Category: Women’s Stories

Another woman posted a story under the heading “I’m Pro-Choice But….

Here is an excerpt:

“It is the worse feeling in the world, to know lying on that table, that you can’t take it back. I have struggled with depression, flashbacks, anxiety and a big sense of loss. I also struggle with guilt, the guilt of having actually taken a life, yes a life. I believe now that life begins at conception. No it didn’t look like a peanut, or a glob of jelly; it had arms, legs and eyes and moved around, although it was too early for me to feel.

I was 9 weeks. I lost my life after i lost my child, i had to give up my apartment because i was too unstable to stay alone, and the memories, well they were overwhelming…..”

 

I am a 20 year old woman who had an abortion 3 yrs. ago. I think it is appalling how these clinics lie. I was nine weeks pregnant and they told me my baby looked like was a piece of skin, that is had no heartbeat,or feeling. I had a friend recommend me to this website and I know its murder, and I know that if the clinic would actually tell the truth, there wouldn’t be so many abortions. There is so much pain involved, not only physically, but mentally as well. That clinic never told me that I would feel bad about this later, or that it reduces my chance of having kids, or about the risks of breast cancer. All they wanted was my money. They don’t care about these women, all they care about is getting that abortion done, and getting the money. I really like your site and I wish you the best of luck!
Please just sign me,

Anonymous

“I’m so sad… I’m so regretful for what could have been. …. Will I ever get over my regret? I want my baby back. …. I wish I would have thought through it more. I wish I would have taken the time to visit old friends I haven’t seen in a long time… who have little children in their thirties. But I didn’t… I was feeling pressed for time. As the more time that went by, the more attached I got. I was confused, I felt fat already and uncomfortable in my clothes. I wasn’t married. Didn’t want to get married… But would love to hold another big, fat healthy baby. I knew, with this one, there would be no arguing, no divorce or custody issues. I would be with this baby each and every day of its life. But its life never came to be… I’m still so sad… I feel I made the wrong choice. I believe in Pro-Choice… but why aren’t those clinics given more counseling requirements. Why couldn’t they be forced to make me wait another day or week? Perhaps I would be a very happy expecting mother… Now I’ll never know whether or not I made the right choice. I’m still so sad.”

I’m 23 I had a termination when I was 18. I had no idea how far I was, and I was in two minds.

The doctors and nurses seemed like they didn’t have any time for me. If only I was offered a scan then my baby would have been here now. I still regret what I done. Every morning when I wake up my baby is the first thing on my mind and the last at night. I still brake down and cry. When I had the operation the moment I woke up I felt empty. I knew I made the wrong decision. I don’t know what to do because I’m so depressed. I know now that I was talked in to doing it from my boyfriend and his mum. I torture myself by seeing those photos but its because I hate myself. If you are in two minds never ever go ahead with the termination. NEVER NEVER let anyone talked you in to it. My heart brakes when I think about what my baby was going through. Even the day when my boyfriend drove me to the hospital I was sobbing thinking this little person doesn’t know what his/hers mum is about to do to you. My boyfriend still kept saying shut up its the right thing. Why did I do it? I was a selfish bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EK

A woman who calls herself pro-choice wrote the following:

“I just want my child back and I can never have that. (Expletive), I am never going to heal from this. I’m just going to live in regret, agony, and tears for the rest of my life. I have no purpose.

For a few fleeting moments my purpose was to be a mother and all that is gone now and I am left with nothing. And the would-be daddy? He didn’t give a (expletive). He just wanted me to kill it. He never cared one ounce about his child I was carrying. He didn’t want the responsibility even though he was physically and financially able to give his child the life it deserved. So now here I am. Alone. Empty. Utterly empty. Nothing can replace the child I wanted more than anything when I found out I was pregnant. But that chance has passed and now I am left alone. Crying. Alone. Inconsolable. I no longer have a purpose except to be miserable.”

This quote can be found on this page.

She describes why she had an abortion here.

“What is making it so difficult for me is the fact that I didn’t want to have an abortion. When I found out I was pregnant I wanted the baby. I knew I couldn’t handle an abortion, I knew I didn’t want one, I knew as I sat in the clinic crying I should leave but I didn’t. I got on that table crying, shaking, being told by the nurses I needed to calm down so they could give me the anesthesia. It was horrible. It was traumatic. I don’t know why I didn’t leave. I let TK convince me if I did it everything would be OK, that he was going to take care of everything and make it better. I knew in my gut that was not going to happen. I knew I shouldn’t abort my child but I wanted to believe in the impossible. I wanted to believe that if I did it magically TK and I were going to have some kind of wonderful relationship. We didn’t have a relationship before I got pregnant, why would I think we could have one after? I longed for what I had never had – love, family, someone to be there for me. I knew if I kept the baby TK was going to shut me out so stupidly I did what he asked me to, I aborted my baby.”

This week has been a complete hell.

Someone asked if I had heard about the doctor in Orlando who has been in a lot of trouble, and when I searched for news about it, I realized it was James Pendergraft, the doctor who did my abortions.

He has now had his medical license suspended for the FOURTH time, this time for performing late-term abortions past the time when they are legal.

When I saw a picture of the clinic, I crumbled. When I saw a picture of the doctor, I began weeping and I couldn’t stop.

Every sight, every sound, every feeling came back. I can still remember the poster on the ceiling. It was the last thing I saw before I fell asleep from the anesthesia, and the first thing I saw when I woke up.

The article was full of stories about women like me…ones who have suffered for months, even years, because of incomplete abortions.

There was a woman who was awake and saw her baby being pulled from her as his body fell apart in the doctor’s hands. They had her frantic 911 call as she decided she wanted the baby to live after seeing that it actually IS a baby, but no one at the clinic would help. By the time the ambulance arrived, the baby was dead.

It’s an uncomfortable subject…because if I call it a baby, if I admit that it was a boy or a girl who had 10 fingers and 10 toes and a life that was already mapped out by God, then I am calling myself a killer. If I talk about it, blog about it, pray about it, then that makes it real.

But just when I think I’ve pushed the memories far enough behind that they won’t catch up with me, there they are again.

The self-hatred is paralyzing. It lurks closely and tells me that I don’t deserve happiness. The guilt is suffocating. It has affected every relationship I have. I can’t trust or attempt intimacy.

I would take a bullet for my out-of-the-womb children. Why didn’t I protect the ones inside?

I have given up hope that the past could have been different. I cannot change what I did. Every Bible study, counseling session, and prayer seems to just be a band-aid over a wound that will NEVER heal.

So, I will be a voice for my children who only know heaven. I will be a voice for the millions of women who live in regret, guilt, self-hatred and fear of being “found out”. I will be painfully honest about every feeling I have, and I will stand up for life even when it’s unpopular and politically incorrect. So, please spare me your pro-life/pro-choice arguments. I know what I saw. I know how I feel. I will NEVER be the same. I will NEVER get over it.

And if I don’t take this pain and make it my purpose, I think it might kill me.

Christie writes her testimony as a letter to another woman considering an abortion.

Hello from a fellow Texan! I want to make this short, but it may not turn out that way. Someone who cares very deeply for you asked me to write this letter to you so here goes:

You are so blessed to have been raised in a loving family and in a church and taught right from wrong; I hope you know that first and far most. Here is my story.

I was raised in a very large family nine children in all and we pretty much had no rules and no responsibility growing up. I could do whatever I wanted as a teen and my parents never showed me love, so I went looking for it. (In all the wrong places) I thought guys liked me back then, but now looking back, I know they just thought I was “easy.”

At 16 years of age I was running around with multiple guys thinking I was getting “love” from them. All I got was an unwanted pregnancy. I couldn’t tell my mother so I told my sister- of course she told my mom. The first one-on-one conversation I ever had with my mother was the day she confronted me.

It was one of the best (I thought) days of my life. She said I would have an abortion. I was so happy! I wouldn’t be fat, I wouldn’t bear the shame, and no one would know what I did so off to the abortion clinic we went

I think I was 12 weeks pregnant when this happened and the nurse gave me a sonogram and told me is wasn’t a “baby” yet just a blob of tissue. So my mom signed some papers and off to the “room.” I won’t go into the gory details of the procedure, but it was probably worse than being raped by a stranger.

I was laying there with some poster on the ceiling with a calm ocean scene. As he started the machine all I could think of was this is wrong! This is wrong! This is wrong!

As he started the procedure, I wanted to change my mind but it was too late. The doctor began to remove the “tissue” from my body. The pain in my abdomen was more than I could bear and lasted about 45 minutes. The very sound of what I heard that day still haunts me. He finished and said it was over. I lay there five minutes because I had been in such pain and was glad it was over. I got up and began to dress. I was bleeding very badly. I wasn’t up two minutes and the nausea started. I spent three hours throwing up and you can’t eat or drink anything the night before or that morning, so it was that really dry throw-up that chokes you because there is nothing to throw up… I went home and slept because I was so tired from the procedure and throwing up so long.

Fast forward 20 years… I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior…I begin to read my Bible daily… I get to Jeremiah 1:4&5. The word of the lord talking to Jeremiah

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”

“Before you were born I set you apart”

I dropped my Bible on the floor… I was shocked at what I read. I began to weep profusely, The worst cry I have ever had in my entire life. God opened my eyes to what I had done. I had taken one of his creations and allowed a doctor to vacuum that beautiful creation out of my body and throw into the garbage.

I was totally depressed for years. I knew God had forgiven me, but my guilt and shame was too much to bear. So I started self medication to escape the pain. Drinking drugs you name it I did it all. I should have died. I was waking up in strange places, not remembering how I got home, not remembering driving home. Etc.

Fast forward 10 years- I have children of my own and am enjoying my life but every time I look at them I can’t help but wonder what could have been. I look at an empty dining room chair and I think of that child so many situations make me think of that day. It is forever haunting still after 20 years.

I am now going on 47 years of age and my kids are almost grown. TO THIS DAY THAT ABORTION HAUNTS ME. I have dreams about it I hate myself for it. I regret it. I wonder what he or she would have looked like- Every Birthday one of my kids have I wonder how old that child I killed would be. How could I have done it? Why didn’t someone warn me? Babies are fully formed in just a few weeks. If they had told me that my abortion would cause depression, anxiety, guilt, sleeplessness, endless guilt, drunkenness, sadness, regret, shame, remorse. I never would have done it.

I know God put me in touch with you for just this reason. Please don’t make the mistake I made. You will regret it for the rest of your life. There are so many of us that we even have groups we belong to and wear t-shirts saying “I regret my abortion” when we go to pro life rallies.

I know you are surrounded by people who will support you and I never had that my mom made me. Please take a good look around you and count your blessings. I pray that my letter will help open your eyes to a different view on what you may choose to do, but remember we have consequences to our actions.

God Bless

From Priests for Life.

Note: Religious beliefs expressed in testimonies are not necessarily endorsed by site owner

I had an abortion because if my father knew he would have killed me. Forty years and I still cry. And I have three children, but hurt and miss my first baby that I really wanted.

During the procedure, I was very mentally upset and actually felt nothing. I was not aware of what I was really doing since I felt that it was OK since it was only a few weeks since I missed my period. I went to Catholic grammar and high school and was never taught about the life I was carrying. I was never told in high school, a very good high school in New York City that was from St. Patrick Cathedral, about abortion and how it could make you hurt forever.

I can only say that no matter how many more children you have, the one you killed is on your mind and heart the most every day and forever – only you don’t have the love of the child and you don’t have the ability to give the child love.

From Priests for Life.

This abortion wasn’t even my decision at all. My mom was never there for me, my whole life. I knew she was going to freak out and call me names, and demean me. But I could deal with that. I always have, and that made me want to strive even harder to keep my Angel and be successful doing it. She was no problem to deal with, just another obstacle. Just someone I had to prove wrong. But she beat me. She was right.

But, my grandma…she hurt me. With all the pain and disappointment in her eyes every time I looked at her. She was there for me throughout the whole thing, whether I kept the baby or not I knew she was going to be there. She just wanted the best for me. “You need to get an abortion. It’s only a one-day thing.” That abortion was not just a one-day thing. It’s still hurting me, every second of the day. But I think I need to be sad, it’s okay to be sad. I lost my baby and anyone would be sad because of that. She just wanted to help me; she wanted what was best for me.

But in the back of my mind I always remember I could have kept that baby and she would have been there for me. Why didn’t I think it through more? I couldn’t live at home. It was mostly my mom’s decision, even though it IS my grandma’s house. But if I did live there during the pregnancy, there would have been constant physical fighting and arguments between my mom and me and there would have been arguments with my mom and grandma about me living there; she’s 74 years old, she didn’t need that. So I understood. She didn’t want me out on the streets, my mom did.

They would have gotten over it. That’s the thing. Once that baby was born, they would have realized a little, that my baby is a part of our family. I know they would have loved him. I don’t know why I didn’t think about that… I don’t know why I didn’t think about a lot of things.

My boyfriend’s parents knew I was pregnant, but barely had ANY involvement during the WHOLE thing. Actually, quite frankly, they did nothing. At the time I thought that my only option was to live there, with my boyfriend. Which made sense, he was the baby’s father and I had nowhere to go. When he told me that his mom said that I couldn’t live with him, I couldn’t believe it. It made no sense to me. I still don’t understand. No one stepped in and said anything. No one did anything. At that time it was all about somewhere to live, and I would have kept my baby. All I needed was somewhere to sleep and be during the pregnancy. I could go home, and eat, pick up food, buy clothes with my grandma, etc. I just needed somewhere to spend my pregnancy.

She’s HIS mom, she let us go upstairs, lock the door and let me sleep over. We are teenagers. A 15-year-old and a 14-year-old, and as teenagers we are obviously very irresponsible. She knew we were having sex. Yet, when I got pregnant, she did nothing, as if she had absolutely nothing to do with it. But I do know that I was the one having sex, making the decision. I was the one who didn’t go to a shelter. I was the one who got pregnant and didn’t protect my baby. I was the one in the end who ended his life, not anyone else. And that pains me even more. It’s so hard to go to school every day knowing that. It’s hard to even wake up in the morning. At night it’s the worst for me. I’ll sit and I’ll hold my baby’s onesy that says, “I love mommy,” I’ll just cry and cry. I miss my baby. I miss feeling of my stomach stretching from the inside; it was the strangest feeling….I miss everything about being pregnant. I miss everything so much. I miss knowing that when only I was in a room, I wasn’t really alone. I would always talk to him and tell him how much I loved him. I told him everything was going to be OK. I lied.

I’m just sad; it’s even hard to breath sometimes you know? I get this weird empty feeling in my chest. It’s so emotionally and physically painful it just makes me feel like I can’t go on anymore sometimes. It’s not like I didn’t know it was going to be like this. I knew it was going to be like this. I knew myself; I knew that something like this, my heart just wouldn’t be able to handle it. But yet I went through with it anyways.

After I had gotten the picture of my baby, my blood taken, and everything else, they called me into the abortion room. I was the last person there. Then the nurse and doctor came in. The doctor was this black guy, and the nurse looked like she was like 16. Which isn’t possible, but she looked like it. I was freaking out, shaking, terrified. They kept asking SO many questions, about dumb things and smiling and laughing like it was nothing. I just wanted them to SHUT UP and get it over with. They had to give me two shots of numbing stuff, and another shot because I was so far along they had to dilate my cervix. Those numbing shots did nothing but hurt. I felt everything. I felt my Angel being sucked out of me, and it hurt so badly. I wanted to cry, I couldn’t breathe. They kept on asking me questions, I guess to take my mind off of what was going on. But I just wanted to cry, and slap them in the face. I was just thinking, “How can you take this baby out of me, and sit there and watch like it’s no big fucking thing.” I remember I kept thinking that, and being in so much pain. I also remember constantly thinking, “Oh my God, my baby is being sucked out of me, with a fucking tube.” That was the worst day and the worst pain of my life. Afterward in the recovery room is when it hit me. I just started crying. Not tears just rolling down, I was BALLING. I was crying my head off.

There was a girl sitting next to me and she went and told this fat nurse that I was crying; the lady didn’t do anything but look at me! I was in so much pain and I just wanted to get out of there. Once I got out, I felt a lot better. Thank God.

From Priests for Life. Used with permission.