“I was just devastated. I remember falling off my bed …and I couldn’t get up. I thought I’d lost my mind. At that point, I was totally destroyed. Everything I believed in – that good triumphs over evil – was destroyed. My baby was sentenced to be killed for no purpose and it made no sense to me. You have to understand… I know that I’m a father. And I know you’re going to take my child (whom I love, want, and would die for), tear it to pieces and throw it in the garbage. Now, you really don’t believe those things happen.”
John Stanhope “The Other Parent: How Abortion Affects Men” Faith Today May/June 1988
The Guardian ran a letter from a 25-year-old man who spoke about his partners abortion:
“I was in a relationship with an amazing woman for two of the happiest years of my life. Then we had an unplanned pregnancy. We decided to have the child together; I have a good job and I could have supported us both, and we loved each other.
Then she decided she wasn’t ready for the whole situation, almost three months into the pregnancy…. Personally, I’m against the idea of abortion – I was raised as a strict Catholic – but I always conceded it was a woman’s prerogative. …I was against the abortion but I loved my girlfriend and supported her….
Three months after the operation, we broke up, and I haven’t been able to sustain a relationship since. It has been almost a year. I have no problems attracting women but I just can’t bring myself to start a new relationship. I’m starting to worry whether it’s something I just won’t be able to get over before it’s too late.”
Pastor Shane Idleman describes losing a child to abortion:
“Approximately 22 years ago, as a prodigal, I conceded to my girlfriend’s request to abort our child around the 5th week. The pain of that decision still haunts me today.
What would my child look like? Was it a boy or a girl? I can picture walking and talking with my child…watching his or her first steps…holding them when they cry and rejoicing with them when they succeed. But these are just dreams in my mind; dreams that often leave me heartbroken.
Regret is one of the hardest pains because it is a constant reminder that we failed.”
A man named Charles whose partner had an abortion says:
“I knew what was going to happen wasn’t really up to me. So it was obviously one of the most powerless moments of my life — by a longshot. And feeling powerless about something that’s very much a part of you makes you feel very alone…..
I had a good idea of what was medically involved in an abortion, but I definitely wasn’t prepared for how I’d feel or how to process that feeling. Watching my half-sister grow up, who was a year older than this baby would’ve been, would sometimes remind me that another reality could’ve played out….Talking about how I was feeling seemed impossible….”
A man named Rodolfo Parra shares his feelings about the child he and his partner aborted:
“We broke up about six months later, but the abortion haunted me for a long time. When I was younger, I’d get high and think of the kid I could’ve had. It messed with me horribly — I felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world. That kid would be seven or eight now. What if they were a straight-A student and went on to do something amazing? Part of me still feels like a coward….
I’m pro-choice, but I feel completely selfish that I thought more about how I would pay for the abortion than a potential life that could have impacted so many others. Maybe all we had to do was struggle to make it work, but instead, we chose to not even try. I still don’t think I ever deserve to have another kid. I’ll adopt going forward because I feel that I’ve lost my privilege to help create a life.”
The following story about a man who demanded his partner abort his baby appeared in Make Me Your Choice by Cheryl Chew:
“When I shared the news [of the pregnancy] with Ray that evening, he couldn’t believe my words. His first reaction and remark was: “What! That doctor is stupid. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He can’t be right. Possibly the pregnancy kit could be wrong. Von, go to another doctor and get a second opinion.”
My man was very angry and emotionally upset. Ray didn’t think he was ready for a child, and he said, “What are you gonna do about it? Are you going to get rid of it?”
I told him, “If anyone has to go, it has to be you!” At that time I had been with Ray for 17 years.
He grew very quiet and finally responded, “Von, if you want this baby, then you will have to be 100% responsible for it!” He was 50 years old at the time, and he felt he was too old to have children…
Five weeks before the baby was born, we hired a nanny…. The day when Avalon was born, Ray held her in his large arms. As she put her tiny, precious head upon his neck, he fell instantly in love with her.
Three days after our return home from the hospital, Ray fired the nanny and took over the complete care of our baby while I went back to work in my salon for weeks later!
Avalon is a true miracle. She has added so much joy and love to our lives. We give her 1000 kisses a day, and thank God daily for her. When Avalon was a year old, I mentioned to Ray, “Just picture life without Avalon. If I had been a weak person and let you coerce me into having an abortion, we wouldn’t have Avalon now.”
Ray replied, “I don’t even want to think about it!” Tears rolled down his face as he envisioned what life would’ve been like without Avalon if I had given in to him.”
Cheryl Chew Make Me Your Choice (Shippensburg, PA: Destiny Image Publishers, 2006) 90-91
How many men who tell their partners to abort would come around after the baby was born?
“After I took her to the clinic in the morning, I was supposed to leave for a weeklong work trip. I feel horrible about this, but I didn’t want to fuck over my colleagues; so after I made her brunch, I left. She seemed okay, and I tried to convince her it had been a super minimal procedure.
I drove back to see her that night, but the next morning, I left again. She was crying and said, “Are you serious? What are your fucking priorities?” At the time, I’d deemed her sort of mentally unstable, which is a horrible thing to say. I had no idea how the process would affect her physically and emotionally. That night I partied and did some drugs. It was complete escapism for me.”
From Jerry, whose wife had an abortion against his will:
“I can’t understand how my wife could do such a thing. We didn’t have money problems. We didn’t have family problems. Our two existing children were at school so there was no reason why we couldn’t have had the baby. Except that she didn’t want it. Something died in me that morning and I can’t see my wife the way I used to see her. I don’t know if we can survive this.”
They later divorced.
Anne R Lastman Redeeming Grief: Abortion and Its Pain (Balwyn, Vic: Australia: Gracewing, 2013) 122
Graeme lost a child to abortion. He was encouraged to write a letter by his therapist to his therapist. He explains how his relationship fell apart after she aborted his child against his will:
“I cannot say that you helped me much because there is not much anyone can do to help me and how I feel about my girlfriend’s decision to abort our baby. I don’t think there is anyone who can console me…
NOT all of us men want our babies aborted. I didn’t. I offered everything under the sun for my girlfriend to have our baby, but she didn’t. She kept saying she wasn’t sure she wanted to be a mother. Her mother wanted her to abort. Her friends thought she should abort, and I am sure even the milkman had a say in her decision, EXCEPT ME the father. I was the only one who wasn’t listened to.
Well she went through with it. She took our 13 week baby (I was sure it was a boy) and she had him killed and for this I will never forgive her. In fact I never want to see her again…
The morning she went to the abortion I got blind drunk; I just didn’t want to be thinking while it was happening. I didn’t want to be conscious.
The worst part of the whole damn situation was the fact that I could do nothing to protect my son. He needed me and I couldn’t do anything to stop what was going to happen to him. I don’t think I want to have any children in the future because maybe I won’t be able to help them when they need me, as I wasn’t able to help John…
It didn’t have to happen because we could have managed. We could have got married and had our own family. We wouldn’t have been rich, but we could’ve had our family and slowly things would’ve got better…
I certainly have none of the feelings that I had for her before this. I had seen us together for life. Not anymore.…
She willingly took our baby to be killed. I don’t want to be involved with this kind of person and certainly wouldn’t trust her with any of my children again.”
Anne R Lastman Redeeming Grief: Abortion and Its Pain (Balwyn, Vic: Australia: Gracewing, 2013) 83-84
Graeme is just one of many post-abortion fathers who are hurt by abortion.
Researcher Arthur Shostak wrote a book about men and abortion. He interviewed countless men in abortion clinic waiting rooms as well as many years after their partners had abortions. When interviewing one man, Shostak asked him about the “fetus.” Then:
“The man’s eyes filled up with tears. He said to me, “It’s not a fetus we’re talking about. It’s my son. He would be 3 years old now.”
Quoted by Steve Chapman, Chicago Tribune, May 18, 1980, 29
Cited in Curt Young The Least of These: What Everyone Should Know about Abortion (Chicago, Illinois: Moody Press, 1984)