I had an abortion because I thought I wasn’t ready for a child as a college student. I felt if I kept the baby, I wouldn’t be able to finish my schooling. More so, I felt some pressure by my husband to have the abortion considering we were not financially stable.
I recall making an appointment in Atlanta and once we got there, I couldn’t do it and walked out of the clinic. My husband got mad that we drove all the way there and I didn’t go through with it. The second time we made an appointment, it was at another abortion clinic, and once again I walked out after seeing the ultrasound. This caused fighting between my husband and me because he kept saying we needed to do this because we aren’t financially stable. I hated fighting and I felt so alone and like I had no other choice, so I finally scheduled my last appointment. I told the ultrasound tech I didn’t want to see the ultrasound because I knew I would walk out again.
I remember the day I aborted my child very clearly, as if it happened yesterday. I was looking at all the other girls sitting next to me in the waiting room in long gowns. Most of them looked distressed and upset and I remember all of their faces very clearly to this day. Every process in the clinic was just another step to murdering a baby and scarring women. I was the last patient in the waiting room to get an abortion. About a half hour before the nurse called me into the procedure room, I started crying violently and once again wanted to just get up and leave. I felt like I HAD to do this, however, and stayed. I will never forget the procedure room. It was dark and gloomy. I could just tell this was not right. The doctor barely said anything to me and just told me not to move and that it won’t be painful if I stay still. I was crying and shaking because I was so scared and felt so violated. I felt every single stroke of the suction machine and thought, “What am I doing? I’m letting this doctor dismember my child.” I was screaming in pain because it hurt so bad, I wanted to throw up. Moderate period like cramping? I think not. My procedure felt like I was being dismembered too. I kept telling the nurse I feel like I’m gonna faint and she just kept telling me that it will be OK.
Immediately following the procedure, the nurse told me to go to the bathroom and change into my regular clothes and afterward, I laid in the recovery room for a few minutes and then the nurse took my blood pressure, gave me my meds and told me to go home. I felt like I was being rushed out of there because I was the last patient. It didn’t seem like they cared at all.
Immediately after the abortion, I felt empty and forever scarred. I wanted to be alone and felt like no one understood what I just want through. I felt guilt, remorse and shame for killing my child and wanted to die. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want people to judge me. There was no one to talk to and I felt so alone and so empty wishing I could turn back time and put that tiny baby back into my uterus. As time went on after the abortion, I found out I had an infection and some remaining tissue in my uterus I also later found out that the doctor who performed the abortion had two malpractice settlements. I just hoped that I will be able to have kids in the future.
Emotionally, I felt like this was my punishment for undergoing an abortion. I think about this child every day and cry every day.
There won’t be a day that I won’t think about my aborted baby. It’s something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I hope no woman has to go through what I went through. I found help and forgiveness through meeting with this wonderful lady, Melissa Howard for post abortion counseling. I’m actually still in the process of being forgiven and set free. I am currently a pre-med student and hope to become an obstetrician/gynecologist and help bring babies into this world. Likewise, I would like to help women in my situation make the right choice. My dream is to become a physician for life.
From Priests for Life
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