I am 20 years old, and I always thought this would be too young for me to have a child, but when it actually ‘happens’ everything is so different. I’ve been with my ex only a couple of months, before he broke up with me. He started saying I was different, getting so emotional and stuff… A week after he broke up I found out I was pregnant. When I told my friends, it was obvious for them that I’d get an abortion, and for my ex, it was not even a question. He is the only one I eventually told I wanted to keep it, and he was hysterical, telling me he was not ready for a child (can’t forget to mention he’s a 28 year old insecure about anything that resolves around money, even if he’s doing fine).
Back then, I thought that, since that’s what he wanted, it’d be better for our relationship. Now that I knew my ups and downs were caused by the pregnancy, I thought he’d forgive me for being such an idiot. I eventually told my parents about it, my mom was very supportive, but on the other hand, my dad kept saying ”you know it would not be good for you, you have so much more to live…” I could see he was devastated. I ended up taking an appointment, without even really thinking about it… trying to make the thoughts of wanting to keep the baby go away.
The fact of me being a single mom is never something that bothered me. I’m independent, I have a good job, and I don’t mind taking care of it myself. But, the only thought of really being all alone, without having my friends and family supporting me was making me feel so insecure. I was so scared of loosing it all, and now I know I would not have ”lost it all”, because my best friend and my dad (the ones I thought would not support me) would have eventually accepted it, and I know it.
I went to the appointment, with my ex boyfriend, and did it. I laid, closed my eyes, and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was hysterical. I kept crying, feeling like they’ve taken away a huge part of my body. I felt so empty. In 15 mins my whole life changed. I was getting used of having a little baby inside of me, and it felt like they had just taken away the only thing that was keeping me from falling apart. I was going through a lot when my ex left me. I felt so abandoned. On top of that my best friend, who is also my roommate, would not even understand me while I was pregnant. My food cravings, fatigue and nausea were annoying here.. As if she could not associate all of this with my pregnancy because she knew it would soon going to end, so she did not try to realize I WOULD actually still be pregnant until my abortion. Saying ”I’m going to get an abortion” does not mean it all goes away… So, while I felt everyone was just abandoning me, this little thing right inside my belly was the only thing that gave me a reason to try to be ”OK”. At night, when going to bed, I kept crying, but always felt better when thinking I was not alone.
After a while, the situation with my ex got worse. I felt so mad at myself for caring about his feelings.. He had no right to tell me what to do with my body… and him being that much of an asshole with me after the abortion felt like a slap in the face. Everything I thought I was, I wanted, and also how people were was all flipped upside down. And that made it all worse, I felt like this would all kill me. I wished I could just go to sleep for a couple of months. Felt like this was just too much, too much in a year, too much for a lifetime… I was still grieving (I’ve also lost someone i was really close too only a couple of months before that), and felt like ”this” experience was way too much for me to handle.
Now that it’s all said and done, I mad at myself for listening to others instead of my own feelings. I cared about people who could not even try to care for me. Now that it’s over, everyone’s acting as if it never even happened, but every night I go to sleep crying, and wake up the next morning, put on my brave face and try to convince myself everything’s gonna be OK. What hurts the most is thinking I’m never going to go back to that person I was before. It is now part of my story and I have to live with it. I’m mad at myself in a way because I always told my self I’d never be that ”person”. I have to carry these regrets on my shoulders, and everyday I wish this has not been a life-changing experience for me, but it was…
This abortion changed so much in my life, and in my perception of how I want to live it. Now I am being a little more selfish, thinking about my own feelings first, and I guess being that depressed has its reasons… Everything happens for a reason. I guess when I’ll get pregnant again, this feeling of emptiness will go away, but until then, I know I still have a lot to go through. Unfortunately, this experience really did change my life, and now everything seems so blurry. I am slowly going to heal, and I know it, I know I am grieving, and eventually, the guilt will also go away, but I wish I could just fast forward my life, and make it all go away…