Author: Tech

As I walked into the abortion clinic in the Washington D.C. hospital on April 6th, 1988, I was immediately given a valium to calm me and probably to keep me from backing out. My $750 was taken from me right away and I could not get it back no matter what.

In the waiting room there were at least 20 other women. One was 8 months pregnant and said she waited this long to save up enough money.

I thought to myself that that was too late to have an abortion. I was convinced that at 16 weeks, it was only tissue right now. A sonogram was given, but I was not allowed to look at it. I then had to have a psychological evaluation to make sure I was in good mind to go through with it. It took 5 minutes and even though I was crying and shaking, they said I was okay. When they saw that I might back out, they were like salespeople trying to make a sale. Then, it was time.

I was given no anesthetic and was strapped down to the bed. I then went through the most traumatic and painful experience I have ever had. I screamed uncontrollably and the nurses were screaming at me to “shut-up”. If I moved, my cervix and uterus would be destroyed. I could feel pools of warm blood oozing down my thighs and the suction was so powerful that it felt like my entire insides were being pulled out. When I begged them to stop and asked if it was over, they replied, “we have to make sure all the parts are here”. Parts? I thought this was “tissue”? I pushed a nurse out of the way and there I saw, my precious baby boy in pieces. There were body parts just tossed in a beaker. They quickly hid the evidence from me and sent me to recovery. The room had a few other girls and we were all in the fetal position, weeping. I was sent home with no plans to recheck me later and as I walked to the bus, I bled so badly that it soaked through my pants and down my legs. I arrived home and my parents kept asking how I was. I convinced them that everything was great , it was easy.

Quickly, I crawled into my bed and wept feeling sad and empty and saying over and over, “I am so sorry”. After that day, the abortion was never mentioned and completely blocked from my mind until I started experiencing Post Abortion Syndrome. May God have mercy on their precious souls.”

In Memory of my son Christopher December 1, 1987- April 6, 1988

Today was the first day that I visited your site. I have already realized the huge mistake I made by having an abortion, but this site made me realize it even more. If I would have found this site before there is no way in hell I would have ever gone through with it. I had the most horrible experience with my abortion and am very depressed, it wasn’t even a month ago when it happened. Here is my story:

I am 19 years old and I found out I was pregnant on November 20, 2002. I had a difficult time being pregnant, I was having morning sickness every day all day, I couldn’t eat or sleep, all I could do was lie around being nauseous and puking. My boyfriend is 20, we have been together for 2 years and I have always wanted a baby but he was always against it until we were “ready”. When he found out I was pregnant it was very hard for him and he made it very clear he didn’t want the pregnancy to continue and at the time I began to think it wasn’t time as well. So I went ahead and agreed to have the abortion. I went the day before my abortion and signed all of the papers and heard about the procedure, I was told I would be in minimal pain and that I would be fine. So I went home and followed the instructions I was given until the procedure. I went in the next morning, I was having thoughts of changing my mind but I thought it was something I HAD to do. So I went through with it. The nurse called me in and they took my temperature and then put me in a room. The lady came in and gave me a pap smear and then began to insert the lamineria (seaweed that helps dilate cervix) into my cervix, this was so painful. As soon as she was done I began vomiting violently and crying. When I was able to walk, I went to the waiting room where my mom and aunt were waiting for me. I couldn’t even walk I was in so much pain. I spent the next 2 hours screaming and crying in pain. After those 2 hours I went to where my abortion was to be performed, when I walked in the waiting room there were about 20 other girls there waiting to kill their babies like I was. The nurse called me in and put me in a curtained room with a bed. There where about 25 little curtained rooms with other girls doing the same thing., The nurse came around and gave us all a valium and a vicadin. I passed out for God knows how long and then the nurse came and woke me up and told me it was time. I walked into an all white, very, very bright room. I saw all sorts of machines and a bed with stirrups. They put me in the bed and began what would be the worst 5
minutes of my life. The nurse removed the seaweed and proceeded to “clean me up”. Then the doctor came in, oh my god I was so scared, I wanted to just get up and go home but it was too late. He sat in the chair and opened my cervix with his fingers, I was told I was given a local anesthesia, but I didn’t feel the needle and I felt every second of the procedure, I am convinced it wasn’t administered. The nurse I had met the day before came in and held my hand. He started the suctioning and I started screaming my head off. I felt like he was ripping my insides out, it was the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life. I spent the whole minute and a half with my face buried in the nurses stomach screaming for him to stop. I never in a million years imagined it would be like that. At that very second I realized I should have listened to myself and not gone through with it. The doctor got up and left and the nurses cleaned me up as I screamed and cried. I sat up because I needed to throw up, the nurses quickly pushed me back down, but not before I
saw the pieces of my poor baby in a clear plastic jar. I lost it. Another nurse came in and wheeled me to the recovery room where all the other girls were. Then 10 minutes later they told me I had to go home because they were closing. So I got my instructions and went home. This was at a major medical care provider, Kaiser. I can’t believe how mean and inconsiderate everyone was. I was treated horribly and I don’t believe that anyone should have to go through this. I tell everyone now not to have an abortion because it will ruin their life. I can’t go an hour without crying and thinking about the baby I killed. I would do anything to take back that day, anything to have my baby inside of me growing, but I can’t.

I really appreciate this site it helped to know that other women are going through the same thing. No one around me really understands because they don’t know what I have been through. Thank you so much.

Sincerely,
Katie

As I sit here and write my heart is thumping like I just ran a marathon. I don’t talk about my abortions that much, 2 to be exact. Being a divorced mother of three, I convinced myself that “getting rid of it” was for the best. WRONG!!! I still have nightmares to this very day.

The second: I was engaged, living with my fiance, going to school to become an LPN, ideal I thought. But like an idiot, I did not get the reaction I wanted, needed or expected from him, so I figured it would be a mistake to keep it. I died that day at the clinic. Look a me, a nurse who had two abortions. Look at the irony. I am supposed to save lives, not willingly take them. I ended up breaking up with my fiance, because I started to hate him for not stopping me from getting rid of our baby, but in actuality I hated myself. And what made it really hard, one of my closest friends found out she was pregnant the same time I was. Her situation was somewhat less ideal: going through a divorce, out-of-state cheating husband and two children already, BUT she choose to have her baby, a girl. A year later, I still have not been able to see the baby.

And now I find myself pregnant again. A year to the date, almost exact. But this time, the father and I are not together. I asked him to leave, because I felt pregnant or not I could do better. I am happy, extremely to be pregnant. I haven’t been able to tell my mother yet, though. Almost as if I am waiting to tell her when I get so far along that she can’t suggest an abortion. I know she will tell me how dumb I am for keeping it, with my current situation. But the feeling I get from feeling this baby grow is awesome. At nearly 16 weeks, I can feel her, I know it’s a girl, move about. IT FEELS GOOD.

I forced myself to look at the pictures of aborted babies. Because I knew that facing what I did twice, would all the more make me proud for what I refuse to do a third.

Anon

I wish I could turn back time, I wish I would have made a better decision. I was in my early 20’s, I’m 37 now, mother of three beautiful daughters. I’ve never seen pictures like those on your site before. I wish I had of, because I would not have killed my baby. And I believe that’s what it is now – a killing – murder.

They told me that the baby wouldn’t feel anything, they told me it was okay to do it. Can you believe they told me that, and the baby was more than 16 weeks! they removed all the fluid and I was put into labour for the next 4-5 hrs or so, with a (probably) dead baby inside of me. They had me extremely drugged up, but I still remember phoning my family and friends all night from my hospital bed – I was crying so much. I’m so sorry baby, Oh my god, I wouldn’t have done it had I known the truth.

I wanted the abortion because I was a IV Drug abuser – very heavily involved in it. Also, I couldn’t have the baby’s father around anymore, because he was becoming violent. I thought the best choice was to let go of the baby, send him back to God, if you will. I thought it was the best decision – I didn’t know any better. I already had a two year old at the time…my mother took care of her most of the time. Now I’m the mom of three, and I’m clean and sober, although in bad health, but hanging in there. Loving my children so much, and trying to be the best mom I can be.

I am crying so much right now, because of the photographs on your site. I’m angry that they are there – well I was angry, but now I’m just feeling sad and guilty. How could I do such a disgusting thing to that sweet little baby?

I remember that i had to go to the washroom alot after they removed the fluid from the uterus, and they told me to put this large measuring cup across the toilet so that the baby wouldn’t fall in the toilet. At one point, some volunteers came in the room with magazines and I got up to get one, when I started bleeding profusely …there was blood everywhere. The volunteers ran to call the nurses and they told me to hurry to the toilet, and I did. I sat down, forgetting to put the measuring cup on the toilet, and the baby fell out – the baby fell right out of me and into the toilet. One of the nurses got mad at me and told me to go to lay down.

I am so sorry baby – I would never had done it had I known any better. So now I’ve seen your pictures and now I know that my baby was a “real baby” with arms and legs and everything else. What kind of person can do such a thing. It makes me hate myself. I hate myself for doing that. I didn’t want to put him up for adoption though, because I was adopted and I couldn’t put that kind of pain onto my own child. I couldn’t carry a baby for 9 months and then just let him go to strangers! Now I would, after seeing the truth. Or maybe I could have kept him, and my mom could have help me, just like she did for my other child.

Please put this letter up on your site…Please show others how terribly wrong it was for me to do this. I want to help. I will never promote abortion again. I’ve always thought that it was nobody’s business what women did with their bodies – Now I do not believe that anymore. I am now on your side.

Do you think that little baby I aborted many years ago, forgives me? Do you believe that he can see me from heaven and that he knows I was his mom? I need to know that I’ve been forgiven for this.

I want to help spread the truth. Please tell me how I can help.

Thank you for showing me the truth – thank you so much,

Victoria

I’m 19 and had an abortion last July when I found out I was 21 weeks pregnant! It was the biggest shock of my life.

I was away traveling at the time and had no idea I was pregnant!

When I found out I had about 2 days to decide what I was going to do with my baby as I was so far along.

I knew deep down I had to get rid of it; I couldn’t afford to keep it and didn’t know what my boyfriend’s parents would think. We were traveling at the time and would of had to come home with no where to live and no money, it just wouldn’t have been fair on a child. I always wanted my child to have a stable up bringing where I could give it everything it wanted.

The day I found out the doctor put this machine against my tummy and I could hear the baby’s heart beat! As he couldn’t be sure how far along I was I had to go to a hospital the next day to have a scan, I lay on a bed on what should have been one of the happiest days of my life with my boyfriend waiting out side for me as the nurse showed me the baby, I could see it moving!

I went to a clinic to see about having an abortion but they wouldn’t do it for me as I was so late on, in fact the doctor was horrid to me and a felt so awful. I should have realized what I was doing was wrong then. In the end we found a clinic that would.

I was dilated over a 2 day period one day I felt my baby kick and the next day it was still. I hated it. on the day of my operation I didn’t know really what I was doing. I was so drugged to the eyeballs and in the most agonizing pain, I remember thinking to myself what am I doing, I lay in a bed thinking that if it wasn’t for my boyfriend waiting for me I wouldn’t mind if if I died right here with my baby.

my most vivid memory is being walked to theater and looking around at where I had just been sat to see it covered in blood! I lay on the bed been given my anesthetic and said over and over again in my head good bye and sorry to her and told my boyfriend I loved him.

I have since returned back home, where my life has just been a complete mess. me and my boyfriend split up when I became severely depressed, I suppose it was my fault because I didn’t want him to know I made the decision for him. I can finally admit that! I was stupid and tried to hide my feelings.

i didnt recieve much support from him i was left to deal with the guilt on my own, i don’t think he understood what i was going through, i heard about a programme which was going to be shown on TV and i knew i had to watch it as i still didnt know what had happened to her. I got hold of my boyfriend and told him to watch it and for the first time i think he understood.

i couldn’t believe what i had done, people kept talking about it saying how disgusting it was for people to do that! My friend who has no idea what i did mentioned about this website so i had to have a look. If only id seen this sooner i would never have done it.

i wasn’t told in the clinic what i was doing, and if i was i would never have done it.

i sat here and started to shake i couldnt breathe, i wasnt crying but tears fell from my eyes, i turned my computer off and was sick!

I have started to come through my depression now, believe me i never thought i would. i hate myself for what I’ve done.

There is not a single day that i dont think about her, and due to being so naive and stupid i lost the two people ive loved the most in my life!

If only i had found out the truth about what i was doing sooner my life would be completely different. i killed an innocent baby and i deserve all the unhappiness i have in my life after all im a murderer arent i?

as im sat here now crying my eyes out all i can do is say sorry to her. I honestly never knew the truth.

anon

Growing up I never really paid any attention to the choices that I had… how could I, I was just a kid. Now, I’m 22 years old, last June (almost a year ago) I had my first and last abortion. I remember the day so clearly, it was the day after mother’s day (how ironic), I remember my best friend had picked me up from school, on the way home I started to feel nauseated.

I felt so sick to my stomach that even the car ride home was doing me no good; in fact it just made me worse. As I got out of the car I threw up coffee that I had earlier that morning, my best friend looked at me and asked me if I had gotten my period for that month, knowing well aware that I didn’t, I told her that I didn’t remember. I went upstairs to my apartment and felt an overwhelming urge to keep throwing up. Feeling sick and having no strength, I called into work “sick” I told my boyfriend that I was going to stay home that night, he was worried because he didn’t know what was going on with me. He went ahead and left to work that night, about 2 hrs. Later I decided to go to my local rite-aid and buy a pregnancy test, somehow, I just knew that I was pregnant, I just knew it, but I needed something to confirm the truth. I decided to wait until my boyfriend got home from work that night; I was too scared to do this on my own. He came home a little after 12:30 midnight, I took the test, and it was the scariest 5 minutes of my life… after the waiting I looked at the stick, my assumptions were confirmed, and I was indeed pregnant! I remember my knees had weakened and I feel to the ground, my life of no responsibility had ended and I was not ready to be a mother.

I went to the doctor and still being in shocked had another pregnancy test done, I guess I was so in shock that I wanted to really make sure that I was pregnant. I remember crying my eyes out and feeling so confused and scared… after hours of talking about our decisions and possibilities, my boyfriend and I both decided to have the abortion.

There were so many reasons why we did this, and please don’t misconstrue that as an “excuse” but I wanted to give this life everything it deserved, struggling was not an option, I could care less if I struggled.

It’s been almost a year since my life and eyes have been opened up. After the procedure I cried and constantly thought about “what could’ve been” the truth is, what’s done is done, I can’t change the past decision or actions that I have made. I do know that if I ever do get the opportunity to have another baby, abortion is not an option; it was a mistake that was made once and only once, never again!

Ann

Where do I begin? I was 19 when I had an abortion which was only a year ago from this date. I was and still am engaged with a wonderful man but we were not financially able to support another child. I had one already and thought that I couldn’t handle anymore right now. My fiance was not sure what we needed to do ..either was I because I have always been against abortion.

Not wanting to make this decision we knew that we had to. We decided to have an abortion. I had no idea how it was done so I began to confide in others about it and even nurses from abortion clinics. They all told me that it was just a mass of undeveloped tissue and that it would not feel anything and that it was done and over with in no time! It was almost like they were trying to sale me the abortion! I made an appointment and we came up with the money to have it done….about this time I was 10 weeks. There were no abortion clinics where we lived so we had to drive a couple of hours. When we got there we payed for a motel room and had just enough money for the abortion and enough to get home. I went to the clinic and the people in there were so rude. There were 20 other girls in there at the time. Some were scared and some were sad and there were some that acted like it was no big deal. I was thinking to myself ..What am I doing here??? I wanted to leave but I kind of brain washed myself into thinking that it was the right thing to do. Well they called me into a room to get blood taken and to get an ultrasound. Then I went into a room for them to collect my money. After the ultrasound and blood work they told me that they could not do the abortion because its going to cost more money. Well I told them it was okay and I’ll just leave. Well they wouldn’t let me leave until I payed them for the ultrasound and the bloodwork. My fiance picked me up and we both thought to ouselves that maybe we should just have the baby but like I said I kept trying to brainwash myself into thinking that it was the right thing. We went home and my soon to be mother-n-law brings a tape and a price of paper that had some lyrics on it to a song. She said that she was walking out the door of her church and the minister stopped her and hugged her and said,” The lord put this song on my heart last night and all I know is I’m suppose to give it to you. She said she fell to pieces.How could he have known she thought! I played this song and it was a song about what the baby would be saying to the mother before and after the abortion was done… Me and my fiance were falling to pieces at this point! But we still made up our minds to do it. Even though we knew that God was trying to tell us not to we were so overcome with the worries of finances. We were barely making it at the time. I called around and found another clinic in Florida and made an appointment. No matter what…. it was so hard to try to come up with the money. EVERYTHING was going WRONG!!!!! So many times we were going to change our minds but we stayed with our decision. I prayed and prayed night after night that the lord forgive us and have mercy on us for what we were about to do. I even began to have nightmares about it. I haven’t had this procedure yet but it was already affecting me mentally. It was just a few days before my appointment and I was watching the news and they were having a big thing about abortion and how wrong it is and how they were trying to ban it totally! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. All these signs! The morning of my appointment ..we got in the car and the CAR WOULD NOT START! Can you believe this??? I knew at this point that there was definitely someone up above trying to get through to us and we both knew it! Being that we made our decision we got to the clinic anyway. We drove around for 3 hours trying to find a motel room since we were 3 hours from home. There was no vacancies! We finally found a room on the other side of town . I made it to my appointment 20 minutes late. They almost didn’t want to see me until they seen on the computer that I was there to hand them $475.00 for an abortion. Of course everything was okay then! right away they took me in a room to sit by myself. They treated my like I was royalty. The counselor came in and talked to me about the procedure and asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it and then had me sign some papers. She then collected the money. After that they put me back in the room by myself and played a video about the procedure and the video I watched was so far from the truth. The nurse came back in and I asked her if there was a way that they could tell me whether it was a boy or girl after it was all done. She told me NO and that it was just a mass of tissue and you wouldnt be able to tell. I was 15 weeks and 5 days at this point. Almost 16!
She told me that the doctor would be in to talk to me before he does the procedure. I waited… and here he come. When I seen him I felt so uncomfortable. He had this blank look in his eyes like he had no heart or soul! I asked him a few questions and asked if there was anything for pain he said no and that they could only give me a gas mask and that would help keep me calm and not so aware of what was going on. Well I followed him into the room where they were about to kill my baby. They did an ultrasound to make sure how far along I was. They wouldn’t let me see the screen. He didn’t want me to know that there was more than just a mass of tissue in there! They gave me the gas mask and it made me a little cloudy at first until he started sticking those metal rods to open my cervix. I started screaming and arching off the table.All I wanted to do was get away! The cloudiness went away and I was experiencing the worst most excruciating pain in my entire life. The nurses started yelling at me and telling me to stop and that I was over reacting ! I begged him to stop….then he put the suction tube in me and turned on that awful machine and I heard parts of my baby being sucked out. The machine sucked so hard that it felt like all my insides were going too! I continued to scream and the nurses yelled at me and held me down. The procedure was only suppose to last for 15 minutes but it felt like forever! I thought that the pain was never going to go away and I thought I was going to die and wishing that I would. The doctor seemed like he was being so rough and mean…almost like he enjoyed causing pain. It seemed like the more I screamed …the worse he got! They gave me nothing to help with the pain …I felt everything!!! After it was over he didn’t say a word to me and got up and left to perform another abortion to the girl in the next room. I went to the recovery room and there were 2 girls in there already and they looked so empty inside. I was still crying at this point. I felt empty too. I felt so bad for what I had done. I still feel bad to this day about it and will never do it again no matter what the circumstance. I now know the truth about what happens to these innocent human beings. They are probably in heaven wondering why? Why did you let them tear me apart? Why couldn’t I make a choice? I never did anything wrong! All I wanted to do is love you! Listen to what your baby is telling you! You can hear it if you really listen. I never told anyone this till now but the night before my appointment. I had a dream that woke me out of my sleep …it seemed so real! I seen in my dream a little boy standing in front of me begging me not to do this to him! All I heard over and over was don’t do this to me, please mommy don’t do this to me! please please!
I’ll never forget that dream and I’ll never forget that little boy that I saw. I know that God forgives me but I don’t know if I could ever forgive myself but….. I am pregnant again and we are taking this as a blessing …almost like a second chance…..we are so excited! I’m 18 weeks now and have already developed a relationship with my unborn child. Thankyou GOD for giving us another chance. Think twice ladies before you decide to do this….if you know that you cannot provide, concider adoption and give this innocent being a chance! there’s more to it than just a surgery. It’s a big decision to make and a life changing one! LORD HAVE MERCY ON US ALL!

anonymous
Sealy, Texas