Pastor Shane Idleman describes losing a child to abortion:
“Approximately 22 years ago, as a prodigal, I conceded to my girlfriend’s request to abort our child around the 5th week. The pain of that decision still haunts me today.
What would my child look like? Was it a boy or a girl? I can picture walking and talking with my child…watching his or her first steps…holding them when they cry and rejoicing with them when they succeed. But these are just dreams in my mind; dreams that often leave me heartbroken.
Regret is one of the hardest pains because it is a constant reminder that we failed.”
A man named Charles whose partner had an abortion says:
“I knew what was going to happen wasn’t really up to me. So it was obviously one of the most powerless moments of my life — by a longshot. And feeling powerless about something that’s very much a part of you makes you feel very alone…..
I had a good idea of what was medically involved in an abortion, but I definitely wasn’t prepared for how I’d feel or how to process that feeling. Watching my half-sister grow up, who was a year older than this baby would’ve been, would sometimes remind me that another reality could’ve played out….Talking about how I was feeling seemed impossible….”
A man named Rodolfo Parra shares his feelings about the child he and his partner aborted:
“We broke up about six months later, but the abortion haunted me for a long time. When I was younger, I’d get high and think of the kid I could’ve had. It messed with me horribly — I felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world. That kid would be seven or eight now. What if they were a straight-A student and went on to do something amazing? Part of me still feels like a coward….
I’m pro-choice, but I feel completely selfish that I thought more about how I would pay for the abortion than a potential life that could have impacted so many others. Maybe all we had to do was struggle to make it work, but instead, we chose to not even try. I still don’t think I ever deserve to have another kid. I’ll adopt going forward because I feel that I’ve lost my privilege to help create a life.”
The following story about a man who demanded his partner abort his baby appeared in Make Me Your Choice by Cheryl Chew:
“When I shared the news [of the pregnancy] with Ray that evening, he couldn’t believe my words. His first reaction and remark was: “What! That doctor is stupid. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He can’t be right. Possibly the pregnancy kit could be wrong. Von, go to another doctor and get a second opinion.”
My man was very angry and emotionally upset. Ray didn’t think he was ready for a child, and he said, “What are you gonna do about it? Are you going to get rid of it?”
I told him, “If anyone has to go, it has to be you!” At that time I had been with Ray for 17 years.
He grew very quiet and finally responded, “Von, if you want this baby, then you will have to be 100% responsible for it!” He was 50 years old at the time, and he felt he was too old to have children…
Five weeks before the baby was born, we hired a nanny…. The day when Avalon was born, Ray held her in his large arms. As she put her tiny, precious head upon his neck, he fell instantly in love with her.
Three days after our return home from the hospital, Ray fired the nanny and took over the complete care of our baby while I went back to work in my salon for weeks later!
Avalon is a true miracle. She has added so much joy and love to our lives. We give her 1000 kisses a day, and thank God daily for her. When Avalon was a year old, I mentioned to Ray, “Just picture life without Avalon. If I had been a weak person and let you coerce me into having an abortion, we wouldn’t have Avalon now.”
Ray replied, “I don’t even want to think about it!” Tears rolled down his face as he envisioned what life would’ve been like without Avalon if I had given in to him.”
Cheryl Chew Make Me Your Choice (Shippensburg, PA: Destiny Image Publishers, 2006) 90-91
How many men who tell their partners to abort would come around after the baby was born?
“After I took her to the clinic in the morning, I was supposed to leave for a weeklong work trip. I feel horrible about this, but I didn’t want to fuck over my colleagues; so after I made her brunch, I left. She seemed okay, and I tried to convince her it had been a super minimal procedure.
I drove back to see her that night, but the next morning, I left again. She was crying and said, “Are you serious? What are your fucking priorities?” At the time, I’d deemed her sort of mentally unstable, which is a horrible thing to say. I had no idea how the process would affect her physically and emotionally. That night I partied and did some drugs. It was complete escapism for me.”
From Jerry, whose wife had an abortion against his will:
“I can’t understand how my wife could do such a thing. We didn’t have money problems. We didn’t have family problems. Our two existing children were at school so there was no reason why we couldn’t have had the baby. Except that she didn’t want it. Something died in me that morning and I can’t see my wife the way I used to see her. I don’t know if we can survive this.”
They later divorced.
Anne R Lastman Redeeming Grief: Abortion and Its Pain (Balwyn, Vic: Australia: Gracewing, 2013) 122
Graeme lost a child to abortion. He was encouraged to write a letter by his therapist to his therapist. He explains how his relationship fell apart after she aborted his child against his will:
“I cannot say that you helped me much because there is not much anyone can do to help me and how I feel about my girlfriend’s decision to abort our baby. I don’t think there is anyone who can console me…
NOT all of us men want our babies aborted. I didn’t. I offered everything under the sun for my girlfriend to have our baby, but she didn’t. She kept saying she wasn’t sure she wanted to be a mother. Her mother wanted her to abort. Her friends thought she should abort, and I am sure even the milkman had a say in her decision, EXCEPT ME the father. I was the only one who wasn’t listened to.
Well she went through with it. She took our 13 week baby (I was sure it was a boy) and she had him killed and for this I will never forgive her. In fact I never want to see her again…
The morning she went to the abortion I got blind drunk; I just didn’t want to be thinking while it was happening. I didn’t want to be conscious.
The worst part of the whole damn situation was the fact that I could do nothing to protect my son. He needed me and I couldn’t do anything to stop what was going to happen to him. I don’t think I want to have any children in the future because maybe I won’t be able to help them when they need me, as I wasn’t able to help John…
It didn’t have to happen because we could have managed. We could have got married and had our own family. We wouldn’t have been rich, but we could’ve had our family and slowly things would’ve got better…
I certainly have none of the feelings that I had for her before this. I had seen us together for life. Not anymore.…
She willingly took our baby to be killed. I don’t want to be involved with this kind of person and certainly wouldn’t trust her with any of my children again.”
Anne R Lastman Redeeming Grief: Abortion and Its Pain (Balwyn, Vic: Australia: Gracewing, 2013) 83-84
Graeme is just one of many post-abortion fathers who are hurt by abortion.
Researcher Arthur Shostak wrote a book about men and abortion. He interviewed countless men in abortion clinic waiting rooms as well as many years after their partners had abortions. When interviewing one man, Shostak asked him about the “fetus.” Then:
“The man’s eyes filled up with tears. He said to me, “It’s not a fetus we’re talking about. It’s my son. He would be 3 years old now.”
Quoted by Steve Chapman, Chicago Tribune, May 18, 1980, 29
Cited in Curt Young The Least of These: What Everyone Should Know about Abortion (Chicago, Illinois: Moody Press, 1984)
“Eight years into our marriage, my wife became pregnant with our fourth baby. I was so excited and happy about the soon to come new addition to our family. Three weeks after the announcement of her pregnancy, however, I was hit by shocking news. My wife had aborted our baby without telling or asking me. …. I wanted our baby! We were financially well-off. Why would she do such a horrible thing without consulting me?…
My wife calmly explained that she was physically and emotionally drained. She couldn’t handle a fourth child…
Then, a year later my wife got pregnant again. Once again she made the same horrible choice to have an abortion, and once again I was not involved in the decision. Thus, our fifth child was aborted. This time I became visibly angry with her because of her selfishness. We fought with heated and ugly words. She screamed at me, “it’s my body, and this was my choice!” She accused me of never being home for her or the children…
I had been faithful to my wife for the first 12 years of our marriage and suddenly I realized that I didn’t really know who this woman was.…
15 years have passed…. Yes, we are still married, but in name only… We sleep in separate bedrooms.… I lead my life and she leads hers. The years go by as we sit silently in our anger and rage. Our lives are so empty and devoid of love. Yes, we are still married – a marriage that has lasted 27 years.
I admit that I have had to seek other ladies for solace, while my wife involves herself with the children and her many charities. She’s a good mother, a good woman, and I only wish that she never made those deadly choices. It’s very possible that our lives and our marriage could have been different.
It’s been a long time to be so angry, but I just can’t bring myself to forgive her… Abortion is a decision that doesn’t just affect the woman. It is a choice that also affects the father.”
Cheryl Chew Make Me Your Choice (Shippensburg, PA: Destiny Image Publishers, 2006) 56 – 58
A man who got his girlfriend pregnant saw his baby on the ultrasound screen at a crisis pregnancy center:
“Our child was at 8 weeks gestation and had fingers, toes, eyes, everything. I saw and heard my child’s heart beat and I cried. It was a very overwhelming and beautiful experience for me, until she looked over at me and said: “What are you crying about? Worms have heartbeats too”
The woman decided to have an abortion:
Her sister had offered to pay $500 for her to get an abortion. She insisted she was going to get the abortion, was planning to get one that weekend, and broke up with me right before.
I called the abortion clinic and asked what my rights were; they said “You don’t have any”. I then asked them, “What do you do with the aborted babies? I want to bury my child”. They told me that it wasn’t a child, it was a fetus, and to never call again or they would involve the police. My hands were tied. I, as a father had no legal right to protect my child from a death committed by a “doctor”. I called everyone imaginable to see what my rights were and I got the same answer: “nothing”.
The week before my child was aborted; I went to try one more time to ask the mother of my child to not do this. But she was adamant about having an abortion, and told me to leave. So I then asked her if I could do one thing before I left, she told me that was fine. I then got on my knees and kissed the stomach of the mother of my child and said “I love you, and Daddy will see you in heaven”. I then took the ultrasound pictures and left.
The day my child was aborted was a very painful day for me. I was informed that my child had been aborted in the afternoon on December 2nd, 2006. It was the most painful experience I have ever been through. My relationship ended with the woman that I thought I was going to marry, and I lost my first child. I didn’t want to go on; I was in too much pain. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I had nightmares of my child being aborted. The day after my child was aborted, I went to see my pastor and he suggested that I have a memorial for my unborn child. I took his advice, and had one the following Sunday at his church. I had my parents and a few friends come. It was a short ceremony, but very painful. I never thought that my child would meet God before I did.
After that day things were still very painful. I still couldn’t sleep or eat, and thoughts of suicide filled my head every waking hour. I joined Bible studies, and post abortion Bible studies as much as possible. Those were the only people that would understand. There were times that I wouldn’t even receive support at church. A man is really not allowed to grieve the loss of his unborn baby. I was told things like: “Your child wasn’t even born, so get over it”, “It wasn’t a baby yet”, or even people saying “Your child deserved to die”. None of those things helped me heal and just put me in more of a state of depression.
On the day of his child’s due date, he went to New York to reach out to couples having abortions. He says he helped save 100 babies. He is now involved in the pro-life movement.