June 26, 2000
…My boyfriend came in, and was ecstatic that I had gone through with it. As we drove away, I felt like I had forgotten something, or left something behind. We returned home, and his promise to me to be there with me, was totally false. He left me there alone. At first, I was relieved that it was over, and then I was hit by the most overwhelming, tremendous grief I had ever experienced. I was also experiencing very bad cramps. Four days after the abortion:
I got up to go potty, and felt that something was not right inside. When I wiped, I glanced down at the wad of toilet paper in my hand, and saw, my 12-week old fetus. It’s head was smashed, and it’s eyes were on either side of it’s head. It’s body was attached to the head, and only the right arm and hand remained. I was shocked and horrified by what I saw.
My boyfriend saw it to. He was standing in the bathroom shaving, while I went potty. He heard me say “oh my gosh”, when he turned to see what I was holding. He ran out of the bathroom, and kept repeating, “I didn’t see it, I didn’t see that, I didn’t see the dead baby.” I just sat there, with tears streaming down my cheeks, as I held my baby’s hand on my pinky, trying to find words to say, of why I failed this innocent child. I had tuned my boyfriend out, to where he was just some noise in the background. I later phoned the Dr.’s office that performed the abortion, asking them to clarify what I had seen. They criticized me, because, “a baby does not form until the last trimester”. They deceived me when they initially told me that. It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out what a miniature hand, with four fingers and a thumb looked like, or to know what it was I held in my hand that day. I sunk into a deep depression for two years, attended post abortion counseling through new hope church, where I was mostly made to feel guilty for “murdering my baby,” and “disappointing god.” At night, I’d lay awake in bed, sobbing quietly, so not to wake my boyfriend, who had turned from demanding, to insensitive and unsupportive, and couldn’t deal with me, given I simply just couldn’t “get over it”. My relationship with him ended. My experience did not benefit my life, only damaged me. If I had been fully aprised to the full impact, risks, etc., my position would have been different, homeless or not. I believe the abortion doctors deceive a person….
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