I knew I wanted my baby, and I knew I wanted my boyfriend…

From Abortiontv, a pro-life site:

Kari writes:

“I was in the 10th grade, and met the “man” of my dreams. He was wonderful, and we did everything together. By the time we had been dating for a year, and I was in the 11th grade, I started to have this funny feeling. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but something was different about me. I felt an all around change. After thinking for a while, pregnancy had crossed my mind. I blew it off though – thinking that because I was only 17 years old, I couldn’t be pregnant, but that feeling kept coming back until one day my boyfriend took me to buy a pregnancy test.

For days, he kept hounding me about the abortion. I kept telling him no. Then he started telling me that if I had the baby, he wouldn’t be there for me. He said that he wouldn’t be there for the birth, and he said that he would leave me. I was still determined to keep my baby. Then little by little, my wall began to break down. My boyfriend was going to leave me, and I loved him too much for him to leave me. Somehow, and I don’t know why, I started considering going through with the abortion. While at my vocational class in school, I got a phone book, and called a clinic near my home. I set up an appointment. I figured that if I wanted to, I could change my mind before then. I told my boyfriend that day that I had set up an appointment. He seemed all too relieved. I on the other hand was dying inside. I knew I wanted my baby, and I knew I wanted my boyfriend. So I went against what I thought was right, and tried to forget about the little baby that was growing within me. I had this emotional attachment with this baby, and I had to completely forget about it, because I wanted to be with my boyfriend.

My appointment was set for November 4th, 1999. I told my mom that I changed my mind, and she said that she would respect what ever I wanted to do. She asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it, and I said yes, even though I lied. I really didn’t want to. The day before the abortion, my mom had to go to the clinic and sign some papers with me since she couldn’t be there the day of. The nurses were very friendly, I suppose that’s how they sell their abortions.

The next day, I woke up early and drove to my boyfriends house. He was to take me to the clinic. As we pulled up, I felt cold and sick to my stomach, but in my mind, it felt like there was no turning back. I signed it, and was called to the back to fill out a ton of paper work, get some blood work done, and have an ultra-sound. Then I waited for what seemed like hours in the waiting room. I remember there was an older woman in there, who had brought her daughter in for an abortion. I looked at her, sitting in the corner, crying quietly to herself. I wish I would have walked out then, but didn’t.

My boyfriend acted childishly the whole time in the clinic. He even left me alone in there while he ran next door to 7-eleven to get something to eat. When he came back, they called me to go into the back room. I was put in this room, and given a gown. The nurse coldly told me to put on the gown, and leave my socks on. Everyone was so nice to me the day before, why was everyone being so rude to me now??? I sat in the nicely decorated room for about 10 minutes, shaking. I knew I didn’t want to go through with it. I wanted to start crying, but a nurse rushed into the room, and brought me to the room where my baby would soon die. The room looked like an ordinary doctors office room. Except for all of the machines in the corner covered with sheets.

Soon, a nurse dressed in green scrubs, and an older doctor came into the room. He introduced himself quickly and rudely, and instructed me to place my feet in the stirrups. I can remember looking up at the ceiling on the ceiling there was a picture of a monkey, and next to the money the phrase, “An apple a day, keeps the doctor away”. I couldn’t believe that was up there! Next thing I knew – I was being injected with some form of anesthesia. I became groggy but was instantly awake as soon as the doctor began the procedure. I remember thinking that I was going to die.

I had never experienced so much pain in my life, and I just cried, begging him to stop. I started jerking, trying to get away from him, but the nurse kept telling me to calm down, or I would hurt myself. I laid there and cried. I felt like my life had been drained from me. I remember wishing that it was. After the procedure ended, I was brought into the recovery room. There were two women on each side of me. One was sleeping heavily, and the other was sleeping with a smirk on her face, like she was happy about what she had just done. I on the other hand can remember looking at the vertical blinds on the window, feeling nothing but emptiness. Then I had realized what I had done. I killed my baby. My thoughts soon vanished when a young woman began screaming in the hall. She had just had the procedure done, and was being wheeled into the recovery room. She couldn’t walk, and was just screaming and crying hysterically. I just wanted to hug her and let her know that it would be okay. She calmed down, and I remember looking into her eyes. They looked blank, like there was no one there. I knew I had to leave. I told the nurse I was feeling fine (which was a lie) and she gave me my paper work, clothes, and prescriptions, and sent me on my way. I left the clinic that day, vowing to never return there.

The day after the abortion, I woke up early and found that I couldn’t walk. I was doubled over in pain. I was rushed to the E.R. to discover that there was an infection setting in quickly. They gave me several medications to take. I was soon feeling better a few weeks later. After I began feeling better, I also began feeling “relieved.” I began to feel “happy” that I had the abortion. For some reason, I felt happy that I didn’t have to worry about my boyfriend leaving me.

Those feeling didn’t last very long. By the time January came around, I was feeling terrible. I finally realized how stupid I was for killing my baby. I wanted my baby back so bad, and I knew that nothing I did could bring my baby back. I started slipping into a depression. I began skipping school, laying in bed, crying because I wanted my baby. I became violent towards my boyfriend for pressuring me into the abortion, and I completely ignored my friends. I eventually dropped out of school completely.

One day while watching TV I saw a commercial about abortion, and it said to call if your life had been affected by an abortion. I called, and found out that they offered classes for what I was going through. I immediately signed up and started the “Project Rachel” classes. I went to the 12 week classes, and came to realize that I was suffering from P.A.S.S. Post Abortion Stress Syndrome. I finally knew that I wasn’t alone. I started to come out of my depression, and tried to work on my feelings. My boyfriend and I were still together, and we often talked about our feelings on the abortion. He finally told me that he was sorry for pressuring me so much to have the abortion. He was just under a lot of pressure from him parents.

To this very day, I still have not forgiven him. I cannot forgive him until I forgive myself. We are still together – our four year anniversary is soon approaching as is the date of my abortion. Each year on November 4th, and months before, I get in a slump where I feel down, but this year, I am going to try and do something positive to remember my baby. On September 12th, I am starting school again. I will be going to Adult Education to get my High School Diploma. Things are starting to look up for me, though I am still suffering deeply from P.A.S.S.

I have found some comfort in “naming” my lost baby. I always thought that my baby would have been a girl, so I wanted to name her Anna Maria Contreras. Anna after my grandmother.


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