Woman who had abortion: My baby was at peace with it
From Dana, who had an abortion:
“I had established quite a connection with the baby. I thought it was a girl, I had named her, and I had my little relationship going with her. I talked to her all the time. The night before I kind of started this process of talking to her and telling her what was going on. And telling her, asking her how she felt about it. This may sound a little strange. And she understood, and she’s at peace with it, she wasn’t angry. She said to me that we would meet again, that she will come back in my life someday.…
And so [the abortionist] came and gave me a shot. It was a great drug. It was just so perfect. As soon as he gave me the shot, I just wanted to stay with… Like I stayed with her and made sure we were doing it together. So he gave me the shot and I took a deep breath and at the top of my lungs, screamed! [she laughs.] Freaked everyone out! But it felt great.
I said goodbye to her as she was leaving, and our goodbye was beautiful, and we both totally understood and were at peace with it. And that was the most important thing for me. I felt like I had… Like I was with her to the very end. Then I just started sobbing. I just let myself really let go. It wasn’t from fear or anger. Grief, and be in as much pain as I wanted to be in. And when I cried, I’ve never cried as deep before.…. And it felt really good to be screaming, to cry, and just be there with all the pain…
Abortion at 10 weeks. This is what happened to her baby.
I hear Jim crying, so I started opening my eyes. And there he was sobbing. Not crying, he was sobbing. I’ve seen him cry before, but he was choking and gasping and sobbing. And it made me feel so good, that he was feeling some pain over it. So we were there crying together for a little while… I was just really glad he was crying like that; then I felt like I wasn’t alone with it.…
I’ve been continuing to grieve when I need to, and allow myself to do that. There’s a part of the [religious] services, that if you want to mourn, you get up and say it. And I’ve been getting up to do that. At that time I picture her in my head, and it’s an opportunity to say hello to her, and so I feel like I’m continuously in contact with her…
Every time like I’m up in an airplane, in a cloud, I kind of see her. It’s a little strange, but I see her, clear as a bell, looking, little blonde Sarah. Sitting up there, happy as can be. She is like my little angel. I talk to her. So I allow myself… By being sad about it once in a while, as I’m continuing to talk with her and keep her a part of my life, it’s kind of evened out the whole grieving, the whole sadness about it. And I know she will come back into my life.”
Sumi Hoshiko Our Choices: Women’s Personal Decisionsabout Abortion (New York: Harrington Park Press, 1993) 108 – 109, 111
