I was 14 when I had my abortion. My boyfriend and I had been having unprotected sex for almost 4 months and I just assumed it wouldn’t happen to me. But then of course it did. My mom caught him at our house one day, and dragged me to the hospital that night to have a pregnancy test.I already knew I was, I hadn’t had my period for 5 weeks. When the doctor confirmed it, I felt the room start spinning and go black. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t breathe. Later that night my mom called my boyfriends parents and informed them. She asked if I would like him to accompany me and I said no. He ended up paying for it. $360. I remember sitting in the clinic shivering, but I wasn’t really cold. I filled out page after page of useless paperwork. I was then instructed to take off my clothes and change into a gown. I then sat in a room with about 20 other women. They all looked strangely expressionless. I sat there for about an hour, tears welling up in my eyes from time to time. I almost ran out 4 times but I knew that my life would be impossible with a baby. My life. That’s all I was concerned with. One of the doctors that did my ultrasound asked me if I wanted to see it, and I quickly said no. It was bad enough that I was actually laying there going this far with it there’s no way I wanted to see it. I talked to a girl in the clinic with me who slept with her friend then he decided that he didn’t even want a relationship with her, she was 3 months, I was quite happy not to be that far along. During the procedure, I had every anesthetic available. Including nitrous oxide. It felt like someone ripping me apart from my insides. i started screaming for my mom and she came in there and held my hand. I feel so bad not only for what I did to her, but for what I did to my baby. She told me not to think of it as a baby…but as a mistake. I suppose I did for awhile. Long enough to regain some sanity. But as time wore on, it became inevitable. The first time I realized what I did was a few days afterwards. I got out of the shower and noticed a small stream of blood running down my legs. I fell on the ground and starting screaming for God to help me and that I was sorry. It took me 6 months to be able to talk about it and even now I get shaky. I’m currently with the guy that got me pregnant, 2 years ago. I refuse to have and kind of sex now, and I’m glad that he respects that. I get very depressed on the anniversary of it every year. I keep praying that God will forgive me, and I try to do everything I can to make it up. Although I know in my heart that nothing will ever be enough. I plan to have children one day. When I know I can provide and take care of them. When I’m not just a child myself. The procedure caused me to mature and look at life in a different perspective than my friends. Most of them know about it now, and they think I am a strong person. If that is so, then why did I make such a weak decision? God forgive me.Jane
Share on Facebook