A woman later came to deeply regret her abortion. She came up with a name for her baby. She would have named him Jude:
“I’ve done a lot of “bad” things in my life. I’ve made choices that will forever haunt me no matter how much money I shell out for a shrink. But the choice that I made on that day, the choice to sign my name on a piece of paper that would give my consent to terminating a pregnancy is chief among the ones I regret most.
Yes, I regret my abortion.
I regret not thinking through it more carefully. I regret not considering that I might have been a really great mom. And I regret that there’s no amount of regret that can reverse the decision I made….
She describes how she felt on seeing the ultrasound:
“Seeing a picture of the ultrasound made my eyes tear up. I could hardly make out anything but simply knowing there was the beginnings of a human behind that photo made it hard to breathe.”
She went home with the pills and talked to her boyfriend before she took them:
“You just take those pills at the directed times and then in three days it’s over?” John confirmed after I explained the process.
“Yeah, not as complicated as I thought it would be,” I shrugged.…..
I’d hoped John would stay but he had to be up early for work the next morning.
“….You sure you don’t want to stay?”
I knew what his answer would be before he opened his mouth.
“I really can’t, I’m sorry. I want to, though.” The way he looked down at his sneakers rather than into my eyes was telling enough….
I pulled back to kiss him but he turned his lips away so that mine landed on his cheek. And that’s when I knew. I felt it in my gut. There was someone else. And after the abortion was over, we would be too.”
Her friend Sarah tries to encourage her:
“It’s okay, you’ll be fine and this is going to be over soon and everything will be back to normal and you’ll be okay…” her words gave me comfort. They were familiar and safe. And they were what kept me from possibly hurting myself because of what I’d done that night. Because right before she opened the door, I remembered I had a pair of toenail clippers in my purse and wondered how the blade would feel against my skin if I got creative enough.”
Then she takes the pills:
“I have a feeling it would have been a boy,” I said softly before taking a sip of Gatorade. “His name would have been Jude. Amory Jude. After Amory Blaine in This Side of Paradise, but he’d go by Jude so he wouldn’t have to tell his friends his mom named him after a literary character and possibly get made fun of,” I looked at Sarah in the eyes. “Because if I kept him, I’d never let anyone pick on him…ever,” a tear fell onto the Gatorade bottle in my lap.
I took the first pill to begin the process — a process I had no clue I’d grow to deeply regret. Because I regret my abortion.
And because if I hadn’t, his name would have been Jude.”
She would have named him Jude. But he never got a chance to be born.
“Why I Regret My Abortion” Your Tango September 5, 2017
Share on Facebook