Former Clinic Worker Carol Everett

Carol Everett with the administrator of four abortion clinics and the owner of two. After becoming pro-life and leaving the abortion business, she speaks about her experiences. This is the testimony she gave at the Meet the Abortion Providers Conference in 1993 sponsored by the Pro-Life Action League

“Thank you all for coming. In 1973, when abortion was legalized, I was married, had an 8 year-old daughter and a 10 year-old son. Two weeks later, with abortion very much in the news and everywhere we turned we were still talking about abortion, I found myself pregnant. When I told my husband, I was excited. But his initial reaction was, you’ll just have to have an abortion. Because I really didn’t want to deal with that with him, I decided I’d look for someone to help me. I went to my friend, my doctor, and cried out to him, and said, “Harvey, Tom doesn’t want me to have this baby.” And he said, “Oh, that’s easy, we’ll bring Tom’s urine in, the test will be negative, we’ll do the abortion in the hospital, and your insurance will pay for it”.

What I’m telling you is that this man offered to do an illegal abortion in the State of Texas and, yes, indeed, we did it. I was looking for someone to tell me not to have the abortion and I ran into an abortion salesman. And that’s what happens in our nation today. We’re going to talk a lot more about that, but let’s go back to my story and what happened to me.

When I woke from that abortion, I picked up the telephone, and literally started working from my hospital bed, not realizing that I was already running from that decision. Within a month I was having an affair, and that had not been one of my patterns prior to that time. Very soon I started drinking; I’d not ever drunk in my life and I would go out and just get drunk once a month. It was almost like on target; once a month I had to do it. Very soon I asked my husband to leave, and then I started seeing a psychiatrist daily.

At the rate of $125.00 an hour, I could not go on with this very long. So I decided to do what I called, “get hold of myself.” I changed everything I could in my life, except my children. I got away from the job I’d had; got away from my husband, and decided I would make it on my own. What I’m telling you is the story about how my life went along at a pretty good level for a while, and the moment I had that abortion, it went straight downhill. And I think that’s what happens to every woman who has an abortion.

One of the things that I want to impress upon you today is, yes, we do have to save the babies; they’re important. But we’re saving the mother, and, yes, we’re saving the father. My ex-husband has been in counseling all this year trying to deal with this abortion. And we’re saving all those family units in our entire nation. We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us.

When I did get hold of myself, I went to work for a nice Catholic man who had a medical supply business. At about this time abortion became legal in the State of Texas, and very soon we had an account on-line that was very profitable for us. We were making over $1,000 a month profit out of this account. So he decided that he wanted to look into it to see exactly what sort of business they were, and yes, indeed, they were an abortion clinic. So this great Catholic man who told me he never wanted to see an abortion, never wanted to know what an abortion really was, opened his first abortion clinic, and soon he had four. All this time he kept inviting me to join. He kept saying, come over and do this, come over and do that; if you’ll go out and sell abortions for me, I’ll pay you $10 an abortion, and on and on and on. I kept selling medical supplies, and finally the day came when I needed to make more money, and I went in and said, hey, I’m quitting my job; I want to go with another company. And he said, give me some time; let me come up with something. So, he got me on the fringe of the abortion industry by asking me to go out and set up referral clinics all over Texas, Oklahoma and Louisiana. And I did that for a while and it was quite profitable. Then one day the call came: Come into the clinic; I need you to work in here for a month.

seven week unborn baby

When I got in the clinic I had to decide whether to get involved in the abortions over here (and I am a scrub tech, so I have been involved in the medical industry for a long time), or if I was going to get involved with the numbers. And since I had that option, I got involved with the numbers. With just a very few small changes, his abortions went from 190-195 per month to over 400 per month. So then he sent me to another clinic. I went to his Fort Worth clinic, and yes, we were soon doubling his abortions over there. The last month I was with him in those two clinics (by then he had split with his partner), he was doing something over 800 abortions a month.

I went in and said, hey, look, I’ve doubled your business, come on, give me an equity interest in the business. And he politely said no, and I politely scheduled my hysterectomy, the kids teeth being fixed, everything his insurance would pay for, and, by the way, I placed my Yellow Page ad to come out in six months for my own abortion clinic. We opened and the first month we did 45; 65; 85, and the last month I was there, with two clinics functioning in the Dallas area, we did over 500 abortions a month in that clinic. I was compensated at the rate of $25.00 per case, plus one-third of the clinic’s, so you can imagine what my motivation was. I sold abortions. I had made $150,000; was on target in 1983 to make about $260,000; and when we opened our five clinics, I would have been taking home about a million dollars a year. I expected to make more than that after we were really functioning.

All of this sounds neat. I had two kids in college, and I was alone and I was making plenty of money. But that money went absolutely nowhere. Taking home that much money a month, I literally couldn’t even pay my utilities… That money literally ran through my fingers so that my motivation was to do more abortions to make more money, and on and on and on.

….

Now what I do is just go around and tell people the truth about what really happens inside one of the abortion mills. There are all sorts of experiences with the abortion. I want to walk you through my experiences in an abortion clinic.

Let’s just step back. How many of you have children 14 and under? How many of you have seen a number, unsolicited, that you think you could call that said, “Problem Pregnancy,” “Abortion Information,” or “Pregnant?” in your area where you think you could call for abortion information? Let’s talk about those kids when they find out that they are pregnant. They may not want an abortion; they may want information. But when they call that number that’s paid for by abortion money, what kind of information do you think they’re going to get? Let’s remember, they sell abortions. They don’t sell keeping the baby. They don’t sell giving the baby up for adoption. They don’t sell delivering that baby in any form. They only sell abortions.

In the State of Texas, a girl can come in to have an abortion, and the abortion clinics are not required to have parental consent. Most of the abortion clinics in Texas do require it for 14 and under. However, let’s paint this picture: The girl comes in, has an abortion, she can sign for it. But when the doctor rips her uterus out and they take her to the hospital, they won’t admit her until her parents get there and are told she had this abortion without their consent. And they will not repair the damage or try to save her life until the parents sign on the dotted line. And that happens. It’s terrible.

So the girl calls this number and says, I’m pregnant. How far along are you? What’s the first day of your last normal period? They’ve got their wheel there and they figure it out. This counselor is paid to be this girl’s friend. She is paid to be the authority for this girl. She is supposed to seduce her into a friendship of sorts to sell her the abortion. Every problem this girl has: I don’t want to tell my parents. You don’t have to tell your parents. They don’t have to know. You’re old enough to come in and have it without them knowing. And then the money, and they ask them to go get their money and pay the people back in a year.

6 to 7 weeks

Then the two questions they ask are: Does it hurt? Oh, no. Your uterus is a muscle, and they hold their hand up if they’re seeing them; if not, they tell them over the phone: It’s a cramp to open it; a cramp to close it; it’s a slight cramping sensation. Everybody’s had cramps; every woman in the world. So they think that’s no problem. I can stand that; I’ve been through it before. And then they say: Is it a baby? No, it’s a product of conception; it’s a blood clot; it’s a piece of tissue. They don’t even really tell them it’s a fetus, because, you see, that almost humanizes it too much. It’s never a baby. They can’t admit it themselves when they go in the back and have little 6-week fetuses, babies that they put down disposals, and that’s how we did it in our clinic. The clinics in Dallas use disposals so none of those crazy Pro-Lifers will come and get them out of the trash anymore and bury them the way they did. So, they lie to her. You know, if you look at abortion from the face, I cannot tell you one thing that happens in an abortion clinic that is not a lie. They tell the counselors, and I told the counselors, not to rock the boat; not to answer any questions that they didn’t ask. Get them in here; the faster you can get them in here, the easier it is on them. You concentrate on the woman; you tell them to help her, and you don’t deal with the baby at all.

So they get this girl to come in the clinic, and many times they just get her to come in for a pregnancy test, and if that’s the case then they greet her at the door and they say, Oh, Linda, I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve been waiting for you. This girl doesn’t know they have an appointment book and each counselor has to schedule their appointments an hour apart so she has plenty of time to spend being their “friend” while they’re there. She takes them back; she does the pregnancy test; it doesn’t really matter. If there’s any way they can convince this girl she’s pregnant, she’s going to be pregnant. But they go through this test anyway. She tells her she’s pregnant, and the girl might cry. She may get upset. But they take her into a separate room; they don’t want anyone to see anyone crying in there; it’s supposed to be a great place; we’re supposed to help people in the abortion clinic.

If she has the abortion that day, she goes through one procedure, but if she comes back another day, she just comes in the front door, fills out some forms (very minimal information). Most of the information on that form is name, address, telephone number, and your financial status. So they can find out to what group they need to appeal with their $250,000 per clinic Yellow Page budget.

Then the girl goes back, has some lab work, and then she pays, up-front, for what they have decided the term of pregnancy she is. Cash, Master Card, or Visa–get a Master Card, Visa or American Express. You might consider sending them back because they do charge for abortions, and tell them why you’re sending them back. They will accept those charges. Then the girl goes into this room for counseling and they give her a 6 to 12-page form. This form is written by an abortion attorney. Ours was written by one out of New York, and it was written to confuse the girl to death. It had every possible complication of an abortion you could imagine, and it would take [a doctor] two hours with a medical dictionary to go through it. Words two inches long that no one could possibly understand, and it does its job. It confuses her and she doesn’t ask any questions. She goes back to the two questions: Does it hurt? Is it a baby? And when you have convinced her again and lied to her again that no, it’s not going to hurt, and if she doesn’t have her money–in the State of Texas you have to pay extra to be put to sleep–it’s an extra $100 to $250, depending on how far you are into the pregnancy.

Then she goes into this holding room, waiting for the abortion. And it depends on the day of the week, of course, as to how many people are in there. Saturday is the big day, but it could be a day in the week when there are only five or six people in there waiting. And soon, if there are 30 or 40, especially, they kind of number each other so they know what order they are going to be going out in. They kind of laugh and joke. And if there is one crying in there, you get that one out. You don’t want that one affecting the rest of them.

She is taken back to the procedure room, put on the table, and draped. Her chart is put in the door. Each chart in our clinics was handled with a little coupon on the front. The coupon was for the doctor, because when he walks up to that door for the first time–if you have two or three doctors working, you don’t know which one is going to do the abortion–so, they don’t collect the doctor’s money with the clinic money, they collect it separately and do not show it on any of the records in those clinics. In the four clinics I’ve been in and worked in, they never showed that they collected the doctor’s money at any place. That way, they are independent contractors; you don’t have to be concerned with their malpractice insurance, and you don’t have to report it to IRS. He collects the coupon, puts it in his scrub suit pocket. At the end of the day he goes up and presents his coupons. This is how many I’ve done. And each doctor presents them separately. The girl counts the coupons, figures out how much she owes him, and pays him in cash.

As I said earlier, I have seen doctors walk out after three hours work and split $4,500 between them on a Saturday morning. More, if you go longer into the day, of course. The doctor walks in, sees the patient for the very first time, pats her on the leg, says, Hi, baby, how are you? You call them “baby” so you don’t have to remember their name. And she says, Oh, I’m scared, or, I’m cold. Never anything positive. And he doesn’t really ask her any questions. It’s just get the abortion done. If he discovers that she may be farther along than anyone thought she was, they stop right there, collect the money, and then finish the procedure. If abortion is such a good thing, why don’t they give them away? If abortion is such a good thing, why don’t they go ahead and do the abortion then, and trust you to pay the extra $200 when they’re finished? That’s not the way it is. I’ve never been able to come up with the words to describe the abortion procedure, because, you see, you’re educating people about abortion. You know more about it than the average person. However, no matter how bad you think abortion is, there are no words to describe how bad it really is. It kills the baby. And, yes, I’ve seen sonograms with the baby pulling away from the instruments that are introduced into the vagina. And the woman, the mother, is hurt if she doesn’t have the extra money to be put to sleep, and I’ve seen D&Es through 32 weeks done without the mother being put to sleep.

28 weeks – a month earlier than the latest abortions done a Carol Everett’s clinics

And, yes, they hurt, and they are very painful to the baby. But, yes, they are very, very painful to the woman. I’ve seen six people hold a woman on the table while they did her abortion.

But, they have the abortion and they go to the recovery room, and then there are two reactions in the recovery room. The first one is: I’ve killed my baby. And even then, it amazed me that that was the first time they called it a baby and the first time they called it murder. But, you know, as bad as that sounds, that’s probably the healthiest reaction. That woman is probably going to have the ability to walk out of there and deal with it, and perhaps be healed and go on.

early first trimester

And now, in Europe, where they’ve had abortions for much, much longer than we have, there are some authorities in the Netherlands who are alluding to a spiritual healing that women have to go through before they can completely deal with their abortion. So they’re getting closer day by day by day. But the second reaction is: I am hungry, you kept me in here for four hours and you told me I’d only be here for two; let me out of here. Now that woman is doing what I did. She’s running from her abortion. She’s not dealing with it; she’s choosing to deny it, and she’s the woman that we read all the statistics about, post-abortion syndrome. They say now it’s an average of five years before people actually deal with the fact that, yes, they did kill their baby. And yes, they do have to deal with that. You know, I go back to my own personal healing, which just started a year ago. I was making deals with God. I didn’t want to talk about my own abortion. Then when I finally did deal with it, I cried nonstop for five months because, you see, I killed my baby, and I’m still not through that. And how difficult it is for all these women because, you see, I believe that every woman, even if she’s not physically harmed, is harmed by abortion.

Then what the recovery room personnel do is resell it. They resell them on their next abortion. They don’t say, hey, I’m reselling you so you’ll go out and get pregnant and come back. But they make subtle innuendos that say, you know, this isn’t going to happen again, but, you know we’re always here. And when you leave here you’re going to have a couple of days when you won’t feel so good. You’ll have a couple of days of depression, and that’s just your hormones realigning, and everyone who has a baby has postpartum depression, and don’t worry about it. And there they are encouraging them to suppress their feelings about that abortion.

So they go through this whole gamut of reselling abortion, encouraging suppression, and say, call us if you have a problem. And the girls leave, and they do have problems. The girls that walk out of there, though, are the lucky ones. We were seeing over 500 abortions per month; we were doing the only one-day second or third trimester abortion in the state of Texas. (We didn’t call it third; we called it second.) Meaning that we didn’t use the laminaria. We did all the dilation on that day, and that’s why we were seeing such a tremendous number of complications. We saw complications in the second and third trimester, but we were seeing one per 500 abortions for over a year. Yes, we had a death. A 32 year-old woman with a 17 year-old son and a 2 year-old son. Never made the papers. Her boyfriend felt guilty for his part in the abortion and he didn’t want to deal with it. Her family thought, yes, she had probably had an abortion, but they didn’t want to deal with it. It never came out. No lawsuit.

The 21-year-old that danced in, and I’ll never forget her for as long as I live. She was my son’s age. Danced in to get her “problem” taken care of. Had the extra money to be put to sleep. And you see, my job with two of those doctors was to put my right hand on the baby and hold it while they did the abortion so I could tell them where the head was and where the legs were, and all of that. And I had my hand on that woman’s stomach, and that baby was perfectly inside her uterus; she had been examined by the doctor; and he said, yes, the baby was inside her uterus and everything was fine and she was 24-weeks. And he went in one time, and he pulled out placenta, and he went in the second time and he went through the back of her uterus and pulled her bowel out through her vagina. We put her in the car because we didn’t want an ambulance in front of the abortion clinic and we took her to the hospital. Seven doctors worked on her and they did a colostomy on her. When the reports came back, they said that it was an abdominal pregnancy that had not been in the uterus, and seven doctors and a pathologist concurred with that, and then the hospital wrote off her bill, and there was no lawsuit, ever. She was told that had been a normal complication; it was just amazing that she’d made it that long. And she didn’t know any better. And then the girl that the doctors decided had a fibroid tumor at the back of her uterus. That’s a highly common tumor that’s very rarely malignant. And the two doctors decided they were just going to pull this out after she had her abortion, and they didn’t know they were pulling on the back of her uterus, and they pulled the uterus out wrong-side-out of a 21- year-old; she had a hysterectomy.

Those are the ones that I remember. Those are the ones that bother me. Those are the ones that I have to go through and deal with and be healed of constantly. Because, you see, it was like the mothers were presenting their babies to be killed. And it was okay to kill 500 babies a month. But when we started killing or maiming a mother for each 500 babies, even I couldn’t handle that.

12 weeks

There are two problems that are going on that we might be able to do something with, too. That is, that abortion clinics, if they have someone that does present themselves thinking they’re pregnant and of course the test show they’re not; that they’re going to sell that abortion to that non-pregnant woman. And every time that you are standing in front of an abortion clinic, you are holding a light on inside that clinic. You are holding those people accountable and that day they are less likely to do the woman who is not pregnant because they’re scared of you. They think these crazy Pro-Lifers are going to run in, chain themselves to the table. We had seven locks or something from the front door to the back. They are less likely to do that woman who is too far along that day too, because, you see, when the babies are so big they don’t come apart like the others. Their muscle structure is strong that the heads come off from the body, and you can’t dispose of those in the disposal. You have to put those in the trash. And we used to take ours over to opposition abortion clinics’ trash and hope they’d be found there.

second trimester

But every time you’re in front, you’re holding that light on. They slow down. An abortionist who brags and thinks he can do eight to ten, maybe even twelve abortions an hour, with a picketer in front of him, will slow down. Do four, six, three, something–but he’ll slow down. He’s afraid of you.

If there is good medical care inside an abortuary, the day you’re standing out there is the day it happens. And you asked me how I feel about what you do? First of all, in Dallas, Texas, we have a guy named Winston Wilder, and thank you, Lord, for Winston. When I finally got over the right side… That’s another thing, you don’t see the defectors from the Pro-Life side to the abortion side, did you ever notice that? The defection’s this way, and there are a lot of them. Winston and I sat down and I gave him all the names, addresses, telephone numbers, business offices (because many times their partners do not even know they do abortions). We had one guy called in from the Bahamas because they suddenly started picketing his office, and his partner didn’t know he did abortions in the clinics. At their private homes, many times their wives do not know they do abortions. Many times their mother-in-law doesn’t know they’re doing abortions. Many times the maid doesn’t know they’re doing abortions. Their neighbors, of course, rarely know. But that’s the most effective thing.

Picket them where they live. The clinics, yes, because it is my firm conviction that every day abortion is done and we’re not standing in front of the abortion clinic, that we are held accountable. We must be there doing what they say that we should do.”

Also from Carol Everett:

Q.: did you operate the clinic seven days a week?

A.: yes. Sunday was our most profitable day. Most women want to get in and get out quickly. They know abortion is wrong, especially on Sunday, so they hurried through. Women don’t ask questions on Sunday. You can work with a skeleton staff because the women who come in for an abortion on Sunday mean business. We would do 15 to 20 (abortions) on Sunday in 2 to 3 hours! While everybody else was at church, we were doing abortions!”

Q.: was there any follow-up counseling?

A.: we told them that it would be available, however, we used some techniques in the recovery room to discourage further contact except for future abortions. We told them, ” in about 7 to 10 days you are going to feel depressed for a couple of days. Don’t worry about that. When a woman has a baby, she has a couple of days of postpartum depression. You will have that, too. It’s just your body figuring out that you are not pregnant, and your hormones are realigning.” So when the woman starts to deal with the reality that ” I killed my baby”, she thinks it is normal because of the hormone activity. She is encouraged repress these natural feelings. Yet, a 13-year-old girl came in for a two-week checkup. The checkup is not as much to check them, as it is to make sure you didn’t miss a pregnancy. She didn’t come out of the room for a long period of time. She was slitting her wrists.

From “what I saw in the abortion industry” by Carol Everett Easton publishing company 1988 (pamphlet)

Please also visit the Pro-Life Action League’s abortion providers page for more info. 

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Woman Aborted by Dr. James Pendergraft Feels Loss And Sadness

This week has been a complete hell.

Someone asked if I had heard about the doctor in Orlando who has been in a lot of trouble, and when I searched for news about it, I realized it was James Pendergraft, the doctor who did my abortions.

He has now had his medical license suspended for the FOURTH time, this time for performing late-term abortions past the time when they are legal.

When I saw a picture of the clinic, I crumbled. When I saw a picture of the doctor, I began weeping and I couldn’t stop.

Every sight, every sound, every feeling came back. I can still remember the poster on the ceiling. It was the last thing I saw before I fell asleep from the anesthesia, and the first thing I saw when I woke up.

The article was full of stories about women like me…ones who have suffered for months, even years, because of incomplete abortions.

There was a woman who was awake and saw her baby being pulled from her as his body fell apart in the doctor’s hands. They had her frantic 911 call as she decided she wanted the baby to live after seeing that it actually IS a baby, but no one at the clinic would help. By the time the ambulance arrived, the baby was dead.

It’s an uncomfortable subject…because if I call it a baby, if I admit that it was a boy or a girl who had 10 fingers and 10 toes and a life that was already mapped out by God, then I am calling myself a killer. If I talk about it, blog about it, pray about it, then that makes it real.

But just when I think I’ve pushed the memories far enough behind that they won’t catch up with me, there they are again.

The self-hatred is paralyzing. It lurks closely and tells me that I don’t deserve happiness. The guilt is suffocating. It has affected every relationship I have. I can’t trust or attempt intimacy.

I would take a bullet for my out-of-the-womb children. Why didn’t I protect the ones inside?

I have given up hope that the past could have been different. I cannot change what I did. Every Bible study, counseling session, and prayer seems to just be a band-aid over a wound that will NEVER heal.

So, I will be a voice for my children who only know heaven. I will be a voice for the millions of women who live in regret, guilt, self-hatred and fear of being “found out”. I will be painfully honest about every feeling I have, and I will stand up for life even when it’s unpopular and politically incorrect. So, please spare me your pro-life/pro-choice arguments. I know what I saw. I know how I feel. I will NEVER be the same. I will NEVER get over it.

And if I don’t take this pain and make it my purpose, I think it might kill me.

 

 

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Woman Haunted by Her Abortion for Years

Christie writes her testimony as a letter to another woman considering an abortion.

Hello from a fellow Texan! I want to make this short, but it may not turn out that way. Someone who cares very deeply for you asked me to write this letter to you so here goes:

You are so blessed to have been raised in a loving family and in a church and taught right from wrong; I hope you know that first and far most. Here is my story.

I was raised in a very large family nine children in all and we pretty much had no rules and no responsibility growing up. I could do whatever I wanted as a teen and my parents never showed me love, so I went looking for it. (In all the wrong places) I thought guys liked me back then, but now looking back, I know they just thought I was “easy.”

At 16 years of age I was running around with multiple guys thinking I was getting “love” from them. All I got was an unwanted pregnancy. I couldn’t tell my mother so I told my sister- of course she told my mom. The first one-on-one conversation I ever had with my mother was the day she confronted me.

It was one of the best (I thought) days of my life. She said I would have an abortion. I was so happy! I wouldn’t be fat, I wouldn’t bear the shame, and no one would know what I did so off to the abortion clinic we went

I think I was 12 weeks pregnant when this happened and the nurse gave me a sonogram and told me is wasn’t a “baby” yet just a blob of tissue. So my mom signed some papers and off to the “room.” I won’t go into the gory details of the procedure, but it was probably worse than being raped by a stranger.

I was laying there with some poster on the ceiling with a calm ocean scene. As he started the machine all I could think of was this is wrong! This is wrong! This is wrong!

As he started the procedure, I wanted to change my mind but it was too late. The doctor began to remove the “tissue” from my body. The pain in my abdomen was more than I could bear and lasted about 45 minutes. The very sound of what I heard that day still haunts me. He finished and said it was over. I lay there five minutes because I had been in such pain and was glad it was over. I got up and began to dress. I was bleeding very badly. I wasn’t up two minutes and the nausea started. I spent three hours throwing up and you can’t eat or drink anything the night before or that morning, so it was that really dry throw-up that chokes you because there is nothing to throw up… I went home and slept because I was so tired from the procedure and throwing up so long.

Fast forward 20 years… I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior…I begin to read my Bible daily… I get to Jeremiah 1:4&5. The word of the lord talking to Jeremiah

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”

“Before you were born I set you apart”

I dropped my Bible on the floor… I was shocked at what I read. I began to weep profusely, The worst cry I have ever had in my entire life. God opened my eyes to what I had done. I had taken one of his creations and allowed a doctor to vacuum that beautiful creation out of my body and throw into the garbage.

I was totally depressed for years. I knew God had forgiven me, but my guilt and shame was too much to bear. So I started self medication to escape the pain. Drinking drugs you name it I did it all. I should have died. I was waking up in strange places, not remembering how I got home, not remembering driving home. Etc.

Fast forward 10 years- I have children of my own and am enjoying my life but every time I look at them I can’t help but wonder what could have been. I look at an empty dining room chair and I think of that child so many situations make me think of that day. It is forever haunting still after 20 years.

I am now going on 47 years of age and my kids are almost grown. TO THIS DAY THAT ABORTION HAUNTS ME. I have dreams about it I hate myself for it. I regret it. I wonder what he or she would have looked like- Every Birthday one of my kids have I wonder how old that child I killed would be. How could I have done it? Why didn’t someone warn me? Babies are fully formed in just a few weeks. If they had told me that my abortion would cause depression, anxiety, guilt, sleeplessness, endless guilt, drunkenness, sadness, regret, shame, remorse. I never would have done it.

I know God put me in touch with you for just this reason. Please don’t make the mistake I made. You will regret it for the rest of your life. There are so many of us that we even have groups we belong to and wear t-shirts saying “I regret my abortion” when we go to pro life rallies.

I know you are surrounded by people who will support you and I never had that my mom made me. Please take a good look around you and count your blessings. I pray that my letter will help open your eyes to a different view on what you may choose to do, but remember we have consequences to our actions.

God Bless

From Priests for Life.

Note: Religious beliefs expressed in testimonies are not necessarily endorsed by site owner

 

 

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Postabortion Woman: “40 Years and I Still Cry”

I had an abortion because if my father knew he would have killed me. Forty years and I still cry. And I have three children, but hurt and miss my first baby that I really wanted.

During the procedure, I was very mentally upset and actually felt nothing. I was not aware of what I was really doing since I felt that it was OK since it was only a few weeks since I missed my period. I went to Catholic grammar and high school and was never taught about the life I was carrying. I was never told in high school, a very good high school in New York City that was from St. Patrick Cathedral, about abortion and how it could make you hurt forever.

I can only say that no matter how many more children you have, the one you killed is on your mind and heart the most every day and forever – only you don’t have the love of the child and you don’t have the ability to give the child love.

From Priests for Life.

 

 

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Lack of Support Leads to Abortion She Regrets

This abortion wasn’t even my decision at all. My mom was never there for me, my whole life. I knew she was going to freak out and call me names, and demean me. But I could deal with that. I always have, and that made me want to strive even harder to keep my Angel and be successful doing it. She was no problem to deal with, just another obstacle. Just someone I had to prove wrong. But she beat me. She was right.

But, my grandma…she hurt me. With all the pain and disappointment in her eyes every time I looked at her. She was there for me throughout the whole thing, whether I kept the baby or not I knew she was going to be there. She just wanted the best for me. “You need to get an abortion. It’s only a one-day thing.” That abortion was not just a one-day thing. It’s still hurting me, every second of the day. But I think I need to be sad, it’s okay to be sad. I lost my baby and anyone would be sad because of that. She just wanted to help me; she wanted what was best for me.

But in the back of my mind I always remember I could have kept that baby and she would have been there for me. Why didn’t I think it through more? I couldn’t live at home. It was mostly my mom’s decision, even though it IS my grandma’s house. But if I did live there during the pregnancy, there would have been constant physical fighting and arguments between my mom and me and there would have been arguments with my mom and grandma about me living there; she’s 74 years old, she didn’t need that. So I understood. She didn’t want me out on the streets, my mom did.

They would have gotten over it. That’s the thing. Once that baby was born, they would have realized a little, that my baby is a part of our family. I know they would have loved him. I don’t know why I didn’t think about that… I don’t know why I didn’t think about a lot of things.

My boyfriend’s parents knew I was pregnant, but barely had ANY involvement during the WHOLE thing. Actually, quite frankly, they did nothing. At the time I thought that my only option was to live there, with my boyfriend. Which made sense, he was the baby’s father and I had nowhere to go. When he told me that his mom said that I couldn’t live with him, I couldn’t believe it. It made no sense to me. I still don’t understand. No one stepped in and said anything. No one did anything. At that time it was all about somewhere to live, and I would have kept my baby. All I needed was somewhere to sleep and be during the pregnancy. I could go home, and eat, pick up food, buy clothes with my grandma, etc. I just needed somewhere to spend my pregnancy.

She’s HIS mom, she let us go upstairs, lock the door and let me sleep over. We are teenagers. A 15-year-old and a 14-year-old, and as teenagers we are obviously very irresponsible. She knew we were having sex. Yet, when I got pregnant, she did nothing, as if she had absolutely nothing to do with it. But I do know that I was the one having sex, making the decision. I was the one who didn’t go to a shelter. I was the one who got pregnant and didn’t protect my baby. I was the one in the end who ended his life, not anyone else. And that pains me even more. It’s so hard to go to school every day knowing that. It’s hard to even wake up in the morning. At night it’s the worst for me. I’ll sit and I’ll hold my baby’s onesy that says, “I love mommy,” I’ll just cry and cry. I miss my baby. I miss feeling of my stomach stretching from the inside; it was the strangest feeling….I miss everything about being pregnant. I miss everything so much. I miss knowing that when only I was in a room, I wasn’t really alone. I would always talk to him and tell him how much I loved him. I told him everything was going to be OK. I lied.

I’m just sad; it’s even hard to breath sometimes you know? I get this weird empty feeling in my chest. It’s so emotionally and physically painful it just makes me feel like I can’t go on anymore sometimes. It’s not like I didn’t know it was going to be like this. I knew it was going to be like this. I knew myself; I knew that something like this, my heart just wouldn’t be able to handle it. But yet I went through with it anyways.

After I had gotten the picture of my baby, my blood taken, and everything else, they called me into the abortion room. I was the last person there. Then the nurse and doctor came in. The doctor was this black guy, and the nurse looked like she was like 16. Which isn’t possible, but she looked like it. I was freaking out, shaking, terrified. They kept asking SO many questions, about dumb things and smiling and laughing like it was nothing. I just wanted them to SHUT UP and get it over with. They had to give me two shots of numbing stuff, and another shot because I was so far along they had to dilate my cervix. Those numbing shots did nothing but hurt. I felt everything. I felt my Angel being sucked out of me, and it hurt so badly. I wanted to cry, I couldn’t breathe. They kept on asking me questions, I guess to take my mind off of what was going on. But I just wanted to cry, and slap them in the face. I was just thinking, “How can you take this baby out of me, and sit there and watch like it’s no big fucking thing.” I remember I kept thinking that, and being in so much pain. I also remember constantly thinking, “Oh my God, my baby is being sucked out of me, with a fucking tube.” That was the worst day and the worst pain of my life. Afterward in the recovery room is when it hit me. I just started crying. Not tears just rolling down, I was BALLING. I was crying my head off.

There was a girl sitting next to me and she went and told this fat nurse that I was crying; the lady didn’t do anything but look at me! I was in so much pain and I just wanted to get out of there. Once I got out, I felt a lot better. Thank God.

From Priests for Life. Used with permission.

 

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“I Had an Abortion Because I Had No Choice”

I had an abortion because I had no choice. My parents were not willing to support a pregnant teenager and felt that by having a baby at 16, I was ruining my life. What they did not realize was that abortion was 1000 times more devastating to me than being a teen mom would have been. I was basically being told that abortion was my only option.

I had been put under during the abortion procedure, so I do not remember the procedure itself – for which I am eternally grateful. I have heard too many stories since then from women who were awake during the procedure and my heart hurts so badly for them. I CAN say that I was extremely depressed beforehand because I wanted my baby so badly. At one point right before the procedure, when I was on the table, I asked the nurse to stop and started crying. She just told me that it would all be over soon and I would be fine.

Immediately afterward, as I was waking up from the anesthetic, I was crying hard. The “nurse” came over and patted my arm and told me I was fine and that my crying was from my anesthetic. I know that was not true because I woke up with a very-burdened heart and regret from the split second I opened my eyes.

As the days and weeks went by, I tried acting normal. I was thankful the pressure from my parents was gone, but depression was setting in because of my abortion so that within four months, I was hospitalized with severe depression. At that point I really did not want to go on and contemplated suicide.

As time went on after the abortion and after being hospitalized for three months and put on anti-depressants, I tried living my life as best I could. For 16 years I lived with PAS (Post Abortion Syndrome) completely unaware of what it was. There was not a day that went by that I did not cry about that abortion and my loss.

I found help and forgiveness by becoming aware of what PAS was and seeking healing through the Forgiven and Set Free Bible study that was recommended to me. It was in that study I learned about not only God’s forgiveness through the cross, but I was finally able to forgive myself. This happened in 2000. I am now Post Abortion Director at my local Pregnancy Resource Center and have taught this same study myself for the past four years (facilitated and co-facilitated for six years total). I give my testimony publicly wherever I am asked and feel led to share.

From Priests for Life

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Postabortion Woman: “I Know What It’s like to Lose a Child”

I became Pro-Life in July 2010, and the reason I became Pro-Life isn’t the greatest, nor am I proud of it. All I know is we all make mistakes and we learn from them. I sure did.In May 2010 I noticed something wasn’t right about my body. I went to the Birth Control Clinic in the London-Middlesex Heath Unit to take a pregnancy test because I knew there could be a chance that I was pregnant. It was confirmed that on May 12, 2010, I was four weeks pregnant. I was so scared and devastated. I couldn’t believe what I heard and I started to cry in front of the doctors who told me this. I told them right away that I was choosing to have an abortion. I called a lot of close people to tell them what I had found out, including the father of the baby.

That night I did not want to be alone, so my younger sister came over to spend the night. On May 13, 2010, I called the Woman’s Health Clinic at Victoria Hospital to book my appointment for an ultrasound. They had to wait until I was six-eight- weeks pregnant. They booked it for June 4, 2010. When that date came I went to the clinic for the ultrasound. I was kind of excited about it.

When I got to see the fetus something in my heart changed. I wanted this baby. They even showed me the babies little heart. I really felt like I wanted to change my mind. But I also was too scared to continue with the pregnancy. So, I let my mom talk me into having an abortion. I did feel like I was taking someone’s life from them.

On June 18, 2010, I was getting the abortion. I felt very scared that morning, because I knew what I was going to do would change my life. My friend and I went to Victoria Hospital at 7a.m. The appointment was at 7:30a.m. When I got there I was led into a room with a lot of people. They gave me a gown and slippers to put on. I was in bed for an hour until they told me to take two white pills. At 8a.m. they put in my IV. I could tell that most of the women there were for abortions. They cried. I asked my friend, “Why am I not crying?” They said it was because I was thinking more about myself; the women crying were thinking more about the baby. Maybe some of them didn’t want an abortion, but got talked into it by a doctor because of pregnancy complications. I felt bad for the women who cried. At 8:30a.m. they took me to another room where they quickly put me to sleep. Before I fell asleep, I remember seeing four doctors with a lot of surgical tools.

I woke up in the recovery room feeling like it never even happened. But I knew it did. I killed my baby. I told myself wow, it is now done. At the time I didn’t know a lot about the procedure. I felt so depressed after getting it done because the feeling of not being pregnant anymore really struck me. It was like I missed it. I now know what it’s like to lose a child.

At the end of June, almost a week after the abortion I fell into a really bad depression, to the point where I needed someone to talk to. I went to my pastor for help and it did help. I believe that all aborted babies go to heaven. God knew them before He formed them in the womb. I even named my baby Kacey. It’s a boy’s and girl’s name. I was 11 weeks pregnant when I let my baby go to heaven.

From Priests for Life. Used with permission.

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“If I Could Take Back Any One Thing I’ve Ever Done, It Would Be the Abortion”

I had an abortion because I had an extramarital affair. I had three other children at the time with my husband. I felt pressure from both the father of the child and my husband to abort the child.

During the abortion procedure, I experienced a lot of emotional loss and pain. Afterward it was even worse. I cried harder for the baby than I ever cried for anyone I’ve ever lost. It was a death of the closest family member and someone I loved with all my heart.

The pain has continued to this day, three years later. If I could take back one thing I’ve ever done, it would be the abortion. I can’t ever take it back. I have to live with this loss and pain of knowing that I caused this for the rest of my life.

I have found help and forgiveness through my faith in God and understanding of his forgiveness and also help in confiding to my sister and looking to her for understanding and guidance. This is a mistake I will never make again and shortly afterward I tied my tubes because I if I ever get pregnant again this will never be an option, no matter what the circumstances. Babies are innocent and they don’t deserve this. I love my baby and I always will. I pray for forgiveness daily.

From Priests for Life. Used with permission.

 

 

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Woman Suffers Years of Grief after her Abortions

I was an abused person; an abused young wife, physically, emotionally and I felt alone. I was working two jobs, trying to get a divorce from my abusive husband. I had two small children; we lived in several different dumps, we had been robbed and I had been raped several times.

That night before I made my decision, after talking to a counselor at the pregnancy clinic, I had taken the night off from work, we had just moved into yet another dump, and for the very first time in my entire life, I stole something. I had no money, my two little boys were crying and hungry; every penny went into moving. So I took them, carrying one on each side of my body, through the icy snow, five blocks down the street to a small restaurant. I didn’t order anything for myself, only for my two children. I wrote an apology note, an “IOU” so-to-speak; bundled them back up and left the place without paying for their meals. We returned to our tiny studio apartment, I lay on the floor under them next to the couch in case they rolled or fell off in the night and cried all night long. I was already ashamed of my choices thus far and I was only 20 years old, with two little boys that I loved with all my heart. I still love the baby that I killed, but I did it twice after that.

At the time, each time, the circumstances seemed so grim and I felt doomed already. I have no excuse and I have asked God for forgiveness, but I’m not sure I deserve it anyways. Don’t worry. I have suffered not only mentally, but physically as well. I am confined to a wheelchair and a bed most of the time. I am in worse financial condition than I was back then. I have almost died, at least 10 times since then, but I can’t die, until my punishment and agony is finished. I have even tried two kill myself, unsuccessfully, as you can see.

I went to my church and confessed my many sins. No matter how grim my situation seemed, or how much I “THOUGHT” I was saving my unborn children a worse fate, or thinking that I was also saving my already born children from a chance of starvation, it was not my right. It has driven me beyond where the human mind, spirit or soul should ever go. If I could do it over again, of course I would do it differently. But that devil preys on the weak-minded, brokenhearted, terrified girls who are alone and afraid. I would not recommend it to anyone.

I tried to stop my best friend, but she insisted. I tried to tell her about what I went through, but she said, “Please don’t tell me about it. I have full-blown AIDS; I can NOT have this baby.” So, I drove her home in her car afterward. I prayed for her. I actually pray constantly now for everyone, but myself.

 

 

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Teenager Still Mourns the Loss of Her Daughter

I would like to share my story about my abortion. I am 18 years old and I honestly say I regret having the abortion and I would do anything in the world to just go back to that day and change what happened. Unfortunately, I can’t so I would like to share my story and hopefully some young girl who is pregnant and unsure of what to do will read this story.

I had been seeing a guy who was four years older than me for about a year, when I found out I was pregnant. Being only 16 years old I was so scared and had no idea what to do. I told him and he convinced me to have an abortion. Because I looked up to him, I listened to him and thought that he knew best, when really deep down I knew I was making the wrong decision. My heart wanted to keep my baby, and even when I was at the abortion clinic I still knew I was making the wrong decision but for some reason because I was so scared and afraid of what every one else like my parents, family, friends would think I went along with it. I am a good student and have received top marks at school so I did care what people thought of me and I had pressure on me to succeed in life, go well in the HSC, go to university, get a good job, get married and then have children. This is the type of world I had been bought up in that was meant to be ideal.

He came with my when I got the abortion and he held my hand and was with me all the time. Afterwards though, we didn’t speak about it and I guess we tried to pretend it didn’t happen. It was like oh it happened that was bad but it’s over now so move on. That was his attitude. I on the other hand felt so hurt and broken and all I wanted was for him to be there for me. We were both young and didn’t know how to deal with the situation, even today it is hard to talk about it with him. It wasn’t for 9 months that I suddenly cracked it and I could not stop crying. I was so depressed and just wanted to kill myself. I didn’t have the energy to do anything: to complete my HSC was the hardest thing because I was sad and wanted to cry and let my emotions out, but knew I had to stay focused and go well. I knew that if I didn’t go well in the HSC … I mean get above 90%, then I would feel like a complete failure and that the hurt and pain I was going through because of the abortion wasn’t worth it. After all I had the abortion so that I could enjoy being young and really get somewhere in life. I do not believe this at all now. This was the most stupid reason to have an abortion.

Our relationship suffered, and it turned into just sex. We would see each other and just have sex. We would never talk and if we did try to talk about the abortion again I would shut him down because it hurt me so much. I felt like he didn’t care and was never there for me even though he promised me he would be and reassured me at the time. I got so angry at him, which is why our relationship turned into just sex. I treated him like that’s all I wanted him for and I know I ended up hurting him so much, only because I was hurting so much inside and I had lost my trust in him. He said he would be there for me, and then I couldn’t talk to him, so that’s why I felt to hurt. He would shut me down too and said some pretty harsh comments but I know that’s because he didn’t know how to deal with it either.

He split up with me the other day but we both realized how messed up our relationship was. He has a new girlfriend now, but I don’t blame him because I messed him around so much. I am very hurt though. I love him still so much, and I just want to be with him, because I have a connection to him because he was the father of my child. I am going to get counselling because I know I can’t handle the abortion still. It’s almost 2 years ago now. He did say Happy Mothers Day to me this year though, which I thought was so cute and it made me happy. I would love to end up with him one day and have children with him because that is how much he means to me. I accept that he has a new girlfriend now but it still hurts me. I am glad in a way that he broke it off with me because it has made me realize that I need help to deal with the abortion so that I can have healthy relationships in the future and in the long run it is just going to make our relationship stronger because I can now talk to him a lot easier. Instead of denying my feelings of hurt and sadness and regret, I am now ready to talk to him about it. We are still close friends too, so I haven’t lost him completely and who knows what will happen in the future. At least now I can talk to him. Well, I guess that forms the basis of a relationship in the first place.

Just some advice to anyone thinking about having an abortion. Please make sure that you think about it carefully before you do anything. I know that you are probably so scared but please think, listen to what other people say, don’t be scared to get help from people like I was and remember in the end it is YOUR choice: it is your life, do what you want not what other people tell you because in the end you are the one that is going to have live with the consequences, not anybody else.

I am adopted and I already feel like I have lost a part of me, because I have never met my birth mother, I have lost my daughter too. Although this might not look that bad, because I have a loving adoptive family, great friends, great home, great environment, I am smart and intelligent but I still suffer so much. When I am alone I feel like crying because I still carry so much hurt and pain, even though it has healed greatly. It will always be there, forever, but it has made me a stronger person today. But I would rather have my daughter and not have this empty, broken feeling then be a successful young woman who achieves well in everything she does, which I am today. Just because I look like I have everything and it appears that I am a very lucky girl, inside I feel completely different. Don’t choose the material world over your heart and soul, listen to that voice inside and always be honest to yourself.

 

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