Category: Women’s Stories

I was 18 and dating a man my parents strongly disapproved of. So they “made a deal” with me: they would send me to college if I would break up with him. I agreed, though I never really meant to keep my end of the bargain.

I realized I was pregnant when the smells from chemistry class kept making me sick. A friend convinced me to go her doctor in town. He diagnosed pregnancy immediately, saying, “Such a shame, another young one.” He told me not to worry, that “it” could be “taken care of.” He never once said anything about keeping the baby, but gave me a card from the local abortuary.

Although I had no strong religious convictions, the visit to the clinic for my initial “consultation” left me feeling bad. The nurse told me to come back in a week with the money to have it done.

I had heard some things about abortion, and I knew it was probably wrong. So that whole week, I talked with friends and teachers, looking for advice. One female teacher in particular advised me to have it done. She told me that she had had several abortions, that it was “nothing,” and that I didn’t need this trouble in my life right now.

No one, at any time, told me anything about adoption or keeping the child. In fact, one of my teachers was a nun – and I approached her, too, with my problem. I think now that I really wanted someone to say “No! Don’t do it!” But even the nun told me that abortion was the best route for me.

My boyfriend didn’t have the money, so my parents volunteered to pay for it. When I broke down in front of them, saying that I thought it was wrong to do this, they told me they would kick me out of the house if I didn’t have the abortion. My father said he wouldn’t have any “little brown babies in his house!” (My boyfriend was Italian-Puerto-Rican.) They told me that if I had the baby, I would be completely on my own. I felt like there was absolutely no way I could escape the inevitable.

When the time came, my boyfriend and some friends from school went with me. There were no protesters, no pro-life people. In fact, during the whole time of this crisis, I never heard a word about or from the pro-life side.

I was led to a room with a whole group of girls, just like me, waiting to have their babies killed. No one talked. No one looked at anyone else. They called our names, one by one.

I was very scared, mostly of the pain they said I might feel. With the counselor, I mostly cried. But she just agreed with everyone I had talked to. Yes, this is a bad time to have a child. Yes, you’re too young. Yes, having a child costs a lot of money. Yes, it would be so hard for you to raise a child on your own. Yes, this is the best thing to do.

Waiting to have my name called, I tried to convince myself of these things. I just wanted the whole thing to be over with.

Finally they called me in and put me on a table. The dilation was extremely painful. A counselor held my hand and told me not to cry, it would be over soon.

The suction machine was very loud – a horrible noise. They had a picture on the ceiling for you to look at so you wouldn’t have to think about what was happening to you. The image of that picture is burned into my memory. They took my baby from me while I looked at people walking in the rain.

My boyfriend got drunk while I was in the clinic. He could hardly drive me home. He was late picking me up and I stood on the corner in front of the clinic, bleeding and embarrassed until he came.

When we got back to my dorm room, I was crying. I told everyone how awful it was, and how I wished I hadn’t done it after all. My boyfriend laughed at me – laughed at me! – and said, “Well, that’s what you get for screwing around!” One of the guys from school tried to throw him out, and they got into a fight. It was a horrible scene. I’m sure he got drunk to try and deal with it; he knew, deep down, that it was wrong. He was only trying to blame me for it so the responsibility for it wouldn’t weigh on his shoulders.

In the end, the abortion did not “solve all my problems” as everyone had promised. My parents still kicked me out. I had to quit school. I married the boyfriend. It didn’t work out. He became an alcoholic and a drug addict. He beat me up and brought other women into our bed.

One night during a drunken spree, he held a knife to my chest. I told him to kill me, that I wanted to die. I had nothing. No parents, no husband, really, no baby, and no self-respect. How could he respect me? I had killed our child. How could I look at myself in the mirror every day? I was a murderer. I truly wanted to die. Soon after this, we were separated and divorced.

My abortion was about ten years ago. To me, it’s like a bad, bad nightmare, deep in the past, best forgotten. I still haven’t told anyone in my present life (my husband, my church friends, anyone I respect) about the abortion. I can’t. I know that they would see me differently, and I couldn’t stand that.

I’ve had one child since then, and I’m pregnant again. These children are my joy — and my forgiveness from God. My little boy is so, so precious and wonderful. If I had only known how sweet and wonderful a baby is, I never would have done it – not in 2 million years.

I now picket the clinics in the area, and I write letters to the paper and give money to pro-life groups. This helps a little — I feel that I need to do at least this much.

It’s obvious that the abortion wrecked my life. Emotionally, I was a different person before and after it. It left a path of destruction in my life. My family, my first marriage, my image of myself – all a total wreck. Nothing will ever be the same.

I know now the lies I was told, the truths that were withheld from me, the facts that were glossed over or left out. As a pregnant woman, I go to my doctor’s office and see pictures of babies in tummies. Month by month, I hear my baby’s heartbeat. I’m told how to do everything that’s best for my baby’s health. Why is it legal across town to NOT tell these things?

I am just glad that I’m able to tell others. I’m glad that I can be outside that clinic when no one was there for me. I may not be able to confess my abortion, but I can fight abortion!

Originally published in The PostAbortion Review 1(3) Fall 1993.

Elliot Institute, PO Box 7348, Springfield, IL 62791-7348

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9/8/09

My goodness i thought i was alone! i remember the smell, that awful chair!!!! i didnt know any better, they were telling me its just sells. I was so young, i wanted them both! i have lost my mind! i drink to take away my pain… i will never forgive myself for not being strong! when i have kids.. how can i look them in the eyes without thinking of what could have been? NEVER HAVE AN ABORTION NO MATTER WHO TRYS TO FORCE YOU! NICK CANNON- CAN I LIVE.. LISTEN TO THAT SONG !

Chantelle S.

 

This is part of a collection of stories from a pro-life website’s (AbortionTV) mail desk. All of these women have written in after reading the information on the site, which includes women’s stories and photos of aborted babies.

Letters are presented as they are, with no changes or corrections.

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6/26/09

I had and abortion with twins. I was getting married and I convinced myself that it wasn’t the right time. So did my fianc’. He made me do it. I wish I could have changed my mind and just kept them. I got laid off from work we were just starting out and I didn’t want children with someone who didn’t want them. I’m so depressed and I have no one to talk to. He doesn’t want to talk about it with me he just rather forget it ever happen. But I think about it everyday. I try not to because I have two kids that need me but didn’t they need me too. I feel so worthless inside. It’s like no one understands my pain. I don’t know what to do. I can’at tell my mom it would kill her. Abortion is never the answer. Trust me you will feel like giving up, depressed and just confused. That’s how I feel confused. It’s been three months and I still don’t have a job. Everyday I look at him and I hate him sometimes. How he can just walk around like nothing never happened. But who am I to hate him I might as well hate myself while I’m at it. I ask God to forgive me but it seems like I can’t forgive myself. U don’t want this monkey in your back for the rest of your life. Trust me. I need counseling because this cant be a quick fix like and abortion. So if you thinking about doing it think again and again and again. It’s not worth the pain.

M.N.
This is part of a collection of stories from a pro-life website’s (AbortionTV) mail desk. All of these women have written in after reading the information on the site, which includes women’s stories and photos of aborted babies.

Letters are presented as they are, with no changes or corrections.
 

 

 

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had an abortion a couple of years ago to twins. I didn’t know anything and they told me that it wasn’t a baby, there was no beating heart so there was no pain at all. They lied to me. I was 11 weeks to twins. I only did it thinking it was not harmful in any way. After finding your website and looking it up on you tube I now learn what happens and the truth. I am broken hearted for what I have done to those two precious babies. I will never forgive myself. I think it’s so important for women to know the truth before going ahead. The clinics lie to you to make you go through it. I was stupid enough to believe them. I am having trouble with life now realizing what actually happens. I now have a 1year little girl and she is the love of my life. I am getting married this year but Every time I look at my daughter I think about those two angels everyday. I really need help, I am struggling to go through this. I cry myself to sleep every night. My fiance doesn’t know what to do. He was devastated to see the procedure as well and said he wouldn’t have let me go through with it if he knew. But I just want to say thank you for telling women the truth. I just wish I found this website before I went through it. It would have saved two gorgeous babies lives. I talk to them everyday. I try to think they are in heaven, but they would hate me so much. I don’t blame them. I wish I could turn back time.

Thank you for doing this for babies sake.

Sarah

Brisbane, Australia

This is part of a collection of stories from a pro-life website’s (AbortionTV) mail desk. All of these women have written in after reading the information on the site, which includes women’s stories and photos of aborted babies.

Letters are presented as they are, with no changes or corrections.

 

 

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I was 18 years old when I had my abortion, in 1975. I had been dating my boyfriend for over a year and we had been sleeping together for a couple of months before I got pregnant. He had been backing off of our relationship, seeing another girl, and I suppose unconsciously I thought I could hang on to him by sleeping with him. I was a mess emotionally at the time, I was not thinking clearly. We thought it would be okay if we slept together on “safe days”.

I remember telling him that I might be pregnant. He didn’t say much, except that he would marry me if that was what I wanted. After I found out for sure that I was pregnant he was still seeing his other girlfriend, so that made it pretty clear to me that I was on my own. I wanted to talk to my best friend about it, but she would’ve told her mom, and she was a terrible gossip. My sister and I weren’t speaking at the time. I couldn’t talk to my mom, she’d been through so much with my older sister. My parents had taken her to New York for an abortion three years earlier. I knew how much that had hurt them and I didn’t want to disappoint then or have them be ashamed of me. When my sister and I had moved out of the house a year earlier to live together in a house with my boyfriend we had a big blow up with my parents, Mom disowned us, Dad got real nasty. I just couldn’t face any more turmoil. My boyfriend had gotten another girl pregnant right before we started dating, and he had refused to have anything to do with her or the baby, so I didn’t really know what to expect. I felt so stupid for having let myself get into the same situation. I decided that abortion was my only choice. I told my boyfriend of my decision and asked him for half of the money to pay for the abortion. It cost $150 and I couldn’t come up with all of it that quickly. I was really sick to my stomach, scared. I was throwing up constantly. I thought for sure my Mom would figure it out, but she thought it was just because I was so upset about the way my boyfriend was treating me. I got into the clinic as soon as I could. I had convinced myself that if I got the abortion done soon enough, it wouldn’t really be a baby, just a little speck of tissue.

I talked to the counselor at the clinic and told her that my boyfriend and I planned to be married eventually, but we weren’t ready for it yet. She didn’t ask many questions. I was told to bring someone with me to drive me home. I didn’t want my boyfriend there, but I couldn’t tell anyone else, so I asked him to go with me. I don’t remember anything that day until I walked into the room where they performed the abortion. They told me to lay down. There was a bucket on the floor full of red liquid with a sign on it that said something like “This is not blood, it’s plasma.” The doctor come and touched me and told me that I had the eyes of a frightened doe. Then he said something like “You didn’t think it would happen to you, did you?”. He was very gentle, he described the procedure and said that it would hurt for a minute or two. It hurt intensely for what seemed like a minute. Afterwards they had me sit up, I threw up. I was shaking so I had to sit there for a minute to steady myself. I had to go to another room for about 20 minutes so they could be sure that there were no complications, but I don’t actually remember being there. After that we (all the girls who had just had abortions) were taken to a room and told about contraceptives.

I don’t remember leaving the clinic, but I remember taking a walk later and being relieved that it was over. I thought that I could pretend that it had never happened. I convinced myself that it was the only thing I could’ve done – it was over so I should just put it behind me. My boyfriend agreed, he said that we should never discuss it again and we both agreed never to tell anyone. He told me that when I had gone into that room he had wanted to grab me and drag me out of there — I wonder what I would’ve done if he had.

We eventually got back together and got married the next year. I lost a baby by miscarriage three years after our marriage. I really grieved for that baby and it entered my head that I was only a few weeks farther along than I had been when I had the abortion, yet I considered this one a baby. I guess I just pushed that thought away, I couldn’t handle it, I got pregnant again as soon as I could. I was scared that I’d never be able to have children, but fortunately I have.

I thought about the abortion over the years but never in an emotional way. It was like looking at the pictures but never letting the feelings in. I always told myself that my husband and I would’ve never made it through those first few years with a baby, and it’s probably true. He was angry and violent a lot in the early years of our marriage, and I told myself that it was better that there hadn’t been a child involved then.

I turned my life over to the Lord in 1988, but I still wouldn’t admit to myself that what I had done was wrong. It really bothered me when our Christian friends would talk about abortion, I felt that they were condemning me. For 14 years after the abortion I denied the truth until my husband and I went for counseling to work through some problems in our marriage. I had to face what I’d done and how I really fell about it, and it really devastated me. I was so ashamed of what I had done, I couldn’t see how God could forgive me for it. I wanted to just kill myself or hurt myself, but I eventually realized that being destructive to myself would only cause more hurt for everyone. I’m still having a hard time forgiving myself, but I know the Lord is working in my life to heal me, and I hope someday the pain I’ve been going through will allow me to be useful in helping other women.

I found out later that my sister had an abortion about the same time I did, at the same clinic. We would’ve both had teenagers now. In the back of my mind I always thought that the baby I aborted was a girl. We named her Lindsey Marie. I think a lot about what it would be like to have her here with us, what kind of personality she would have. I wonder how much she would resemble our other children. It’s hard to realize how much I’ve missed over the years by not having her here, and how much I’ll always miss her from now on. I take comfort in knowing that someday we’ll be reunited.

 

 

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As I lay in my bed tonight, I’m having a hard time letting my body relax enough to go to sleep. Before I started to write down my thoughts, my husband and I were praying, and as so often happens, my mind started to think about the two children I have in heaven that I’ve never seen. That I never had the chance to take to dancing lessons or little league games. That I never got to see grow up and learn to love the Lord as I do now. I think of what a wonderful life they could have now, with parents that are still together and made it through hard times with God’s help.

My children would be 17 and 16 years old now. I would have 4 children instead of 2. Perhaps my daughter would have the sister she always wanted, and my son the brother that he’s begged for all these years. How could I ever tell my two living children that I destroyed all their chances of that ever happening when I had killed their siblings through the act of abortion. When I think about it for too long, I don’t know how I can live with what I’ve done.

Oh, I thought as many of you have that I was caught in a situation of no escape. I was so young, and already had a small child to take care of, and with my future being so unsure how could I possibly bring another life into this terrible world? Certainly the thoughts of a desperate 20 year old, that was caught in a web of lies and confusion. With abortion now legalized, I thought this is my way out. I let the doctor convince me that I was doing nothing wrong. He said just let me do this simple office procedure, which he called regulation, and you will start your period, then everything will be alright. It sounded too good to be true. He told me that it wasn’t a baby but only a bloody blob. That it wasn’t alive, only tissue that could feel no pain.

I’ll never forget the pain that I suffered that day, which was nothing compared to my baby’s pain. He said the procedure was 99% effective, and wanting to believe him, I stopped crying. I put it out of my mind. But why two weeks later was I still sick in the morning and feeling the way I did? Back to the doctor for another visit which confirmed my worst fears – I was still pregnant! I couldn’t believe that the “Bloody Blob” as the doctor had called it was till alive inside me after the terrible ordeal that I had tried so hard to forget. He then told me I had to go in the hospital for them to finish the job. These things happen sometimes, he said, nothing to worry about, just another simple procedure.

Looking back, I know that child must have been fighting for its very life. If I had only known then what I know now about abortion! I heard what I wanted to hear, blacking out the reality of what I was about to do. The doctor said it must be done, and of course I HAD to do what he said, because he knew best. All I remember about that day was the nurse stroking my hair in the hall on a stretcher. After the shot they gave me, I remember crying quietly and mumbling “I want to keep my baby, but I can’t”. If I had only known that the doctor I had so much faith in was about to dilate my uterus, and dismember my baby limb from limb so it would be small enough to suck out of my body with that powerful suction machine, I would have wanted to die right there on the table with my baby. They also had to crush the baby’s skull before it could be sucked out. All I know is back then I thought I was getting rid of something that would cause too many unwanted problems in my life, but what I was really doing was letting someone cut up my precious little unborn baby. I didn’t really know the truth of any of this until years later.

The next time I got pregnant, with the same father, the timing still wasn’t right. You see I was living in a world where nothing mattered but me. I wasn’t ready to have another baby, and besides I was on birth control pills. How could this happen to me again? I was angry at my husband for getting me pregnant for the 3rd time. He was putting me through hell with his lying, drinking, and cheating. After all I had left him once and I was thinking about leaving again. Having a baby would just add something else to my already insane life. I just couldn’t handle it! It was much easier this time. There were all these special clinics available now. The counselors reassured me that I was doing nothing wrong. Again I fell for the lie of abortion and was totally convinced that there was nothing living inside of me. I just knew it was one more burden that I just couldn’t bear. As my husband waited, I went into a cold small room. No nice nurses this time, just a cruel procedure. I will never forget the sound of that vacuum machine as it tore my baby apart, into a jar where it was sent off to make perfume of hairspray.

After my husband and I gave our lives to the Lord in 1977, the overwhelming guilt of what I had done began to well up inside me. I couldn’t talk to him about it because I blamed him in a way for what I had done. I asked God to forgive me, but it wasn’t until last year that I was able to confess my sin and forgive myself. It was inconceivable to me that I could have done what I did all those years ago. I never really knew the horrible truth about abortion until about 1 1/2 years ago, because I was afraid to really know the truth. It has taken me years of mental anguish and sleepless nights of being able to forgive my husband, of fighting an eating disorder, of feeling like a hypocrite!

Afraid my Christian friends would find out and no longer love me. Of feeling the horrible guilt and pain of what I had done. I know there are millions of women out there that are feeling the same.

The truth about abortion is out! Women, it is murder plain and simple. If you have given birth to a child you know how much you love it. You would probably give your life to save it. But yet every day women (1 out of every 4) kill their babies. For every abortion performed there are two victims, one dead and one wounded. This has got to stop! Not only for the tortured babies, but for the mothers who have been the victims of this lie. We all need help, and only God and his word can heal this pathetic world. We have murdered 26,000,000 babies over the past 17 years. There are more babies being aborted each day than are being born, around 4,000 a day in our country alone. I have shared my story with you in the hopes that I can save a child’s life and let an expectant mother know there is a way out. I have lost 6 children that could have been born in my immediate family. I believe many of you would be surprised to know how many of your family members have been taken from you. I find it hard to believe that a 12 year old child cannot take an aspirin at school, or have their ears pierced without parental consent, but in the state of North
Carolina they can have an abortion without their parents being notified. What has happened to our country?

If you find yourself in trouble with no place to turn, please know you have someone who cares. There is a better way, please don’t make a mistake that you will have to live with the rest of your life. There are people that can help you at Pregnancy Crisis Centers across the country. Please call them, they can provide all your needs and help you in making an informed decision. If you’re already suffering with the torment of having an abortion, there is help for you also. Open ARMS (Abortion Related Ministries) will help you recover from the aftermath of an abortion with love and support Look in your local newspaper in the classified section for more information.

I know I have two children I’ve never seen waiting for me in heaven. I wish I could see them now to tell them how sorry I am, and how much I love them. Please find it in your hearts to pray for our country and help get our laws changed to protect the ones that can’t protect themselves. Right now the most dangerous place on the face of our earth to be is in your mother’s womb. If we fight to save the animals of this world, why can’t we fight to save our children?

In HIS Love,

A thankful and forgiven sinner

 

 

 

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I had one (abortion) when I was 16 and one when I was 20. I had the same boyfriend for almost 6 years, from the time I was 14-20. He was 3 years older than I was, a psychology major and he knew my stepfather hated me. He always held me and told me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me, but not when I became pregnant. Then he said he would never see me again and would tell everyone they weren’t his and hand my mother money to pay for the abortions. My mother made the appointment for the first one and took me. I finally got out of this relationship when I packed up my car and left NY and moved to WY right after my second one.

(The abortion) was a painful and miserable surprise. I was crying in the waiting room before the abortion, so they put me in a separate room to wait because they said I was scaring the other girls.

Terrible emotional pains and shame (followed) that I had no idea at the origin of. Abortion became legal right before I had mine and my boyfriend used this to make it seem ok. He said intelligent people make these laws, they wouldnt say it was all right if it wasn’t.

I went to a Pace Bible Study; after my second child was born with Hyaline membrane disease and is deaf as a result. I felt God was especially angry with me for my second abortion. When I had a third healthy child (a son) and it was the most wonderful feeling of my entire life. I did not go to PACE until after my third child was born nine years after my second abortion. Up until then I just felt like I had a terrible secret and like I was playing at being respectable and I dont think Ill ever like myself as much as I could have. I know God has forgiven me. I know sex is not love in itself, especially if it is destructive and I will teach my children to abstain.

Thank you for stopping people from having abortions. There was no opposition whatsoever when I had mine. All I had was guilt that I had been bad and the feeling that this (the abortion) would make it right. No one points out that either way a person goes it is a decision that stays with them all their life. I think I could live with myself a lot easier having given a child up for adoption. Abortion doesn’t make the baby go away, it just makes a dead baby.

I truly wish this activity would teach us to abstain till marriage. Men and boys included. I don’t think boys should be taught to sow their oats because girls never think of themselves in this way. I also know that I was in love and that if I didn’t “do it with him” someone else would.

Growing up in NY in the 70s, in high school there were a lot more girls that would, than wouldn’t. Girls should not be brought up with Cinderella stories because it makes us more vulnerable to exploitation. We need to teach our children that sex is biological and should not be confused with love. (It is a small part of love). I also think that if I had had the babies I would’ve grown up a lot sooner. I feel my life was greatly altered.

 

 

 

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In 1970 when I was 16 years old, I became pregnant. The doctor who told me I was pregnant said he didn’t do abortions but gave me the number of a doctor that did. I was appalled that he would refer me to an abortionist. I finally found the nerve to tell my mother. She asked me if I wanted a baby. I was hysterical. I told her I was too young to be a mother. My mother told me they had a new medical procedure where they suction you out and you’re no longer pregnant. This was the answer. My mom’s OBGYN examined me, sent me to a psychiatrist and scheduled a D & C. The OBGYN told me I was not physically able to carry a child. The psychiatrist said I was not emotionally ready. My mother never said another word. My boyfriend sold his motorcycle to pay for my medical procedure. I was ready for this to be done.

I checked into the hospital. I was in a ward with about six other women. The nurse came in and said to me you’re too young to be pregnant. Somebody in the ward used the word abortion and I just about fainted. I couldn’t believe I was going to have an abortion. I was there to get a medical procedure.

I laid in my bed and I prayed to God. I asked him to give me a sign if I was doing the wrong thing. I asked him to start a fire or something drastic. I asked him to make the doctor not show up. I wanted to change my mind. I wanted out but I was afraid to inconvenience the doctor. My boyfriend had sold his motorcycle. I was afraid I’d disappoint everyone. The next morning they woke me up, gave me an IV to put me out and killed my baby. I went home and became depressed. I didn’t want to go back to school. I finished the last month of 11th grade and never went back.

I finished high school at adult education. I felt my childhood was gone. I have had horrible unexplained depression. I am currently on 2 medications to prevent depression. I have had 3 wonderful children by the father of my aborted baby. But when I look at my family this is what I see . . . There will always be a space between me and [my oldest living child] because that is where my oldest child should be. I can never shake the horror of it all. I now work at a Crisis Pregnancy Center to try and help just one teenager or young woman who needs a hand.

 

 

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