ClinicQuotes

When I was 18, I became pregnant. When I first found out, I never thought of having an abortion as I knew it was wrong. I thought I would give the baby up for adoption. I phoned one of my sisters. She was shocked, of course and said she would tell our older sister, who called me later and suggested I think of having an abortion. She said it would kill mom if she found out and that I wouldn’t have the heart to give the baby up for adoption as I loved babies so much. She said she would set up an appointment with her doctor. I asked her if it was wrong because it was a baby. She told me that the fetus wasn’t a baby yet, it was just a blob of tissues and plasma. Feeling scared and trusting her statement that the fetus was not a baby yet, I let her arrange everything. I flew to [another city] to see her doctor and a gynecologist. I remember the gynecologist’s clean hands and cold manner. He made me feel so stupid for becoming pregnant. About a week later, I went [back there] for a week, lying to my parents about why I was going.

I would describe my abortion as the worst day of my existence. My sister drove me to the hospital and left after I had changed. A nurse took me to a bed to wait. Lying there waiting, I wanted so much to get up and leave. I didn’t want to go through with it. The nurse came and gave me something so the anesthetic wouldn’t make me sick. She asked if I knew why I was there. I said, “to have an abortion.” I really wanted to say, “to kill my baby.” I remember saying the sign of the cross over my tummy as if to baptize my baby. In the operating room, I remember them putting my legs in stirrups and commenting how long it was taking me to go under. Finally, I woke up after with terrible tummy pains and threw up several times due to the anesthetic. The nurse brought me some pain killers. My sister picked me up. She asked me if I felt relieved. I said, “I guess.”

After I returned home, I kept to myself. I didn’t get out with my friends. At college, I did homework in the locker room. About 2 1/2 months later, I visited the father. After spending a few days together I asked if he ever wondered what I had been up to in the last 5 months. I told him about the abortion. He felt bad and said he should have been with me. After that visit, we never really stayed in touch. That summer, I went a bit crazy and sent him pictures of aborted fetuses and what 11 week old fetuses looked like. I included an epitaph, “In loving memory of Stewart Maureen, Jr., October 7-December 11”. Looking back, I can’t believe I did that. But I wanted him to feel as bad and guilty as I felt. I think my sister felt bad about what had happened as she had introduced me to the father that summer. My other sister, I’m sure, felt we did the right thing. She supports abortion. No one else in my family knows. (Parents, two other sisters and a brother.)…
Throughout the years, whenever something hasn’t worked out or gone right for me, I tell myself it’s my punishment for what I did. And I suppose, even today, I have never really forgiven myself. I’ve tried to rationalize it, saying it was for the best, but here was no excuse for the abortion.

I even wrote a poem to the baby:

FOR MY LITTLE ONE

Forgive me.
I am sorry my baby, my little one.
You were killed by the one who loved you the most.
For the months I carried you,
Flesh of my flesh, flesh of his flesh.
I felt your every move, I could feel you
But I was too young, I did not know.
Your father, my little one, did not know you.
You are a boy, a man like him.
I call you Stewart William, like him.
You have curly, brown hair like him.
Your face is his face.
I love you like I love him.
I have no excuses.
I saved you from a world
Where babies are killed by the ones
Who should love them the most.
You are safe with God now.
If I should ever have another child,
You must remember that I will always love
You the most, my first baby.
Sleep well, my little one.

Very few people knew what happened. My parents and the rest of the family still do not. I wish I could go public and tell of my terrible experience but then it really would have all been in vain. The past few years, I have become a strong pro-lifer. I have read much on the issue including the arguments put forth by pro-choice. Not one of these arguments has convinced me that what I did was right. It was wrong on all accounts. I killed another human being and

I must live with that for the rest of my life…

I am presently completing my Bachelor of Education degree. My son and I live with my parents and will do so until I finish school. Whenever the abortion topic is brought up, I speak up and give my strong and well-supported arguments. I feel/know that there are no good reasons to abort. Adoption is the only alternative to those who don’t want the baby.

No one has the right to kill another human being. Because I have been through both scenarios. I feel I can make this statement. I know how it feels in both cases. Having my son, giving him life, has been the most rewarding experience of my life. I support all women who are faced with an “unplanned” child. Abortion is wrong and is an act of selfishness, greed and vanity. No woman should have to live in a society that makes them feel they have to “choose” abortion. The very fact that no one likes to discuss their abortion is proof enough that abortion is a terrible event in a woman’s life.

I know I’ve experienced post abortion syndrome and am slowly letting myself heal. I can’t change the past but I can help the future by sharing my ordeal.

From Abortiontv, a pro-life site:

Kari writes:

“I was in the 10th grade, and met the “man” of my dreams. He was wonderful, and we did everything together. By the time we had been dating for a year, and I was in the 11th grade, I started to have this funny feeling. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but something was different about me. I felt an all around change. After thinking for a while, pregnancy had crossed my mind. I blew it off though – thinking that because I was only 17 years old, I couldn’t be pregnant, but that feeling kept coming back until one day my boyfriend took me to buy a pregnancy test.

For days, he kept hounding me about the abortion. I kept telling him no. Then he started telling me that if I had the baby, he wouldn’t be there for me. He said that he wouldn’t be there for the birth, and he said that he would leave me. I was still determined to keep my baby. Then little by little, my wall began to break down. My boyfriend was going to leave me, and I loved him too much for him to leave me. Somehow, and I don’t know why, I started considering going through with the abortion. While at my vocational class in school, I got a phone book, and called a clinic near my home. I set up an appointment. I figured that if I wanted to, I could change my mind before then. I told my boyfriend that day that I had set up an appointment. He seemed all too relieved. I on the other hand was dying inside. I knew I wanted my baby, and I knew I wanted my boyfriend. So I went against what I thought was right, and tried to forget about the little baby that was growing within me. I had this emotional attachment with this baby, and I had to completely forget about it, because I wanted to be with my boyfriend.

My appointment was set for November 4th, 1999. I told my mom that I changed my mind, and she said that she would respect what ever I wanted to do. She asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it, and I said yes, even though I lied. I really didn’t want to. The day before the abortion, my mom had to go to the clinic and sign some papers with me since she couldn’t be there the day of. The nurses were very friendly, I suppose that’s how they sell their abortions.

The next day, I woke up early and drove to my boyfriends house. He was to take me to the clinic. As we pulled up, I felt cold and sick to my stomach, but in my mind, it felt like there was no turning back. I signed it, and was called to the back to fill out a ton of paper work, get some blood work done, and have an ultra-sound. Then I waited for what seemed like hours in the waiting room. I remember there was an older woman in there, who had brought her daughter in for an abortion. I looked at her, sitting in the corner, crying quietly to herself. I wish I would have walked out then, but didn’t.

My boyfriend acted childishly the whole time in the clinic. He even left me alone in there while he ran next door to 7-eleven to get something to eat. When he came back, they called me to go into the back room. I was put in this room, and given a gown. The nurse coldly told me to put on the gown, and leave my socks on. Everyone was so nice to me the day before, why was everyone being so rude to me now??? I sat in the nicely decorated room for about 10 minutes, shaking. I knew I didn’t want to go through with it. I wanted to start crying, but a nurse rushed into the room, and brought me to the room where my baby would soon die. The room looked like an ordinary doctors office room. Except for all of the machines in the corner covered with sheets.

Soon, a nurse dressed in green scrubs, and an older doctor came into the room. He introduced himself quickly and rudely, and instructed me to place my feet in the stirrups. I can remember looking up at the ceiling on the ceiling there was a picture of a monkey, and next to the money the phrase, “An apple a day, keeps the doctor away”. I couldn’t believe that was up there! Next thing I knew – I was being injected with some form of anesthesia. I became groggy but was instantly awake as soon as the doctor began the procedure. I remember thinking that I was going to die.

I had never experienced so much pain in my life, and I just cried, begging him to stop. I started jerking, trying to get away from him, but the nurse kept telling me to calm down, or I would hurt myself. I laid there and cried. I felt like my life had been drained from me. I remember wishing that it was. After the procedure ended, I was brought into the recovery room. There were two women on each side of me. One was sleeping heavily, and the other was sleeping with a smirk on her face, like she was happy about what she had just done. I on the other hand can remember looking at the vertical blinds on the window, feeling nothing but emptiness. Then I had realized what I had done. I killed my baby. My thoughts soon vanished when a young woman began screaming in the hall. She had just had the procedure done, and was being wheeled into the recovery room. She couldn’t walk, and was just screaming and crying hysterically. I just wanted to hug her and let her know that it would be okay. She calmed down, and I remember looking into her eyes. They looked blank, like there was no one there. I knew I had to leave. I told the nurse I was feeling fine (which was a lie) and she gave me my paper work, clothes, and prescriptions, and sent me on my way. I left the clinic that day, vowing to never return there.

The day after the abortion, I woke up early and found that I couldn’t walk. I was doubled over in pain. I was rushed to the E.R. to discover that there was an infection setting in quickly. They gave me several medications to take. I was soon feeling better a few weeks later. After I began feeling better, I also began feeling “relieved.” I began to feel “happy” that I had the abortion. For some reason, I felt happy that I didn’t have to worry about my boyfriend leaving me.

Those feeling didn’t last very long. By the time January came around, I was feeling terrible. I finally realized how stupid I was for killing my baby. I wanted my baby back so bad, and I knew that nothing I did could bring my baby back. I started slipping into a depression. I began skipping school, laying in bed, crying because I wanted my baby. I became violent towards my boyfriend for pressuring me into the abortion, and I completely ignored my friends. I eventually dropped out of school completely.

One day while watching TV I saw a commercial about abortion, and it said to call if your life had been affected by an abortion. I called, and found out that they offered classes for what I was going through. I immediately signed up and started the “Project Rachel” classes. I went to the 12 week classes, and came to realize that I was suffering from P.A.S.S. Post Abortion Stress Syndrome. I finally knew that I wasn’t alone. I started to come out of my depression, and tried to work on my feelings. My boyfriend and I were still together, and we often talked about our feelings on the abortion. He finally told me that he was sorry for pressuring me so much to have the abortion. He was just under a lot of pressure from him parents.

To this very day, I still have not forgiven him. I cannot forgive him until I forgive myself. We are still together – our four year anniversary is soon approaching as is the date of my abortion. Each year on November 4th, and months before, I get in a slump where I feel down, but this year, I am going to try and do something positive to remember my baby. On September 12th, I am starting school again. I will be going to Adult Education to get my High School Diploma. Things are starting to look up for me, though I am still suffering deeply from P.A.S.S.

I have found some comfort in “naming” my lost baby. I always thought that my baby would have been a girl, so I wanted to name her Anna Maria Contreras. Anna after my grandmother.

This story was published in March 2003 on a pro-choice website called Many Voices, Many Choices. It was quoted by Life Dynamics.

“I got pregnant in January of this year. When I found out I was pregnant I was scared but excited. I believed that I should keep the baby although I knew the timing wasn’t perfect. However, my family wasn’t thrilled about the idea of my being pregnant so I decided to abort.

….For me abortion has caused me much despair. It has been a month and I am more devastated now than ever. I feel guilt, and anger, and apathy towards almost all aspects of my life….Last week I went for my follow-up appointment. I had sent in a comment card stating that I wish a note had been provided to me regarding the delay in my abortion (I was in the operation room for 2 hours due to the stubborn cervix) and the outcome. I also stated that in lieu of a note it would have been courteous to inform my boyfriend what was going on since he was the last one in the waiting room and so much time had gone by.

They were rude: The nurse was curt with me and pretty rude about my negative comments. The same nurse then pulled out an ultrasound to show me my atypical cervix. That ultrasound showed my 9-week fetus, complete with arms and legs, prior to the abortion. I am now unable to go more than three or four hours without having the image of that unknowing baby nestled within my uterus. That image will haunt me for a while.

Emotional Pain: I was nervous about the abortion. I assumed I would be a little sad and that there would be pain. But the physical pain was a non-issue. The pain that I feel now is emotional and seems to have no end. I am doubting so much about my life now. I doubt my relationship, I doubt my family who merely expressed displeasure over my being an UN-wed mother (it would destroy them if they knew what I had done), I doubt my career, and I doubt myself. My world has turned upside down.

I wish more than anything that we had chosen to keep our child….

I can’t imagine someone having this done and not feeling despair at some point. It is not as easy as they make it sound. It is hard…. maybe even harder than having a child.

I was pro-choice my entire adult life. Technically, I still am. But I am angry that this decision was so easy for me to make. I am angry that my abortion clinic gave me a comment card similar to one you get at the Marriott and then was rude to me because I didn’t have glowing things to say about my experience. I am angry with myself for having been so weak.

 

John Ankerburg show
April 1, 1990.

Two women who had abortions told their stories:

“If the doctor would’ve told me that I was four months pregnant, I don’t think that I would’ve had an abortion. I would’ve considered it murder at that point – the baby’s heart was beating, the baby is developed really, and I would have never had an abortion. The doctor did not tell me anything about the D&E being dangerous. The doctor didn’t discuss anything to me about any risks. I wasn’t told one word. Nothing about, you know my uterus being burst through, and all these things happened… now, to my knowledge, I find out that they do have another baby, that it could probably kill me. I would never have had an abortion if I knew these horrible things could happen to me, cause that’s the only way to explain it. It’s not worth going through.”

Another testimony on the same show:

“When I was examined the doctor said that he had been mistaken, the baby was far more advanced than he had thought, and that it was 15 weeks, and I was really just in shock. Within a minute, I was aborted, waited a few minutes, and then I got up to get dressed. And when I went over to the dressing room, I saw bucket of blood. And, my baby was in the bucket of blood, and the baby was not an inch big, the baby was as big as my hand, and it was a real baby. All I could think of was that I had murdered my baby… I started deteriorating emotionally that night. Over the next month, I cried, not normal cries, I cried from the bellows of the earth. I remember just leaning at the top of my staircase, just wishing I could throw myself down to the bottom. I remember thinking of jumping on the roof and jumping off. I thought of every method of suicide, I tried to consider doing. And I cried so deeply, so constantly, and so deeply, it was like the wail of a newborn baby when they cry and their fists are clenched, and they just cannot control the crying and somehow I thought I must. It was the most extraordinary crying I could ever see myself doing.”

From a mother’s letter to her aborted child:

“It’s been a decade and still my blood runs cold and I catch my breath whenever I hear the word ” abortion.” Space there is an emptiness inside of me that can never be filled, a chill that has never quite been warned, a grief that will never end. To me you will forever remain an unfinished song, a flower that never bloomed, a sunrise clouded by rain.

Even during your last fragile moments of life, I wondered, “is my baby a boy or a girl?” The question ran through my mind again and again as I tried to block out the sickening sound of you being suctioned from my womb and from my life. I seemed to have a burning need to know whether I would’ve had a son or daughter, yet somehow I couldn’t bear to ask such an indelicate question of the doctor who stood smiling about me. Instead, I simply nodded in defeat and sadness, as this man in white patted my trembling hand and said, “now — aren’t you glad it’s all over?”

As I lay there drowning in my own blood, tears, and sweat, I could hear the nurses chattering about coworkers, new cars and clothes.

To these people, the extermination of your life is simply a job …. To those gathered in the sunny room in Philadelphia 10 years ago, it was just another day. To me, it was the darkest day I had ever known.”

It was difficult when I began to become depressed. The abortion issue began to surface in my mind, the acknowledgment of it. It has been repressed for a very long time. My husband never knew I had an abortion. It was not something I had ever told anyone. It was just part of my past. There came a point in time when I finally had to tell him because I had become a nonfunctional human being. I was doing nothing except sitting in a chair, starting at a wall all day long, thinking how I could kill myself.”

Anonymous, from D. James Kennedy, “Abortion: Reflections on Life (Ft Lauderdale, FL: Coral Ridge Ministries, 1989) p 13

“Abortion was the obvious solution. It would get me back to normal, keep me in control, spare me unnecessary pain. But after my abortion, reality parted company with rhetoric. The choice that was supposed to spare me the heartache of parting with my own flesh and blood tormented me with an overwhelming sense of loss from which there was no escape.

I was haunted by nightmares and flashbacks that were so vivid, so distressing, so out of control that I felt like I was falling apart. At times, I thought suicide might bring welcome relief.

I sought help from counselors and psychologists who denied that my abortion could bring me grief. Now what about my relationship with my father? My mother? No, I must have got it wrong. Abortion was a solution, not a problem….My life continued to unravel. I was referred to a psychiatrist, who gave me pills but no answers.

Life went on. I established a career in scientific/medical research (recombinant DNA technology) but I was never the same again, What I gained as a consequence was always tarnished by the cost…

When I realized that other women experienced grief after abortion, I was outraged. Why were women allowed- often encouraged- to proceed without regard for alternatives, or consequences? Why are they uninformed, sometimes lied to, when they were supposed to be making their own choices?…I have learned about and corresponded with grieving post-abortive women from throughout the country. None were prepared for the aftermath.”

Phillippa A. Peck “The Grief of Abortion” The Press (Christchurch, NZ) June 13, 2000

The following are from “What you should know before you choose abortion as your option” by Diane Monahan and Karen Sullivan-Ables, Heritage House:

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“When I returned home I had very heavy bleeding and severe cramps for two days. I was so afraid that something was wrong that I called Planned Parenthood who referred me for my abortion. They said I was okay without suggesting an exam. At my after-school job at a dime store, I went into the restroom. It was then I found my baby on my sanitary pad. He had arms and legs with tiny hands and feet. I could make out his little nose and a dark spot that I now know was his eye. Even after ten years, it’s still hard for me to think about.”

Kathy Bartlett, Waco, Texas

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“The next five days were a living hell for me as I contracted a gross infection called peritonitis. My fever soared rapidly and I remained in guarded condition for four days. One of the nurses said “It’s going to take more than prayer to pull this one out of it.” At that moment I knew I was on the verge of death…The reason the infection had set in was due to the fact that the abortionist did not abort my entire baby the first time around, making it necessary to repeat the procedure.”

Cindy Ortegus, Phoenix, Arizona

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“Planned Parenthood suggested only an abortion. No other options were ever discussed. They never said the word “baby”- only “fetus.” You can’t imagine my shock and horror when I saw my dismembered baby after my abortion. They deceived me. I’ve suffered severe emotional problems.”

Karen Sullivan-Ables, Taylor, Arizona

I came across your website because I wanted to know what went on while I was unconscious during my abortion. I was appalled to find out the things that I did and to see the pictures that I saw. the doctor who did my abortion told me that my baby was just a piece of tissue at 8 weeks old and I believed him. I was 15 years old, I thought that I was making the right decision. I was wrong and now I feel so bad. Patients should be told of what the doctors are doing. If I had know that they were going to rip my precious baby into a bunch of different part I would never have done what I did. If someone had told me or if I had seen this website earlier I would not have had an abortion. My boyfriend that I was with then and am still with now told me that he helped the doctor, he handed the doctor the tools that he used. He told me that the doctor asked him to help because there was no nurse or whatever to assist him. My boyfriend was worried about me and he helped the doctor because he didn’t want anything to go wrong. My boyfriend and I never talked about what happened that day, behind those closed doors at the clinic. We never talked about how much it hurt us until we found this site. Thank you so much for making this web site I think that everyone should visit here and get the real facts. I found out I was pregnant 6 months ago and now I am 6 and a half months pregnant and my child will have the right to live and not to be slaughtered. Again I want to thank you for this site and I want others to know what the doctors really do because they don’t tell you, they put you under a general anesthetic and they brutally kill your unborn child. It should be illegal and I hope someday that it will be.

Thank you. Kristin