I had an abortion last month, and if I had had any idea I would feel how i did, no way on earth would I have gone through with it.
I’m 20, and had been told I probably wouldn’t be able to have kids, so my boyfriend and I were never all that careful. Then, just before Christmas, I started to feel sick a lot, stuff that I used to love eating made me feel sick or tasted different, and some smells had me gagging and running for the bathroom. So even before my period was late, I knew I was pregnant. When I did that test and it came up positive, I didn’t know how to feel. I couldn’t believe it, but what with how I was feeling, I knew it was right. I was happy, I had always wanted kids young, and although I knew my boyfriend didn’t want kids just yet, I figured once I told him he would come round to it. So I called a friend first, I wanted to take another test, just to be sure. She was all wide eyed, what are you going to do? sort of thing. I just felt shocked, but also really, I don’t know, special. I had a baby inside of me, I was going to be a mum. I didn’t want to go to a doctor to begin with, I wanted to tell my boyfriend first, we had talked before about what would happen if somehow I did get pregnant, and he always said have an abortion and I always said I didn’t think I could do that. So I told him, and he didn’t really believe me, but he was so so so cold to me. I couldn’t believe it. I mean it was unplanned, but how could he not feel the rush of love I had when I first found out? It was our baby! I’m crying as I type this, but he was just so cold and so sure, I didn’t want to bring a baby into the world who’s daddy didn’t want it, I didn’t want to tell my parents and have them be disappointed in me. I didn’t want to lose my partner, so I had an abortion. I will never ever ever forgive myself for letting someone push me into it. The same as I will never ever forget how my boyfriend treated me . Funny thing, I did it so I wouldn’t lose him, but now I hate him so it didn’t really matter. I have lost the boyfriend who said he loved me no matter what and that he would always be there for me, because I know it’s not true.
I went to the hospital, they gave me tablets to stop the pregnancy. My boyfriend came with me then, moaned about how the nurse gave him nasty looks. Which she did because I told her he had said he didn’t want it. She told me not to do it for him, but i convinced her it was for me. Still, I cried as soon as I swallowed those tablets, knowing there was no going back and I had just killed my baby. Even if you think you are ready for it, nothing can prepare you for how it feels. Not for me anyway. Two days later we showed up at the hospital and i was given more tablets. An hour later I had the worst pains ever, and could barely shuffle out the ward to the nurses station to get some painkillers. I felt ill so went to the toilets, and then the blood started pouring out of me, honestly was the most disgusting thing ever, blood and tissue falling out of you is NOT a pleasant thing at all. Then I saw something in the bowl, like a little long thing. On closer inspection, it was my baby. It had it’s little mouth wide open like it was screaming, and it had eyes, arms legs and everything, even though I was only 9 weeks pregnant, it was not a blood clot at all. I was shocked, but told the nurses and went out to my boyfriend where i burst into tears. It was then it occurred to me i had been hoping that since i was so close to the borderline of being able to have this treatment that it wouldn’t work. I didn’t want to kill my baby, i wanted to bring it up and cuddle it and make it happy and healthy. I wanted to protect it like a mummy should do, not throw it away. I had to sign things to say that I didn’t mind them taking the fetus, or cremating it along with others of the same sort of gestational age. Which I did. But then going home, I thought how cold and hard that was, not only did I not want my baby but i let them throw it in with other people’s unwanted babies. I didn’t even let it at least be buried or cremated like it was special to me. It was, it was my baby and I would give anything to go back. I should have been just about 4 months pregnant now, I would love to be getting ready for my first scan, seeing my baby’s heart beating on the screen. But I can’t, because I was too scared and too selfish and too worried about my boyfriend to keep it, and I will never, ever, ever get over that.
Alexis
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