Woman describes her experience at abortion clinic

Victoria, who compiled a book of women’s stories about about abortion, wrote:

“I telephoned the clinic and was told by the clinic that because I was so early in my pregnancy, I wasn’t carrying a “real” baby. Her exact words were, “it’s just a blob of cells. “It” hasn’t formed into a human being.”

6 week preborn baby
6 week preborn baby. Surgical abortions are not performed before this time in many clinics

The woman on the other end insisted that I have the “procedure” performed right away, the sooner, the better. She always referred to it as the “procedure” never mentioning the word abortion. She said I was only “terminating a pregnancy.

She instructed me to bring cash only to my visit. Checks or credit cards were not accepted.”

At the clinic:

“When my fictitious name was called, I quickly got up and went into the first of three rooms. This was the office of the cashier. She sat me down, shut the door and matter-of-factly asked, “You have your money with you?… I need the full $350, cash only, as I told you over the phone. Remember, if you change your mind while you’re on the table, you don’t get your money back. There are no refunds here. Do you understand this? I nodded again…

I asked again, “Should I really do this?” She seemed nervous. Maybe I was about to change my mind and she wouldn’t make her “quota” for the day.

I guess she wanted to reassure me when she said, “Look, when you leave this place, never think of this day again. Just forget about it. You’ll be fine and you can always have more babies later. You’re too early in your pregnancy to even think of this as a real pregnancy, let alone a real baby. Remember and never forget, we’re only terminating a pregnancy.”…

It was obvious she’d done this before. Her “speech” was so rehearsed…

They asked me not to speak to any of the other women. It might be too uncomfortable for them… We were all sharing the same fate, yet none of us could even look at one another.”

Victoria Koloff They Lied to Us (Worldcomm: 2011) 11 – 13

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Clinic workers called baby “formless blob of tissue”

Kathryn Bretz tells the story of her abortion:

“I specifically asked if this was a baby and was told ‘No, it’s a formless blob of tissue.’ No one told me that this was a tiny baby who would be ripped apart. I was not informed of potential negative physical, psychological and spiritual consequences. The brochure stated that many women experience relief, without any consequences and it also stated ‘there may be a BRIEF period of sadness’. . . . The abortion has impacted my life negatively the day it happened and every day since for almost 30 years with unmanageable and powerful emotions of guilt, sorrow and raw pain. I developed a migraine disorder that has consumed my life, destroyed my career and finances. My inconsolable crying over the loss of my child, and knowing I was complicit in his death has caused deep, traumatic and overwhelming pain that can trigger a migraine. I’ve ended up at the ER with runaway migraine pain, with no painkilling drug that exists in medical science to assuage my misery. For a month after, my body was wracked in pain and it seemed like continuous labor. I expelled large chunks of endometrium and what looked like fetal tissue.”

AMICUS CURIAE BRIEF OF 3,348 WOMEN INJURED BY ABORTION AND THE JUSTICE FOUNDATION IN SUPPORT OF RESPONDENTS FOR AFFIRMANCE

WHOLE WOMAN’S HEALTH, et al., Petitioners, v. JOHN HELLERSTEDT, M.D., COMMISSIONER, TEXAS DEPARTMENT OF STATE HEALTH SERVICES, et al., Respondents.

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Postabortion woman; the last two years of my life have been a nightmare

A woman who had an abortion wrote:

“When I was 18 years old… I had an abortion…and the last two years of my life have been a nightmare… Sometimes I just lie in bed all day long, too depressed to get up. I buy baby clothes and toys. In fact, I have a room full of baby accessories. I see children everywhere I go… I don’t feel any less guilty today (two years later) than the day I had the abortion. My memories haven’t faded… I’ve tried alcohol, drugs and relationships. Nothing will ever take away my loss or the memories, not even for a little while.”

“Memories of My Abortion” Life Issues, Inc. Advertising Supplement, January 1989, 9

Quoted in Richard Exley Abortion: Pro-Life by Conviction, Pro-Choice by Default (Tulsa, Oklahoma: Honor Books, 1989)

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Woman describes her abortion by pill

A woman named Solome describes what happened when she took the abortion pill:

“I made an appointment and went to the clinic.  They said I could take the pill because I found out in the early stages. A part of me thought that as long as they didn’t go in there with any metal tools and suck it out, it would be different and less gruesome. Boy, was I wrong!  The time between my visit and my appointment went by really fast. I was numb and completely disconnected from everything around me. I would start crying as soon as I left work until I fell asleep at 4 or 5 am. I would walk down the street crying, or in the train, or when I saw babies and pregnant women.

I went to the clinic on a Thursday afternoon and took my first pill. I was given prescription pills for the next day. It took about 30 minutes for the cramps and bleeding to start. I remember thinking, “OK, so this should be over in an hour or so.” But it wasn’t. During that time I felt like my inside was being torn and sliced to pieces. I had blood all over my legs and went in the tub to wash them. The cramps got so bad I couldn’t even move. I couldn’t even cry. It was worse than anything I’ve ever seen on TV. All the labor and contractions they show was nothing compared to this. I couldn’t get to my phone to dial 911 and go to the emergency room. I lay there for hours thinking, “I deserve this; I brought this on myself.” Right before the fetus came out, I started vomiting everything I had in my system since that morning. Then I bled some more and hurt some more. I started praying curled up in blood in the tub, for the first time in years. I don’t remember the last time I prayed before this happened. After hours of hurting, I finally felt a huge physical relief, and the pain was immediately gone. I managed to get up. When I turned around .I saw the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever seen my entire life. I saw my child. It was at that moment that it finally sunk in properly. I really had been pregnant.  I had been carrying the life I created inside of me until that very moment.

Right after that, I cried and cried for hours. I put my child in a little box and kept saying I was sorry for what I had done. I was weeping and screaming, but nothing could turn back time. I felt like a part of me died. I felt angry. I felt guilty. I felt like my world was coming to an end and that I was the most terrible person on this earth. I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. It was the most beautiful thing I ever created, and I destroyed it.”

Solome “The Worst Mistake” Priests for Life

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Lutheran pastor and wife pressure teen into abortion

Elizabeth tells her abortion story:

“I am now 17. I was 16. It would have been a healthy 2 month old, tonight, if I made the decision that wouldn’t have broke our hearts.

It all began when I met my boyfriend, Elias. When we started having sex, it seemed so innocent. We almost didn’t know what we were really doing. Little did we know the consequences.

The second time, I got pregnant. We were drunk and didn’t use protection. It was New Year’s Eve.

It was a Friday when I found out. Even before I took the test, I knew. It was like intuition. I kept on telling him, I think I’m pregnant. He said to take a test, so I did. I was at a friend’s house and she approached her mother about it because there was no way I was ready to approach my parents at the time.

Her mom went to the store and bought the test for me because I would be too embarrassed to buy it myself. Her mom has disliked me ever since this incident. I went ahead and took the test. I didn’t want to look, so my friend did. It was positive. I cried hysterically, and couldn’t move, as my friend tried to comfort me.

I then called my boyfriend and immediately told him the news. He didn’t say anything. I then discussed with him the plans for the night and went according to them so I wouldn’t ruin my friend’s night. We met up down town and talked. My friend told me I should get the abortion, no question.

Elias, at first said he wanted to keep it, and I wanted to keep it. My friend thought we were crazy. My boyfriend and I went back and forth on the abortion thing. “Our” final decision was to keep it. I was scared, confused, and very vulnerable. Being pregnant at 16 was like living in another world. Whenever my boyfriend brought up getting an abortion, I would start a rampage. I said, I couldn’t do it! He said he wanted it, but I don’t ever think he did until now.

Unfortunately one night his parents decided to listen to our conversation (like they always do, still) and found out the news. The next day, at school, he approached me in the morning and said, “my parents know.” He had this strange smirk of confusion on his face. He usually does this when he’s frustrated or confused.

We never thought his parents would coerce us to do it, but they did. His father is a Lutheran pastor, his mother a nurse. I couldn’t believe how they were acting. They yelled like children about it.

Elias then called me up that night, and frantically called me, and he was crying and could barely speak. He said, I think we should get an abortion. I screamed, “no!” and hung up. He told me, “my mom and dad are screaming at me and telling me it’s for the best.” I could hear them in the background. They were screaming at him, saying, “it would be a poor loser!”… “you have no money”… it would be a “pathetic” this, and “pathetic” that.

They made us get off the phone to think, alone, for a night, which was stupid and selfish of them. It was a huge decision, and they were treating it like he failed a test at school or smoked some weed or something.

I was afraid to tell my parents.

After his parents talked us both into it, I went ahead and made an appointment. Right about that time was when I was getting very sick. I could barely move. I was 8 weeks along. His parents showed no compassion or concern. They hated us. I wish I would have told my parents.

The day they picked us up was a Friday morning. They called me and him out of school. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t think. In the car his dad was screaming at us cause we couldn’t find the clinic. We finally did.

After a four hour wait, it was over with. As I walked out of the recovery room. Elias was scrunched up in a ball crying and sobbing hysterically. I reached for him then we walked outside to wait for his dad. He was crying. I wasn’t. I was in shock. I felt a cold feeling. Like my mind was forcing itself not to break down.

His parents never spoke a word about it. They didn’t care. They don’t care. I hate them more than anything. I did it for Elias, not for me. I love him. I also hate him. He hates himself. Whenever I bring it up he cries.

Later, about four months after, I told my parents from guilt. I felt they deserved to know. They were heart broken. They’re Mormon and don’t believe in abortion. They then threatened a law suit against his parents for coercion. They hired a lawyer. but it failed.

I feel hate for them, but I love Elias. After that we’re still together, and I’m proud of that. We’re planning on getting married. We spend most our time together. People wonder why we’re so close. My parents refuse to plan a wedding with his family. That’s hard, but love can avoid that and stay together.

I regret it. I feel like a loser. We both don’t feel like we should live. I want children and I feel abortion is wrong. I took away a beautiful life. Sometimes I wish I could hear it cry, and hold it, or maybe I should have adopted it.

I don’t believe in god, but I believe in respect for life. Abortion is a disrespect for life. No one cares for it truly but me, my parents, and Elias. Sometimes I feel they forget and Elias forgets. But I’ll never forget. I’ll never feel the same.”

From Abortion Concern

 

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Post-Abortion woman: Why am I grieving?

From post-abortion woman Linda Cochrane:

“If abortion is so right, why am I feeling guilty and seeking help from psychiatrists and feminist therapists?

If abortion is so right, why am I needing increased amounts of alcohol and drugs to numb the pain?

If abortion is so right, why am I so depressed that I think of suicide as a way out?

If abortion isn’t the death of a baby, why was I grieving?”

“Post–Abortion Syndrome” Life Issues, Inc. Advertising Supplement, January 1989, P 9, quoted in Richard Exley Abortion: Pro-Life by Conviction, Pro-Choice by Default (Tulsa, Oklahoma: Honor Books, 1989) 48

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Abortion by pill “more horrible” than surgery

Lillian, age 24, had a surgical abortion two years before the interview. She describes her second abortion, which was by pill:

“And so this time, it was more horrible than the first time because this time I was older, so I was more aware of what it was to be a mother, and besides, the method was really… really hard, because it was a medication. There were 30 of us in a room smaller than this one, in a square, waiting like laying hens, waiting to lay our eggs, and it’s super painful because you have contractions, it’s really, really painful, so there you are in a room, all the girls hurting and rolling on the floor and all waiting to push out the egg, and the nurse who comes in and says: “OK, well, now go for it, you’re losing blood, put it in the pot.” And afterward, she looks in the pot and everything, and then, well, then it was really hard, because I actually saw it, and I felt it come down and I saw it, you know, unlike the first time, when I didn’t see anything.”

Luc Boltanski The Foetal Condition: A Sociology of Engendering and Abortion (Malden, MA: Polity Press, 2013) 149

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Post-abortion woman: I felt such loneliness

From Alexandra, who had an abortion in her first year of college:

“They told me it wouldn’t be painful and would be over quickly. They lied. It was extremely painful and I lie there [sic] for what seemed like an eternity. I remember the nurse holding my hand as the abortionist sucked my insides out. At least that’s how I remember it. Almost immediately, I felt such a sense of loneliness, even though I was surrounded by several people….

Afterwards, Greg was waiting for me. We left, without ever saying a word. In the car, he still wouldn’t talk or look at me… The rest of the day was somber and when night came, we laid in bed together, staring at the ceiling, still not speaking…

Greg took me back to school the next day and we both knew our relationship was over. We didn’t need to verbalize it….

Within a month of my abortion, I quit college.… Panic attacks, depression, fear and sexual problems became commonplace in my life. Thoughts of suicide plagued my mind constantly. I would envision myself driving off a cliff and ending it all…

Things got so bad that I sought out psychiatric help. The counselor never asked me if I’d had an abortion before. He didn’t feel the need to ask, I suppose… His cure was an antidepressant.”

The antidepressant didn’t help, and Alexandria eventually married but continued to have problems:

“I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I had this great husband who adored me, two wonderful children. Why wasn’t I happy? Why couldn’t I be intimate with my husband? Am I crazy? No one could seem to help me…. Nothing seemed to help until one day in church, I noticed a “Sanctity of Human Life” brochure in the bulletin.

I went to the pastor’s wife and told her what I’d done. I said, “I had an abortion when I was 18 years old.” I was shocked by the words that were coming from my mouth. I hadn’t told anyone for 15 years! I was even more shocked that I became so emotional about it. I thought I was over it! I wasn’t even close… I went away and began to cry. I couldn’t stand up anymore. I fell to the floor and sobbed like a baby. I was angry that I couldn’t control myself. I thought, “Why is this bothering me?” “I thought I was over it.”

Victoria Koloff They Lied to Us (Worldcomm: 2011) 18, 19-21

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Letter to an aborted baby

“Nadine” writes the following letter to her aborted baby:

“My sweet child, I write this for you so that you can know that I have not, and will not, ever forget you.

I was only 18 when I realized you had come to me. For two months I had suspicions, but denied you. Only after taking several tests, I finally agreed to accept you. Keeping you hidden from the world, you were my little angel. My little secret. I chose to give you back because I wanted so much more for you, and for myself.

I can remember lying on the operating table, and arguing with the doctor when he told me that you were just a specimen, and would be discarded in no time. Damn you! I said. She’s more to me then that. (I know in my heart you were a girl.)

Since I gave you back, my heart had been filled with this awful emptyness. I’m 20 now, and today is July 4th. On the 13th, it will have been two years since the abortion.

I want you to know that I think of you every day. And, every day, I am filled with shame and guilt for what I did to you.

I can only pray that, in time, God will forgive me for what I have done. I can only pray that, in time, I can learn to love and forgive myself for what I have done.

For anyone that is considering an abortion, I want you to know that for nine weeks I carried my daughter under my heart. And now for the rest of my life that’s where she’ll stay.”

From Abortion Concern

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Clinic worker refers to aborted baby as “waste”

A woman who told the story of her abortion:

 

“Once the doctor walked in with everything prepared, she told me that she would take good care of me. I trusted her word, so I went along with the procedure. As I was drugged, I was getting rid of this life that my boyfriend and I had created. It was sucked out through the tube, and all I could think during that time was that “it’s good.” I’m doing it for a good reason; nothing will happen; things will just go back to the way they used to be; I don’t have to worry about anything anymore.

Once everything was done, I didn’t thank the doctor who’d done the procedure. I felt like I didn’t need to thank her. I asked the nurse, “Where will the baby go?” She replied, “You mean the waste?” And that moment right there, that very last moment, my heart dropped completely! Moments later, I walked into the recovery room where I was given soda, crackers, a lollipop, and a pad.”

Ashley Wehrli “15 Women Who Regretted Their Abortion Tell All” Babygaga Apr 20 2018

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