Recalling A Medical Abortion

I was 16 when I first found out that I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend he immediately mentioned abortion. I agreed without thinking it over. So we went to the doctor’s and made an appointment. I had a scan so they could see what procedure they’d need to do. The following day I went to the hospital they gave me a pill and said come back in two days. I went back and they gave me another pill.

All of a sudden i started to be sick, so I lay down to try and go sleep but it was impossible, the stomach cramps were unbearable. It was the worst thing to happen in my life. My boyfriend stayed with me until they said I could go home.

Still to this day the memories of those days remain in my head, like it’s all a nightmare and I can’t wake up. I regret making the decision of abortion. If i could turn back time I would.

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Woman Pressured into an Abortion Wishes Protesters had been There to Stop Her

To be honest, my post abortion story is still be written. In just over a month my baby would be one year old and it just breaks my heart.
My boyfriend and I were both going through divorces when we found out I was pregnant. We had already planned on getting married and having a life together. I was scared yet excited. I was alone in my excitement. My boyfriend said that we had too much else going on right then and that he wanted a child with me but the timing wasn’t right. He promised me we’d have another one. I truly believed him with all my heart. I hesitated about the abortion. I kept putting off the conversation hoping time would pass and it would be too late. I was 7 weeks along when my boyfriend called different clinics. He set up an appointment for me. I was so numb. The morning we were to go to the clinic I was crying. I had bought baby and maternity clothing, a blanket, and, well, several small items. He told me again how we would have our child some day and that those items will be used at that time. I accidentally locked the car keys in the house I was so out of it. He kicked the door in to get them. The damage to the door is still there for me to see on a daily basis when I come home. I know i’m not writing this very well, but the pain is just still so raw and the reality of what happened is coming more into focus each day. It’s gut-wrenching. Back to that awful morning…

I asked him if we could just take a week to think about it. He held me and promised everything would be okay. We drove to the clinic. It was at a hospital here in town. I was hoping there would be protesters that would help me and see I didn’t want to be there. There was nobody at all. We walked into the clinic and the whole experience is still just too surreal to talk about.

What I want to talk about is what happened afterward. Two weeks after that horrid day (March 6, 2007), my boyfriend left me. I remember that moment so clearly. I was bleeding very profusely. I had just showed him and asked him if he thought that was normal. Turns out it wasn’t. Turns out I had an infection. At any rate, he chose that moment to tell me he thought I was too weak for him, not motivated enough. I felt absolutely sick. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t believe he was really leaving. He walked out the door and left me crying, bleeding and terrified. Nobody knew I was pregnant except him. I absolutely lost it. I called my mom hysterical. I didn’t want to live. I felt so deceived, so tricked. One of my best friends said I needed to go to the hospital. I did. That is when I found out I had an infection. They didn’t get all of the “material” out the first time as they called it. I was told I was one of the 1-2% that had to get the procedure done again. I was put out after the ultrasound. It hurt so much to see the empty ultrasound where just a couple weeks earlier there had been a strong heartbeat. Ironically I was in the same exact room on the same exact machine. I couldn’t and can’t believe what I did. The first time I was there, I actually felt a little smug. Like I had my boyfriend in the waiting room and I would get my child back. I felt sorry for the other women there who didn’t have my support. How wrong I was. This second time, I was in the same room being put out and I was all alone. He was gone. I had been with him for over a year. I still can’t believe he treated me the way he did. I felt like a complete piece of garbage. I turned my back on my baby for him. I went against what I wanted for him. I gave up so much for him. A few months went by and I contacted him. I was crying asking him how he could do that to me. He told me that the baby was a “blob” and how weak I was. He told me to “get some help”. I am so broken.

I found a memorial/cemetary where I had my baby’s name engraved. I go there to visit her as often as I can. It has brought me some peace in that I feel I have shown her just a smidgeon of the respect she deserved. I know she is real. I will never forget her. I named her “Cecilia” because it means blind. I was so blind. I want to take my decision back so badly. Please … if anyone reading this is contemplating doing what I did for a man, don’t do it. I am not a dumb woman … I was 32 years old. I believed him with my heart and soul that the timing was just not right and he would be there for me. Now I am scarred for life, both mentally and physically. My fertility has been decreased because everywhere there is a scar on my uterus is one less place any future babies could implant. I feel this is what I deserved. God’s punishment to me. I have been punished enough. I can’t take anymore hurt and yet every day it gets worse. I feel so alone. I’m sorry Cecilia. I’m so sorry.

 

 

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Nurse Who Had an Abortion Found It Painful and Traumatic

I was 24 years old when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I felt ambivalent towards my pregnancy and it didn’t help that most people’s reactions were “Are you going to keep it?” or “What are you going to do? You’re not married,” or “Congratulations … I guess.”

I was also working as a pediatric nurse and had a good paying job. While this sounds like a good thing, I was also exposed to multiple teratogens at work, and my own OB/GYN doctor advised me that I was high risk for having a baby with birth defects. Often I think that if I was married, had a house and a steady income, I would be ok having a child that was ill. Or maybe I could work it out, being a young mom with a baby at home, but I didn’t think I was strong enough to be a young mom with a chronically ill child. So I had an abortion.

I remember sitting in the waiting room with five other girls watching “One Life to Live” and it was about how a woman who had an abortion wanted to move on with her life, but everytime she saw a little girl about that age all she could think about was that was how old her little girl was going to be, and if that was the only little girl she would ever have. I wondered if that is how I will feel someday. Then everyone in the waiting room started crying silently … except for me. I still couldn’t believe what was happening.

I remember waking up and being in the worst state I’ve ever been in in my enitre life. At least after childbirth, the pain would have been worth it because you have a little baby at the end.

But now I had nothing.

I was wrenching in pain on the stretcher and couldn’t breathe. My respirations were 44 per minute and the nurse handed me a cup of pills and a cup of iced tea that I mostly spilled on myself but I didn’t care. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t sit and it felt like there was a sharp object in my rectum. The nurse said rectal pain was normal and it was ok. I’d never felt pain like that before in my life.

My boyfriend and my sister were waiting for me in the waiting room. As soon as I stepped out I started sobbing softly. I cried in the elevator. I cried in the walk to the car. I started screaming in the car on the way home. Small bursts of torture from the pain, torture from the regret, torture from why it had to be this way.

But I think the worst part is what I’ve had to live with everyday since. I’ve quit my job in pediatrics. I can’t stop wishing I had walked out of the waiting room while I still had a chance. I can’t stop thinking about the baby I would have had. I keep looking forward to the day I die so that I can ask my baby for forgiveness.

And you know something funny? The nurses I worked with thought I had quit because I was pregnant. I thought that they had looked down on me for being so young and getting “knocked up”. Well, a friend of mine that still works there told me that a nurse that I thought hated me blurted out one day “You know, she left because she’s pregnant. Wow, she’s so brave! She’s young and she’s not married, but she is going to raise that child all by herself. She is so brave.” God, how I wish I was.

 

 

 

 

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Former Abortionist: Dr. Anthony Levantino

This is the testimony of Dr. Anthony Levantino at the Meet the Abortion Providers Conference in 1993, presented by the Pro-Life Action League.

“Good morning. I’m relatively new in the Pro-Life Movement. My wife, Cecelia, is here as well, and we live in Albany, New York. We didn’t really become active in Pro-Life until approximately the last year and one-half.

One of the people who is very active in Pro-Life in Albany, a man named Dennis Walterding (and a more dedicated person you’ve never seen), warned me when I first joined the group locally and started speaking, that I was going to become very well-known very quickly. I doubted it at the time, but a short time later I find myself standing in Chicago, and he was right.

My wife pointed out to me that I met Dr. Randall for the first time a couple of years ago at the New York State Right-to-Life Convention, and did not realize until today that he was also a graduate of the Albany Medical Center in Albany, New York. You are going to think that every abortionist in the country is trained there, but that’s not true.

I have practiced obstetrics and gynecology in private practice since 1980. My residency started in 1976, four years of residency until 1980, and then I went into private practice, first in Florida for a year, and then in New York State. As part of my training, I was taught to do abortions.

I’ve heard different things from different people about their training programs. Many people have asked me: Were you forced to do abortions? Were you pressured to do abortions during your residency? And the answer is no. Having spoken to other people, I found that was not the case at different institutions. Apparently, a lot of obstetrical and gynecologic residents are very, very pressured to do abortions, but that was not the case where I trained. In our group of seven, only one did not want to do abortions and did not. He currently practices in Boston.

Unlike some of the other speakers, I have never been involved in a large-scale abortion mill, a business (and it is a business, don’t kid yourselves) that was set up for the sole purpose of performing abortions. My experiences are perhaps a little more universal in terms of obstetricians and gynecologists in the country who were trained to do abortions during their residencies and then continued doing so as a part of their private practice, but not even the major part. Certainly it was never a major part of our private practice.

My partner and I, however, were relatively important in the Albany area for one infamous fact, which to this day I regret. Our group was just about the only group that was performing late abortions, D&E procedures, Dilatation and Evacuation.(He describes this type of abortion in detail here.)  And we received referrals from all over the area in our part of the state from not only just the doctors in Albany and Schenectady, but from neighboring counties 70 to 80 miles away. We had a lot of patients.

I’ve never actually counted. I’m glad I can’t say that I’m responsible for 50,000 plus [D & E] abortions, but I know I’ve done hundreds of the procedures, and that’s direct, hands-on involvement, as Mr. Scheidler said, with the forceps in your hand, reaching into somebody’s uterus and tearing out a baby.

People ask, why do doctors do abortions? Many of the reasons have come out already, and I am going to amplify them. It’s profitable, a lot of money in it! One way to make abortion less available is to make it unprofitable, and there are probably a lot of ways you can do that.

I am curious to talk to some of the other speakers in terms of the issue of liability insurance. I don’t know what the laws are like someplace else, and it’s an interesting tack to follow. But in New York State there’s no insurance penalty at all that I’m aware of. You pay one flat rate; it’s a high rate, I can tell you. But you pay one flat rate for your insurance and then you can do anything. You can do radical surgery for cancer; you can do deliveries; you can do abortions until they come out of your ears. There’s no insurance penalty in New York State.

Why do doctors do abortions? Why did I do abortions? There’s a philosophical thing that comes first. As I’m fond of telling people, if you are pro-choice or what a lot of people like to say, morally neutral on the subject (if there is such a thing, and I don’t really think there is), if you are pro- choice and you happen to be a gynecologist, then it’s up to you to take the instruments in hand and actively perform an abortion. It’s the most natural association in the world. And you do that as part of your training. There’s a lot to learn from abortion. It sounds awful, but it’s true. There’s a lot of medical things you can learn by doing abortions that even translate into the rest of your practice… how to do a good D&C; how to do a good D&C under difficult circumstances. A D&C during abortion is more dangerous than a D&C done for any other purpose. I was taught to do saline abortions during my residency. I am going to assume that most of the people here are fairly sophisticated and know what these procedures entail. When I give talks at home, I have a slide presentation because a lot of people don’t know what abortion is about. They don’t know what is being aborted, and they don’t know how it is being done. But doing a saline abortion teaches you how to do a good amniocentesis. I think I do the best amniocentesis in town, and I learned it doing abortions.

In any case, if you are of a persuasion that, yes, women have a choice; if you’ve been sold that bill of goods and you believe it, and you’re a gynecologist, then you do them.

Along the way you find out you make a lot of money doing abortions. Now you can make a lot of money being a doctor anyway, and I’m not going to try to snow you and say that’s not true. I make a very good living. I hope I always do. But I won’t make another dime doing an abortion! It’s not worth it to me.

There’s a very big discrepancy in the kind of fees that doctors collect. They’re not always figured out in any kind of logical way. I’ll give you an example. When I am going to deliver a baby, I’m going to have that woman in my office for seven to eight months; she will have unlimited office visits. I get calls all hours of the day and night. More often than not, I’m getting up in the middle of the night. In Eastern New York I can tell you, at this time of year, it’s not a particularly fun thing to do: to go out in a blizzard and drive to the hospital, sit by a bedside for hours watching somebody in labor, accomplishing the delivery, hoping to God that everything works out well, as it usually does. And then following her afterwards; follow-up visits in the office. Then you wait and you expect that everything’s over. Usually it is over, but sometimes it’s not. Six or seven years later you suddenly get a request from a lawyer that they want the medical records because the baby has a problem of some sort. That doesn’t mean you’re responsible, but this nation is set up in such a way that families, if they have a deformed or an unhealthy child for any reason, and healthcare costs being what they are, when you have a disabled child (anyone here who has one can tell you), your medical costs are going to be in the tens of thousands, easily, and can run up to very high numbers. You have no recourse; you have no source of funds, other than going back and suing the people who did the delivery in the first place. It’s a big responsibility. I could be an ophthalmologist and I could take a cataract out; it would take me about 30 minutes and I’d make $2,000. There are discrepancies in the way those fees are figured.

Or I can do an abortion. I can work in an abortion clinic, I work 9:00 to 5:00; I’m never bothered at night; I never have to go out on weekends; I make more money than my obstetrician brethren. And I don’t have to face the liability. That’s a big factor, a huge perk.

In my practice, we were averaging between $250 and $500 for an abortion, and it was cash. That’s the one time as a doctor you can say, either pay me up front or I’m not going to take care of you. It’s totally elective. When a woman comes to me and is pregnant, and her husband’s lost a job, and maybe their insurance isn’t in effect, we won’t turn her away. But when somebody’s going to have an abortion, it’s an elective procedure. Either you have the money or you don’t, and they get it.

You can go in on a Monday morning, do three or four abortions (the procedure itself doesn’t take five or six minutes), clean up the room, make room for the next patient, put her in. I’ll be out of there in two hours; be out in time for lunch; nobody’s going to call me at night; and I almost never, never have to worry about her lawyer ever bothering me. And I’m going to make the same amount of money as if I did one delivery with all those months of work. Now, who’s the fool? The Pro-Life obstetrician or the abortionist?

There are other reasons; they’re perhaps no less important. I’ve heard many times from other obstetricians: Well, I’m not really pro-abortion, I’m pro-woman. How many times have you heard that one? The women’s groups in this country, they’re not alone, but they’ve done a very good job of selling that bill of goods to the population. That somehow destroying a life is being pro-woman, but a lot of obstetricians use that justification to themselves, and I can tell you, a lot of them believe it. I used to. It’s not hard to be convinced of it.

At least once a week–sometimes twice–I would be the resident whose turn it was to sit down and do the four, or five, or six suction D&C abortions that morning. When you finish a suction D&C the doctor has to open a little suction bag and he has to literally reassemble the child. You have to do that because you want to make sure he didn’t leave anything behind.

I had complications, just like everybody else. I have perforated uteruses. I have had all kinds of problems– bleeding, infection–Lord knows how many of those women are sterile now. I remember getting called down to my chairman’s office because a young lady that I had done an abortion on showed up, interestingly enough in Troy, New York (where I now work), and the abortion had been incomplete. I had not done my job right, and she passed an arm or a leg and she freaked out because she didn’t realize what had happened.

My discomfort came at that point because there was this tremendous conflict going on within me. Here I was; I was doing my D&Cs five and six a week, and I was doing salines on a nightly basis whenever I was on call. The resident on call got the job of doing the salines and there would usually be two or three of those, and they were horrible because you saw one intact, whole baby being born, and sometimes they were alive. That was very, very frightening. It was a very stomach-turning kind of existence. Yet, I was doing that at the same time that my wife and I were trying to have a child, and we were having difficulty with that. We had been married a couple of years at that point–and no baby. Suddenly, we realized that we had an infertility problem. I kept doing abortions; I didn’t stop. But it was tough. We were going crazy trying to find a baby to adopt because once the work-up was done, we found out, as the infertility specialist said (who was a good friend of ours), I never tell anyone they are not going to get pregnant, but don’t count on it. So we started desperately looking for a baby to adopt, and I was throwing them in the garbage at the rate of nine and ten a week. It even occurred to me then: I wish one of these people would just let me have their child. But it doesn’t work that way. So the conflict was there. There are other conflicts that make the run-of-the-mill gynecologist/obstetrician uncomfortable.

Most of the time in our practice was not spent doing abortions. It was providing obstetrical care for people who wanted their children. It is very common for your obstetrician to have an ultrasound machine. I bet the majority of obstetricians now have ultrasound machines in their office. We use that ultrasound machine on a daily basis. As a doctor, you know that these are children; you know that these are human beings with arms and legs and heads and they move around and they are very active. But you get reminded–every time you put that scanner down on somebody’s uterus–you are reminded. Because you see the children in there–hearts beating, arms flinging. We have a ball with it. It is a lot of fun. I showed a mother two days ago her baby sucking his thumb. It was so clear; it was obvious what was going on–14 weeks. You can see them earlier than that. We have people coming in who have bleeding and who are afraid they may have a miscarriage–now this is someone who wants to have their child. There is no better news for me than to put that scanner on them at seven and eight weeks and show them a heartbeat and say: Your baby is okay. You do that as an obstetrician all the time. And then, an hour later, you walk into an operating room and you do an abortion. It’s hard. If you have any heart at all, and I don’t pretend to be a particularly good or moral person, but if you have any heart at all, it affects you.

We were lucky. My wife and I were very fortunate because we had gone through all the usual adoption agencies and social services and state agencies trying to find our child. We ran up against one road block after another, until I suddenly got the bright idea (and I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner), that I know 45 obstetricians on a first-name basis in this town. You can’t tell me that one of them is not going to have a baby available for a private adoption. So, we advertised. We talked to every obstetrician in town and we struck pay dirt. It still took four months. But one day we got a call. I was in the operating room and I will never forget it–I was not doing an abortion–I was assisting an attending gynecologist with an operation. Somebody tapped me on the back of the shoulder and I turned around and he said: Call so-and-so right away. That was all the message said, but I just knew what it was. For us, we were very fortunate; we were blessed. Three days later we had adopted a healthy little girl. We were satisfied. We called her Heather.

After graduation, I went to Florida for a year. Nice weather, but it was not a place for a young couple with young children–at least the place where we had settled–so after a year, we left there. I think I did two abortions all year and that’s because there was an older population there. There was not much of a demand, at least in the area that I was in.

I found myself back in the Albany area. We went back there because that was where our roots were. My partner did D&E abortions. In fact, he was the referral center for D&E abortions in the area. I had only done one D&E abortion as a resident, and it was with him because he was, at the time, just exploring the idea of doing it. Normally, the residents did not assist the attending physicians when they did their abortions. I said, “Gee, Bill, I would like to see just one of those things.” He said, “Well … why don’t you do it and I’ll show you how it works, because it’s different; it’s not like the other abortions. It’s very different.” No more with this saline. You trade one kind of brutality for another. I will tell you one thing about D&E, you never have to worry about a baby being born alive. That’s one positive aspect of it, perhaps, if you want to put it that way. If any of you don’t know what D&E is all about, I am not going to describe it other than to say, as a doctor, you are sitting there tearing, and I mean tearing–you need a lot of strength to do it–arms and legs off of babies and putting them in a stack on top of a table. If any of you don’t know what a D&E is or what it looks like, I am going to strongly refer you to Dr. Nathanson’s film, Eclipse of Reason. I think it is an absolutely superb piece of work, and when that film is over, you are going to know what D&E is all about.

As a resident, I did one D&E with my partner-to-be. I had no idea we would be partners in the years to come. I started the procedure. I followed his directions and in three minutes, I perforated the uterus. It is very easy to do. We were able to complete the D&E and, except for the infection she got afterwards, she did okay. I do believe that the lady had some children afterwards, for which I am grateful. That was my first experience with D&E.

So, I learned to do D&E abortions. Now I had a family of my own, and there was no pressure to adopt a child anymore. As often happens, although the books say it is not supposed to, (not that it is not supposed to but it doesn’t statistically make any difference) after we adopted a child, after years of trying, we had a child of our own. So we had a boy and a girl, and we were perfectly happy with that.

We can talk about why doctors do abortions, and I think that the reasons tend to be more or less universal. But why doctors change their mind, my guess at least, is very personal. It is going to be very different from one doctor to the next. We all respond to different kinds of pressures. Our office was picketed. Our hospital was picketed. It is very uncomfortable to have people milling around all the time and you know they are directing it at you. They are not as nice as Mr. Scheidler. They did not put our names on the banners or anything. That would have made it all the worse. It was bad enough. It is a drag driving your Mercury through a line of people who are handing you leaflets through the window. But, we did. There was a Fundamentalist church down the road that had organized this thing and they were there every blessed day–rain, sunshine, cold, snow–they did it. They got the hospital to stop doing abortions. I will give you a hint. They had an administrator who was sympathetic. But they also got to the nurses in the operating room. You know, a doctor cannot do an operating room abortion without an assistant, and when they got all the assistants, and all the women in the OR who didn’t want to do them anyway, to say, “I don’t want to do this anymore,” there weren’t any assistants left. Ergo–no abortions. The hospital did not do any more abortions. They succeeded in that regard, but we just took our business down the road. You have to get to them all at once. It is difficult.

In this atmosphere, we just went along–fat, dumb and happy for several years. As I said, my reasons for quitting were a lot more personal, but maybe, I hope, you could draw something from it.

Life was good until June 23, 1984. On that date, I was on call, but I was at home at the time, and we had some friends over, and our children were playing in the back of the yard. At 7:25 that evening, we heard the screech of brakes out in front of the house. We ran outside and Heather was lying in the road. We did everything we could, and she died. (Please excuse me–I have never talked about this at a conference before.)

I went to a Catholic conference in Connecticut a couple of weeks ago. I gave my usual talk and didn’t go into the whys, and one of the bishops came up to me afterwards. He said to me: You haven’t told me why you quit. I kind of avoided it. I told him, and he was the one who encouraged me by saying, you should tell that story. You should let people know.)

Let me tell you something. When you lose a child, your child, life is very different. Everything changes. All of a sudden, the idea of a person’s life becomes very real. It is not an embryology course anymore. It’s not just a couple of hundred dollars. It’s the real thing. It’s your child you buried. The old discomforts came back in spades. I couldn’t even think about a D&E abortion anymore. No way. I kind of carried on business as usual because you try to get on with your life’s business as usual when somebody dies, and I still did just the office abortions for the next few months.

My wife has said many times that she wishes she had videotapes of me during that time. We were under enough strain as it was, but if I knew I had an abortion scheduled in the office the next day, I got very surly. I was hard to be around. I was getting very, very rough with the staff in our office. Every time somebody came up to me and said “I have a patient who needs an abortion. Can you do her on Thursday morning?” I became very angry. I began feeling that people were doing something to me. This was ridiculous–I was doing it to myself. After a few months of that, you start to realize this is somebody’s child. I lost my child, someone who was very precious to us. And now I am taking somebody’s child and I am tearing him right out of their womb. I am killing somebody’s child.

That is what it took to get me to change. My own sense of self-esteem went down the tubes. I began to feel like a paid assassin. That’s exactly what I was. You watch the movies; somebody goes up to somebody, pays them some money to kill somebody. That’s exactly what I was doing. And when my own sense of self-esteem went down the drain, that was all it took.

It is still “old habits die hard.” But it got to a point, and Cic and I talked about it together, that it just wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth it to me anymore. The money wasn’t worth it. I don’t care. This is coming out of my hide; it is costing me too much. It is costing me too much personally. For all the money in the world, it wouldn’t have made any difference. So I quit. I slept a lot better at night after that. It really made a difference.

There may be the key there. Not every abortionist is going to lose a child or have something profoundly affect their lives; but therein, perhaps, lies the key: If you can make doing the abortion cost the obstetrician/gynecologist more than he is getting from it. What he is getting from it is money. I can tell you, he doesn’t really get anything else. We don’t get any great feeling of accomplishment–at least, I never did. Even if you believe the pro-woman line, I just somehow never got some warm glow because I thought I was helping women out. All he gets from it is money. And as a doctor, he can make money lots of ways. He doesn’t have to do it this way.

 

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Woman Says she is “Haunted” by her Abortions

When I was 16 I thought I was in love. I later found out that I was pregnant. My boyfriend broke up with me and wanted nothing to do with me so I went to my mother for help. She insisted that I have an abortion. I didn’t want to have the abortion, but I had no place to go. I did have the abortion and felt a great sense of relief afterward. Later I became promiscuous and began to use drugs and drink a lot. My life was going to hell by then. I became pregnant again and had another abortion at my parents demand.

A year later at the age of 19 I became pregnant a 3rd time. This time I was determined to keep my baby. I decided not to tell my parents about the baby. I had already broken up with my boyfriend when I found that I was pregnant so that support was not there. When I was about 6 months pregnant I decided to tell my parents. They were furious with me and embarrassed, this time there was no way they could force me to have another abortion. Three months later, I had a beautiful baby girl named Elizabeth. My daughter saved my life because when I was pregnant with her I turned my life around and became a Christian.

Today I am 31 years old, I have 3 daughters and a wonderful husband that love me very much. (He adopted my daughter Elizabeth as his own.) I realize that abortion is killing a human life and I have been haunted by what I had done. I now volunteer as a counselor at a Pro-life organization. I love life and know that the Lord has forgiven me: now I am in the process of forgiving myself. I love my babies that I lost and I pray for them often. I look forward to the day when I see them again. I mostly pray for forgiveness from my babies.

I would die for my children without thinking twice, any mother would. But the sad twist to any abortion story is this: We mothers did not die for our babies, our babies died for us and that is not right! Abortion should not be an option for young women. If only I had known.

 

 

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Aunt Speaks Of Losing Her Niece To Abortion

This story is very different from most of the stories on this site. This story is about my sister.

This is dedicated to my unborn niece whom I love and will never forget. With all my love little one, Aunt Michelle will always love you and never forget you. If this page saves one baby, you didn’t die in vain. I love you, Taylor. And always remember your mom loved you too and she always will. Please forgive her.

She was 17 when she got pregnant. The guy was 21 and a real jerk. When she told him she was pregnant he told her that if she didn’t have an abortion he would leave her. (Big deal — he was a jerk.) She told him she wouldn’t do that to her baby. He left but still kept bugging her to abort the baby. She went to her doctor appointments, had her ultrasound, and seemed to be doing ok. If only I had known what was going on.

He had a new girlfriend who was just totally threatening the […] out of my sister. Telling her she was going to beat her up is she didn’t go and abort the baby and why did she want to ruin his life, he wasn’t with her and having the baby wasn’t going to bring them back together. On October 12, 2003 my sister told us that she had gone to the abortion clinic and had the seaweed bars placed in her cervix and she was having the abortion the next day. She was 18 weeks pregnant and there was no turning back now. All I could do was hold her as she bawled her eyes out. She was a total basket case.

On October 13 she had the abortion. That day was one of the worst days of her life. Since then she has alienated herself from the family. She moved out and started stripping and got into drugs. We never see her. She won’t come around me because I have two kids and she was there for both of their births. It is probably really hard for her to be around them. I wish she would forgive herself and heal. We are all healing still.

The baby would have been three months old right now and I wish I could have held her, but with the emotions my sister is going through right now I wish that I could hold her. The baby is with God but my sister is still here and she needs to heal. I wish she would let us help.

To anyone thinking about having an abortion, please think long and hard about it. Make sure you will be able to handle the after-emotions you will feel

 

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Young Mother Writes To Her Aborted Baby

I am a mother of a two year old. I am 18 years old. I encourage those who have had an abortion to turn to God. Through Him you will find the comfort for the pain you have. He is the only one who knows your pain. Please write to me and feel free to call when ever you need someone.

I made a web site in memory of my son and for all the women out there, women who have been where I am and for ones considering abortion.

Please call at 1-502-799-0790 I can call you immediately right back so your bill is not high. If I am not home please leave your name and number i will call you back as soon as possible. My name is Stephanie Amos.

Jan 19, 2004

The last day I have with Jr. I keep rubbing my stomach, talking to him. Singing to him, hoping he won’t forget the sound of my voice. Praying God will prevent me from going tomorrow. Crying God will hear me.

Jan 20, 2004

Goodbye Baby Boy

I woke up at 5 am. I got sick one more time on the way to Cincinnati. They gave me an I.V. and told me my iron was down but not to worry about it. The doctor was late flying in from another clinic. She got the first trimesters “out of the way” quickly. I was given two white pills to put between my lip and gums to dissolve.They were given to me at separate times. A women beside me was talking about how inconvenient it was that the doctor was late because she had to get it over with and drive two hours to get home. They called me back into a small room. There was no room to move around. The female doctor came in, and asked me a few questions. She said she was going to numb my cervix, right after she said that she began the procedure. The first time she went in with a tool I felt Jr move, he jerked. I was already crying but i totally lost it. I wanted to tell her to stop, I wanted to protect Jr. but it was to late. The nurse beside me wiped my tears away, as another nurse watched the killing of my baby on an ultrasound screen. I felt everything, the pain was worse then having my daughter natural. I heard her chop him up (it sounds almost like two clothes hangers rubbing together), fluids rushing out, then she turned on the vacuum. She scrapped the the insides of my stomach until I thought I was going to die. I heard the vacuum stop and she took it out, then they saw something and it started all over. I passed out from the pain.

When I woke up the nurse was still wiping tears from my face. The doctor left leaving the door open as I lay there half naked. The nurses told me to sit up, but I said I was too dizzy. One nurse took my I.V. out. As she held my arm, I couldn’t feel her touch. They sat me up even though I was dizzy and felt sick. Right in front of me was Jr. in this big Jar. It was completely full from him and fluids. The nurse saw my face and quickly stood in front of me while the other got ready to take him out. The nurse who wiped my tears removed the tray under me and dumped it down the sink, using the garbage disposal. She handed me wipes and slid the trash can over to me. It had no top and was completely full of the wipes from the women before me. She quickly got me dressed, then she carried my shoes as she rushed me into the recovery room after they gave me shots. The woman in the recovery room got upset with me because I couldn’t take the pills — I felt like I was going to get sick. So, she gave me papers and told me to fill out the “important papers” until I felt better. I told her it would only get worse if I tried to read right now. I asked her for a few pretzels to help my stomach and she gave me 5 while saying “it won’t help”. She sat back down and a few seconds later she was asking me for my pills because they had given me one in a shot form. She quickly took the pill back. Then she had me take the rest. My stomach hurt so bad. The important papers she wanted me to fill out were a clinic survey on the staff, doctor, etc. She took my blood pressure when I first went into the room. After about 10 minutes she had me go check my bleeding. There was none. She let me leave.

On the ride home I felt gushes. My stepfather pulled into a gas station. I went to the bathroom, sat down and couldn’t even feel myself pee. I had no control over my bladder. When I stood up I saw all the blood in the toilet; it looked like I had just bled to death. It was everywhere. Feeling Jr. try to get away, I knew it was too late to save my son. It’s hard for me to understand that he is no longer in my stomach. Now he is in Heaven. I’m home, still dizzy, still in so much pain. I miss my baby. I wonder if he knows I love him. I can’t believe I let the world decide his fate, and I can’t believe I couldn’t save him.

I have prayed to God for forgiveness. I talk to Jr. a lot. God gave me a special gift, He gave me Jr. I was supposed to protect him. I love him so much. In my death I pray God will let me see my baby, let me hold him and kiss his forehead. I regret losing my baby. It hasn’t gotten any easier in my head. I know a day won’t go by that I dont think of him and regret what I let man do to me and him. I miss him. I pray to see him while I am asleep yet nightmares are all I receive. It hurts knowing I will never see him or hold him. I wonder if he is ok. The thought of him being without his mommy and missing me kills me inside. God only knows how much I love and miss him. I want him back so badly safe inside my womb. I am so unworthy. All this makes me wonder if I have the ability to be a good mother to Abby. If I ever lost her I would die. I’ve lost my son, I can’t handle losing her too. Losing a baby kills one’s insides. My heart is so broken. I’ll never be the same. A huge part of me is gone. My son is gone, my baby, my innocent little baby that only needed love and protection. I couldn’t protect him. I couldn’t stop them. He was so scared and I couldn’t protect him. It was too late. I failed him. My heart hurts so bad. He was the victim of this world and I failed him. My poor baby. I want to see him, want to hold him. Garth Brooks song when you come back to me again reminds me of him. I miss him. I feel so empty.

AFI’s song silver and cold is my song to my baby boy.

Jan 22, 2004

If tears could bring back my son he would be here, safe in my tummy. I miss him. This pain is getting no better. How do I get over losing him, losing my baby? How, when I am so afraid of forgetting him, forgetting how it felt when he would move around. Seeing him stretch on the ultrasound. Ive had nightmares for three nights now. I just want him back. How can one let go? What do I do? My baby — God, I want him back. God, bring him back please.

9:26pm

Jr.,

Mike will be here tomorrow. My mind has been on you constantly. Please forgive me baby for what I did. I miss you so much. I love you baby. You’re in a safe place, surrounded by love. I hope you get my kisses I send. I talk to you a lot. I pray you hear me. I have no right to call myself your mother for what I have done. If tears could turn back time I would still have you. I love you. Please don’t forget that. I keep thinking back to that day how I kept getting sick, I believe it was you begging me not to go. Then, feeling you try to get away my poor baby I am so sorry. I am living in a nightmare I can’t wake from. I want you back so much. I want to show you how much I love you. I want to sing you to sleep and hold you. I am sorry. I am going to be forever haunted by what I have done. I guess it is only right. I love you Jr. Hopefully I will be able to be your mommy in Heaven and do everything I want to do. Everything a mother should do.

I love you,

Mommy

Jan 23, 2004

To know my baby died is enough. To learn the first thing they did was to rip him apart then crush his skull kills me.

Jan 28, 2004

I went to the E.R. on the 25th, because I was passing blood clots the size of a small fist. I called the clinic I had the abortion at and they said it was normal. So I went to sleep at 3 am and woke up and changed my pad again and my bloody clothes at 3:30 am. I was going through 2-3 pads per half hour. I couldn’t move a muscle or a clot would come out. I put a towel under me then went back to sleep. After all, the clinic said it was normal. At 8 am I woke up, told my husband to watch the blood on the bed. (It soaked through my clothes and the folded towel onto the bed.) I walked to the bathroom and passed out. My husband woke me up and I was on the floor — I didn’t even make it to the bedroom door. I went to the bathroom while he went to get my mother. I passed five huge clots in a row. My mother came in and I passed out in her arms. She and my stepdad carried me into the my bedroom. I woke up burning up. I kept asking if I was going to die. I felt like I was. I was carried to the car. My heart beat was normal laying down but when I stood up it went to 142 and my blood pressure went down to 75/36 from 99/40. I lost a third of my blood and was severely anemic. I had to go to surgery on the 26th, a D&C and a laposcopy. That would be a D&E and a D&C in one week. My tongue and gums were white and my lips were the color of my skin. I just got home today. After ten IVs, nine times having my blood drawn. I almost died. If my husband wasn’t there to wake me up and get help I would have died. I was on the verge of needing a blood transfusion. I had a blood count of 7. It is supposed to be 12. I told my mom when I passed out to give my daughter a kiss for me and to tell her I loved her. I was afraid of not waking back up, I was so scared.

Feb 27, 2004

I am going to destroy my marriage. I am so messed up inside. I can’t even grieve but in bits and pieces because of Abby. I take everything out on Michael. My everything has become my verbal punching bag. I can feel myself falling apart. And there is nothing I can do about it. I try to ignore it, run away from this pain, but there is no escape. I can’t live with this pain, it is eating me alive. And I am destroying every close one around me. What if my husband realizes I am nothing at all but pain. If only he was there that day, felt Jr. move, saw him like I had. Maybe he would understand my pain. I wish he could have seen him alive, felt his little movements. A battle is going on inside my head, inside my heart. It makes me want to die, to know I will always have this pain, always this emptiness. An emptiness even Michael can’t fix, only Jr. I would have been 20 weeks pregnant today. Someday I can fight back the tears. But other times I can’t stop them.

There is a passage in the Bible I wrote in my journal. It is how I feel right now. Psalm 38, sorrow of sin.

March 6, 2004

My heart screams with pain. I will never be the same, not after what I have done. I close my eyes and I see the clinic’s doors. If only I could turn back time. Have my son back. 21 weeks and 2 days I would have been. Nothing’s getting easier. I am Jr’s gravesite. He died in me, he was murdered in me. I am his tomb, his grave my tattoo is his saying and name plate. I am only 18 years old. The greatest pain a women can ever feel is the lose of her child. Only I was the cause, they couldnt have killed him if I didn’t go to the clinic. He was in me, I was supposed to protect him. Why did this happen? If I would have stood up. If I would have done what I wanted. To leave the clinic, to not kill my son. I wanted him. I love him. I need him. My little boy. My baby. Everything I believe in, my morals, my views, everything I am about I have destroyed. I destroyed myself when I destroyed my son.

I would also like to mention to all the people saying it was “your choice”: I admit that yes it was — because I was the one in the end that went to the clinic. I never said it wasn’t. I did say, however, that I was cornered into it by being told it was the only way to “fix” things.

 

 

 

 

 

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After 4 Abortions, Woman Unable To Have Anymore Children

I am going through menopause and some things are happening to open up old wounds. When I was 19 my fiance let me go through an abortion. I assumed he didn’t want the baby because he said to get rid of it the last time my period was late. Luckily my period came that time. But this time it was for real. I gave him his last chance to keep the baby while we were in the clinic.

There was a little girl in the waiting room. For God’s sake, what was a little girl doing in an abortion clinic? They made it sooooo easy to get an abortion in the 70’s. I just wanted to throw up. I asked him, well are you sure? but he told me to go through with it. After it was over the stupid nurse told me to tell my fiance it was a boy. Now that I think back how can they determine this? It was 11 wks. I am not sure if the baby’s sex can be determined. Maybe she was just trying to get even with men. I somehow feel maybe it was punishment to him. But the truth is we were all guilty. I remember wanting to throw up again…

I remember him taking me to Nathans. I remember feeling empty, alone in my room feeling I wanted to take it back. I felt so alone. Now I had nothing of value. I felt worthless. No one could ever love me. I almost forgot about whats her name. (He was seeing some girl in college) I never did know her name. He only denied it. I never did know if he married her. I heard they broke up and he dated others but then my gut says I think he married her. I never really knew, but I think he did. We only stayed together 2 more years and then our fighting destroyed our relationship. It was very bitter, there was so much pain, it was unbearable. We felt we were better off apart.

In my recent dreams he loves me and he is trying to say “I am sorry”. Well, it’s too late now to go back and make my decision over again. I should have listened to my mother. My own mother wanted me to have the baby. Now that she is gone I want to thank her for supporting me. If I had the baby I might have found out the true meaning of love. My child would have been 33 today. What a comfort it would have been for me in my old age. Now that I can never have kids, I feel regret and a terrible loss. If I could only take it back. My brother’s wife was mortified when I confided in her. She was very jealous. She wanted to be the first to have a baby and had bitter feelings towards me. She told me I was too young to have a baby. My fiance was seeing another girl while all this was going on. I got a phone call one morning, and it was some girl phoning me asking for my fiance. It broke my heart and cut me deep. After that I didn’t want to have this man’s child. He was repulsive to me. I hung up the phone and tossed my breakfast in the toilet. I was young, I didn’t have any confidence in myself. When I told a friend of mine my situation she said to have the abortion. She pointed out all his bad faults and it hurt me deeply all over. Why did my baby have to suffer for everyone else’s short comings? And now I don’t have any children at all. It only gets worse. I kept meeting more men who didn’t love me, they just wanted to make love. Anyone can do that. I am too ashamed to say I had 3 more abortions before I was 30. I just didn’t know how to stop it. I just wanted to be loved. The last time was the worst. He was a young version of my fiance. I had to get a grip of my self. Now that I am older I can’t believe I let this happen to me over and over again. I feel so ashamed and helpless. If I had only had the first baby, maybe my life would have had more meaning. If I could go back in time, I never would have gone through with it, regardless of the way my fiance acted. I just didn’t know the love the baby could have offered me. A baby is such a precious gift, and now sadly, I will never know the love between mother and child. I have paid so dearly for all my sins, when will all the punishment stop. I do not know.

My brother divorced his wife. They had one daughter and she had to get married. I do not know where my fiance is. I haven’t seen him since 1974. He got married before I did and he had 4 kids. I got married 10 years after him and my marriage has been rough. We didn’t have any kids. I had been in therapy for 5 years. My husband and I are not intimate, yet he is a very kind and generous man. We are only beginning to discover real love for each other. The fog is only beginning to lift.

 

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Woman Finds Healing After Forgiving Herself For Abortion

My boyfriend and I were dating for 4 years. We were both in college in different towns. I found out at 8 weeks I was pregnant. I thought, “maybe we could do it, maybe we could make it”! He slowly convinced me otherwise, that this is the right decision for us.

I was devastated! I was depressed! I made myself sick! I had one point while driving and sobbing that I thought it would be best for everyone if I drove into a telephone pole. This way I couldn’t hurt anyone else.

As with the person who wrote “Why didn’t I Chose What I really Wanted”, I did not tell my parents or many of those who loved me. Which also made my actions appear very erratic!

Our relationship became very damaged. We could not have sex for a year and eventually we broke up.

I sought counseling. She told me I needed to forgive myself. (I couldn’t understand what she meant. Oh, ok self, I forgive you. It sounded crazy!) I needed to take ownership of my decisions and to stop blaming others. I was convinced that God would never allow me to be pregnant again. That I willingly destroyed a tiny baby. She told me I was still a good person and that I deserved good things. I was insane with worry, depression, rage, anger, blame, shame, guilt, sadness, you name it! I consistently marked missed birthdays and cried every death day.

I did get better! Am I still sad sometimes? YES! Are Septembers always a little off? YES! But I am a good person. I made a decision! I’m living with that. I can’t go back and I accept that. I can only take the life I have and do what good I can for others. That is what makes me feel good, whole and loved.

As for that boyfriend … I ended up marrying him! We’ve known one another for 11 years now and we’ve been married 3 of those years. Two days ago I found out I was pregnant again and I cried with happiness.

Forgiveness is very powerful!

 

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Young Woman Recalls Forced Abortion At 13

At 13 I had a abortion. I thought I was in love, which may seem “silly” to some of you because of how old I was. I know at times it seems “silly” to me to. I thought if I had a baby it would make him love me more and want to stay with me forever (which by the way I was totally wrong about that), but I didn’t think I would really get pregnant. When I got sick I knew I was. I wanted that baby and didn’t plan on telling anyone.

Then after being sick for a few days (to the point where if I looked at food or even thought about it I would throw up), my mom wanted me to take something to make me feel better. Well, I had heard that if you take certain stuff it could hurt the baby so I looked at the bottle and in big capital letters it said, “DON’T TAKE IF YOU ARE PREGNANT OR PLAN TO BECOME PREGNANT”. So I told my mom; I thought she would understand. I was very wrong. The first words out of her mouth where “what are people going to think about what kind of mother SHE was.” I felt so bad and she said, “What are we going to do? You can’t have this baby.” So I said “abortion”. I didn’t want to, I don’t know why I said it but I did. So she was looking through the yellow pages in as much time as it took her to walk from the table to the closet to get the book. She got the number and we went for a drive so she could call the place without my dad or anyone else knowing. As she picked up her phone I told her I didn’t want to do it. She said she would just call and find out what they would do during the procedure. I was too sick to listen to what she was saying, but as soon as she got off the phone she said I had an appointment in two days.

So we didn’t talk about it for those two days. I woke up and we drove to the city. We went into what looked like an old apartment house. I had passed it over a hundred times though the years and never suspected it to be anything more then that. We were buzzed into a room with a bunch of doors. We walked up to one that had a sign on it that said, NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. we walked in and there were a couple of people there. I was sitting there about 45 minutes before I got called into a room with a lady to tell me about the procedure. She asked if I was sure I wanted to do this and I nodded my head. She seemed very nice. She went to do an ultrasound but couldn’t because I didn’t have a full bladder (ugh), so I got 2 cups of water and had to sit in a waiting room for what seemed like forever. I went back into the room but this time with a different lady. She didn’t talk much but when she did it was enough to scare the begezzies out of me. She did an ultrasound. I couldn’t look at it and it had no sound. She gave me a cup and I went into the bathroom and pee’d and when I came out she was waiting for me in another room.

My mom was with her at this point and I told her I wanted to leave but she said I couldn’t. They told me there were two ways to do it: I could do it “surgical” or “medical”. “Medical” being the pill, and it didn’t sound as bad so I wanted to do that, but the lady told my mother that there was a slim chance it wouldn’t work but it most likely would; well, that slim chance was all it took and my mom said surgical.

So they gave me a “gown” as they call it but it was really more like a giant paper-towel with holes to put your arms in. They walked me down a long hall into a room, and said the doctor would be in shortly. I waited forever and then some, then he finally came in. He was mean, or maybe I just thought he was mean, I’m not really sure which it was. He told me what they would do and checked me out. Then we walked down that very large hall to a different room (I swear that hall got longer each time I walked into it). It was a big room and I was told to sit on the table he gave me a shot in the arm and said I wouldn’t be able to feel anything, that I would go to sleep, to count to 100. They were going to give me needles in my cervix to open it up more. Well, he was wrong. I never went to sleep and I could still feel. All that shot did was make me to weak to move or say anything. Finally after crying for about 10 minutes from all the pain I blacked out. I woke up awhile later, I’m not sure how long I was out but it was awhile. My mom was the only one in the room besides a nurse who was standing in a doorway that connected to another room. The doctor came in when I started to move and I asked if he was done. He said he couldn’t finish it because when he started to poke me with the needles I would squirm. I don’t know how I could squirm, I don’t remember being able to move at all. So he told me to try the pills. He gave me a shot and a little brown envelope with pills in it. When I got in the car I told my mom I didn’t want to do it and she said the shot he gave me would hurt the baby if I decided to have it so I had no choice. I did it.

I went back to the office for a checkup and pee’d in the cup again and the lady said I was still pregnant, then she said I wasn’t. I guess she thought she was funny; I didn’t. I went home after being checked out and no one told me about any counseling or anything I could have gone to. My mom told me to never tell anyone and not to talk about it ever again. I am 15 now and have a boyfriend I love very much. (It may seem silly still but I am much more mature and understand that I don’t need a baby to make someone love me.) He knows about what happened and lets me talk to him about it. It helps me a lot to have someone to talk to.

I spent the last year with shrinks because of depression. My mom blamed it on my dad and his drinking, and whenever I mentioned the baby she would tell me to shut up (she still does). I have been on many different meds, none of which helped. Then I met my boyfriend and he thought if I talked about what happened it might help and it has. I am not on any meds now and I am “HAPPY” which I have not been able to say in a very long time.

I hope one day I will have a baby. I still cry sometimes when I think about what happened. I know it would have been a girl. I don’t know how I know that I just know. If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow I would keep the baby, no question about it, and if I could change what happened I would. Someday I will have children and I will make sure that they know they can come to me if anything happens and I will NOT make the decision of what to do for them.

Thank you for listening to my story. I hope it has helped you in some way.

 

 

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