It’s been about 3 years now since i walked through the doors of that clinic. And for the first time in 3 years I have had noone to talk with about the fears, sadness, and emptiness that i felt. When i was 18 i was pregnant and for sure intended to keep the baby
I gave birth to my son who is now 4 years old. Shortly after i had him, i become pregnant again. I cried for days wondering what i was supposed to do…my boyfriend (now my husband) tried to comfort me in every way possible. I thought i could never tell my parents that i was pregnant again, what would they do and what would people think of me. That was all that was going through my selfish and self-centered mind. My boyfriend would not hear of an abortion and kept insuring [sic] me that everything would work out for the better.
It turns out that after lots of nights crying and pondering on what to do…I found myself flipping through the yellow pages to look for an abortion clinic. There are only two in Wichita which i am pretty sure everyone is pretty familiar with because of the controversial in the many cruel years of abortion. I called a clinic and spoke with the secretary and i remember the first thing she asked was how i was going to pay for the procedure. She immediately informed me that if i had medicaid it would cost me only 250.00 out of my pockets. And so with that in mind she set up and appointment for me, and still in the back of my mind i kept telling myself that i had to do this for the sake of everyone.
The day came for me to go to the clinic…alone. When i approached the clinic i parked next door so that the protestors would not come up to me. That still did not stop them…I remember a lady with long hair pulling at my arm, “Don’t let them take your baby away from you!” With that i ran off in fear and approached the door which had a huge black man guarding the door. Inside i walked up to the front desk and again the secretary asked for the money in cash first off. I remember the faces and the clinic like it was yesterday. All the time i was sitting waiting for my turn I kept saying to myself that I was better than the others in there and that I really wasn’t a murderer because my situation was different. But as you and i know…I was just as bad as the doctor preforming the procedure. The total time that i spent waiting in the clinic was about 3 hours before i was called in and the reason i think women have to wait so long is the fact the God is giving us a final test to see if we would actually go through with it. When the nurse called me in….my heart beat a million times faster and thousands of images ran through my mind that i don’t even remember what the counselor was talking about. The clearest thing in my mind at that point was hearing a very young girl about the age of 13 crying because she had just had the procedure done. That should have been my wake-up call, but even that did not stop me from killing my baby. The nurse did the sono. and told me that i was 8 weeks. Then the doctor came in and ask me if i wanted to be sedated and i told her no because i had to drive home. The whole procedure took about 15 min. and to this very day i can hear the loud and haunting noise of the vacuum that sucked the life of my little baby out. I can still feel the sharp tool that poked inside my womb to tear up the precious little individual inside of me. After everything was done the nurse took me to the recovery room where there were about 6 other girls all curled up like a fetus just crying….I wondered why i was the only one not crying. After about 10 min. i got up and left.
That night and the next night i remember pains that were unbearable and bleeding that just soaked the entire comfortor. I called the clinic the next day and asked if this was common and the nurse told me that everything should stop soon and that i would go on with my life…Boy was she wrong.
I am married to the same man and now have 3 healthy and wonderful kids whom I wouldn’t give up for the world. And still to this day noone knows of the terrible sin i committed 3 years ago. I am afraid to tell my husband because i love him with all my heart and dont know how he would handle all of it. If anyone out there has and opinion on how i should handle it please feel free to respond. They say that you go on in life forgetting all about the past and never have to bring it up again. That is the one thing that i could not do…for the past 3 years that have gone by not a day goes by that i dont think about the child i chose to kill…I think about whether it was a boy or a girl and that he or she could have been 3 by now. Sometimes i lay in bed crying to myself in disbelieve of what i have done and i dont think i could ever forgive myself for ever doing that and i always pray to God that he forgives me. I ask forgiveness from my heavenly child and hope that one day we will be united so i can put my arms around my child that never had the chance at life. I know the choices i made, the actions i took and now i know that i am still paying the price. I wish only to see this site 3 years ago because i know for a fact that i would never had gone with the procedure, I cant take back what i have done but i can only pray for others and help anyone who might be considering and abortion because now i am the biggest Pro-Life supporter! And i know and believe that if all Pro-lifers keep doing what we are doing than we can save one baby at a time!
Anonymous
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