Category: Women’s Stories

“I was 18 years old. I had just graduated from high school. The father of the baby was two years older than I. We were high school sweethearts. He enlisted in the Army that summer and was overseas when I found out I was pregnant. I never told him about the pregnancy, but I did tell another man whom I was seeing, he was almost 20 years older than me. He referred me to a doctor who performed abortions. In order to pay for the abortion I went to the Social Services department and applied for medical. After I received the medical benefits I was counseled by a person from Planned Parenthood. I had my abortion in a hospital. I was approximately 10-14 weeks pregnant.

I can remember that the new man I was involved with was all I really cared about at the time. He was the love of my life and he wanted me to have the abortion and I wanted to please him. I didn’t give much thought to what I was doing and I didn’t ask many questions. I was just told everything was going to be alright. I was never informed about how the abortion would be done and I do remember being told that I wasn’t killing life because a fetus isn’t considered to be a baby.

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“My husband and I were heavily involved with drugs, he convinced me to get an abortion. I was of the feeling (although I knew better) that this wasn’t really a baby. It was a “mass of tissue” I was getting rid of.

I was lucky that the clinic I went to was clean. I was not given any “counseling”. I was not told how well developed my baby was. I lied to the abortionist about how far along I was, so he would do a suction abortion on me.

My marriage ended in divorce. I grieved for a long time when I faced what I had really done. I am now happily married, no longer involved with drugs, and am very involved in the Pro-Life Movement.

I feel healed. I made a confession to a Priest, followed his advice and have become involved in letting people know that they are carrying a life inside of them. I feel very good about myself now.

It made me a much sadder person for a while. The quick-fix didn’t work for me. I feel that I am a stronger advocate for life because of my abortion.”

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“I was in college and my boyfriend left me and my mother wouldn’t help me. I felt I didn’t have any other choice.
[The abortion] was very painful (I did not have anesthesia). The nurse held my hand and the doctor said, “Oh, it doesn’t hurt that much” (male doctor). One week later I bled through my clothes down my legs — still, I didn’t seek help because I was scared and embarrassed.

It was the most painful, most sad time in my life. I still grieve and it’s been over 10 years. My mother still hasn’t forgiven me. My father died when I was 14 and my abortion was as painful as that experience.

I started with ABBA. I hope someday I can help another young girl to save her baby.

I now have 3 beautiful boys. It makes me sad to think I could have had a child that was 11 years old right now. I always have this urge to have another child — maybe to replace the one that’s gone.”

 

 

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“I was having marital problems. I confessed my unfaithfulness to my husband. I became pregnant. There was a question of who the father was. My husband said he would not love another man’s baby. I felt to save my marriage, to prove my love, I had an abortion.

I was numb emotionally. I cried the whole time. My husband sat in the car with our two children the whole time. I felt physical pain during the procedure. I just cried because of what I did and the price I was paying for what I did.
I hated myself. I sinned the unforgivable sin. I knew that I was going to hell when I died. I couldn’t believe my husband would allow the abortion and I felt I deserved any pain and punishment that I felt. My husband got a vasectomy. He told me there would be no question anymore. To retaliate I got a tubal ligation. I became very irresponsible. My life went down ever since.

It has been 12 years since my abortion. I never did anything positive to deal with it until now. I had a nervous breakdown. I was in the hospital for two weeks, when a counselor suggested the P.A.T.H. program. I could hardly wait for the chance to begin.

I realized I didn’t know myself and what I was capable of doing. I felt unworthy as a human being to experience any kind of or joy or happiness. I am jealous of pregnant women. I am just learning how my abortion has affected my life.

 

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In 1979, I was nineteen years old. I was sharing an apartment with a co-worker. One night I went out for a drink with my 34 year old step-uncle. After a few drinks we left and the next thing I knew we were back at my apartment. I did not have much contact with him after that until the day that I called him to tell him I thought I was pregnant. His first response was how did I know it was his. His second response was “I thought you were on the pill.”

When the pregnancy test came back positive, I set up an appointment with my doctor. He told me how far along I was, when the due date was, and that he would be happy to see me through my pregnancy. By this time, reality was setting in and I was very scared. I asked him about abortion. His only response was that he didn’t do abortions. That’s all. No information at all.

When I called my step-uncle back to report all this, he told me that he had talked to several of his female friends and they told him an abortion was “no big deal.” I then went to tell my mom and stepfather that I was pregnant. By now I was really trying to reach out to find some help, but I didn’t find any. My mom and stepfather simply told me I was an adult and was my decision. Once again there was no support or information given. I was so scared. I just wanted the nightmare to end. I made the decision to have the abortion.

From the moment that I found out that I was pregnant, I had begun to shut down emotionally. This emotional shutdown became even more complete when I walked into the clinic. The people at the clinic were very cold. They showed no emotions at all; they told me nothing. I was not prepared at all for what was about to happen to me. Again, I received no real support or information.

My mother had driven me there, and she paid for it. Most of the girls there were young, and their mothers had brought them, too. I remember that while we were all having our abortions the mothers all went out for coffee, as though we were in there having our hair done.

I felt so dirty and worthless. I remember after leaving the clinic, I went home with my mother and I remember her saying to me, “You basically had a D & C. You’re young and will get over it. Just forget it ever happened and go on with your life.” I did just that. Or so I thought.

I met my husband, got married. But I didn’t tell him about the abortion. I didn’t think I could tell him or he would hate me and leave me.

We had our first daughter and I never felt the deep love for her I should have. For several reasons, I guess. The first is that I had never grieved over the loss of the child I had aborted. I was also afraid to love her too much. I felt that God was just going to take her away from me to punish me for killing my first child. We then had a second child which I loved deeply.

We were married about ten years, and the pain of my abortion was becoming unbearable. One morning I tearfully told my husband the truth. I remember telling him that I really needed to tell him something, but he would probably hate me for it. I told him about the abortion and was then shocked to hear all the support and compassion that he gave me. I feel that the support that I received, for the first time in my life, had a lot to do with my seeking help. Before this, I never felt that I was worthy of love, nor did I love myself.

I contacted Project Rachel in Omaha, who referred me to a counselor. I saw this counselor about three times. She then told me about a Bible Study group through Project Rachel which I could attend. Going through the Bible Study brought to the surface a lot of feelings which I needed to work through in counseling, which I then received.

We finished our Bible Study group and from there we have started a monthly support group. I have also talked to other groups about my abortion experience and just how it has affected my life. I feel that is so important to tell my story so people might begin to understand the true devastation of abortion.

I lost a very special child, and I will always miss and love her with all my heart. But I truly believe that this same child has shown me that it is possible to love again.

Originally published in The PostAbortion Review 2(3) Fall 1994.

Elliot Institute, PO Box 7348, Springfield, IL 62791-7348
Additional material is posted at www.afterabortion.org

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I was 16 and it was the first time I had sex. I lied to my new boyfriend that I was using birth control. My girlfriend drove me to the clinic and brought me back home. I do not remember how I paid for it.

All I remember was gripping the nurse’s hand due to the pain involved. I remember also seeing the vacuum suction machine and the tube leading to it. I will never be able to get these out of my mind.

It’s easy to say I’ve had an abortion, but it tears you apart when you realize you took the life of your own child.
Because of the abortion, I am actually speaking out against abortion. My husband and I are associated with local Christian Action Council. I try to personally educate others about Life in the Womb.

 

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“Jessica” tells her story:

I was 23, single and became pregnant after dating a young man for a short time. He never knew about the pregnancy. I had friends who had had abortions and they encouraged me to do the same. I remember one friend saying, “You are not going to keep it are you?”

My parents had always said if you get pregnant don’t come to us. I felt I had little support there. I went to a clinic. They did a pregnancy test and it was positive. They had me go home to think about it. I went back the next day. They had you talk to a “counselor” who asked if I had any questions. I asked what options I had such as adoption or keeping the baby. I remember her response was, “What choice do you really have?” My abortion was performed and it seems like it was only yesterday. I still cry about killing my baby. It is something that will always be with me. I get angry when someone tells me they are pro-choice. They don’t personally believe in abortion but they can’t put their views on anyone else. I respond we are killing babies and I don’t want anyone else to experience the hurt I feel and I can’t bring my child back.

I have 3 little girls now but I still yearn for the child that I killed. My husband knows about my abortion and he too has strong feelings against abortion. No one else in my family knows about my abortion.

The abortion changed my life by making me totally and thoroughly against abortion. We have to protect those who can’t protect themselves.

The abortion was extremely painful — I felt like my insides were being ripped out. I was extremely upset, angry and depressed for months and years after the abortion. I continued to have no one to turn to. I have to support abstinence before marriage, adoption if pregnancy occurs.

Please stop the killings.

 

 

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When I was 18, I became pregnant. When I first found out, I never thought of having an abortion as I knew it was wrong. I thought I would give the baby up for adoption. I phoned one of my sisters. She was shocked, of course and said she would tell our older sister, who called me later and suggested I think of having an abortion. She said it would kill mom if she found out and that I wouldn’t have the heart to give the baby up for adoption as I loved babies so much. She said she would set up an appointment with her doctor. I asked her if it was wrong because it was a baby. She told me that the fetus wasn’t a baby yet, it was just a blob of tissues and plasma. Feeling scared and trusting her statement that the fetus was not a baby yet, I let her arrange everything. I flew to [another city] to see her doctor and a gynecologist. I remember the gynecologist’s clean hands and cold manner. He made me feel so stupid for becoming pregnant. About a week later, I went [back there] for a week, lying to my parents about why I was going.

I would describe my abortion as the worst day of my existence. My sister drove me to the hospital and left after I had changed. A nurse took me to a bed to wait. Lying there waiting, I wanted so much to get up and leave. I didn’t want to go through with it. The nurse came and gave me something so the anesthetic wouldn’t make me sick. She asked if I knew why I was there. I said, “to have an abortion.” I really wanted to say, “to kill my baby.” I remember saying the sign of the cross over my tummy as if to baptize my baby. In the operating room, I remember them putting my legs in stirrups and commenting how long it was taking me to go under. Finally, I woke up after with terrible tummy pains and threw up several times due to the anesthetic. The nurse brought me some pain killers. My sister picked me up. She asked me if I felt relieved. I said, “I guess.”

After I returned home, I kept to myself. I didn’t get out with my friends. At college, I did homework in the locker room. About 2 1/2 months later, I visited the father. After spending a few days together I asked if he ever wondered what I had been up to in the last 5 months. I told him about the abortion. He felt bad and said he should have been with me. After that visit, we never really stayed in touch. That summer, I went a bit crazy and sent him pictures of aborted fetuses and what 11 week old fetuses looked like. I included an epitaph, “In loving memory of Stewart Maureen, Jr., October 7-December 11”. Looking back, I can’t believe I did that. But I wanted him to feel as bad and guilty as I felt. I think my sister felt bad about what had happened as she had introduced me to the father that summer. My other sister, I’m sure, felt we did the right thing. She supports abortion. No one else in my family knows. (Parents, two other sisters and a brother.)…
Throughout the years, whenever something hasn’t worked out or gone right for me, I tell myself it’s my punishment for what I did. And I suppose, even today, I have never really forgiven myself. I’ve tried to rationalize it, saying it was for the best, but here was no excuse for the abortion.

I even wrote a poem to the baby:

FOR MY LITTLE ONE

Forgive me.
I am sorry my baby, my little one.
You were killed by the one who loved you the most.
For the months I carried you,
Flesh of my flesh, flesh of his flesh.
I felt your every move, I could feel you
But I was too young, I did not know.
Your father, my little one, did not know you.
You are a boy, a man like him.
I call you Stewart William, like him.
You have curly, brown hair like him.
Your face is his face.
I love you like I love him.
I have no excuses.
I saved you from a world
Where babies are killed by the ones
Who should love them the most.
You are safe with God now.
If I should ever have another child,
You must remember that I will always love
You the most, my first baby.
Sleep well, my little one.

Very few people knew what happened. My parents and the rest of the family still do not. I wish I could go public and tell of my terrible experience but then it really would have all been in vain. The past few years, I have become a strong pro-lifer. I have read much on the issue including the arguments put forth by pro-choice. Not one of these arguments has convinced me that what I did was right. It was wrong on all accounts. I killed another human being and

I must live with that for the rest of my life…

I am presently completing my Bachelor of Education degree. My son and I live with my parents and will do so until I finish school. Whenever the abortion topic is brought up, I speak up and give my strong and well-supported arguments. I feel/know that there are no good reasons to abort. Adoption is the only alternative to those who don’t want the baby.

No one has the right to kill another human being. Because I have been through both scenarios. I feel I can make this statement. I know how it feels in both cases. Having my son, giving him life, has been the most rewarding experience of my life. I support all women who are faced with an “unplanned” child. Abortion is wrong and is an act of selfishness, greed and vanity. No woman should have to live in a society that makes them feel they have to “choose” abortion. The very fact that no one likes to discuss their abortion is proof enough that abortion is a terrible event in a woman’s life.

I know I’ve experienced post abortion syndrome and am slowly letting myself heal. I can’t change the past but I can help the future by sharing my ordeal.

 

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From Abortiontv, a pro-life site:

Kari writes:

“I was in the 10th grade, and met the “man” of my dreams. He was wonderful, and we did everything together. By the time we had been dating for a year, and I was in the 11th grade, I started to have this funny feeling. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but something was different about me. I felt an all around change. After thinking for a while, pregnancy had crossed my mind. I blew it off though – thinking that because I was only 17 years old, I couldn’t be pregnant, but that feeling kept coming back until one day my boyfriend took me to buy a pregnancy test.

For days, he kept hounding me about the abortion. I kept telling him no. Then he started telling me that if I had the baby, he wouldn’t be there for me. He said that he wouldn’t be there for the birth, and he said that he would leave me. I was still determined to keep my baby. Then little by little, my wall began to break down. My boyfriend was going to leave me, and I loved him too much for him to leave me. Somehow, and I don’t know why, I started considering going through with the abortion. While at my vocational class in school, I got a phone book, and called a clinic near my home. I set up an appointment. I figured that if I wanted to, I could change my mind before then. I told my boyfriend that day that I had set up an appointment. He seemed all too relieved. I on the other hand was dying inside. I knew I wanted my baby, and I knew I wanted my boyfriend. So I went against what I thought was right, and tried to forget about the little baby that was growing within me. I had this emotional attachment with this baby, and I had to completely forget about it, because I wanted to be with my boyfriend.

My appointment was set for November 4th, 1999. I told my mom that I changed my mind, and she said that she would respect what ever I wanted to do. She asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it, and I said yes, even though I lied. I really didn’t want to. The day before the abortion, my mom had to go to the clinic and sign some papers with me since she couldn’t be there the day of. The nurses were very friendly, I suppose that’s how they sell their abortions.

The next day, I woke up early and drove to my boyfriends house. He was to take me to the clinic. As we pulled up, I felt cold and sick to my stomach, but in my mind, it felt like there was no turning back. I signed it, and was called to the back to fill out a ton of paper work, get some blood work done, and have an ultra-sound. Then I waited for what seemed like hours in the waiting room. I remember there was an older woman in there, who had brought her daughter in for an abortion. I looked at her, sitting in the corner, crying quietly to herself. I wish I would have walked out then, but didn’t.

My boyfriend acted childishly the whole time in the clinic. He even left me alone in there while he ran next door to 7-eleven to get something to eat. When he came back, they called me to go into the back room. I was put in this room, and given a gown. The nurse coldly told me to put on the gown, and leave my socks on. Everyone was so nice to me the day before, why was everyone being so rude to me now??? I sat in the nicely decorated room for about 10 minutes, shaking. I knew I didn’t want to go through with it. I wanted to start crying, but a nurse rushed into the room, and brought me to the room where my baby would soon die. The room looked like an ordinary doctors office room. Except for all of the machines in the corner covered with sheets.

Soon, a nurse dressed in green scrubs, and an older doctor came into the room. He introduced himself quickly and rudely, and instructed me to place my feet in the stirrups. I can remember looking up at the ceiling on the ceiling there was a picture of a monkey, and next to the money the phrase, “An apple a day, keeps the doctor away”. I couldn’t believe that was up there! Next thing I knew – I was being injected with some form of anesthesia. I became groggy but was instantly awake as soon as the doctor began the procedure. I remember thinking that I was going to die.

I had never experienced so much pain in my life, and I just cried, begging him to stop. I started jerking, trying to get away from him, but the nurse kept telling me to calm down, or I would hurt myself. I laid there and cried. I felt like my life had been drained from me. I remember wishing that it was. After the procedure ended, I was brought into the recovery room. There were two women on each side of me. One was sleeping heavily, and the other was sleeping with a smirk on her face, like she was happy about what she had just done. I on the other hand can remember looking at the vertical blinds on the window, feeling nothing but emptiness. Then I had realized what I had done. I killed my baby. My thoughts soon vanished when a young woman began screaming in the hall. She had just had the procedure done, and was being wheeled into the recovery room. She couldn’t walk, and was just screaming and crying hysterically. I just wanted to hug her and let her know that it would be okay. She calmed down, and I remember looking into her eyes. They looked blank, like there was no one there. I knew I had to leave. I told the nurse I was feeling fine (which was a lie) and she gave me my paper work, clothes, and prescriptions, and sent me on my way. I left the clinic that day, vowing to never return there.

The day after the abortion, I woke up early and found that I couldn’t walk. I was doubled over in pain. I was rushed to the E.R. to discover that there was an infection setting in quickly. They gave me several medications to take. I was soon feeling better a few weeks later. After I began feeling better, I also began feeling “relieved.” I began to feel “happy” that I had the abortion. For some reason, I felt happy that I didn’t have to worry about my boyfriend leaving me.

Those feeling didn’t last very long. By the time January came around, I was feeling terrible. I finally realized how stupid I was for killing my baby. I wanted my baby back so bad, and I knew that nothing I did could bring my baby back. I started slipping into a depression. I began skipping school, laying in bed, crying because I wanted my baby. I became violent towards my boyfriend for pressuring me into the abortion, and I completely ignored my friends. I eventually dropped out of school completely.

One day while watching TV I saw a commercial about abortion, and it said to call if your life had been affected by an abortion. I called, and found out that they offered classes for what I was going through. I immediately signed up and started the “Project Rachel” classes. I went to the 12 week classes, and came to realize that I was suffering from P.A.S.S. Post Abortion Stress Syndrome. I finally knew that I wasn’t alone. I started to come out of my depression, and tried to work on my feelings. My boyfriend and I were still together, and we often talked about our feelings on the abortion. He finally told me that he was sorry for pressuring me so much to have the abortion. He was just under a lot of pressure from him parents.

To this very day, I still have not forgiven him. I cannot forgive him until I forgive myself. We are still together – our four year anniversary is soon approaching as is the date of my abortion. Each year on November 4th, and months before, I get in a slump where I feel down, but this year, I am going to try and do something positive to remember my baby. On September 12th, I am starting school again. I will be going to Adult Education to get my High School Diploma. Things are starting to look up for me, though I am still suffering deeply from P.A.S.S.

I have found some comfort in “naming” my lost baby. I always thought that my baby would have been a girl, so I wanted to name her Anna Maria Contreras. Anna after my grandmother.

 

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This story was published in March 2003 on a pro-choice website called Many Voices, Many Choices. It was quoted by Life Dynamics.

“I got pregnant in January of this year. When I found out I was pregnant I was scared but excited. I believed that I should keep the baby although I knew the timing wasn’t perfect. However, my family wasn’t thrilled about the idea of my being pregnant so I decided to abort.

….For me abortion has caused me much despair. It has been a month and I am more devastated now than ever. I feel guilt, and anger, and apathy towards almost all aspects of my life….Last week I went for my follow-up appointment. I had sent in a comment card stating that I wish a note had been provided to me regarding the delay in my abortion (I was in the operation room for 2 hours due to the stubborn cervix) and the outcome. I also stated that in lieu of a note it would have been courteous to inform my boyfriend what was going on since he was the last one in the waiting room and so much time had gone by.

They were rude: The nurse was curt with me and pretty rude about my negative comments. The same nurse then pulled out an ultrasound to show me my atypical cervix. That ultrasound showed my 9-week fetus, complete with arms and legs, prior to the abortion. I am now unable to go more than three or four hours without having the image of that unknowing baby nestled within my uterus. That image will haunt me for a while.

Emotional Pain: I was nervous about the abortion. I assumed I would be a little sad and that there would be pain. But the physical pain was a non-issue. The pain that I feel now is emotional and seems to have no end. I am doubting so much about my life now. I doubt my relationship, I doubt my family who merely expressed displeasure over my being an UN-wed mother (it would destroy them if they knew what I had done), I doubt my career, and I doubt myself. My world has turned upside down.

I wish more than anything that we had chosen to keep our child….

I can’t imagine someone having this done and not feeling despair at some point. It is not as easy as they make it sound. It is hard…. maybe even harder than having a child.

I was pro-choice my entire adult life. Technically, I still am. But I am angry that this decision was so easy for me to make. I am angry that my abortion clinic gave me a comment card similar to one you get at the Marriott and then was rude to me because I didn’t have glowing things to say about my experience. I am angry with myself for having been so weak.

 

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