Where do I begin? I was 19 when I had an abortion which was only a year ago from this date. I was and still am engaged with a wonderful man but we were not financially able to support another child. I had one already and thought that I couldn’t handle anymore right now. My fiance was not sure what we needed to do ..either was I because I have always been against abortion.
Not wanting to make this decision we knew that we had to. We decided to have an abortion. I had no idea how it was done so I began to confide in others about it and even nurses from abortion clinics. They all told me that it was just a mass of undeveloped tissue and that it would not feel anything and that it was done and over with in no time! It was almost like they were trying to sale me the abortion! I made an appointment and we came up with the money to have it done….about this time I was 10 weeks. There were no abortion clinics where we lived so we had to drive a couple of hours. When we got there we payed for a motel room and had just enough money for the abortion and enough to get home. I went to the clinic and the people in there were so rude. There were 20 other girls in there at the time. Some were scared and some were sad and there were some that acted like it was no big deal. I was thinking to myself ..What am I doing here??? I wanted to leave but I kind of brain washed myself into thinking that it was the right thing to do. Well they called me into a room to get blood taken and to get an ultrasound. Then I went into a room for them to collect my money. After the ultrasound and blood work they told me that they could not do the abortion because its going to cost more money. Well I told them it was okay and I’ll just leave. Well they wouldn’t let me leave until I payed them for the ultrasound and the bloodwork. My fiance picked me up and we both thought to ouselves that maybe we should just have the baby but like I said I kept trying to brainwash myself into thinking that it was the right thing. We went home and my soon to be mother-n-law brings a tape and a price of paper that had some lyrics on it to a song. She said that she was walking out the door of her church and the minister stopped her and hugged her and said,” The lord put this song on my heart last night and all I know is I’m suppose to give it to you. She said she fell to pieces.How could he have known she thought! I played this song and it was a song about what the baby would be saying to the mother before and after the abortion was done… Me and my fiance were falling to pieces at this point! But we still made up our minds to do it. Even though we knew that God was trying to tell us not to we were so overcome with the worries of finances. We were barely making it at the time. I called around and found another clinic in Florida and made an appointment. No matter what…. it was so hard to try to come up with the money. EVERYTHING was going WRONG!!!!! So many times we were going to change our minds but we stayed with our decision. I prayed and prayed night after night that the lord forgive us and have mercy on us for what we were about to do. I even began to have nightmares about it. I haven’t had this procedure yet but it was already affecting me mentally. It was just a few days before my appointment and I was watching the news and they were having a big thing about abortion and how wrong it is and how they were trying to ban it totally! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. All these signs! The morning of my appointment ..we got in the car and the CAR WOULD NOT START! Can you believe this??? I knew at this point that there was definitely someone up above trying to get through to us and we both knew it! Being that we made our decision we got to the clinic anyway. We drove around for 3 hours trying to find a motel room since we were 3 hours from home. There was no vacancies! We finally found a room on the other side of town . I made it to my appointment 20 minutes late. They almost didn’t want to see me until they seen on the computer that I was there to hand them $475.00 for an abortion. Of course everything was okay then! right away they took me in a room to sit by myself. They treated my like I was royalty. The counselor came in and talked to me about the procedure and asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it and then had me sign some papers. She then collected the money. After that they put me back in the room by myself and played a video about the procedure and the video I watched was so far from the truth. The nurse came back in and I asked her if there was a way that they could tell me whether it was a boy or girl after it was all done. She told me NO and that it was just a mass of tissue and you wouldnt be able to tell. I was 15 weeks and 5 days at this point. Almost 16!
She told me that the doctor would be in to talk to me before he does the procedure. I waited… and here he come. When I seen him I felt so uncomfortable. He had this blank look in his eyes like he had no heart or soul! I asked him a few questions and asked if there was anything for pain he said no and that they could only give me a gas mask and that would help keep me calm and not so aware of what was going on. Well I followed him into the room where they were about to kill my baby. They did an ultrasound to make sure how far along I was. They wouldn’t let me see the screen. He didn’t want me to know that there was more than just a mass of tissue in there! They gave me the gas mask and it made me a little cloudy at first until he started sticking those metal rods to open my cervix. I started screaming and arching off the table.All I wanted to do was get away! The cloudiness went away and I was experiencing the worst most excruciating pain in my entire life. The nurses started yelling at me and telling me to stop and that I was over reacting ! I begged him to stop….then he put the suction tube in me and turned on that awful machine and I heard parts of my baby being sucked out. The machine sucked so hard that it felt like all my insides were going too! I continued to scream and the nurses yelled at me and held me down. The procedure was only suppose to last for 15 minutes but it felt like forever! I thought that the pain was never going to go away and I thought I was going to die and wishing that I would. The doctor seemed like he was being so rough and mean…almost like he enjoyed causing pain. It seemed like the more I screamed …the worse he got! They gave me nothing to help with the pain …I felt everything!!! After it was over he didn’t say a word to me and got up and left to perform another abortion to the girl in the next room. I went to the recovery room and there were 2 girls in there already and they looked so empty inside. I was still crying at this point. I felt empty too. I felt so bad for what I had done. I still feel bad to this day about it and will never do it again no matter what the circumstance. I now know the truth about what happens to these innocent human beings. They are probably in heaven wondering why? Why did you let them tear me apart? Why couldn’t I make a choice? I never did anything wrong! All I wanted to do is love you! Listen to what your baby is telling you! You can hear it if you really listen. I never told anyone this till now but the night before my appointment. I had a dream that woke me out of my sleep …it seemed so real! I seen in my dream a little boy standing in front of me begging me not to do this to him! All I heard over and over was don’t do this to me, please mommy don’t do this to me! please please!
I’ll never forget that dream and I’ll never forget that little boy that I saw. I know that God forgives me but I don’t know if I could ever forgive myself but….. I am pregnant again and we are taking this as a blessing …almost like a second chance…..we are so excited! I’m 18 weeks now and have already developed a relationship with my unborn child. Thankyou GOD for giving us another chance. Think twice ladies before you decide to do this….if you know that you cannot provide, concider adoption and give this innocent being a chance! there’s more to it than just a surgery. It’s a big decision to make and a life changing one! LORD HAVE MERCY ON US ALL!
anonymous
Sealy, Texas
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