heard the doctor say, “yup your definitely pregnant.” the doctors there were extremely nice and they reminded me I had other options but I insisted that my parents would kill me. I went into
another room a bit later and there were like 5 or 6ish other girls in there. it was a weird feeling in that room, like we all knew it was the wrong thing to do but we all tried to make each other feel better about it. it was a support group of sorts. I was the last one of my group to get it done. it was torture waiting there, listening to the machine run for a few minutes, knowing another baby was being killed. but I was called and taken into the room. I laid down and they put the shot in my arm. they told me to count to ten and everything got all fuzzy. I was crying through the whole thing. it hurt..yeah like cramps but I kept thinking of what I was doing. when it was
over I was so hysterical, screaming and crying they had to get a wheelchair to take me to the recovery room. I couldn’t walk. I just kept saying “my baby, my baby”. it was over, my baby was gone. just like that.
I haven’t been able to really laugh, or been happy, or enjoy anything since that fateful day. I think back now, and I realize that my parents are my parents forever and they can’t hate me, just like I could never hate my baby. they love me the way I love my baby. I wish I would have understood that a year and a half ago. my boyfriend and I are still together and he’s admitted that when he saw me walk out after it happened that it really hit him and he knew it was the wrong thing to do. I know that if you haven’t decided what you’re gong to do about your pregnancy, you feel very alone. but you have to know there are a lot of women out there who do understand. I need to talk about it. I don’t know how I’m ever going to feel better about it, I doubt I will. I just know that my baby will always be in my thoughts and prayers, and someday I will be with him, and then I can apologize, but
until then I will live with this pain for the rest of my life.
I’m not gong to tell you not to have an abortion, because I heard that my whole life and I still did. the only advice I’m going to give is this: don’t let anyone change the way you feel. do what feels right to you and no one else. I know you’d be embarrassed to be young and pregnant, but you’ll be able to look back 10 years from now and tell you child you love them and see the smile on their face. I will never see my baby smile. I will never hear him laugh. I will never watch him play baseball or graduate high school, or get married. I can’t because I made the wrong decision and I let people influence what I believed in. there are so many people out there who want to
have children that can’t, but you can, and you can give both your child and a deserving couple life and happiness.
remember, you always have a choice…a choice NOT to. thank you for reading this. (by the way, I named him Noah…)
~JulieShare on Facebook