Month: September 2012

Hi, i thought it’s about time i let go and shared my feelings with others hopefully writing to you and others reading will perhaps change someone’s mind on having an abortion.

I was in sixth year at school sitting highers when my life had turned sour. To paint a picture for you, I was living with my dad, mum lived away and I had a boyfriend of 2 years. We had broken up but fell back in.

For the start of our relationship I always used protection when it came to intercourse. Then after a while we stopped using it as we thought things would be ok.

I made the mistake of going out with friends and consuming alcohol, then having unprotected sex with a boy I had fancied throughout my time at school. I wasn’t proud of what I done afterwards.

A couple of weeks passed and I felt sick all the time. I was sitting at the dinner table one evening with my mother and her new man, when she asked me if I was pregnant. I automatically defended myself and said NO. Then i started to think to myself, WHAT IF I AM?

I started to get worried and I had to ask my older sister to come with me for a test. Surprise, surprise it came up positive, the one thing i didn’t want.

At this stage of my life I had a lot to do. I wasn’t even 18 yet. I was going on a mountain climb to Spain within that year, and last but not least I didn’t know who the father was. I so much wanted it to be the long term boyfriend who I liked a lot, but then I thought, It’s more likely to be the one night stand with the boy from school. I thought about what I could do and the only thing I came up with was a termination.

I remember it as though it was a dream that never happened. It started when I went to a woman’s clinic and said I didn’t want to have a baby right at this time as I wanted to finish school, go to college, and go on my mountain climbing trip. Now thinking of they things it was so selfish.

They booked me in with a hospital. I went there and lay on a bed. They didn’t let me see anything or even hear anything. Again they asked me why I wanted to do it. I just wished now that they had told me about the procedure or even what would happen to me afterwards but they didn’t. If only they could have tried to talk me out of it I wouldn’t be here today sharing this with you all.

I eventually told my mum. She took it well and said she would support me in any decision I made. I kept it from my dad and he still doesn’t know to this day. But she didn’t try to change my mind either. Mum went with me to the hospital that day. I didn’t have anything to eat. I had to lie in a bed for a while, then the nurse came and inserted something into my bottom area which wasn’t very pleasent. A while later they inserted needles into my arm. Then I was moved on to the trolley and away I went. Along the corridors I went and then they dropped me off at the table. As I lay there starting to shake they injected something into the valve in the arm, put an object over my face and told me to count to 5. …

I woke up outside the surgery room in the middle of a corridor thinking what the hell have I done. When I went back my mum was still there holding my hand. I acted as though nothing had happened. I had to rest for a couple of hours. Then it was time to stand up. Blood was covering the bed where I lay and I felt sick. A nurse came and gave me some contraceptive pills and some pain killers. Walking from the hospital to the taxi I was crouched with pain. I got home and curled up into small ball and cried all night.

This subject is out of bounds to talk about: my mum and sister don’t say a word. I am in a good relationship now and have briefly spoken about this. They do not approach this subject without me starting the conversation because it is still raw and probably will always be.

There is not a day that goes by without me thinking about the child that I could have had. I am the only person in my family now with no children. I love to play with all my nieces and nephews and I always think, If only I hadn’t terminated my child it could play too.

I would say that my body physically hasn’t mended and that I suffer from depression. It’s something I need to live with for the rest of my life as I can’t turn back the clock, but if I could I wouldn’t have done what I did.

I am 22 now studying at college, in a good relationship, and trying to make things work.

I just hope that this can help someone else make the right desion. Thanks for reading.

 

 

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On April 22, 1992 at Dr Martin Haskell’s office in Dayton, Ohio I ended the life of my unborn child. I wrote this in hopes that someday he or anyone else that reads my story will change their view on abortion. It has now been 12 years, 11 months and 4 days sense I took the life of my baby. Here is my story.

While at this time I am 27 years old, I had an abortion when I was 14. (That’s a story in itself.) Abortion just destroys a “thing”. Well, that’s the lie they tell you. They took the one thing from me that I can never get back: they took my child, a part of me. How can they refer to him as just a “thing”? It has changed every aspect of my life, from trying to determine whether I should have the right to live to questioning my religious beliefs. I can’t explain the bond between mother and child, especially sense I never held my son. I never saw him smile or say Mommy I love you. I never saw him walk and I took that away from him. I will forever have to remember that I took a life that day. I am still not sure to this day if my little angel can forgive me or even if I have the right to ask for forgiveness.

Today I have three beautiful little girls. Watching them grow I can’t help but wonder, What if my little one were here? What would he look like? Now I am having to live my life every day in pain, crying constantly, not being able to be there for my daughters as a mother should.

In conclusion, they can’t tell me that this was just a “thing”. He was a human. My child a part of me and even though he isn’t here with me I will hold him in my heart forever.

 

 

 

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As a little girl, I often dreamed of a life full of adventure and that along this journey, I would marry Mr. Right and have a family. I never dreamed that my journey would include an abortion.

My dream life took its first tragic turn when I was 13 years old. My wonderful father passed away very suddenly. Teenage years are hard enough to get through, but now I was a daddy’s girl without her daddy. His death left a huge hole in my heart that I didn’t know how to fill. Rather than find comfort in my faith, I looked to the things and people of this world to fill the void. As years went by, I especially tried to find happiness through relationships. At first, I thought that my high school boyfriend would be Mr. Right and I exchanged my virginity for his affection. It was a bad deal. So I moved on to college without Mr. Right and without my virginity.

The summer before my sophomore year of college, I met another candidate for Mr. Right. Again I made the exchange of myself for affection, and again it was a bad deal. This time I would be going back to school without Mr. Right but with a pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. Over and over in my mind I kept thinking, this isn’t supposed to happen to me. I didn’t know what to do.

One week before I was to pack up and go back to school, I told the father of the baby that I was pregnant. He asked me what I was going to do about it. I knew by his response that he saw this as MY problem- not his. He did offer to pay for half of the abortion, so I returned to school that fall with $150.00 in cash and a big decision to make. A week after I moved back to school, I decided maybe the college health center could help me. I went to the front desk and asked for a pregnancy test. The nurse at the desk asked me if I had already taken a home pregnancy test and informed me that if it was positive then it would be a waste of time for them to give me another one. I asked if I could talk to someone. Another nurse came out into the waiting room to speak with me. When I realized that they weren’t even going to let me past the front desk, I knew they could offer me no help. I asked the nurse about abortion, and she said I could just find a clinic in the yellow pages. I walked out of the college health center feeling utterly alone. The one person I should have turned to was my mother, but I just couldn’t overcome my fear of facing her with this hurtful news.

So when I got back to my dorm room, I picked up the yellow pages and called the abortion clinic. The abortion experience was like a cattle drive. The other women and I were herded together from room to room. The only thing I remember about the abortion counselor was that she asked me if I would like a prescription for the birth control pill. She gave me a starter pack of pills and an antibiotic to take after the procedure. We were then ushered into separate rooms where we waited for the doctor. It was a cold and humiliating experience. The worst part was the “recovery room.” All the women were put together into a large dark room where we were placed on cold vinyl beds to wait for the Valium to wear off. I’ll never forget the sickening feeling of lying in that room, listening to the moaning of other women and just wanting to escape as quickly as possible.

In the days that followed I felt relief. I had wanted the pregnancy to be untrue and now I thought it was over. For years after, I worked hard to forget that day and pretend it never happened. I finished college and along the way I did meet Mr. Right. We were having a wonderful time together and talking about marriage. It seemed like my dream life was right on track. I had finished my degree, had a great job and a wonderful fiance. So I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy.

Finally, I decided that maybe, just maybe, it was because I missed God. I secretly began to pray. Since I was hiding my sin in the darkness – that is where God answered my prayer – in the darkness of a movie theater. My fiance and I were at the movies seeing the “Gr6een Mile.” In that film, Tom Hanks plays the role of a death row prison guard who must oversee the execution of an innocent man. Even though Hanks’ character knows the gentle inmate is innocent, he participates in the execution; but it haunts him for the rest of his life. At the end of the film, the prison guard wonders what it will be like at the end of his own life when he meets God. He utters the line, “What will I say when God asks me why, why did you kill my miracle?”

Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. Because I knew that someday God would ask me that same question. Why, did I kill His miracle and I would have to answer that it was because I was afraid of making room in my life for that child. I went home from the movies, locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed until I couldn’t breathe. I realized that the abortion had not just been about my life, but it was about the life of a child that I couldn’t bring myself to face. All the pain I thought I had avoided came crashing down on me in that moment. I realized that I had sacrificed the life of another human being just to maintain my status quo. It was more than I could bear.

Fortunately, God gave me the grace to return to the Catholic Church. I didn’t want to be afraid anymore. I went to the sacrament of reconciliation and finally felt the fear drain away. Through the mercy of Christ, I was forgiven and free. Then I found even further healing through an organization called Rachel’s Vineyard. I would urge any woman who has had an abortion to attend a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat. It was a chance for me to spend an entire weekend on the many emotional wounds I had left unattended for so many years. When I left that retreat, I felt like a new person.

I now have five beautiful children and a loving, gifted husband. But I know that there is someone missing from my life who cannot be replaced.

What I would like everyone to know is that abortion clinics are like human pawn shops. I walked into there and exchanged my own child in return for the life I thought I wanted. But I walked out with a debt of grief and sorrow that I could not repay.

From Priests for Life
Note; Religious beliefs expressed in testimonies are not necessarily endorsed by site owner

 

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“I am speaking up to those considering or who have had an abortion. By the time I was 24 I had a troubled past – a child I had placed for adoption, one divorce, a growing alcohol problem and many sexual affairs under my belt. Now, I was on my way to an abortion. I had, once again, found myself pregnant and abandoned for the second time.

I regretted giving up my first child and did not want to do it again, so I decided to keep the baby this time. So I packed up and moved to Los Angeles from the Bay Area to continue my singing and acting career and become a mother.

Once I arrived in L.A., the lady I was staying with convinced me to go and talk with someone at Planned Parenthood so I would be able to make an “informed choice” about this very important decision I thought I had already made. My meeting with Planned Parenthood went on for a grueling three hours. After many tears were shed, I finally relinquished myself to the fact that I had come to Los Angeles to pursue a career, not to become a mother and abortion was the only answer. I scheduled my appointment for the following week for I was closing in on the crucial 10-week deadline.

I arrived at Planned Parenthood with a man I had just met at an audition the previous day who insisted upon taking me. I recall being extremely nervous and scared so they decided to put me to sleep during the procedure. When I woke up, I was crying and thanking the doctor all at the same time for I thought that my dilemma had been resolved. Little did I know that I would continue to careen down a 10-year path of deeper self-destruction. As I pursued my show business career, I buried my pain by continuing on in my quest to fill the hole left in my heart. I continued to have more affairs leaving me with a total of 3 marriages, and a need to anesthetize myself with alcohol, and drugs. This madness brought 10 years of numerous diagnoses and medication for bi-polar disease, chronic depression, hypomania, and borderline manic-depression, several psychological counselors and psychiatrists, and an inpatient treatment center. I also suffered from emotional outbursts, fits of rage, paranoia and an inability to understand or embrace God’s love for me. A miscarriage during my third marriage and severe depression eventually left me with such a sense of hopelessness, guilt and shame that suicidal thoughts became a regular occurrence. When I finally gave birth to our first child in my third marriage, I spent the whole pregnancy anticipating yet another loss of another child and was unable to bond with him for the first year of his life.”

Julie then goes on to say that she had a religious conversion which helped her deal with her issues.

From Priests for Life. Used with permission.

 

 

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I have a story to tell…. In my teens I had 2 late abortions and was totally unaware of the murder I had committed. I was told that my children were not really children. What a lie. To cut a long story short I have had terrible emotional problems and a day does not pass with out me remembering and repenting for my deplorable act of killing my own children.

I have also had a total of 9 miscarriages with two of them at 23 and 24 weeks and both babies died.

I believe there are just as many believers as unbelievers aborting their babies. I would love it if my story would steer people away from aborting their babies. I also feel strongly that in educating people not to abort their babies we should also make provision for people who have found themselves pregnant. I know that in my case if some one had told me and also helped me through the pregnancy I might have my two children here with me today. So let’s not only make public our voice against taking the life of innocent children, we should also make it known that for those who find themselves in that position there is practical help and emotional support available.

From Priests for Life. Used with permission.

 

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I had my abortion when I was 15 years old. My mother gave me no option but abortion. I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone about it; my mother and I were the only ones that knew until recently.

The father’s family and mine had been friends for a long time when we started dating and got pregnant. He and his family would have been supportive, but my mother chose not to tell them about it.

It was 1976 in Dallas. They used different sized rods to dilate me; the glass jar was beside me at the end with the contents. There was a lot of physical pain. My mother was in the waiting room and I was all alone. I felt abandoned and alone. I really wanted to see the father of the baby. I knew he loved me and still does to this day. I broke up him with a little while later. I couldn’t stand him not knowing and I wasn’t allowed to tell him. The pain became unbearable and I turned to drugs and alcohol. I think I experienced every drug during this time.

I finally married when I was 19 years old, but it lasted three boys and seven years. He was physically abusive. I stayed single for five years and remarried after an emotionally abusive marriage, three boys and 15 years it ended. During my divorce I started seeking counseling and over the period of the last 2 1/2 years I have faced my unwanted abortion. I have bought my baby a headstone and placed it next to my father. I have been In touch with the baby’s father and he knows everything and has forgiven me. I’m still In the process of forgiving my mother. I wanted my baby and think about and miss her daily.

Rest In Peace My Angel

 

 

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I had an abortion because I thought I wasn’t ready for a child as a college student. I felt if I kept the baby, I wouldn’t be able to finish my schooling. More so, I felt some pressure by my husband to have the abortion considering we were not financially stable.

I recall making an appointment in Atlanta and once we got there, I couldn’t do it and walked out of the clinic. My husband got mad that we drove all the way there and I didn’t go through with it. The second time we made an appointment, it was at another abortion clinic, and once again I walked out after seeing the ultrasound. This caused fighting between my husband and me because he kept saying we needed to do this because we aren’t financially stable. I hated fighting and I felt so alone and like I had no other choice, so I finally scheduled my last appointment. I told the ultrasound tech I didn’t want to see the ultrasound because I knew I would walk out again.

I remember the day I aborted my child very clearly, as if it happened yesterday. I was looking at all the other girls sitting next to me in the waiting room in long gowns. Most of them looked distressed and upset and I remember all of their faces very clearly to this day. Every process in the clinic was just another step to murdering a baby and scarring women. I was the last patient in the waiting room to get an abortion. About a half hour before the nurse called me into the procedure room, I started crying violently and once again wanted to just get up and leave. I felt like I HAD to do this, however, and stayed. I will never forget the procedure room. It was dark and gloomy. I could just tell this was not right. The doctor barely said anything to me and just told me not to move and that it won’t be painful if I stay still. I was crying and shaking because I was so scared and felt so violated. I felt every single stroke of the suction machine and thought, “What am I doing? I’m letting this doctor dismember my child.” I was screaming in pain because it hurt so bad, I wanted to throw up. Moderate period like cramping? I think not. My procedure felt like I was being dismembered too. I kept telling the nurse I feel like I’m gonna faint and she just kept telling me that it will be OK.

Immediately following the procedure, the nurse told me to go to the bathroom and change into my regular clothes and afterward, I laid in the recovery room for a few minutes and then the nurse took my blood pressure, gave me my meds and told me to go home. I felt like I was being rushed out of there because I was the last patient. It didn’t seem like they cared at all.

Immediately after the abortion, I felt empty and forever scarred. I wanted to be alone and felt like no one understood what I just want through. I felt guilt, remorse and shame for killing my child and wanted to die. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want people to judge me. There was no one to talk to and I felt so alone and so empty wishing I could turn back time and put that tiny baby back into my uterus. As time went on after the abortion, I found out I had an infection and some remaining tissue in my uterus I also later found out that the doctor who performed the abortion had two malpractice settlements. I just hoped that I will be able to have kids in the future.

Emotionally, I felt like this was my punishment for undergoing an abortion. I think about this child every day and cry every day.

There won’t be a day that I won’t think about my aborted baby. It’s something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I hope no woman has to go through what I went through. I found help and forgiveness through meeting with this wonderful lady, Melissa Howard for post abortion counseling. I’m actually still in the process of being forgiven and set free. I am currently a pre-med student and hope to become an obstetrician/gynecologist and help bring babies into this world. Likewise, I would like to help women in my situation make the right choice. My dream is to become a physician for life.

From Priests for Life

 

 

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I had an abortion because…well there were so many pressing reasons. I was in Nursing School, living on my own, working weekends, attending school with a long commute and hours of homework resulting in 18-hour days and night shift work on the weekends. I grew up in poverty and securing an education and profession was my only way out.

I had very little financial resources… some days not eating all day while student nurses had a warm breakfast, lunch and dinner at the hospital cafeteria….I had to choose between bus fare to get to and from school and food.

Early in the pregnancy I had terrible morning sickness which lasted all day. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t work. I wanted to sleep all the time. It seemed to go on for weeks, months, a long time. I had to make a choice….to give up school or have an abortion. I couldn’t continue.

My boyfriend, who later became my husband, was the same coward then that he is now. He did not stand by me, he did not honor me as the mother of his child, he didn’t care about the baby or me; he only cared about carnal pleasures and I was the piece of flesh that he used for his sexual desires. He was a grammar school teacher at a Catholic school.

He went to school the day of my abortion. I went alone. I entered the abortion clinic filled with fear and ambivalence. I look back and recall…no one talked in the waiting room, no one made eye contact, and our heads were all looking down…doom and despair. There was a couple sitting next to me. She was wearing beautiful clothing, a big diamond ring; her husband was dressed well also, looking affluent. They were reaffirming their decision to ‘not have any more kids….just couldn’t afford it.’ I remember thinking, Oh my God, I have nothing and you have everything…why? I guess I was judging that couple. I didn’t realize it then.

During the abortion procedure, I was a sleep, anesthetized, it was painless…but only for that brief time, because, the pain would come, every day, every moment some days, and it would follow me like a shadow every day of my life.

Immediately after the abortion, I felt a great sense of relief, like a burden had been lifted. The morning sickness was gone, the extreme tiredness had waned and I was back to my old self. As time went on I felt empty, sad, angry, depressed, filled with regret and separation from God. I finally was able to lay my abortion at the feet of Our Savior, Jesus Christ with the help of a tender, loving Catholic priest, Father Curley, a Project Rachael priest as part of the Project Rachael Ministry. It has been 36 years since my abortion. There has not been a day that I didn’t think about the child that was meant to be….to love and be loved, to live her life, a life that I ended on 3/12/1974.

 

 

 

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It was the first time that I saw my father drunk. He was filled with rage and anger and made it clear that I would no longer be welcome in his home if I had this child.

I spent a day in downtown Seattle in a phone booth looking through a phone book…crying and calling crisis lines, searching for help. No one had a place…a safe haven for me and my child. A few days later I sat in the doctor’s office, she pointed to a chart to show me the size of my baby…no bigger than the tip of a pen she said…very quick and simple procedure.

I hated the morning of my abortion. Everything seemed cold and removed from life. I was in a room with several other girls who also had their mothers with them. One by one we were wheeled into this room and I remember seeing this machine and hearing a loud humming sound. I wanted to leave, but all I could see was my father’s anger.

I went home and cried in my own silence for days. I hated that I couldn’t have had the same option that my birth mother gave me…for I was adopted…and I felt deep confusion over the man that was thankful for my adoption giving him and my mother a child and the father who looked down on me now for the very same situation.

Two lives died that day.

About two years later, I found myself pregnant again with the same boyfriend. We married and our son was born in the early part of 1977. It was through his pregnancy that I really felt the heaviest burden because I knew then that Life was much more than the tip of a pen… and for the first time I wept for the child I lost and not the illusion.

Healing came only after I went into counseling and understood that my child rests and waits for me in the arms of the Lord. Without that vision and belief…I would have relived this nightmare for the rest of my life. I talk as openly as I can about this loss and have tried on several occasions to encourage others to choose life.

Recently I lost a grandchild to this decision. A deep and penetrating sadness has filled our home…we were all planning for this child and supported our daughter with joy in the anticipation of this child’s birth. Without warning, life changed for her and she made the choice to end her child’s life. Now we face a different kind of grief and worry for our daughter when her emotional train wreck hits, because we know it will come. People want to use the word respect as a ploy to convince a woman it is her right to choose…but I believe that the better word is accept and that the word respect should only be used for the living.

 

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I had an abortion because my husband and I were going through difficult times, living separately, and I was raped by a man that I went to lunch with. My husband said that he wanted to make amends with me, but would not raise another man’s child. Reluctantly, I went to the abortion clinic – paid $600- and endured the procedure. The sound of the machine was horrific. It is a large “vacuum” that sucks the life from your body. I bawled the entire time. It didn’t matter to me that the child was the product of a rape – it was MY child- a gift from God. My husband did not share my faith background. He didn’t believe in God. I believe that when you give birth, or are pregnant, you give a part of yourself to that child. A part of me died that day as a result of what I did. I saw a flash of my son’s face when I closed my eyes during the procedure. God revealed it to me. The child would have been a boy, with deep blue eyes and sandy brown hair. I know his face well. I see it almost nightly in my dreams. After the procedure, I felt horrible. My entire body felt like it was dying. It’s a shock to your system to go through something like an abortion, because your system has prepared to be pregnant and, in a moment, you’re telling it not to be. It’s not the same as a miscarriage, which your body can prepare for. I collapsed on the floor of my apartment and was found by my mother-in-law, bleeding and in need of medical attention. She drove me to the hospital. Apparently, a piece of the sac was left in my uterus and caused bleeding and a tear in the uterine wall. It was very serious. I recovered, but still feel the pain of what I did every day.

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