“Maria” told her story:
“I was 16 when I got pregnant the first time. I was on the pill—actually, I was on the pill both times I got pregnant. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t get pregnant if you’re on the pill, because it’s a lie.
I knew I was pregnant at the moment of conception. I know it sounds crazy, but I felt the presence of another life like an epiphany. I know she was a girl the same way I knew I was pregnant. I can’t explain it. I just know. It seemed to be a foregone conclusion that I would have an abortion.
Everyone in whom I confided my situation presumed that’s what I would do. Not a single person asked me if I wanted my baby, or suggested adoption as an alternative.
In that echo chamber of voices telling me to kill my baby, my own voice was drowned out.
And so, my way of “not hurting” my daughter was to sentence her to death. A culture that had been obsessed with sexual pleasure longer than I’d been alive had brought me up to believe this was the lesser evil.
It bombarded me with stories of women going on to great successes after their abortions, without ever shedding a tear over the dead babies they left in their wakes. It whispered to me that nobody else regretted their abortions, so there must be something wrong with me for regretting mine.
And I believed it. I believed it so sincerely that I did the whole thing over again three years later. I felt the same heartbreak, shame, guilt, and lamenting regret afterward; yet if you’d asked me about it any time over the following 13 years, I would’ve given you 1,001 reasons why what I’d done had been the “right thing.”
I would never have admitted my secret sorrow, because I believed to do so would be to admit my defectiveness. And yet, I had a nagging feeling of empty despair, which ultimately led to an (failed) attempt to take my own life.
Every day since the deaths of my children, I have felt the two holes in my life where my son and daughter should be. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that your life will be more complete after an abortion, because it’s a lie. It will feel like something is missing for the rest of your life.
I’m telling my story with the hope that I might save even just one woman or girl from the suffocating sorrow I have felt all these years—and that I will continue to feel until the day I die.”
Jun 22, 2021 email from Live ActionShare on Facebook