Christian woman who had abortion: “I can never forgive myself”`

One young woman, who was a devout Christian when she became pregnant outside of marriage, wrote about her abortion:

“I remember beating on my stomach and yelling furiously at God. “Take this baby… There isn’t a baby in me… Lord why would you scorn me by giving me another child… What have I done so wrong to be punished like this?” I hated myself! I believed God hated me too…

I hid from the church. To me, there was not enough room for a sinner like me. I had already brought enough shame on to my family. Why go to the church of saints and have them pray for someone surely going to hell? I believed this was Satan’s way of cursing me and I thought that God had allowed me to fall. The only thing I could think of doing to resolve this problem was to get an abortion…

They laid me on the table to give me an ultrasound… Had I heard a heartbeat I would’ve gotten up and ran out of that building. But the machine did not have sound. I could’ve opted to take this pill to abort at home but I did not. I guess I was already ashamed, why agitate the situation by having to look at the child I killed…

I opted to not get painkillers or any anesthesia. I wanted to feel all the pain my baby was going through. I wanted to remember that moment. To always think about it when I decided to have premarital sex.

I went into another room. The nurse told me to pull my bottoms off and place a paper sheet over me. The doctor came in to talk to me for a short while (another possible escape). They said, “There will be pressure.” The machine came on and instantly I wanted to cry. The nurse held my hand. … I did not feel much pain, that is until I saw the glass jar the doctor tried to hide. It was filled with my baby…

I know God gives us grace for our actions and choices. I however, can never forgive myself!”

LaDina Anderson Killing Grace: A Rise to Restoration (2016) Kindle edition

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Author: Sarah

Sarah is a member of the board of The Pro-life Alliance of Gays and Lesbians.

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