Category: Women’s Stories

“I’ll be 22 in May 2002 and I’ve had 2 abortions. I say this with tears, not with triumph….I wanted to have a baby. Although, being 21 and a junior in college, no health insurance, and still living at home, my choices were limited. The abortion: I won’t say that my boyfriend if you want to call him that, forced me, but he certainly did persuade me into it. He kept saying, “We’re too young”. This would also put a halt to his dreams of starting his own business before he was 30. I made plans, I drove to Indianapolis (2 hours away), and I signed the papers “no” that said: Did anyone force you to come here today? Thus, I blame myself for the pain I endure. ….[the day of the abortion] July 6 was the worst day of my life. Two weeks later I went to Planned Parenthood near my house for an ‘after abortion’ exam. The exam room looked like the one at the abortion clinic. Although, this one I’ve been in before for many check ups and exams. I had to lay on my back and spread my legs on the same silver foot petals. The nurse came in and began the exam. And you know when doctors begin to talk to you and ask you questions to comfort you? Well she started to talk while doing the exam and all I could do was cry. I cried loud and couldn’t control myself. The similar atmosphere struck my memories of that dreadful day…. Personally, I am Pro-Choice, but still wouldn’t have another abortion. And I can say this with respect because I’ve been through it twice.” From the pro-choice website FWHC (Feminist Women’s Health Center- an abortion provider) Many Voices, Many Choices

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“I’m from Colorado. I was 20, I was pregnant, I was scared, and I was looking for answers. And at first, I did not regret the day that I made that fateful decision to walk through the abortionist’s doorway. But I was a vulnerable victim to whom they professionally targeted and marketed their ghastly, deadly procedure.

I felt helpless as I was subjected to their heavy-handed, high-pressured sales pitch. No matter what soul-searching question I asked, terminating my pregnancy was always their consistent answer. I was given a package deal, and they convinced me that the abortion deal for the low, low cost of $300 cash was the answer to all my problems. I soon realized that they sold it as a package that was prettily wrapped with a great big bow on top, but it was a package that was full to the brim of lies, exploitation, and death.

They told me it was a blob of tissue. They lied. I grieved the baby I lost. They told me that this was the best thing for me. They lied. My abortion devastated me emotionally, physically and psychologically. They told me I would not regret my decision. They lied. I regret the loss of my baby every day of my life. I was never told I would suffer subsequent miscarriages. I had five. I was never told that an abortion might result in a subsequent unhealthy baby. I had a special needs son who died at the age of 7. I was never told that the trauma of my experience would live with me over and over and over and over, and that the regrets and the guilt would drain me day and night.

And I sought solace in denial. And my denial brought about rage. And my rage brought about severe relationship issues with my husband, with my children, with my family. Having an abortion ended the life of my unborn baby, and it ended the normal semblance of a life that I had previously known.

Having an abortion didn’t end my problems like they said it would. They lied. It was just the beginning of my problems.

And I want America to know this. That many women like me take years to understand and acknowledge their grief after an abortion. Like me, they go into denial, and different events can trigger the acknowledgment. The death of my 7-year-old son triggered mine. And living through that grieving experience made me realize that I had actually been grieving the loss of my baby 13 years prior. For 13 years I thought that emotional consequences were only for weak women, not for strong women like me.

For 13 years I thought that I had escaped the brutal ravages of abortion. For 13 years I remained silent in my shame. But I will remain silent no more. There are hurting women like I was who are walking wounded, and they are wounded from their guilt, they are wounded from their shame, they are wounded with despondency, and we need to realize that America gave us this fatal choice, and now she needs to hear our voice.

And the abortion industry will continue to lie, with the blood on their hands and the cash in their pockets, that terminating a pregnancy doesn’t have severe, life-long consequences. But, I will scream the truth from the rooftops if I have to, that abortion hurts women. Abortion brings torment. Abortion exploits women, and abortion victimizes women. Abortion stopped the beating heart of my baby, and it broke the heart of this mother. And I will boldly state the truth and be silent no more.”

Federal News Service Inc.
Justice Foundation Press Conference: 1-18-2005

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Authors James Bretzke and Monika Rodman told the following anecdote in “America”, November 6, 1999

Quoted in Paula Vandegaer “Postabortion Emotional Problems Harm Women” in Mary E Williams. Abortion: Opposing Viewpoints (San Diego, California: Greenhaven Press, 2002)

“When a group of young professional women gathered to discuss a recent work on women’s sexuality, each confessed her reasons for not having begun to read the agreed-upon work. Three of the four attributed their struggle to a particularly painful experience: they had had abortions.

All three women were Catholic by upbringing, if not according to their current spiritual practice, and all were college age at the time of their abortions. While they generally felt they had made the best decision they could at the time, the three expressed deep, unresolved pain over their abortions and said they struggled to find “forgiveness” for those decisions. Pro-choice rhetoric aside, they appear to have suffered in abortion a deep wound to their womanhood, a wound that also struck at the heart of their spiritual life.”

 

 

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A pro-life pastor shared the following stories in his sermon “Choose Life so you May Live”:

“As I entered the clinic doors, the nurse at the desk took my name and age. She said I was eight weeks pregnant and that it was just a mass of tissue not yet formed. As I lay on the table where the procedure was about to take place, I saw covered jar on the table close to my feet. Terror ran through me and I asked why this jar was covered up if this thing that they say is inside me is just a blob of white tissue? After seeing the jar I knew deep down inside something was not told to me. I felt betrayed and sick. It wasn’t until years later when I saw the fetal growth chart, then I realized why they covered the jar. The one thing I lacked was the visual knowledge of what was really happening after conception in my body. The biggest thing I had to get over was to forgive myself for what I had done. The memory will always be there.”

(page 53)

Larry L. Lewis “Proclaiming the Pro-Life Message: Christian Leaders Addressed the Abortion Issue” (Hannibal MO: Hannibal books) 1997

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I had an abortion because my family thought it was the best for me. I was a sophomore in high school with high hopes of going to medical school to become a plastic surgeon.

When the day came that my sister scheduled me for an abortion, I was brought to the private OB/GYN office by my mother. I remember vividly the feeling I had as I sat there, just 15 years old, next to my mother as the happy expectant couples that filled the office stared at me with curious eyes trying to figure out why I was there. My head hung low as I got up after my name being called. I was escorted to the procedure room and was asked to disrobe. It all happened so fast. Before I knew it, I was drifting into nothingness. All I remember is the sound of a vacuum filling the room.

Immediately after the abortion, I felt nothing. I felt empty. As time went on after the abortion, I felt and experienced deep thoughts of suicide, but my faith kept me from attempting.

I regretted not only the abortion, but the fact that having it done wasn’t even my decision. Not once was I asked what I wanted to do. It all happened so fast.

As time went on I started to live life again. I finished high school and began college. I was in a relationship with the man whom I went on to marry and it was then that the regret began to creep up again. When I began to think of having children with my husband, I was consumed with guilt. It haunted me. I would often break out in tears at any moment. My husband held my hand and helped me to deal with the pain.

After five years of holding in this secret, I went, alone, to confess. It was the most intense moment of my life to speak these words to a priest. “I had an abortion.” He gave my penance and I’ve began my healing.

From Priests for Life

 

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I got pregnant every time because I did not use birth control. I was stupid and naive. I had my abortions because I was selfish and did not think about my unborn babies. The thought of giving birth and all also scared me to death.

The sad part is that both my sister and I were adopted by my parents! So if either of our birth mothers would have aborted us, neither she nor I would be here. That fact was hard to deal with in making the decision to terminate my pregnancies. I also came from a well-to-do family that would have been devastated with the pregnancies.

During the procedures, I went in and out of sleep and I heard a vacuum cleaner/suctioning sound. It didn’t last long and then I was free to leave. Afterward, I must admit, I felt enormous relief that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I basically went about, after that, like nothing had happened. I guess I used abortion as a means of birth control—as absolutely disgusting as it sounds.

I have come to terms with what I have done to the best of my ability. I do not feel the need even now to talk to anyone in depth about my experiences.

About four years ago, I came back to my Catholic faith (not because of the abortions). Through the unbelievable faith and love I had found through the Lord, my husband saw my transformation and felt guided to my faith. He decided to go through the RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation) program to become a Catholic. I had not been to formal confession with a priest in 23 years. I had a lot of sin to confess. My worst sin was my past abortions. But through the grace of God, I was immediately forgiven.

But the harder part was actually forgiving myself. That took awhile. But I knew that if God could forgive me then I could forgive myself. My husband and I are currently trying to have a baby. I must say that after I do conceive, go through the months of pregnancy with my changing body, and then deliver my baby, I don’t know how I’m going to feel about my past abortions. I have a feeling that is when I may need some serious therapy. But right now I’m fine. But for all I know, I’ve probably been in denial for all these years!

I’m very grateful to have this website for information and references. God bless to you all.

From Priests for Life

Note; Religious beliefs expressed in testimonies are not necessarily endorsed by site owner

 

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I had an abortion when I was 17. At the time I just though of the child as something that wasn’t alive yet but still a part of my body, some sort of appendage. I went to the clinic with that idea in my head and laid down on the table to have my baby taken out of me, no big deal.

They use a drug they call “Twilight” to render you immobilized during the procedure. You’re still completely conscious through all of it, you just can’t move any part of your body or speak. So they stick the needle in my arm with the drug in it and right as it kicks in they give me an ultrasound. My face was pointing toward the monitor that show a picture of a visible living baby. He was moving and I could see his head and arms and legs, everything. Once I realized the baby was alive I opened my mouth to tell the doctor to stop what he was doing. That’s when the Twilight kicked in and there was nothing I could do but silently stare at a picture of my baby who was being hacked up and killed inside of me, and it was my fault. The only thing I managed to do throughout the procedure was cry.

The nurse called my mother to pick me up because as soon as the Twilight kicked in I started crying and didn’t stop for a week. It changed my life forever and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about that day and regret what I did. Every time something bad happens to me regardless of whether or not I had any control over it I call it Karma and blame myself. I went job corps for a while and while I was there I was talking about my experience once with my roommates and found out they all had abortions also. Every one of them hated themselves for doing it and think about what a bad person they are every day to this day.

I’m 24 now and I’m pregnant. Because I’m not married to the father (although we are together) my family has asked me to abort this child. I don’t understand how someone could have the audacity to tell you to kill your own child. I’m agnostic so this has nothing to do with being pro-life, because I’m not, I’m pro-choice. Abortion is a question of morality and it’s not my place to judge someone else’s morals. However, I wish more girls would talk to people who have had abortions. Maybe that should be a requirement if you want to get one. These girls need to be prepared for all of the psychological pain they will go through for the rest of their lives.

 

 

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I had an abortion when I was 21. I regret it everyday. If I would have told my parents. I am sure they would have told me to have it. My friend had one and told me I should too. I went alone and told nobody. The bad part was when I almost died from too much gas.

That would have been so sad to hear your daughter died on some table. I think about that child and what would have happened if I would have been brave and told my parents. My friend will never have children because of her abortion. People get selfish and use abortion as birth control instead of living with their mistakes. A child should never have to pay for their parents’ mistakes but they do everyday.

 

 

 

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To be honest, my post abortion story is still be written. In just over a month my baby would be one year old and it just breaks my heart.
My boyfriend and I were both going through divorces when we found out I was pregnant. We had already planned on getting married and having a life together. I was scared yet excited. I was alone in my excitement. My boyfriend said that we had too much else going on right then and that he wanted a child with me but the timing wasn’t right. He promised me we’d have another one. I truly believed him with all my heart. I hesitated about the abortion. I kept putting off the conversation hoping time would pass and it would be too late. I was 7 weeks along when my boyfriend called different clinics. He set up an appointment for me. I was so numb. The morning we were to go to the clinic I was crying. I had bought baby and maternity clothing, a blanket, and, well, several small items. He told me again how we would have our child some day and that those items will be used at that time. I accidentally locked the car keys in the house I was so out of it. He kicked the door in to get them. The damage to the door is still there for me to see on a daily basis when I come home. I know i’m not writing this very well, but the pain is just still so raw and the reality of what happened is coming more into focus each day. It’s gut-wrenching. Back to that awful morning…

I asked him if we could just take a week to think about it. He held me and promised everything would be okay. We drove to the clinic. It was at a hospital here in town. I was hoping there would be protesters that would help me and see I didn’t want to be there. There was nobody at all. We walked into the clinic and the whole experience is still just too surreal to talk about.

What I want to talk about is what happened afterward. Two weeks after that horrid day (March 6, 2007), my boyfriend left me. I remember that moment so clearly. I was bleeding very profusely. I had just showed him and asked him if he thought that was normal. Turns out it wasn’t. Turns out I had an infection. At any rate, he chose that moment to tell me he thought I was too weak for him, not motivated enough. I felt absolutely sick. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t believe he was really leaving. He walked out the door and left me crying, bleeding and terrified. Nobody knew I was pregnant except him. I absolutely lost it. I called my mom hysterical. I didn’t want to live. I felt so deceived, so tricked. One of my best friends said I needed to go to the hospital. I did. That is when I found out I had an infection. They didn’t get all of the “material” out the first time as they called it. I was told I was one of the 1-2% that had to get the procedure done again. I was put out after the ultrasound. It hurt so much to see the empty ultrasound where just a couple weeks earlier there had been a strong heartbeat. Ironically I was in the same exact room on the same exact machine. I couldn’t and can’t believe what I did. The first time I was there, I actually felt a little smug. Like I had my boyfriend in the waiting room and I would get my child back. I felt sorry for the other women there who didn’t have my support. How wrong I was. This second time, I was in the same room being put out and I was all alone. He was gone. I had been with him for over a year. I still can’t believe he treated me the way he did. I felt like a complete piece of garbage. I turned my back on my baby for him. I went against what I wanted for him. I gave up so much for him. A few months went by and I contacted him. I was crying asking him how he could do that to me. He told me that the baby was a “blob” and how weak I was. He told me to “get some help”. I am so broken.

I found a memorial/cemetary where I had my baby’s name engraved. I go there to visit her as often as I can. It has brought me some peace in that I feel I have shown her just a smidgeon of the respect she deserved. I know she is real. I will never forget her. I named her “Cecilia” because it means blind. I was so blind. I want to take my decision back so badly. Please … if anyone reading this is contemplating doing what I did for a man, don’t do it. I am not a dumb woman … I was 32 years old. I believed him with my heart and soul that the timing was just not right and he would be there for me. Now I am scarred for life, both mentally and physically. My fertility has been decreased because everywhere there is a scar on my uterus is one less place any future babies could implant. I feel this is what I deserved. God’s punishment to me. I have been punished enough. I can’t take anymore hurt and yet every day it gets worse. I feel so alone. I’m sorry Cecilia. I’m so sorry.

 

 

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