I’m 19 and had an abortion last July when I found out I was 21 weeks pregnant! It was the biggest shock of my life.
I was away traveling at the time and had no idea I was pregnant!
When I found out I had about 2 days to decide what I was going to do with my baby as I was so far along.
I knew deep down I had to get rid of it; I couldn’t afford to keep it and didn’t know what my boyfriend’s parents would think. We were traveling at the time and would of had to come home with no where to live and no money, it just wouldn’t have been fair on a child. I always wanted my child to have a stable up bringing where I could give it everything it wanted.
The day I found out the doctor put this machine against my tummy and I could hear the baby’s heart beat! As he couldn’t be sure how far along I was I had to go to a hospital the next day to have a scan, I lay on a bed on what should have been one of the happiest days of my life with my boyfriend waiting out side for me as the nurse showed me the baby, I could see it moving!
I went to a clinic to see about having an abortion but they wouldn’t do it for me as I was so late on, in fact the doctor was horrid to me and a felt so awful. I should have realized what I was doing was wrong then. In the end we found a clinic that would.
I was dilated over a 2 day period one day I felt my baby kick and the next day it was still. I hated it. on the day of my operation I didn’t know really what I was doing. I was so drugged to the eyeballs and in the most agonizing pain, I remember thinking to myself what am I doing, I lay in a bed thinking that if it wasn’t for my boyfriend waiting for me I wouldn’t mind if if I died right here with my baby.
my most vivid memory is being walked to theater and looking around at where I had just been sat to see it covered in blood! I lay on the bed been given my anesthetic and said over and over again in my head good bye and sorry to her and told my boyfriend I loved him.
I have since returned back home, where my life has just been a complete mess. me and my boyfriend split up when I became severely depressed, I suppose it was my fault because I didn’t want him to know I made the decision for him. I can finally admit that! I was stupid and tried to hide my feelings.
i didnt recieve much support from him i was left to deal with the guilt on my own, i don’t think he understood what i was going through, i heard about a programme which was going to be shown on TV and i knew i had to watch it as i still didnt know what had happened to her. I got hold of my boyfriend and told him to watch it and for the first time i think he understood.
i couldn’t believe what i had done, people kept talking about it saying how disgusting it was for people to do that! My friend who has no idea what i did mentioned about this website so i had to have a look. If only id seen this sooner i would never have done it.
i wasn’t told in the clinic what i was doing, and if i was i would never have done it.
i sat here and started to shake i couldnt breathe, i wasnt crying but tears fell from my eyes, i turned my computer off and was sick!
I have started to come through my depression now, believe me i never thought i would. i hate myself for what I’ve done.
There is not a single day that i dont think about her, and due to being so naive and stupid i lost the two people ive loved the most in my life!
If only i had found out the truth about what i was doing sooner my life would be completely different. i killed an innocent baby and i deserve all the unhappiness i have in my life after all im a murderer arent i?
as im sat here now crying my eyes out all i can do is say sorry to her. I honestly never knew the truth.
anon
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