I was an abused person; an abused young wife, physically, emotionally and I felt alone. I was working two jobs, trying to get a divorce from my abusive husband. I had two small children; we lived in several different dumps, we had been robbed and I had been raped several times.
That night before I made my decision, after talking to a counselor at the pregnancy clinic, I had taken the night off from work, we had just moved into yet another dump, and for the very first time in my entire life, I stole something. I had no money, my two little boys were crying and hungry; every penny went into moving. So I took them, carrying one on each side of my body, through the icy snow, five blocks down the street to a small restaurant. I didn’t order anything for myself, only for my two children. I wrote an apology note, an “IOU” so-to-speak; bundled them back up and left the place without paying for their meals. We returned to our tiny studio apartment, I lay on the floor under them next to the couch in case they rolled or fell off in the night and cried all night long. I was already ashamed of my choices thus far and I was only 20 years old, with two little boys that I loved with all my heart. I still love the baby that I killed, but I did it twice after that.
At the time, each time, the circumstances seemed so grim and I felt doomed already. I have no excuse and I have asked God for forgiveness, but I’m not sure I deserve it anyways. Don’t worry. I have suffered not only mentally, but physically as well. I am confined to a wheelchair and a bed most of the time. I am in worse financial condition than I was back then. I have almost died, at least 10 times since then, but I can’t die, until my punishment and agony is finished. I have even tried two kill myself, unsuccessfully, as you can see.
I went to my church and confessed my many sins. No matter how grim my situation seemed, or how much I “THOUGHT” I was saving my unborn children a worse fate, or thinking that I was also saving my already born children from a chance of starvation, it was not my right. It has driven me beyond where the human mind, spirit or soul should ever go. If I could do it over again, of course I would do it differently. But that devil preys on the weak-minded, brokenhearted, terrified girls who are alone and afraid. I would not recommend it to anyone.
I tried to stop my best friend, but she insisted. I tried to tell her about what I went through, but she said, “Please don’t tell me about it. I have full-blown AIDS; I can NOT have this baby.” So, I drove her home in her car afterward. I prayed for her. I actually pray constantly now for everyone, but myself.
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