Author: Tech

Hi, I guess I’ve never done this before. Like tell someone about my problems without even knowing them. But I feel like I need to get this off my chest. The pain I have been feeling ever since I got an abortion. It’s not a physical pain its just an emotional pain that I have inside me. I had my first abortion at 18, I never knew I would remember this for the rest of my life.

It all started when I was dating this guy in high school, we were head over heels about each other. We started having sex and without using a condom. Of course I knew the risks about having sex unprotected but at that moment I didn’t care. It was around the end of my senior year when I noticed I wasn’t getting my period. I told my boyfriend and he told me to buy a pregnancy test and I did. It came out positive, I was sooo scared I did not know what to do. I was afraid to tell my parents because to them I was still their little girl. As soon as I told my boyfriend he told me that he was too young to have a baby and that his mom would kill him. Then he asked me if I was going to keep it and I told him yeah.

He got so mad that he told me that he would break up with me. All he said was that he would come up with the money and to make an appointment with the clinic. Since I had no to talk to or I chose not to I decided to go through with the procedure. That day we went to the clinic and I didn’t even speak to him. He gave the so called nurse the money. Automatically, they took me into this room with a bed, made me take off my clothes and put on a gown. After that all I remember is asking the doctor if this was going to hurt. He said no. Later I woke up in the recovery room with other women beside me. After that me and my boyfriend broke up and never spoke to each other again.

Thru some of my friends I have found out that he has a baby with another girl. This is the worst experience in my life and I hope no one has to go thru it. It is a life u are killing and something u will regret for the rest of your life. You will ask yourself day after day what the baby might of been, who it might of looked like, I know I do. Every night I pray for that baby that didnt have a chance to live and I hope that God is taking care of him or her for me. And that just maybe when I go to heaven I will get the chance to see and be with my baby.

Linda

 

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Hi– My name is Melissa and I am now 24 years old. I wrote the following letter a little shy of one year ago to a wonderful website, standupgirl.com. I had just had an abortion, and I felt I needed to get my story out there in the hopes that it may help at least ONE woman not make the same painful mistake I did.

My one year anniversary on my abortion is coming up, one week from today, Easter Sunday actually. One year later, the pain is no better then that horrible day when I walked out of the abortion clinic. I miss my baby more then ever, and I left my husband because of the abortion. I just want to let people know that the pain is not just physical, actually, the physical pain is nothing compared to the piercing ache I feel in my soul every day. And it doesn’t JUST go away, and you can’t just GET OVER IT. It’s a ghost, a ghost that I’m afraid will haunt me for the rest of my life. The only thing that get me out of bed somedays is that I know by posting my story, there are at least 7 babies growing happily in their mommies bellies, or just recently born, because of my experience, which is why I am so dedicated to continuing to share it.

I am writing you in hopes that maybe my story can help someone. It’s almost ironic. When I found your website in February, I had just found out I was pregnant, and it one one of the very things that helped me decide to keep my baby. Now in May, I’m back here hoping to find some sort of solace for the horrible act I ultimately committed.

I’m 23 years old, I have a full time job, I’m married, we own a home, and my husband is in the military. At the time I found out I was pregnant though, my husband and I were seperated, one of the main reasons for that being that as I got older I wanted children, and he did not. When I told him I was pregnant, he was not happy at all. Immediately he began pushing abortion. I listened to what he had to say, but I already loved the baby that was growing inside me. But he is a very convincing man, and he almost had me convinced that was the right thing to do, altough I still fought him on it.

I had been having some complications, so I had to go to the doctor. He took me, and on the way there, he told me that he had changed his mind, that we could do this. I was so overjoyed! I was gonna be a mommy! I did everything right. I read the books, took my vitamins, everything. I went to another followup appointment where they did an ultrasound and I got to see my baby for the first time, hear his heart beating inside me. My husband was out of town so my mother was there with me. It was amazing. Then he changed his mind. April 4th he came home, and I knew something was wrong. When he finally opened up, he had turned into someone I didn’t know, a monster. He hated me, he hated the child, I would never be able to make it without him and he didn’t want to be a part of any of it anymore. When I left, I convinced myself that I would never forgive myself if I subjected a child to that sort of father. So the next day, I made the appointment.

April 16th, 2005, at 8:45am I walked into the clinic with my husband. Of course he was kind enough to take me, he had ultimately won. They took my name, took my money, and told me to take a seat. I couldn’t look anywhere but down. I knew what I was doing was wrong. They called me back for bloodwork, then put me in a room with 20, (yes, 20!) other women where they explained to us all the legalities of it and how the procedure goes. Then they split us up into groups of 10, and put us in rooms where we were medicated with valium and motrin, we changed into our hospital gowns, and waited. No couseling was offered at this facility. I swear if one of those staff members had asked if I was doing this for myself, I would’ve said no, walked out, and would still be carrying my precious baby. But my child had no such opportunity. Eventually they called my name. They walked me back to the room, and laid me on that cold table and put my feet in the stirrups. I had nitrous gas, but as soon as the doctor walked in it was as if I had had nothing. I was completely sober.

I will spare the specifics, but I will say it was as close to death as I have ever felt. The doctor was cold, snappy, and rude. He didn’t even warn me that he was going to begin. I began to hyperventilate. I wanted to stop it but it was too late, the damage was done. I lay there crying out to my baby and to God, “I’m so sorry, Forgive me please!” When he began the removal, I literally felt a piece of my soul come out of my body. That afternoon, when I was finally allowed to leave, I left a completely different person. I was hardened, angry, sad, and completely alone. One month to the day has gone by, and there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t though of Michael Thomas (thats when I named him). I never was shown that he was a boy, but I just feel like it was a boy. Every day I have flashbacks to April 16th, and every night when I close my eyes, I see this sweet child, just after delivery being wrapped up by the nurses. Just as they get close enough for me to touch him, I wake up.

I will regret my decision till the day I die. I chose the so-called love of a man over the love for a child. NEVER AGAIN. I could have done it. But I was weak, timid, afraid. There ARE options for girls. As sad and hard as adoption would be, those brave women that do it are HEROS, through and through. They are the heros to their child, to the family that adopts, and they are a small ray of hope for all the unborn children, that there IS a chance at life. I don’t know how this sounds, I dont know if you can use my story. But I felt in honor of my child, I had to put my story out there, to possibly stop one child from suffering as mine did.

Melissa

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I had an abortion last month, and if I had had any idea I would feel how i did, no way on earth would I have gone through with it.

I’m 20, and had been told I probably wouldn’t be able to have kids, so my boyfriend and I were never all that careful. Then, just before Christmas, I started to feel sick a lot, stuff that I used to love eating made me feel sick or tasted different, and some smells had me gagging and running for the bathroom. So even before my period was late, I knew I was pregnant. When I did that test and it came up positive, I didn’t know how to feel. I couldn’t believe it, but what with how I was feeling, I knew it was right. I was happy, I had always wanted kids young, and although I knew my boyfriend didn’t want kids just yet, I figured once I told him he would come round to it. So I called a friend first, I wanted to take another test, just to be sure. She was all wide eyed, what are you going to do? sort of thing. I just felt shocked, but also really, I don’t know, special. I had a baby inside of me, I was going to be a mum. I didn’t want to go to a doctor to begin with, I wanted to tell my boyfriend first, we had talked before about what would happen if somehow I did get pregnant, and he always said have an abortion and I always said I didn’t think I could do that. So I told him, and he didn’t really believe me, but he was so so so cold to me. I couldn’t believe it. I mean it was unplanned, but how could he not feel the rush of love I had when I first found out? It was our baby! I’m crying as I type this, but he was just so cold and so sure, I didn’t want to bring a baby into the world who’s daddy didn’t want it, I didn’t want to tell my parents and have them be disappointed in me. I didn’t want to lose my partner, so I had an abortion. I will never ever ever forgive myself for letting someone push me into it. The same as I will never ever forget how my boyfriend treated me . Funny thing, I did it so I wouldn’t lose him, but now I hate him so it didn’t really matter. I have lost the boyfriend who said he loved me no matter what and that he would always be there for me, because I know it’s not true.

I went to the hospital, they gave me tablets to stop the pregnancy. My boyfriend came with me then, moaned about how the nurse gave him nasty looks. Which she did because I told her he had said he didn’t want it. She told me not to do it for him, but i convinced her it was for me. Still, I cried as soon as I swallowed those tablets, knowing there was no going back and I had just killed my baby. Even if you think you are ready for it, nothing can prepare you for how it feels. Not for me anyway. Two days later we showed up at the hospital and i was given more tablets. An hour later I had the worst pains ever, and could barely shuffle out the ward to the nurses station to get some painkillers. I felt ill so went to the toilets, and then the blood started pouring out of me, honestly was the most disgusting thing ever, blood and tissue falling out of you is NOT a pleasant thing at all. Then I saw something in the bowl, like a little long thing. On closer inspection, it was my baby. It had it’s little mouth wide open like it was screaming, and it had eyes, arms legs and everything, even though I was only 9 weeks pregnant, it was not a blood clot at all. I was shocked, but told the nurses and went out to my boyfriend where i burst into tears. It was then it occurred to me i had been hoping that since i was so close to the borderline of being able to have this treatment that it wouldn’t work. I didn’t want to kill my baby, i wanted to bring it up and cuddle it and make it happy and healthy. I wanted to protect it like a mummy should do, not throw it away. I had to sign things to say that I didn’t mind them taking the fetus, or cremating it along with others of the same sort of gestational age. Which I did. But then going home, I thought how cold and hard that was, not only did I not want my baby but i let them throw it in with other people’s unwanted babies. I didn’t even let it at least be buried or cremated like it was special to me. It was, it was my baby and I would give anything to go back. I should have been just about 4 months pregnant now, I would love to be getting ready for my first scan, seeing my baby’s heart beating on the screen. But I can’t, because I was too scared and too selfish and too worried about my boyfriend to keep it, and I will never, ever, ever get over that.

Alexis

 

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My heart pounds as I write. My stomach is churning. I had an abortion in about 1974. I got pregnant and was very happy. I told my husband at dinner. He got mad and said he would leave if I had the baby.

I had a two year old son at the time by a previous marriage. I called my mother and told her my husband wanted me to have an abortion or he was leaving. She actually told me an abortion would probably be best. The one I thought I could trust to stand by me, my own mother counseled me to abort my baby!! I wanted that baby so bad! My husband talked me into abortion.

I waited as long as I could to make the appointment. The last time I called, the abortion clinic said I would have to make my decision soon, or it would be too late. I wanted it to be too late! But I got scared, and made the appointment.

The actual appointment was a nightmare!! They told me that “it” was just a blob of blood, not even a formed baby yet. That was a total lie! I put on a gown, and they put me on a table in stirrups. I was left with my legs apart in those stirrups for a long time. I was crying so hard! When the doctor and nurses came it, I told them I didn’t want to do it! I said NO! The doctor said to “think good thoughts or you’ll have nightmares under the anesthesia”. I said NO, and they put the needle in me and put me out!!!!! I indeed had a nightmare! I dreamt I was on a conveyer belt going through a tunnel of uterine materials. That’s the only way I can describe it. It was all around me, swirling, thick tissue. I was terrified!

When I woke up, I was crying my eyes out. I held my stomach and kept saying, “My baby! My baby!” I thought frantically that maybe I hadn’t had the abortion yet, that maybe I still had a chance…maybe the baby was still safe inside me. A nurse came over (I was in the recovery room with several other women) and said, “I know….I know…It’s alright…”

My husband picked me up and took me home. I hated him! His first words were, “We can have another baby”. I had nightmares every night, I was depressed… I kept waking up, hearing a baby cry. I would sit up with the hope that it was all a nightmare and my baby was crying for me. My husband got sick of my depression and longing for my baby. I got pregnant about 1 1/2 years later. My husband said the same thing to me… “Get an abortion! I don’t want a baby!” I ran for my baby’s life!! I moved in with my mother out of town. She wasn’t sympathetic, but I didn’t care! I just wanted a place to go where I could have my baby! I had a beautiful little girl. I left my husband, but he fell in love with that little girl. She now has a 2 yr. old and another one on the way.

My youngest daughter got pregnant with her 3rd child and she called from out of state to tell me she was going to have an abortion. I sent her Pro-life info and pictures. She was insistent that she was having an abortion as soon as she got the $100. I prayed to God that she wouldn’t get the money. I called her several times….even in the middle of the night to plead with her to at least have the baby and give her up for adoption. After viewing the materials I sent her, she decided to have the baby. I became the grandmother/guardian of that baby the day she was born. She is now 5 years old! Such a beauty!

One of my other daughters ended up pregnant too. It just happened to be about the time I fell apart from my previous abortion. I was reading the abortion materials and had the pictures, and ended up joining a recovery group from the local Crisis Pregnancy Center. I saw my daughter pick up the materials and take them to her room. She read them and told me she was pregnant and that she decided to have her baby. She is now married to the father. Their daughter is now 8 years old. They are planning their second baby! I am blessed with 6 grandchildren currently.

I’ll never forget the nightmare. I went to the abortion clinic that took my baby when Crisis Pregnancy Center had a candlelight vigil. We were actually on the news! I held pictures of an aborted baby, which said, “Abortion hurts women”. The news showed the writing, but not the picture…. I’m not afraid to tell of my abortion. It has saved some babies, though I lost one girl, who ended up aborting. I’ll always take a stand in defense of the unborn, and against the bloody slaughter of generations of children! When one baby is aborted, it’s not just one life lost, but their children and their children’s children….entire generations die in each baby killed.

Thanks for listening. I know it was long….

Janet

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wish that i had found this site before i went through with it, it has shown me what really goes on.

I had an abortion on the 24th may 2004, it was the worst mistake ive ever made! I am 16 years old, and was preparing to do my GCSE’s. I’d just split from my boyfriend of 2 years, we’d needed a break from each other. When we got back together at the beginning of may, i found out i was pregnant.

I had always said to myself that if i had an ‘accident’ and fell pregnant then i would keep the baby, but when it happens to you your mind doesn’t always think the way you want it to.

i found out for sure that i was pregnant at a clinic, my boyfriend was there and i didn’t know what to do, i needed time to think. I told my mum and dad, they were supportive, but would prefer the abortion as i am so young and was about to do my exams. i was petrified, everyone including my boyfriend wanted me to have the abortion, they weren’t forcing me, but felt like i had to as it was what everybody else wanted. I booked the appointment, i went with my boyfriend, he was so supportive, he just wanted me to be ok. I had to wait on my own though, there were other girls there, with their mum’s, friends and sisters, but my boyfriend wasn’t allowed in, i hated sitting on my own, all i could think about was how i was going to feel afterwards.

I went into a room where they did a scan, i was having the ‘medical abortion’ as they thought i was less than 8 weeks (which is the cut off point, you have to be less than 8wks to have it). i had the scan, the woman said i was at least 9 weeks pregnant, as the foetus was big, i looked at the picture that was printed off of my baby, after that everything is a blur. I think my mind just went into like a robot mode, i didn’t talk i just did what they told me. i took a tablet, then i went home. I was sick, the tablet made me ill.

I went back 2 days later and they inserted pesseries to bring on contractions. This was the most painful experience i’ve had, i aksed for pain relif, which i couldn’t take as i kept being sick. My boyfriend was allowed in at this point, he was so worried for me. After 2 hours of lying still all i could do was wait. I could barely walk to the toilet i was in that much pain. It took around 6 hours for my miscarriage to be ‘completed’. I saw my baby, which really shook me, at that point i just broke down, i’d realised what i had done, i just wasnted to put the baby back inside me where it belonged(sounds wierd, i know). I went home and stayed it bed for days, i have cried about it every night since then, that was 7 months ago. I just can’t believe that i went through with it. It is such a traumatic experience, and i regret it, i regret it every minute of the day. In less than a month it will be my baby’s due date, i am dreading it, but it’s my own fault! I wish i could turn back time, like many others, but i made a choice.

Think about the choices you make!!!!!

EM

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I had a positive pregnancy test two days before I went to have a tubal ligation. This would have been my 6th child and I felt I couldn’t handle all the responsibilities of a newborn, toddler, and preschooler under feet.

(The abortion was) horrible, degrading, shameful. One of the most shaming things I have had to go through in my lifetime. One of the most saddest days in my life knowing I was ending a new life who hardly had a chance to live yet.

I gained 30 lbs. in 8 months. I was very depressed and detached from my present children and could not let go of the actual aborting day – all the events – for many months afterward.

I sought out help from a woman who had experience with post- abortion issues. Met with her one on one for 6 months, then with a group she put together for 8 weeks with others who shared my experience.

It changed my life by allowing me to look deeper into myself and understand what I held of value in my life – motherhood – that I wouldn’t have lost myself if I had chosen to keep my child – that I would have had another one to love and nurture.

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From a collection of first-hand testimonies from women. These were gathered from a survey done by Priests for Life. They can be found on the Priests for Life website.

My best friend at the time helped me come to the conclusion that abortion was the best solution. I didn’t find out till afterwards that she too had had an abortion. She helped me in every way as far as where I could obtain one, continually encouraged me that this was the best decision. She took me to the clinic and picked me up. At that point our relationship grew further and further apart.

(It was) worse than the 2 miscarriages I had, combined. Not only a sense of loss but a loss I could have prevented if I were told the truth about abortion.

The relationship with my boyfriend ended. I worked long hours. I became more promiscuous, made sure I didn’t develop any long term relationships, kept my family at a distance — even my 2 children. Physically I became a mess!

Hemorrhaging started only hours after the abortion and within 7 years I was hospitalized 3 times. Now I no longer can get pregnant.

I wasn’t able to deal with my abortion till I saw “Silent Scream”. Shortly before that I gave my life to Christ, gradually after admitting that I killed my baby. Christ did a healing within me, as I dealt with each step. Only by trusting fully in Christ and reading Gods’ word and the counseling my pastor gave I become healed.

It made me aware that our laws are no longer made for our best interest, to ask questions. Question, that the medical field can be and is fallible. That Life does begin at conception and has value. I have become more bold and outspoken with injustice and am helping those who are hurting from abortion. The experience to share with the public what abortion really is and what really goes on inside the clinics. And I have become a rooted Christian.

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I became pregnant 7 months before my wedding. Parents strongly disapproved of my relationship. My fiance had just lost his job – had little money, no health insurance and he was about to start school. He is the only person who knew – parents weren’t told.

Quick – impulsive. Wanted to get back to normal ASAP. Scheduled procedure quickly – went into clinic quickly. Did not receive counseling – seek alternatives. Wanted to keep it quiet and secret.

Closed off all personal relationship. No intimacy with my husband. Sex was awful. I was angry at myself and at the world. Over time pushed everyone away – because they would hate me anyway. Had trouble bonding with children.

Initially sought support through Conquerors. Then sought professional counseling (2 years) and had little personal growth. Eventually received Christ and furthered growth.

My abortion made me very angry and hateful at myself and family. Lies began to consume me. I couldn’t parent my kids – I was angry and rageful. As I began to heal, however, my life has changed -confidence/assurance has returned – self esteem is improving – helping others heal from abortion

Note: Religious beliefs expressed in testimonies are not necessarily endorsed by site owner.

 

 

 

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I was non-Catholic, 19 years old, sort-of engaged to a non-practicing Catholic man older than me, who said he could have a previous marriage annulled quickly (not true) to marry me. Although abortion was illegal [at the time], society frowned on unwed mothers and on less than full-term birth after marriage. Someone at work arranged for it. My “fiance” did not approve, but did not strenuously object. He did not participate.

It was in 3d month. Performed by a Dr. in DC in his apartment. It was by iodine or something inserted into the womb. Somewhat painful. (There was not yet movement, and I had no realization this was a child, but rather a problem. There was guilt, more for the clandestine nature and secrecy than for taking a life. I was rather ignorant about many things, had been sheltered growing up.)

The shame I felt was more pronounced when I became Catholic at age 25. I would confess that sin, (for I knew then it was sin) over and over, until a priest told me I need not do that. Still it haunted me until at last I accepted God’s forgiveness and finally forgave myself.

Just in the last year, I reached age 50 and realized I would probably never marry. Have been disappointed in men and never really trusted them after that. After telling a friend about it, I finally mourned the loss of my child and realized that I am a mother and I rejected my child.

There has been a sense of guilt and shame ever since, whether for moral reasons or other. To realize one has taken a life is hard to live with, even when one feels forgiven. There is an underlying sense that if one you love knew about it, they would condemn you. I am glad to be Catholic and to have the Sacrament of Penance and am sorry for those who do not yet realize that abortion is killing a live baby at whatever stage of development as we now know it.

I think a sense of strong remorse will always be with me, perhaps less a punishment and more a consequence of sin.

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I got pregnant just out of high school and my parents and the father’s parents were too ashamed to own up, so my mother told me if I didn’t have an abortion she wouldn’t talk to me — so I had an abortion.

It was very traumatic and clinical. All they were interested in is the money! (It was) very scary and I felt wrong and I knew I shouldn’t, but I felt forced into it.
Well, my boyfriend wouldn’t talk to me and my mom was angry and when she caught me crying myself to sleep she told me she’d ground me if she caught me crying again.

I got pregnant again 6 months later and went to a Christian maternity home and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and with His help I got through it. I’m still not fully recovered and it was 2 years ago.

I have learned to appreciate life and the gift the Lord gave us and the pain and agony you get when you snuff out one of those lives! I have learned to love all people, especially children! I will carry that sadness the rest of my life.

Religious beliefs expressed in testimonies are not endorsed by the creator of clinicquotes

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