Hello. I am 17 yrs. old. I was 16 yrs old when I found out I was pregnant. I knew befor I took the test. I kept pretty good track of my monthly. And sometimes it did come a couple days early or late. But when it was one week late I started to get worried. Then every time Id eat something it just came right back up and thats when I knew. My boyfriend at that time got me a test to make sure.
It came up postive very quick, but it didnt shock me at all becuase I just knew that I was. Well, we never even discussed abortion becuase I was totally against it and I still am to this day. My mom kept on bugging me about my period. She said she knew I didn’t have it for a while. And that I better not be pregnant. Of course I was too scared to tell her that I was pregnant. So I hid it the longest I could. I had left a letter that Id wrote to one of my friends in Ct about my situation and of course my mother found it. I was over my boyfriends house one day and she called and told me she found out that I was pregnant and she told me well you do know what your gonna do about it right? I told her Im not having an abortion! She told me fine then you are going to tell your father. Well one night at my house me and Mike were going to tell my father. My mom told my dad that I had to tell him something. I was in the bathroom trying to run away from telling him and somehow he just knew what I was going to tell him! My mom told him that I was pregnant! At that moment I knew I had let my parents down! I felt the world come crashing down on me. They both told me the bad things about being 16 and having a baby. My dad gave me one week t o decide what I wanted to do. But honestly it was what they wanted me to do! They failed to tell me about what having the abortion could do to me emotionally. All that they could say was it was for the best! And honestly I started thinking it was for the best. I didnt have a good relationship w/ the father he was a drug addict and alcoholic. And the more and more my parents talked to me the more and more I thought they were right. So my mom called the clinic and made my appointment on July 21,2001! I was scheduled t go in at 2pm. The night before I was planning on not going, or going and not getting out of the car because I did not want to do it. But all I kept thinking about was when my dad told me the night I told him I was pregnant about all the bad consequences of raising a baby at age 16, and how he would throw me out of the house and not to come around until the baby was born. I couldnt sleep at all the night before I had to go in. On July 21,2001 me my mom and my dad got in the car and headed to the clinic. When I got there I felt so sick to my stomach. I couldnt believe I was actually in there, I just wanted to walk out and forget I ever stepped in that horrible place. But then it kept running through my mind of what a disappointment I would be to my parents if I didnt go through w/ it. I was taken in the back room. The nurses checked my blood pressure and pricked my finger. And I asked the nurse if I was gonna be completely knocked out for it. And she told me I would be given a .05 valium and some laughing gas. Thats when I had the nurse call my mom back there and I told my mom that Id basically be awake through it and I couldnt do that. I didnt want to do it anyways so I thought that thatd be the excuse Id use. But it did not work. My mom kept telling me youll be drugged itll be fine, its for the best! So I said well maybe it is for the best. I was then taken back and told to change into the gown thing. And I was in a room w/ about 20 other girls watching a video of one of the nurses telling us how theyd be performing the abortion. I was so shaken up and I couldnt stop crying. I was literally shaking! Then one girl asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through w/ this and I told her not really, because I dont want to do it but my parents will be so disappointed if I dont. Then it was time to go have the sizing done. I layed on that table while the doctor told me I was 14 weeks along. I did not expect at all to see my baby on a screen. I cant believe that they show you the picture of the baby on the screen. I was so shaken up already so after that I ran out of that room and went to the most caring nurse I have ever met and I told her to get my mom back there again! I told my mom I cant do it becuase they showed my the baby on the screen! And all I heard was do you want to disapoint your dad? So then again I gave in and decided I was gonna go through with it. I was still so shaken up that the nurse who talked to me the whole time I was there told me that I do have a choice and that my parents cant make the decision for me. And I didnt say anything, but in my eyes I was being forced to do it. So the nurse got the Dr. who was performing it on all the girls to talk to me and told me to make sure this is what I wanted and no one else, but its hard when you have your parents telling you all of these horrible things about this and that, so I told him it was. So he then took me and my mom in a room and told my mom that I was so shaken uo that when he performs the abortion that hed have to give me more drugs then the others because if I didnt calm down that I could hurt myself during the procedure. When he was in there w/ me and my mom all I wanted to yell out was that I didnt want to do it and how I hated my parents for doing this to me. Well I kept my mouth shut and the nurse then gave me two .05 valiums to relax me. The nurse had to help me walk into the room where Id have the abortion! I was so out of it! I cant even remember how I got on that cold cold table and how my feet got in the stirrups. All I remember was two nurses holding each of my hands. Then I remember seeing the doctor come in w/ a mask on and all these tools. Then I felt so much pain. Like someone ripping my insides out and the horrible noise. I couldnt stop crying and screaming for him to stop becuase I didnt want him to do it. And it hurt so bad! All I kept thinking was how could I have done this? Then I said to myself at least Ill still be loved by my parents. At least they wont hate me! I did it because of them and there’s no denying that! I sort of feel like I was taken advantage of because I know if they didnt drug me up the way that they did that as soon as I walked in that room I wouldnt have done it and I wouldnt have cared what my parents think. I screamed for the doctor to stop but he wouldnt stop! Thats what I did through the whole 10 min of it was cry and scream. On the way home I didnt even speak to my parents, ever since I had it done they act like it never even happened. And so do I! But thats the thing, I keep it all inside! I get so depressed everytime I see a baby! It just brings back reminders of what I have done to my baby that couldve been! Its almost time for my yearly exam and Im so afraid to go get my pap smear becuase its just gonna remind me of what I did to my baby! I always wonder if the baby was a girl or boy what color eyes and hair. No one has any idea of how this is effecting me. No one knows what Ive gone through emotionally since Ive had it done! I have to deal with this until the day I die. I urge woman who are even giving abortion a thought, it may sound like the best thing to do at that time but you have absolutely no idea of what woman have to go through afterwards. Its the worst pain I have ever felt in my life physically and emotionally. And the worst part about it for me is that I have no one to talk to becuase all they tell me is it was for the best! So if anyone wants to talk please contact me anytime!
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