Category: Men and Abortion

James McNeill married a woman who had 2 abortions in her past. He says:

“When I would bring up the idea of having children, Kathleen would say things like, “I don’t deserve to be a mother.” It started to dawn on me that unresolved pain, shame, and grief related to her abortions were at the heart of her reluctance to have children. It was difficult to know how to address what was clearly a painful and sensitive wound in a way that would be helpful.

One time I said, “You can’t sweep your abortions under the rug forever.”

She said, “If I didn’t sweep them under the rug, I couldn’t live with myself.” Kathleen had stuffed the pain and hurt deep down inside herself in order to cope, but in doing so she walled off an area of her heart that could’ve otherwise been used to love herself and me. The price of avoiding the issue was taking a terrible toll on Kathleen and our marriage.

As the years passed, she was increasingly unable to completely squelch the emotions that came from her post abortion pain and grief. She would occasionally freak out, scream at the top of her lungs, throw things, and break things. She told me she fantasized about cutting herself, and burning herself. I felt so powerless and confused, and I had no idea how to help her, except to calm and soothe her in the moment. I was unable by myself to help her face her abortions and embrace a future that included having children. No matter the tactics, or entry point to the discussion, we wound up at odds, and back to square one when it was over. It was like banging our heads against a brick wall.

One of the hardest things to live with was the fact that our relationship itself was held up as proof that the abortions had been the right thing to do. Kathleen would say to me, “I can’t imagine my life without you, and if I had had the two children, I wouldn’t have you, so the abortions must have been the right thing to do.” What you say in response to statement like that? To have our love serve as justification for abortions hurt deeply, and I felt powerless to do anything to help her or us.”

As things became more difficult in the marriage, they went on a Marriage Encounter retreat to work on their differences:

“About a year after the Marriage Encounter retreat, Kathleen was experiencing some serious depression she could not explain. Her violent screaming and destructive outbursts were worse than ever. She started seeing a psychiatrist, but visit after visit seemed to go nowhere… It is worth noting that many therapists on both sides of the abortion issue are ill-equipped to treat postabortion women and men. Many psychiatrists – like the rest of society – do not even recognize postabortion trauma or grief. Even counselors who are willing to recognize abortion related symptoms often lack the knowledge and resources to offer practical, effective treatment of this trauma.”

James and Kathleen discovered Rachel’s Vineyard, an organization for postabortion women and men (and, increasingly, others affected by abortion) and Kathleen felt great healing at a retreat for postabortion women.

Kevin Burke, David Wenhoff, Marvin Stockwell Redeeming a Father’s Heart: Men Share Powerful Stories of Abortion Loss and Recovery (Bloomington, IN: AuthorHouse, 2007)

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On LifeSiteNews, a man gave his testimony of regret after his girlfriend Kelly had 2 abortions. Here is an excerpt.

“We became pregnant three months into our relationship. Kelly and I both grew up attending church and knew how our parents felt about sex outside of marriage, so that seemed to leave very few options for us. Kelly convinced herself she had to have an abortion so that we could try to hide what, honestly, our parents already knew was going on. Her friend took her to have the abortion, and we never discussed it.

Within one month, however, we found ourselves pregnant again, and we aborted the second child just as quickly to hide our shame.  This time, I took her to the clinic.  As I sat there in the waiting room, I could hear crying and saw women come out with tears running down their faces.  This scared me because I was told “this was just a small procedure and it wouldn’t hurt Kelly or the tissue at all.”  In my heart, I knew this was a baby, not tissue.

When Kelly came out, she was groggy and looked to be in a lot of pain, which made me furious about the lies we had been told. As we drove home, neither of us said a thing.  We sat in silence as I contemplated our decision.  Sadly, because of my inability to be a man, I put it all aside and we went on with our relationship.

Kelly and I eventually got married, but many years after the abortions I realized I was in pain.  My inability to protect those I was entrusted to care for created a domino effect of bad choices.  …  I self-medicated my pain with pornography and alcohol and searched for ways to find my voice …. I was a broken man with a broken wife, two children in heaven, and was trying to pick up the pieces of what my indifference had done. I watched Kelly find healing from the abortions and eventually decided I needed help, too. The healing process made me realize that I was meant to be a Daddy to those two children and that my silence never allowed me to be that for them.”

Read the whole testimony here. 

Matt Clinger “The curse of Adam’s silence – a MAN’s post-abortion testimony” LifeSiteNews Jan 20, 2012

Read more testimonies from men who suffered after a partner’s abortion(s)

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A couple aborted their baby because he or she would’ve been handicapped. In this quote, the mother is talking about her partner’s reaction:

“I think it’s real for him, but there’s just a real difference in how the experience feels. I mean, he doesn’t experience it in the same way, it wasn’t as much of a personal loss, it was a different kind of loss for him. He’s very closed off about his own emotions, and it’s something that he doesn’t articulate, and he doesn’t want to articulate, he prefers to get away from it. He grieves differently… I kept a journal the whole pregnancy, and I wanted to burn that journal to finish it that way… And he couldn’t do it, he just couldn’t do it. The most he could do was read it privately – he absolutely had to do it by himself – and then he had to put it away, he couldn’t burn it… We approach life differently; I just have to respect his way of doing things.”

Rayna Rapp Testing Women, Testing the Fetus: the Social Impact of Amniocentesis in America (New York: Routledge, 1999) 260

This quote shows that both men and women sometimes grieve after abortion. Abortion is not the easy, quick solution it seems to be, whether the couple is aborting because they do not want a baby or aborting because they do not want their disabled baby in particular.

Read more about men’s reactions to abortion here.

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A British man discusses his girlfriend’s abortion:

“Becoming a parent is supposed to be one of the most exciting – and of course scary – moments in the journey of life and losing a child is said to be one of the worst. Now, I found myself tasting both sensations at once. I had quickly come to terms with the prospect of parenthood, before fighting in vain to save the life I helped create. Nothing can describe the profound sense of powerlessness that comes with watching someone terminate a life that you helped create. I felt alone in a sea of pain, desperate to keep afloat.

Despite my best efforts, Jenny went through with the abortion. The pregnancy was over and, weeks later, so was our relationship. Six months later, she got in touch and suggested that we meet again. But the pain was too great and we parted ways for good.

Wounds do heal over time – even deep ones – but scars remain. Eight years later, I find myself incredibly blessed with a beautiful, bright and loving wife, a 19-month-old son and a daughter due in January. At times, I can’t help but look into my son’s deep grey-blue eyes and wonder what his older brother or sister might have been like.

Sadly, my story is not unique; other men have experienced the same anguish. …”

Tony Perry “‘I wish I could have prevented my girlfriend’s abortion’ Telegraph 12 Sep 2014

Read more stories of postabortion men and information on post-abortion trauma here. 

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