3 year old sister of aborted baby: Mom, why didn’t you kill me too?

alex

When I was 3 years old I saw my mom on TV. She was speaking to a man about how she killed her baby and regretted it. As she told her story and how she became a pro-life speaker, I watched and listened. My grandma didn’t think I was old enough to understand.

When my mom picked me up that night I asked her why she killed my brother or sister and why she didn’t kill me. My mom said she was in shock that her 3-year-old would ask these questions. She answered them the best she could for me, and as I got older I learned more.

This is the testimony of Alex. She and her mom are now pro-life speakers.

Source: Teenbreaks.com

Even at three, Alex knew she’d lost a brother or sister. Children pick up on things adults say, even things about abortion.

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A letter to an aborted baby, from her sibling

This appeared at National Right to Life’s blog. It is a letter that was written by the sibling of an aborted baby:

About a week ago my mother told me that she had an abortion before I was born. It devastated me. Mourning someone I have never met seems bizarre to me, yet I am so sad. To help me find closure I wrote my half sibling, that I will never meet, a letter.

I think there is a lot of focus on the baby, the mother, or at most the father, which is great and needed, but I also think pointing out the effects an abortion can have for future children would prove to be very impactful. I did not even exist when my half sibling was killed, yet it has affected me tremendously.

Below is the letter:

She was 15 when your life started, 16 when your life ended. She said no one told her you were more than a lump of tissue. I’m sorry for ignorance.

Your father would be 57 now. She said he doesn’t know. I wish she told him. I wish he fought for you. I wish somebody fought. I’m sorry for secrets.

You would have been my half sibling. 14 years older than me. She took you from me before I even existed…before I could do anything. I’m sorry for unfairness.

You would have been 34 years old. You would have more than likely been married and have your own children. I would have nieces and nephews, you would have a family. But you weren’t even given a name. I’m sorry for abandonment.

Maybe when my other siblings were telling me lies and devaluing me, you would have spoken truth. Maybe you would have stood up for me when no one did. I’m sorry for life being devalued.

Is it possible to miss someone you’ve never even met?…because my heart longs for you. It longs for you to have life. I’m sorry for death.

I wish you could have come to my graduation, I wish I could have gone to yours. I wish we were friends. I wish I could call you right now. I wish we could share all of our joys and griefs. I wish we were at least given a chance.

I’m sorry for selfishness.

It’s just so unfair for you…for us. How could she have killed you? How could our grandmother drive our mother to the clinic so that they could murder you? I’m sorry for silence.

I miss you. I love you.

I’m so sorry no one loved you

 

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Dr. Phillip Ney on Children with Aborted Siblings

From author Teresa Tomeo:

“…. there are psychological effects on siblings of aborted children. Dr. Philip Ney, a Canadian psychologist, has studied these effects for decades. He tells a story of a woman who came to him for counseling for her six-year-old child who was having nightmares, wetting the bed, and suffering from separation anxiety. Dr. Ney, in his interview with the mother, asked her about any pregnancy losses. She told him about two abortions that she had prior to giving birth to this child. Then in a separate interview with the child, Dr. Ney asked the child to draw a picture of her family. She was an only child, and yet she drew a picture with her mom, dad, brother, sister, and herself. She had a sense of the missing siblings.”

Teresa Tomeo Recall Abortion: Ending the Abortion Industry’s Exploitation of Women (Charlotte, North Carolina: St. Benedict Press, 2013) 65 – 66

Read the testimony of a young woman whose brother was aborted.

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Trust between child and parent damaged by abortion

“Abortion can produce a deep, subtle (and often permanent) fracture of the trusting relationship that once existed between a child and a parent.”

Garton, J. The Cultural Impact of Abortion and Its Implications for a Future Society. In: Mannion M, editor. Post-abortion Aftermath (Kansas City: Sheed and Ward, 1994: 88 – 99; P91

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Sibling reacts to mother considering abortion

A group of pregnant couples met in a study where they had amniocentesis to see whether or not their children had an abnormality and planned to abort the babies if they did.

Said one woman in the study:

“One mother gave voice to her sense that an already affected child felt threatened by her visit to the center when she found him hiding in the closet upon returning.”

In this case, the handicapped child was afraid the mother would kill him in addition to killing her unborn sibling.

“One father stated that there was “no good way to explain to your own child that you might have had a part in deciding the end of his life.”

 

John C Fletcher “The Brink: The Parent-Child Bond in the Genetic Revolution” Theological Studies 33 no. 3 (September 1972) 457 – 85, 466, 464

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What I, A Post Abortive Sibling, Wanna Say To The Abortion Minded/Post Abortive Parents

First of all, I do not hate you, judge you, etc. On the contrary, I wanna give you a hug, and tell you that I am here for you. I know that there are people who have left or will do so, when they find out what you are thinking/did. That’s not me. I know that for many, it is a painful decision, sometimes chosen for you, or because of difficult circumstances. I am so sorry for all the condemnation you have and will likely receive in the future.  As much as I am spreading the word about how much abortion can hurt us, siblings, I am also trying to see to it, that all of you are treated with love and respect.

Admittedly, before finding out about mom’s abortion, I gave little thought to the the whole issue beyond feeling it was wrong, and wondering why anyone would choose it (for the most part). But after hearing her story, it made me realize how hard it was for her. It was during a very dark time in her life, and I could see that nearly 11 years later she was still hurting from it. It also made me remember that I had heard her speaking to a young woman about abortion with such conviction, never knowing that she was speaking from first hand experience. This girl was convinced and has become very prolife since then.

It hurt badly, to find out that we had lost a brother, especially in such a horrible way. But to this day, one of the things that hurts most about it, is that it took place during my lifetime, and I did nothing to help. I cringe thinking about the things I may have said or done unintentionally that likely caused her great pain. I wish I had been able to comfort her when she found out, and maybe I could’ve done more to help out and what not. Maybe she wouldn’t have considered aborting. Granted, I was 10, I know, deep down that it was not my fault, but it is still a struggle. I hope and pray that on the day of the abortion, and the day after, etc. I didn’t do anything to hurt her even more than she already was. I hate knowing that for so many years, she told just a very few people, suffering mostly in silence. And to this day, there are many that do not know. Keeping this silence myself, to some extent, for this amount of time (nearly 7 years) has made me understand how hard it must be for you, especially if you have been silent even longer. One of my biggest reasons for being in this movement is to encourage people like you to be respected and allowed to share your stories without judgement. You deserve to be able to receive healing and not carry the burden alone, plus you can possibly improve the life of someone else who is going through a similar pain.

Another thing the abortion did to me, was make me so much more sensitive to comments and images. While I believe that abortion does take a life, I am not cool with calling these parents murderers, etc. I believe there are other, more sensitive ways of speaking about it. I also wish that the images were more discreetly displayed, being sensitive to those who are traumatized by their abortions, etc. I aim to treat all of you, as I wish my mom to be treated. And will very often speak up in your defense. Her decision to abort did not make me love her less! Frankly, I stayed away from the abortion issue for years to avoid the pain, and would love to see things change, so less people would feel that way. But is has made me more understanding of why some would choose the pro choice movement, and desire to respectfully explain how my views have changed over time.

I admire my mom for many reasons. She’s been through A LOT in her life, but has so much more compassion for those in similar situations, and has become less judgemental, etc (not harshing on her  before, mind you). My siblings and I are trying to follow that example in the way we see and deal with people. One of the things I admire most about her, is the fact that she told us about the abortion. That took a lot of strength. She shared with us the abortion date, etc. I’m so happy that that day is no longer a secret, and we can all try to help each other through it, etc. Believe it or not, knowing about what happened, has brought us even closer together, and made me more thankful for the siblings I do have here, as annoying as they can be 😉 I truly hope that by sharing this with you, that those who have not yet shared with their kids from fear or whatever, you can feel encouraged and strengthened. Great healing can come for you and them, and I am there for both. Seriously, I would love to speak to your kids if they felt up to it.

To all reading this, post abortive or non, pro life or pro choice, those in agreement or not, etc. I ask you to be respectful. This is very personal, and is such an important part of why I do what I am doing, that I may have been a little scattered in writing it. I am sure that not everyone will agree with this, but am sharing this anyway in the hopes that some are affected in a positive way. Please feel free to pass this around to others, if you feel it would be of comfort, etc to them. Thank you in advance, for respecting my request.

*Reposted with permission from: www.survivingsibling.wordpress.com

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Sibling Describes Pain Of Losing Brother To Abortion

My name is Renee, and I am the oldest of 5. Sadly, I’ve never met the youngest, a little boy (brother number 3) named Joseph Michael. He died by abortion when I was only 10, although I didn’t find out ‘til nearly 11 years later. My poor mom had to keep that secret for so long  I’ve known for just over 6 years, and am really struggling with it. I’ve come to the point where I realize that a lot of the issues I have, are made much worse by what I went through regarding the abortion. While I have always been more of an internalizer, this is becoming harder, and I am starting to seek out healing. Easier said than done, I am discovering, as most post abortion support groups only have programs for the parents. It is sincerely my prayer that more awareness will be brought to the suffering of the siblings. My siblings and I have had to silently deal with the pain of hearing people speak ill of women choosing an abortion. We know firsthand that sometimes it is done in a desperate time, and to spare the baby from a life of suffering.

My mom was widowed in June of ’94, at the age of 30. I was 10, and the youngest, at the time (baby number 4), was only two. A few months later, she met a man, and became pregnant unexpectedly. I know very little about that time for her, as I was very young, and had no idea that my little brother was growing in her belly. But we were living with my grandparents, and I don’t know how they would’ve handled the news. Also, maybe my mom didn’t feel capable of caring for yet another baby, who the doctor said may have health issues (from what I believe). While she knew it was wrong, she believed that the baby would be better off in heaven, free from suffering. While I hate that my mom (and brother) went through that, I admire her greatly for all the strength she has shown. She now understands what some of these women are going through, when they consider abortion, and has used her experiences to help them choose life. She also has used the pain she feels over my brother, to help those mourning the loss of their own babies, aborted or miscarried. I pray for the strength to one day be able to reach out to other siblings like myself. I have actually tried to avoid the pro life movement, at times, mostly for two reasons: one, it makes me think more of my brother, and the horrible way he died, and two, I am very defensive of my mom, and am afraid that some of these people will judge her harshly. I also don’t want her to have to deal with any extra sadness or regrets. But as I said before, she is a very strong woman.

I have heard it said by quite a few people that my mom should keep the abortion secret. What about her reputation? In their view, it will make others decide to follow her, and do the same. Or turn against her, and stop trusting and/or respecting her. Well, I can speak for myself, my siblings and at least one very dear friend, that the exact opposite is true!! I hate that she had to bear that by herself for so long, and am so grateful that she told us. It has made her a more compassionate, sympathetic, less judgemental person. It made me listen more when she was talking about pro life things, or prayers and sympathy for the abortive ones, knowing that she’s actually been in their position. She has come so far. I am also thankful she told us, because although we ended up going through unexpected mourning, we as siblings are now more aware of the horror of abortion. All these years I never knew we were personally touched by it.

As I said, finding out caused such shock and grief. I remember the night that she told us, we were all talking in the living room, because she said she had something important to discuss. I remember my heart started pounding, more and more. We were shocked to discover that she had been pregnant after the fourth baby. Our dad had died, and there were only four of us children with her, so where was the last one? Did I have a sibling given up for adoption, that I could possibly reconnect with (as went through my head at times while watching or reading about it), or did she miscarry? Abortion never crossed my mind, because we knew she was so against it. But she admitted that that is what happened. I did not give into the tears that threatened, as I have always been very guarded with my emotions. Very quickly the four of us went up to her and hugged her. Comforting her and assuring her that we loved her. We found out a few things, such as the father, and the date. Apparently, the anniversary was only a few weeks away. In just a few weeks, valentine’s day to be exact, it would be 11 years since that horrible event. Apparently she chose that night, because going out, then, would not likely arouse suspicion. Years later it brought me such pain to think that that night before she left, when I gave her a hug, I also hugged my little brother inside, but the next time I hugged her, it was just her alone. How sad she must have been. And how innocent and unaware I was.

That Valentine’s Day was hard, but so refreshing in some ways. Between my dad’s death and then, I noticed that she made an extra effort to make it a pleasant day for us, AND THOUGHT SHE DID IT TO SOFTEN THE BLOW OF NOT HAVING OUR DAD AROUND. WHEN I REALIZED THE PAINFUL SIGNIFICANCE OF THE DAY, I STARTED TRYING TO MAKE IT A SPECIAL, PEACEFUL DAY FOR HER. What stands out the most from that night are two sweet memories. The first is that mom made us a yummy cake for dessert. And on it were 6 hearts. 1 big, and 5 small. A mama surrounded by her babies. For the first time ever, mom was able to admit that she was a mother of 5. She didn’t have to ignore my brother that night! And we were comfortable with it too. The other sweet memory associated with that night is that we decided to play the lottery, and being aware of a new heavenly intercessor, we asked Joey to pray for us, and we won $10!! The most money we’ve ever won in the lottery! Thanks, Joey! Now multiply that by a small million please! 😉

For a while after finding out, I had such a deep sadness that I could not identify at first. I felt like I did when I lost one of my nursing home friends, but nobody had recently died. What was up? Then I realized it was my brother. I was grieving the loss of a little sibling, that up until then had not existed (that I was aware of). How strange.

How could I possibly feel so strongly for someone I never met, or even knew about? As I mentioned before, I am not an emotional person, so these feelings were extra unappreciated. I felt stupid for grieving 11 years later. He was long gone, I shouldn’t feel anything. But, that’s not how it works. Over time, I felt that sadness less frequently, but still, 6 years later I feel twinges at times. I have also, at times, felt completely at peace with our situation, and at other times, have seriously forgotten about him. That, I believe, is often a defense mechanism.

Whether I am thinking about him or not, I noticed that I am more sensitive to some things than I was before. For example, I feel pain/jealousy seeing others becoming big brothers and sisters. I experienced that three times, only, and never will again. I am also very sensitive to my youngest brother being complimented, etc by mom. Feeling like he is getting the bulk of the attention, because he is the last “baby” she’ll have. Deep down, I know it is false, but it is still a frequent struggle. Another struggle is forgiving/moving on. When I first found out about my brother, I can’t remember much about howI felt about his father. As I’ve gotten older, though, I have felt so betrayed by him. We loved him like a stepfather for quite a few years. How dare he try to take care of us, and help raise us, when he didn’t even keep his own flesh and blood alive. This was especially hard for me to come to terms with, because I, too, was conceived out of wedlock. But my dad did the right thing, and married my mom (before I was born). It just feels strange. Why was I okay to keep, but my brother wasn’t? I have made great progress in this area, but still have need of more healing.

This is only a small bit of my experiences as a sibling of an aborted baby, but I am sharing this in the hopes that others can be comforted knowing that they are not alone. Or perhaps a sibling like me will be in denial, and reading my story, they will realize their need for healing, and get it. My prayer is that we can feel at least some of the peace that our siblings do, as they await our arrival in heaven. What a nice meeting that will be, and while we had the misfortune of being separated on earth, we will have all eternity to catch up!  To any parents reading this, please give your kids the benefit of the doubt, and tell them about their lost sibling(s). It may strengthen your relationship as it did ours. You shouldn’t have to keep your baby(ies) a secret. For those who are not directly affected, I thought I would give you a small idea what we are going through, in case you happen to connect with us. All who read this will be in my prayers. God bless and peace be with you. Thanks for letting me share my story.

*Since writing this I have joined up with the pro life movement, in an effort to speak up for siblings and others affected by abortion (grandparents, uncles/aunts, etc). It is mostly through the internet. Among others, I have a facebook page called: Abortion Hurts Siblings And Others, as well as a group exclusively for post abortive siblings. For more info, leave a comment here or message me at my facebook group. I am also on: twitter, prolifebook, shoutlife, awestruck and experience project.

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