Category: Women’s Stories

The following story was told in Salon magazine.

“In December of 2010 I had an abortion. It has haunted me ever since.

… I was pregnant and I chose not to continue the pregnancy even though deep down I desperately wanted a child.

I made this choice based on my relationship with the baby’s father, who dropped me off at the clinic and I never saw again, despite having a three-to-four-year, on-and-off relationship. He promised me marriage and more children when we were ready for it, i.e. five or 10 years from now.

His last words to me were, “Don’t worry, I’ll be back.” But that never materialized.

….I haven’t dated, least of all had sex with anyone, since that day. It feels like a part of me died that day and will never return.”

“My Abortion Traumatized Me”  Salon Magazine SUNDAY, JUL 17, 2011

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Saline abortions were done in the 1980s and early 90s and then were gradually replaced by D&E abortions, where the baby is dismembered via forceps.  In a saline abortion, poison was injected into the amniotic sac and kill the baby over the course of several hours. The woman then went through labor to deliver a dead child. Here is one woman’s story of the experience:

“After the fluid was withdrawn, he [the abortionist]injected 200 ccs of the saline solution — half a pint of concentrated salt solution.  From then on, it was terrible.

My baby began thrashing about — it was like a boxing match.  She was in pain.  The saline was burning her skin, her eyes, her throat.  It was choking her, making her sick.  She was in agony, trying to escape…

For some reason it never entered my mind that with an abortion she would have to die.  I never wanted my baby to die; I only wanted to get rid of my “problem.”

But it was too late to turn back now.  There was no way to save her.

So instead, I talked to her.  I tried to comfort her.  I tried to ease her pain.  I told her I didn’t want to do this to her, but it was too late to stop it.  I didn’t want her to die.  I begged her not die.  I told her I was sorry, to forgive me, that I was wrong, that I didn’t want to kill her.  For two hours I could feel her struggling inside me.

But then, as suddenly as it began, she stopped.  Even today, I remember her very last kick on my left side.  She had no strength left.  She gave up and died.

Despite my grief and guilt, I was relieved that her pain was finally over.  But I was never the same again.  The abortion killed not only my daughter; it killed a part of me.

Before that needle had entered my abdomen, I had liked myself… when the child I had abandoned suddenly began its struggle within me, I hated myself.  It was that fast.  Every bit of self-esteem, every value I held dear, every hope of which I ever dreamed — all were stripped away by the poison of that one vain act.  Every memory of joy was now tainted by the stench of death…

there was no way to stop it.  There was no way to put everything back the way it had been.  I no longer had any control, any choice.  I was powerless.  I was weak.  I was a murderer.

A little while after my baby stopped moving they gave me an intravenous injection to help stimulate labor.  I was at hard labor for 12 hours, all through the night.  When finally I delivered, the nurses didn’t make it into my room in time.

I delivered my daughter myself at 5:30 the next morning, October 31.  After I delivered her, I held her in my hands.  I looked her over from top to bottom.  She had a head of hair, and her eyes were opening.  I looked at her little tiny feet and hands.  Her fingers and toes even had little fingernails and swirls of fingerprints.  Everything was perfect.  She was not a “fetus.”  She was not a “product of conception.”  She was a tiny human being… she was my daughter.  Twisted with agony, silent and still.  Dead.

It seemed like I held her for 10 minutes or more, but it was probably only 30 seconds — because as soon as the nurses came rushing in, they grabbed her from my hands and threw her — literally threw her — into a bedpan and carried her away.

To add insult to injury, after my daughter was taken away, they brought another woman into the room to finish the last hour of her labor.  But this woman wasn’t have an abortion.  No, she had a beautiful, healthy baby boy.  No words can describe how rough that was on me.

I was released from the hospital eight hours after the delivery.  The official report filled out by my abortionist stated that the procedure had been completed with “no complications.”  Three days later I went back in to what felt like labor pains, and I passed a piece of placenta about the size of my hand… soon afterwards I began to withdraw from those who loved me, especially from my family since they had supported and encouraged me to have an abortion…

Three weeks after my abortion, I chose to be sterilized by tubal ligation.  I couldn’t cope with the idea that I could ever possibly kill again.  It was too devastating… My body, which had the potential of creating life was now too easily a host of death.

I became preoccupied with thoughts of death.  I fantasized about how I would die.  My baby had struggled for two hours.  I’ve tried to imagine myself dying a similar kind of death…

Four months after my abortion, the bleeding and infection were so persistent.  Too ashamed to go to my own OB/GYN, I returned to Dr. Fong and he performed a D&C to clean out the uterus.  He cut off my cervix and left the packing inside of me.  Three weeks later I was grossly rotted out inside

Seven months later, at 22 years of age I was forced to undergo total hysterectomy — all because of that “safe and easy” legal abortion.”

David Reardon “Aborted Women: Silent No More” Westchester Illinois: Crossway, 1987) quoted in John Ankerberg and John Weldon “When Does Life Begin? And 39 Other Tough Questions About Abortion” (Brentwood TN: Wolgemuth and Hyatt Publishers, 1989)

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Jodia Peters was 16 when she had an abortion. Seven years later, she spoke out in support of Amendment 25, a bill that would require abortion clinics to give information about abortion’s risks, the development of the unborn baby, and abortion alternatives. Women would not be forced to view this information, but it would have to be offered to them. Planned Parenthood and other pro-choice groups oppose these informed consent laws.

From the author of the article:

“Peters said she had no idea of the possible medical and emotional risks [Of abortion]. Many came true for her. She became severely depressed and had uterine scarring which, five years later, caused the premature birth of her son, Jereth. Now 3, he’s had seizures and faces possible eyesight complications.

Jodia tells her story:

“I think my life would have been different with more information,” she says. “If I had numbers for adoption agencies, or had 24 hours’ notice, maybe I could’ve gotten away from my (family member). But I didn’t know I had any other kind of support.”

Again from the author:

She also wishes she knew what her unborn child looked like at 11 weeks, but she says the ultrasound presented to her by the abortion practitioner was done too quickly. When a doctor showed her Jereth’s ultrasound at the same stage of pregnancy, she clearly saw fingers and toes.

“If I knew, I think I could have stood up to the pressure.”

Jodia Peters says that after the clinic worker obtained her consent for the abortion, the clinic showed her a video on the procedure:

“It showed the instruments they used. I remember the words, ‘gentle suction’ and ‘slight pressure,’ all these rosy words, everything to make me feel good.”

The author continues:

Any feel-good sense vanished when the abortion practitioner entered the room with a brief hello, and quickly began dilating her cervix without taking any time to visit with her.

Right away, she said, “It hurt so bad I wanted to die. I told him to stop. He looked at me and said, ‘I can’t.’ I kicked, tried to get up. The person in there for support was holding me down. I was screaming, crying, kicking, everything.”

She’s still tormented wondering “whether he could have stopped when I told him to.”

….

Not until after the abortion was she given a small booklet called “Facts for Abortion Patients.” She recalls reading for the first time about excessive bleeding, possible infection and other dangers and risks associated with abortion. Only then, after reading the book following the abortion, did she learn the name of the abortion practitioner.

“Colorado Woman Recalls Her Abortion Tragedy” Denver Rocky Mountain News; October 23, 2000

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An article on abortion malpractice discusses lawsuits against various clinics. Here is one lawsuit from a woman who had a hard time dealing with her abortion:

Case One

D. had a first trimester abortion to hide the fact that she was having sex with someone other than her mate. She felt she had no other choice. She did not receive any pre-abortion counseling. After the procedure she found herself thinking about the abortion hundreds of times during the day. When she had her menstrual period, she would save whatever blood clots that passed into the toilet and place them in glass bottles every month. She hoped for another pregnancy both as an attempt to “undo” the abortion and to “replace” her lost child. In addition, she had nightmares and suffered from depression and unrelenting guilt.

“Abortion Malpractice: When Patient Needs an Abortion Practice Collide”A.I.R.V.S.C. Association for Interdisciplinary Research in Values and Social Change Research Bulletin Vol. 9 No.1 November/December 1995

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One women tells her story:

“I became active in the pro-choice movement (first as a legislative worker, then as a clinic escort). I suppose in retrospect I was trying to justify what I had done. Then in 1991 I became pregnant with my son. I went for prenatal visits and was horrified to see a real baby on the Ultrasound screen, and also to hear his heartbeat on the Doptone device! I had not realized the heartbeat started so soon; they never told me anything about that at Planned Parenthood, when my parents brought me for the abortion.”

The heart starts beating around 21 days.

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The following “letter to the editor” has appeared in many newspapers around the country and was read by Senator Gordon Humphrey on the floor of the U.S. Senate. It appeared in the Congressional Record on pg. S.10651.

To the Editor:

I have read letters to the editor from persons who feel abortion is morally wrong and others who feel abortion is a matter of choice. I would like to present a side of the abortion debate that few people consider. That is the position of one who has had an abortion. This is what the “right to choose” has meant to me: In 1980 I aborted my first child. I was told at Planned Parenthood that this little “blob of tissue” would be as easily removed as a wart. Terminating a pregnancy, I was told, was no more significant than removing a tiny blood clot in my uterus. “Sounds harmless,” I reasoned. Exercising the right to choose, I opted for abortion. At that time no other options, such as adoption or single parenting, were explained. At the abortion clinic, I was not administered pain killers. When the suction aspirator was turned on I felt like my entire insides were being torn from me. Three-quarters of the way through the procedure I looked down and to my right and there I saw the bits and pieces of my baby floating in a pool of blood. After I screamed “I killed my baby,” the counselor in attendance told me to shut up. Suddenly I felt very sad and alone. But the worst was yet to come. I was not forewarned about the deep psychological problems I would encounter in the months and years to follow. I was never told that I would have nightmares about babies crying in the night. Neither was it explained previous to the abortion that I would experience severe depressions in which I would contemplate suicide. I didn’t mourn the loss of my appendix, so why would I grieve the passing of an enigmatic uterine blob? The answer was that it wasn’t a mere “blob of tissue”. It was a living baby. I realized it the moment I saw his dismembered limbs. I realized too late on abortion. By now the reader may be asking him/herself, “Isn’t this an extreme example of an abortion experience?” Actually, no. Mine was a routine suction abortion. Millions have been done. Why do women who’ve had an abortion have a higher incidence of suicide than other women? And why do the chances of losing a subsequent wanted baby double or even quadruple following a “safe, legal abortion”? Since when has death become good for us?

by Karen Sullivan Ables

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Mademoiselle, which is not known to be a pro-life magazine, describes a woman’s reaction to her abortion. This particular woman feels that the abortion was the best thing she could have done, but she still suffers emotionally.

“At first, physical sensations overpowered her emotions; soon, however, her emotions came up. Even today, nearly two years later, she says she still thinks about what happened. A lot. She knows she did the right thing. But now, as she did that day riding home with her lover, she feels an ache that is not physical but emotional, as if there were some part of the process left undone.”

“Abortion: The Mourning After.” Mademoiselle Magazine, September 1983

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